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UPDATE. Need one last shot of advice


Stretchb

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Well, something has clicked inside me. I'm already feeling much better about things.

 

For reference, my story is down below the dotted lines at the bottom.

 

I still have had NC with her. And though it's only been a week, I feel like I want to let her go. I still love her and would give her another shot. But I'm exhausted from obsessing on getting her back. If this bird has flown, than there isn't really anything I can do.

 

You have all been great. And spending just a week on this forum really did help me. Thank you all.

 

I would like one more chance to hear your thoughts.

Though she has not asked for them, I am ready to give her her things back, whether that means it's over or not. I can't live in limbo any longer and have come to accept it if it is over. So I thought about dropping her stuff off, inside her garage, while she is at work. And possible leaving the following letter;

 

Hi pretty lady

 

I thought you might want your things back, and your keys, lol. I hope everything turns out well for you Mandi. You're a damn good woman and you deserve to be happy. I'm very sorry if I made any of this rough on you. My intention has only ever been to make you happy, from the day we started, all the way till now. And I truly mean that.

 

I feel good for you now that you are feeling your independence. I remember talking to you a while back about it, and telling you that I thought that you may want and need to experience this freedom some day soon. And though I can't help but think that this was helped along by you entertaining the thought of whatever guy hit on you that night at the bar with Jenny, none the less, you deserve to experience your life. Whether that means your life will be with another man, on your own for a while, or maybe even later down the road, possibly with me, you deserve the chance to live it how you see fit.

 

I have a very large amount of respect for you. I always will. And if this change in your life, that has made you decide to move forward without me, does involve you being with someone else, well, than I thank you for not dragging me along and hurting me in the long road. I thank/respect you for showing me enough respect that you didn't risk hurting me like that. Thank you.

 

You're a beautiful woman with an addicting personality and charisma. Though I don't want to make this sound too sappy, (you know how I like thinking how tough I am), I will always cherish and love the time we had together. You'll always have a place in my heart. And I will always remember the great love we shared.

 

God this is sounding too corny now, but it's true. So I guess I'll wrap this up. I wish nothing but the best for you. You deserve to be happy Mandi.

 

With love always, Stretch.

 

Please let me know if this sounds alright.

 

Thanks, Stretch

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

 

Hi. I really need help.

I'm 35 and she 31.

I was just told by my girlfriend, of over a year and a half, that she needs some time and space. This completely blindsided me. This absolutely came from out of no where. As far as I knew, we were both very much in love. I do know at this point that she is not seeing anyone. Though I'm certain something has caught her attention.

 

She told me she was at a bar and got hit on. She didn't accept at the time, but I think it got her thinking that she would like to try something else out. So she told me that she needed some space. And now I am absolutely devastated.

 

Of course when she told me, I freaked out and made all the wrong moves. I first got angry, then begged. She broke down and said we could continue, but less than 24 hours later, I went back to her house and said I could hear it in her voice that she didn't really want to stay together. So I told her I would give her the space she asked for. She accepted and said she just needed some time for herself.

 

And of course, again, I didn't stop contact. The next morning I went to her house to shovel snow from the driveway. Then I sent text through out the week. I invited her to the auto show with me and my daughter on that Friday, with her and her two children, and she accepted. Then, I stupidly wrote her an e-mail apologizing, and way over the top apologizing, saying I was sorry I hadn't included my daughter in our relationship prior to this. (She had wanted for a long time for us all to do things together. I have a 9 y/o daughter, and she has a 6 y/o daughter and 4 y/o son. On weekends I had my daughter we wouldn't do anything together cause I was initially being protective of my daughter, and then because I was afraid of my x-wife disapproving. And then over time, I guess I was just being selfish.)

 

Well, after she read the e-mail, she sent a text saying she thought it would be best if we didn't go to the show together. She said all she had asked for was some space and I hadn't given it to her. That I had called or sent text back and fourth all week. She apologized for canceling our plans but said she just needed some space.

 

Then I sent another e-mail. "I know I haven't given you the space you asked for. But Mandi, please understand why, and please give me a little bit of empathy and tolerance for me clinging on like I have been. I had no idea, not a single tiny clue this was going to happen. If I would have told you to leave me alone for a while and give me some space while you were still in love with me, you would of really freaked out too.

 

I'm going to back away from you and leave you alone now. I'm sorry for being so stubborn about it and seeming so desperate. I hope you do well with whatever you are going to do. I don't want anything bad for you. I will always want you to feel welcome to call me or contact me. Maybe some day we could try again, the way I feel right now, I definitely don't want to abandon that possibility.

 

So goodbye until the next time I hear from you. I really hope everything turns out ok for you. You don't have to, but I really hope you will reply to this email just so I know that you have read it and acknowledged what I've said. I promise i wont reply back or add anything more after this. I'm sorry for making this so complicated for you over the last week, but it's been an absolute nightmare for me, and that's why I would like to know that you at least recognize how this could hurt me so bad.

 

OK, I've said enough.

 

Goodbye Mandi. Good luck. And I do love you.

 

Stretch"

 

She replied, "I am just asking for a little space. That's all. I'm not saying I don't want to be with you ever, just some space for now. I'm sorry for hurting you so much. I never meant to do that.

 

I will always love you and care for you.

 

Mandi"

 

That e-mail was on Thursday morning. It's now late Sunday night and I have not contacted her since. Though it is absolutely crushing me.

 

What do I do now? I was reading some other post in here, and I know that I have got to leave her alone. My question now is, should I tell her I want to give each other our keys and belongings back. She has not said anything about wanting her house keys back or wanting to give me mine back. But reading some of the other post in here, I'm wondering if I can gain any upper hand and start paving the way for her to come back to me, if I tell her I think it would be best if we gave each other our stuff back.

 

I want her back so-so bad. I was positive she was the one I was going to marry someday. I have never had a woman love me so much and be so compassionate towards me. She has always been so-so loving to me, and we really had a good relationship together. She had even wanted to move in together and we always talked about "when" we were going to get married someday. And though I was very hesitant in the beginning, I grew to love her more than anyone I have ever loved. She made me fall so much in love with her due to the great relationship we built, including the greatest sex life either of us have ever had, and the way she was so loving to me.

 

Now, do I just stay out of contact and in wait? Or should I try to get her thinking about possibly wanting me back by trying to throw a trump card and saying I would like to give each other our stuff back and that I want to get on with my life? Try to turn it around by using the reverse physiology thing. I'm afraid to do that, cause to be honest, I am holding on to the fact that she hasn't asked for her belongings back as it meaning she hasn't totally cut me out of her life yet. And if I e-mail her saying I want to give each others keys and stuff back, I know to be nice about it, but how nice? What do I say exactly?

 

God I need help. I'm a strong man. Good looking and proud. But I have never been hurt like this. Like I said, this came as a complete shock to me. And I want her back so bad. I need to know how to move forward.

 

Help, please!

Stretch

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Normally I think the letter sounds nice BUT after reading your background story, I'd have to say no. You just PROMISED here you wouldn'T write again. And she asked several times for space.

 

Listen, I think your situation sounds pretty good already... at least she hasn't totally shut you out yet. It's all up to what you do in this "space" time. She's going to contact you when she's ready - she really will.

 

I do honestly think that the best thing you can do right now is not send this email and continue giving her space, just like you promised. You've still got a chance!

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Substitute NC for shut up.

Rocky: SHUT UP!

Bugs Bunny: Shut u-up? Why certainly! You don’t think I’m the type that would keep on blabbin’? Some people never know when to stop. When I’m told shut up, I shut up…

Rocky: [sticks gun in Bugs's face] Shut UP shut-in’ up!

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The problem with those types of letters are that it sounds so damn formal all of a sudden - someone you loved? Shared much time with? Dreams? She wants space.. and you are getting all dramatic on her, she doesn't want drama.

 

"Hi pretty lady"

 

"You're a damn good woman and you deserve to be happy."

 

"I have a very large amount of respect for you. I always will."

 

"I thank you for not dragging me along and hurting me in the long road. I thank/respect you for showing me enough respect that you didn't risk hurting me like that. Thank you."

 

thanks.. THANKS.. THANKKKKS !!! Don't do this. It's manipulative. It's understandable, you are hurting like hell. You never thank someone for loving you or being in a relationship with you - how is that equal? Equality being the basis for a healthy relationship.

 

"God this is sounding too corny now, but it's true." Listen to your own advice. It's not corny per se but in her eyes right now this will be corny and she will roll her eyes (not orgasmically). When you are in a place where you want space and nothing to do with the relationship, this is all blablablabla to the person that has exited stage left from the relationship. It will reaffirm her idea of needing break or moving on. Breaks aren't good, not going to lie but you probably know this.

 

I have done this in the past. I was in a bad place. A few months after, I can't read what I wrote to her as It sounded so damn desperate, but I know what I did write and it has no bearing on what I would say now if I had the chance. Give yourself some time to sort yourself out - this means NC and respecting her wishes.

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Substitute NC for shut up.

Rocky: SHUT UP!

Bugs Bunny: Shut u-up? Why certainly! You don’t think I’m the type that would keep on blabbin’? Some people never know when to stop. When I’m told shut up, I shut up…

Rocky: [sticks gun in Bugs's face] Shut UP shut-in’ up!

 

LOL. That honestly made me laugh pretty good. Thanks, that was appropriate and very funny.

 

Thanks to all. God this sucks so bad. I'm so tired of this already. I'm not a freaking teenager. I never thought I would be playing games like this at this point in my life. And it makes me want to scream! I love her so much, but I feel like she is pushing me to the point of washing my hands of her and never wanting to see her again. Deep down, that's not true, but my head is tired of this crap already.

 

Thanks everyone.

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Well, here goes.

I got up this morning and ran down to the gas station on the corner. When I came out I seen her sitting in her car. She was waiting for me to come out, so I walked over and got in her car. I was a little hung over from going out the night before. I stayed up beat and asked how she was. She said fine and I asked her what she was doing here. She said she had left her parents house from dropping off the kids and seen me going inside so she decided to stop. For some reason she was off work for the day.

 

Then she started crying. I asked if she was ok, and she said no as she started crying harder. I told her I needed to run home real quick and suggested I come over to her house so we could talk for a bit. She said ok.

 

I ran home and showered then took off to her house. We started talking and she said she had seen that I was going out last night. I asked how she knew that I was going out and she said she seen it posted on my family website. (I don't do facebook or any of that stuff, but I do have a family/friends website. I see that she still goes on there everyday. And I had purposely posted that I was going out to the neighboring town from where I live to check out the bar scene with some friends).

 

Yesterday her kids go to her ex's and I don't have my daughter and it was always one of our nights that we would be together just the two of us. She said she had got home from work yesterday and sat and cried. She said she just knew I would call her or text her, and she said it was killing her that I hadn't. Then she said she went on the website and seen that I was going out and then that really killed her and she just sat home and cried.

 

I said I was sorry, and that I had really wanted to text her, but I was trying to respect her request to give her space. The conversation went on. She said she misses me pretty bad. She said she constantly looks at her phone waiting for me to call or text and gets sad because I haven't.

 

At this point I told her this was all silly. I said I missed her incredibly and hated not being able to talk to her. I said, if we're both missing each other so much, I don't understand why we were doing this. She said she still needs some time.

 

She said she wanted to be able to do things without me. I told her I had never told her she couldn't do things with out me and had actually encouraged her to go do things when I have to work. (I work 6pm to 6am, two days on then two days off, and three days every other weekend.) I encouraged her to not just sit home by herself on the weekends that I work, as her kids are at her ex's on those weekends. She said she knew I had, but started to feel guilty about it.

 

Then she talked about how I always talk negative about marriage and that she thinks I'll never want to get married again. (I always tease her about marriages ruining great relationships, though I don't want to get married right now, this is mostly just teasing her about it.) I explained that it was just teasing her cause I knew it aggravated her. Then I told her that while i had always talked bad about it, I had knew in my heart that I was going to marry her someday. She said she didn't want to get married right now either, but she felt like I would never want to get married. I told her this was far from the truth and I was sorry I made her feel that way. I said that I had every intention to marry her someday.

 

We talked more and cried together. She cried pretty hard a couple times. She also revealed to me that her cousin Karen and Jenny have been telling her that she needs to be single for a while and try dating other people. This is bad, real bad as far as I'm concerned. She is now spending all her time with them. Karen is married with three kids, and Jenny has a live in boyfriend and has three kids from someone else. But, I really don't like the idea of these two hounding her to get away from me. This could cause some problems.

 

I told her it was silly that we couldn't ever talk to each other. I told her I could give her space and back it up considerably, but it just didn't make since for us not to be able to talk, and even see each other sometimes. She agreed with me. At this point I was sitting in front of her on the couch and was rubbing her leg. Then I told her with as much charm as I could muster, that I had to admit, I really missed our sex life. She chuckled and said she missed it too. I kissed her softly a few times and then moved to her weak spot on her neck. Then I whispered to her, that just cause she needed space didn't mean we couldn't still have sex when we needed it.

 

So, pretty soon we were in her bedroom for a while. We finished and then came back out to the living room. She made a point to say that us just doing that still didn't change her needing space right now. I laughed and told her I knew that, but then said I would love to be her "booty call" when it was needed. She chuckled and agreed.

 

I told her I would be needing a date for a ritzy company event I had to go to. She said she would go with me. Then I told her I would still like to go and do things together with our kids on the weekends she has hers and I have my daughter. She agreed to that also.

 

I told her that I would give her space, and that I wouldn't go back to calling or texting her all the time. I told her I was fine with us backing this up considerably, but I thought it would just be silly to not talk when one of us need to talk and that we should be able to go out once in a while. Like a date, and then take the kids and do things together as well. She agreed with all this.

 

So, now what? Did I mess up with any of this? How should I move forward from this point? Man, seeing her and feeling her again was the greatest thing ever. God I love her so much. I really don't want to screw this up. I plan on trying to have her initiate most of any future contact. I definitely don't want to pour anything on too heavy right now. I don't know. Do you guys think I got a chance of getting back together full time again?

 

I had some exciting news tonight and sent her a text and asked if she could talk for a minute. She replied yes. I called her and told her what I was excited about. I told her I had just needed to share my news with her. She said that was fine and she made some short conversation. I told her I would let her get off the phone, I had just needed to share my news with her real quick. Then, before hanging up, I said, "Mandi I won't say this every time we talk, but, I love you. And I need to be able to say it once in a while". She kind of giggle and said ok. But then she didn't say it back to me. Earlier in the day, she did say it a couple times. But then on the phone, she went out of her way to not say it back. That gave me a little bit of a cut.

 

Man, this is all so exhausting. Please let me know what you think.

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I think someone was in the room with her and she didn't want to have to explain yet.

 

So, you're going to date like real adults! Good! I hate it that adults think dating has to be exclusive and seeing someone always has to be a "relationship". If there's not a diamond on my hand and at least a season and year picked for the wedding, forget it. I'll have dinner with whomever I please, go out with my girlfriends, and if the guy doesn't like it, he'd better get to the jeweler!

 

In case you haven't figured it out, and I bet you did because you sound like a pretty smart guy, you can't tease a woman about a subject that you know she's sensitive about. Why torment someone you allegedly love? It causes her misery. She should feel emotionally safe and secure with the person she loves, not a piece of a$$ who isn't worth making any long term commitments or plans for the future. It feels incredibly bad. I can't tell you how hurtful it is. My ex used to call me Pudgy when I gained some weight - I'd ballooned up to a size 6. He thought it was funny. I was a recovering anorexic who had weighed 86 lb. only a year before. It was hell.

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Autumn Born is right. You shouldn't tease about never getting married again. She doesn't find it funny.

 

I don't think suggesting being her booty call during the space period is cute or wise, nor does it advance your cause. Personally, I would lose respect for the guy and question the basis of the relationship if he seemed okay to have booty calls without the commitment.

 

I think you need to come to an understanding of what is happening with the two of you in this phase. If you are continuing the relationship but just backing off and giving her room to breathe, that is one thing. But if space means she actually wants to see other people, you may want to rethink the physical intimacy and telling her you love her. Seeing each other is fine, but you need to respect yourself as well as respecting her request for space if you do want to get back together in a committed relationship.

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Thanks squirl. I think you're correct. And I was just trying to be cute with the "booty call" thing. And it was my way of saying that I would like to still have sex while we take this step back. But if she is going to try to see someone else, than i don't want anything to do with it.

 

Matter of fact, at some point I would like to tell her that I can give her this space, but if she plans on trying to see other men, than I can't see her or talk to her anymore. I'm just not going to be comfortable seeing her on a Wednesday and then knowing she has a date for Saturday night. I'm not down with that.

 

I don't know what to do. I want this woman back so bad. But she obviously is still having second thoughts about me. And now I got her two female cousins pushing her away from me and trying to get her to date other guys. She told me they're telling her to try to date other people. I don't think I want to deal with that. I don't know.

 

Thanks

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