She lied, should I leave?

[whitwd]

Last night, out of the blue my gf of 9 months told me she had been lying to me about several things.

 

I was under the impression we had both generally been on the same level when it came to number of previous sexual partners, experiences, and views. She told me she had only been with 8-9 guys, never been in three-somes, all around her age, never cheated etc. Even made up elaborate stories to go along with it. Last night she told me she's been with upwards of 30 guys, in multiple threesomes, dated guys twice her age, cheated on at least half a dozen guys, even dated another girl for several months etc right up to about a year before we started dating.

 

While I hate the fact that she was, for all intensive purposes, a before we started dating (it sounds harsh but it is what it is) - what really got me frustrated is all the times she's openly lied to my face since the beginning of the relationship to cover all this up. Had she been upfront with all this, it probably would have been disappointing but not a deal-breaker.

 

She's been saying "She's changed, thats not her." "She knew she was risking losing me but had to tell me the truth." etc

 

However finding out the person you've been dating isn't who they've been saying they are is hard to deal with. Anyone have any advice? Or your own stories and what you did to deal with it?

[hexaemeron]

This is hard. You have every right to be upset that she lied... but at the same time, it's also totally understandable why she lied. Look at what you wrote about how you see her. Would YOU want to be judged on your past that way?

 

Do you love who she is today?

[Sunny1607307996]

Of course she should have told you at the beginning...but it is really difficult to tell someone your secrets when you've only been going out a few weeks or months.

 

No, she should not have lied to you. But she did end up telling you the truth, of her own accord, and not because you found out some other way and she was forced to explain her past. I think this gives her huge brownie points. She wants to be honest with you.

 

The only thing out of her past I personally would be worried about is her cheating on multiple partners. You don't mention how old she is but it's normal to experiment when you're younger...she just experimented a lot with other genders and things.

 

But I would be worried about the cheating. I personally would need to know the circumstances surrounding the cheating, how many times, why she cheated etc. This could be a deal breaker for me, no matter what the explanation.

 

You just need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you. If you can't deal with her past then let it go....but you can't hold her past against her. You can be angry with her for lying, but keep in mind she did tell you the truth without being prompted.

 

Once you decide if it's a deal breaker or not you can gather your feelings and have a discussion with her. Try to be open and calm, not accusatory. And go from there.

 

I would not blame you if you decided to leave her based on this new information.

[hexaemeron]

And it would be totally understandable if you decided to stay.

[Sparkly Eyes]

This.

 

The fact that she cheated on half of the guys she has been with would really worry me. I mean sure she told you the truth now, but does that really mean she has changed and will never make a mistake again?! I doubt it...

[hexaemeron]

This.

 

The fact that she cheated on half of the guys she has been with would really worry me. I mean sure she told you the truth now, but does that really mean she has changed and will never make a mistake again?! I doubt it...

 

And the fact that so many people have cheated before and go into relationships and lie through their teeth about having done so... people think they're secure and they're not.

 

I'd much rather go into the situation knowing, wouldn't you? I think her honesty should be seen positively here.

[Seraphim]

This is why numbers of partners etc and discussions about your sexual past are not good things. There will ALWAYS be judgement. I think though if you want to blame her for her past you better be open to some from her. People DO change. I would consider how she is with YOU. The fact that she was open with you is a positive thing. I never know why someone wants to own someone's past. It is what it is. You can not change it. You just accept it or you dont and you go accordingly from there.

 

People and relationships get all discombobulated if they do not live in the TODAY. The past is over. The future is not here. You only have today and this minute.

[Sparkly Eyes]

And the fact that so many people have cheated before and go into relationships and lie through their teeth about having done so... people think they're secure and they're not.

 

I'd much rather go into the situation knowing, wouldn't you? I think her honesty should be seen positively here.

 

I do see her honesty positively, but I don't think it makes a huge difference here. I mean it's not like she has just cheated on one or two guys. She seems like a serial cheater.

[hexaemeron]

I do see her honesty positively, but I don't think it makes a huge difference here. I mean it's not like she has just cheated on one or two guys. She seems like a serial cheater.

 

Or, she was a serial cheater. People grow and change. We're all damaged goods in one way or another. I think if she's able to earn trust and keep it, then that should be fine. We should be judged by how we treat our partners, not how we acted as children or teens. Because, if we were all judged on that, most of us would be extremely embarrassed.

[girlfriday]

Sure you can be mad that she lied to you but you can't be mad about her past. That's her past. You guys should talk about how your relationship differs from the rest and if it doesn't you should be careful.

 

I don't have a vanilla past. My bf has never really asked too much about the non-serious relationship stuff. I've dated plenty of men after my serious relationship of many years ended. I started an affair with a married man and I did sleep with men twice my age. It wasn't a great time of my life but I did it. Does that make me love my bf any less or differently? No, he's the first person I've been with that I would marry in a heartbeat and be loyal to forever.

[Sunny1607307996]

Or, she was a serial cheater. People grow and change. We're all damaged goods in one way or another. I think if she's able to earn trust and keep it, then that should be fine. We should be judge how we treat our partners, not how we acted as children or teens. Because, if we were all judged on that, most of us would be extremely embarrassed.

 

We don't know how old the OP and his girlfriend are (unless I missed something?) Yes it's one thing to have a crazy past as a teenager/young adult and it's completely another if she's had this pattern of cheating well into her 30's or 40's or 50's. Yes, people change, but I think it would be much harder for a person to change an established pattern they've had all their lives.

 

I never believed in the "once a cheater always a cheater" manta but I do believe past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

 

It's really up to the OP to decide if she really has changed or has the capacity to change.

[whitwd]

Thanks for the thoughts guys, its given me a bunch of stuff to think about.

[Sunny1607307996]

whitwd

 

Keep us posted. I'd like to hear how things turn out.

[Tarkan]

I'd go with Hexa's advice.

 

The girl I've been dating for one month is quiet the same: She told me on the first date about alot of ex boyfriends and how she was the mistress every time. She told me alot of very disapointing stuff and I had to bite on my teeth to not judge her.

 

I told her that it was a turn off but then again, who am I to judge her ? She's still a human being and she can get a new chance with me. I like her for what she is and I appreciate her honesty.

[DN]

cheated on at least half a dozen guys

Here's the problem as I see it: how are you ever going to trust that she isn't cheating on you? It's all very well for her and others to say she has changed or is capable of change. But she can't prove a negative.

 

You can prove someone has cheated but unless you are with the 24/7 you can't prove they haven't and neither can they. And since she has proven capable of cheating multiple times it is going to be incredibly difficult to have trust that she won't cheat on you. Or hasn't already.

 

If you can live with that - then go for it. But if you think that is going to haunt the relationship you should think long and hard before making a decision.,

[Lecturer]

I would leave, and here's why:

 

In order for her to lie, it means either:

 

a) She is ashamed and/or embarrassed about her past. IMO, this is indicative of a major character flaw... I am repulsed by people that have done things that they are ashamed of.

b) She is fine with her past but knew you would not be accepting it, indicating you're not compatible.

 

A good, solid relationship is one where both people are comfortable with who they are, and accept each other for the same way.

 

I discussed this in a thread I started a while back. I don't care if my partner has been quite active (even been involved in threesomes). Heck, it indicates she isn't frigid or sexually conservative which are BIG plus signs in my book... but she has to be fine/happy/proud of who she is and what she's done. If she has done regrettable things in the past (things she knew was 'wrong' or didn't want to do but couldn't help it), it's a solid bet she is going to do them again - and I don't want to be there for her regret filled apologies.

[Day_Walker]

My problem is that she lied at such an early stage in the relationship. Of course she had her motivation for doing so but the fact that she wants to now put everything on the table and have everything be okay isnt going to work for me.

 

She didnt have to lie about her past should could have said she didnt want to talk about it or just say it was personal.

[hexaemeron]

I would leave, and here's why:

 

In order for her to lie, it means either:

 

a) She is ashamed and/or embarrassed about her past. IMO, this is indicative of a major character flaw... I am repulsed by people that have done things that they are ashamed of.

b) She is fine with her past but knew you would not be accepting it, indicating you're not compatible.

 

A good, solid relationship is one where both people are comfortable with who they are, and accept each other for the same way.

 

I discussed this in a thread I started a while back. I don't care if my partner has been quite active (even been involved in threesomes). Heck, it indicates she isn't frigid or sexually conservative which are BIG plus signs in my book... but be fine/happy/proud of who you are and what you've done.

 

 

Hmmm...I see where you're coming from, Lecturer, and it's well reasoned and discussed as always, but I feel I have to... semi-disagree(?) here. People should not be ashamed of who they are, or who they were in the past. Absolutely. But there's a difference between saying "I don't regret being who I was" and "I feel appropriate which respect to choices I've made."

 

I know in my life that I've mad bad choices and I do feel bad about them, but as there's nothing I can do to fix them, and it's led me to who I am today, I'm not sick about them. Does that make sense?

[Lecturer]

I know in my life that I've mad bad choices and I do feel bad about them, but as there's nothing I can do to fix them, and it's led me to who I am today, I'm not sick about them. Does that make sense?

 

Bad choices in our pasts is not exactly what I'm talking about. It's more like.. did you do things that you are ashamed of, wishing you had not, to the point where you want to hide it or pretend it never happened? Maybe it comes down to sneakiness, which is an offshoot of dishonesty I'd want you to tell me "Listen, I did a, b, c.. maybe not my finest moments, but I had my reasons."

 

The idea of being with a woman (or a man ) who has to bury deep dark secrets for fear they'd never be accepted by me... makes me shiver... not for what they've done, but for how that clearly affects their psyche.

[hexaemeron]

Bad choices in our pasts is not exactly what I'm talking about. It's more like.. did you do things that you are ashamed of, wishing you had not, to the point where you want to hide it or pretend it never happened? Maybe it comes down to sneakiness, which is an offshoot of dishonesty I'd want you to tell me "Listen, I did a, b, c.. maybe not my finest moments, but I had my reasons."

 

The idea of being with a woman (or a man ) who has to bury deep dark secrets for fear they'd never be accepted by me... makes me shiver... not for what they've done, but for how that clearly affects their psyche.

 

Hmm... I get ya, but this is totally situational. Let me put another spin on this. Was I being maliciously sneaky or dishonest when I hadn't yet come out of the closet? I think there are some times where it's understandable, and even advisable to do things like this. But again, totally super situational in the application and whether it's warranted.

[Lecturer]

Good point.. I'll think about what you said, and adjust my philosophy on this accordingly.

 

Sorry, OP, for going a bit off topic (although I think it was still constructive).

[Emily100]

my concern would be how do you know she is telling the truth about her past? maybe she's testing you..something feels suspicious to me..she could be a complusive liar..who knows..

 

how do you really know she's changed to that degree? I would want to know what caused the change..

 

I do agree that she could've told you this stuff earlier on, not on day one but maybe at the 2 month point before she fully had your heart..I think it was a little selfish of her to wait this long to tell you the 'truth', if it is indeed the 'truth'.

[whitwd]

I sat down with her for a few hours this afternoon and we had a pretty lengthy discussion about all this. For the folks not up for reading a long post, the ultimate decision I made was to stay in the relationship with a few ground-rules regarding honesty and the acknowledgment its going to take a while for me to get back to the level of trust I had in her before.

 

I asked what kind of situations she was in when she cheated, none of them were full-blown relationships yet (under a month or two). She never did the "ongoing affair" thing - she ended the relationships after it happened etc. Then she explained that after being in a position where she felt so horrible about herself for all the decisions she had been making - the cheating, and everything else - that she started going to therapy (about two years ago). She had mentioned therapy before but I never pressed why she went - now I know. She said the therapy really helped - and that she doesn't rely on the attention of guys to feel worthwhile anymore. Then I asked what made our relationship different than any of the other ones she'd been in - and how I was I supposed to trust her after finding all this out - she told me that this is the first relationship she's been in that she has seen as real enough to last. She didn't have an answer regarding the trust issue - but if the situation were reversed, I'm not sure I would either.

 

I know it could all quite possibly be a lengthy series of lies she's telling just so she doesn't have to be alone - but I thought about it very seriously, and since we've been dating (with this as an exception) she's shown absolutely no sign of tendencies towards dishonesty or even feigned interest in anyone besides me. Things, for the most part, have been pretty great so far. I've decided to take the educated risk of staying with her - and in order to do that successfully I have to trust her. It could mean I get hurt again later, but I've come to the conclusion that its still a risk worth taking.

 

Thanks for all the advice, insight, and support.

[hexaemeron]

I wish you two all the best.

[Sunny1607307996]

I view her being in therapy as a positive step. It sounds like she is really trying to change and be a better person. At least she was honest with you about therapy from the beginning.

 

I think you have a shot, if you're both willing to work at it. I wish you the best of luck.