So Confused

[Breach]

I have no idea what to do, I have so many thoughts going thru my head, and advice would be appreciated.

 

I'm 31, living with a 20yr old woman. We have been together for over 2 years, and I know that relationships are not easy, and require a lot of work, but things have just fallen apart with us.

 

It started after New Years Day. She has become very close to another man, but yet she keeps telling me that they are just friends. She stays out till all hours everynight, gives no reasonable explantion as to where she's been, says she was with friends. She tells me that she loves me everytime she comes home, but yet I feel that there is no real love or caring left here anymore.

 

I can accept that, I really can, but the problem is, I've asked her to move out several times, and she won't leave. This is tearing my heart out. I know what she is doing is wrong, but I can't stop loving her. I've had many girlfriends, and I've never had these kind of feelings of betrayel before. No matter what she does, and no matter how mad I get, I just can't stop loving her.

 

I'm in the process of buying a house just to get away from her, but I know that I'm going to miss her so much. I know that it's just going to take time, but my heart has been aching now for 3 months. Im not depressed, just hurt, that the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, is off doing whatever with whoever, and it doesn't bother her.

 

Why can't a good looking guy, such as myself, find what I'm looking for? I'm tired of hearing a lot of women say, that they can't find a nice guy. I'm right here, and I'm getting dumped on. All's I want is a relationship with some honesty, and truth. Please let me know what I should do. Do I keep fighting for her, or let her go?

 

Hurt in Ohio

[Gilgamesh]

throw that fish back in the water, move on, shes using you, and will only cause you more pain, so its better to go through the suffering of the breakup but be happy later on, then to prolong the inevitable.

 

As for the nice guy thing, welcome to the club, there are women out there looking for those nice guys, the problem is they have a hard time recognizing us. and the ones that have found their matches dont frequent these forums much because they dont have much to complain about.

 

Keep looking, you will find each other. The problem we nice guys have is that we try to damn hard to make a relationship work, no matter how wrong it is for us.

[serenade]

I understand how hard is everything for you at this point of your life. I think that her age has contributed a lot on the situation that you are in now. She is still so young and probably going through a lot of changes, mentally and emotionally. If I get you right, she was only 18 when you first started living in together. What she wanted 2 years ago is far way different to what she wants now. This girl I think just wants to be sure that she can have both right now because she cannot make up her mind still. She didn't want to leave just because maybe she is still in the period of analyzing situation, like what will happen to her if she stays... what if she leaves regardless of your feelings. This girl, I think is selfish and do not deserve a man that is as good as you (like what you have said how you are as aperson). I understand also how much you love her, but did he ever think of your feelings everytime she's with her "friend"? Do you think that this girl deserves the love that you give? If your reason will be for the love itself alone, that you love her and thereforeeeeeee tried to give her the best of everything without expecting in return... still she does not have the right to hurt you that way... and you to be continuously unhappy. She must clear her mind regarding this issue since she is hurting other's feelings and when the feeling is involve, she should do something about it to avoid deeper pain.

 

This girl is selfish, she is hurting you, she is betraying you and you love her. But you have to let her go or be forever unhappy. I know you could still find someone that deserves what you can offer...

[mermayd]

I agree with the above posts in that you should not be subjecting yourself to the pain that she is deliberately putting you through. I think you are wise to leave and start anew. How often have you talked to her about this? Have you expressed these aprticular concerns to her? Have you come out and asked "are you cheating on me? Have you?" Does she know what you are thinking about all of this. Don't end a relationship based on assumptions. If your gut feeling tells you that there is something wrong, then there probably is. But talk about it before doing anything drastic.

 

How could she disrespect you in the manner of not leaving when you ask? Assuming that everything is fine and nothing strange is going on, I think that she should respect your wishes and leave if she is asked to. Especially if you have asked a few times. I would think that she would question why you want her to leave if she was not doing anything wrong. But since she is not questioning that, it justifies my thinking that she is not being faithful to you.

 

It is quite possible that her age has a factor in this. She may be feeling a sense of indepence and freedom and is acting on these impulses. That doesnt mean it is right.

Im sorry for this pain in you. I hope you find your way.

[Breach]

I would like to thank everyone so much for your thoughts on my post. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and everything you've said helps out a lot.

 

I've never known love like this. A feeling deep in your soul that aches, it's something so new to me. Sure, I've been in love before, but not this kind of love. It is hard to break those ties with another, even though you don't want to. But your right, in the long run, it will work out better for me.

 

I've never really had a hard time attracting women, but as you get older, things change. I know what I'm looking for, I just don't know where to look.

 

I know that maybe I made a mistake in the age factor, but I don't look like I'm 31. I could pass for 22, so that is why I seem to attract the younger crowd. I'm tired of that. Where do you start looking for a casual friend? I don't go to church, and I try not to frequent the bars.

 

This forum has really helped me out. To be able to get things off of my chest, and have some feedback, it's great. I've never been one to express my feelings very much. And maybe that's why this current relationship is not working.

 

It's a two way street, and I've contributed to the problems also. No one is perfect. But she wants to go out and socialize everynight and drink. I've done that when I was her age, and I just don't care to do that anymore. So maybe there lies the problem?

[jr]

Hi there,

 

Well, it seems like you've got your hands on Ms. Right and for some reason she doesn't realize what a catch she has. Before digging into you too deeply, I appreciate your seeking of help. Most guys let their egos get in their ways and neglect sound reasoning.

 

No doubt you have gone through the trouble of finding this chick, going out on a date with her, bought chocolates, flowers etc. and you're wondering "why would she treat me this way if I feel so strongly about her and did the things you do when you like someone?" The short answer is that you are neglecting a critical emotional need she has as a woman and what is preventing you from seeing this is your own feelings for her. What women really, really, really want is a M...A....N, not a boy. But cheer up, you are on the road to manhood and after this post, you will not be confused when it comes to the fairer sex.

 

Us guys have two fatal flaws1) the inability to ask for directions when we are lost and 2) we ignore reality when it comes to relationships. No doubt what you do 24/7 is fantasize about how you feel about her when you have no basis to do so in reality. Let's say for a moment that you are Brad Pitt. Can you see this chick treating you the way she has now? I don't because women ONLY fall in love with men they have a deep respect for. Likely she would be all over you and she would be your love slave. Rather than focusing on how strong your feelings are for her, you should focus on how SHE feels about you. For example, currently when she says that she is just friends with this guy, your heart-pounding self is saying "Wew! they're just friends" but her actions are SCREAMING "I am interested in someone who isn't you." and those are the things you should be focusing on to determine her TRUE feelings for you. From what you wrote I would say shes fu**ing the guy already. thereforeeeeeee, in your future successful relationships you will find that she will be all over you if you interpret her ACTIONS toward you and not what she says. You've heard that women are inconsistent? BULL SH*T!. This little concept explains why women say one thing but do another.

 

Did you ever hear of the game chicken? It's one where two guys are at the helm of their vehicles and are on a collision course with eachother and the winner is the one who does not swerve first. Love is really a game of chicken, whether you like it or not. In this game, as a man, YOU lose with the chick if in some way you swerve out of the way. You swerve out of the way big time when you pour out your feelings uncontrollably, let her get away with disrespecting you (if she respected you she would tell you where she is going so that you don't have to worry), tell her all of your hang-ups, give her your life-story on the first date and so on. I GUARANTEE you that you have done one or more of these things at least once. See, women aren't inconsistent. If they like you, they let you know by their ACTIONS not their words and if they don't like you they let you know by their ACTIONS; it's just that you have to interpret her actions accurately. You'll agree with me that, as a man, no matter how strong your feelings are for her, only her feelings really matter in the relationship. In other words, unless she has the hots for you, Houston, it is a no-go for launch. Here's another thing, you CAN'T change her feelings for you unless you start displaying the male qualities that women respond to emotionally. 1) You MUST display self-Control 2) Self-Confidence 3) Self-Assurance. The problem with most "nice" guys ( which by the way should be considered leperous) is that they are TOO eager to please the chick even when there is no basis for it. They buy flowers, bouquets 10 times a day. In their heads they think "By doing this, she will definitely love me." but to the woman, the nice guy always appears weak and clingy (which if you're honest with yourself dude you will admit, but don't worry, those days are over for you). Self-Control means you are able to control your actions despite what your emotions urge you to do. Honestly, how long can you go without saying "I love you" to your woman? Did she ever say "I love you" to you? What you always want is for your woman to say "I love you" more to you than you do to her. How hard is it for you to not drool when your woman is wearing a tight outfit? It's EXTREMELY important for respect for you to keep your emotions to yourself by not spilling out your hang-ups and secrets which I'm guessing you do on a regular basis with this chick. For self-confidence join a comedy club or Toastmasters because brother, without it you don't even deserve a chick. A woman is fragile emotionally and their carnal craving is for a guy who is free-spirited and displays male-strength qualities.

 

You are definitely doing something wrong with this chick. She shouldn't know that she can disrespect you and that it's ok. By being a "nice" guy you condone her actions by doing nothing about it. If you have the guts to do it, tell her that she can pack her bags and leave and go to her new boyfriends place because although now you think she is yours, she really belongs to the guy she is banging now. You deserve better than that and if you don't start exhibiting male-strength qualities, you will never get what you want from women. In love, you NEVER get what you deserve but what you NEGOTIATE.

 

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