Being pulled in all different directions/needy bf

[shuttterbug]

Hi everyone, first time posting. First of all, let me say I really REALLY couldn't pinpoint which forum to post in because my situation falls in all categories. Very long story short(er): I'm 25 year old female, dating a 34 year old male. We've been friends since I was nineteen and we run in the same group, so the age difference was never weird. We've been dating for one year now. He's been with me throughout the hardest time of my life (my dad, who was extremely close to me and i was all he had, was diagnosed with cancer and died very quickly within an 8 month span), and is generally an awesome person. Now, the problem i've always had with him is that he is so insecure and needy/clingy. If it were up to him, I'd have moved in the 1st month we were dating. He was clingy throughout dealing with my dad's diagnosis and death. I resent him for that, I've been dealing either with the stress of my dad's death or my boyfriend's constant "relationship issues" for over a year. I'm not sexually attracted to him. We argue a lot (mostly about me being distant). In short, I'm not happy, but I care for him. He has the best sense of humor and is truly my best friend..we talk about anything and everything. I broke up with him about 3 weeks ago and thought that was it, and I was done. Then I heard that he was talking to a girl he had been dating before me which I know is not my business, but I became weak and took him back. I feel that he will move on quickly because he wants to find a wife and mother to his future children soon, even though he says he loves me more than anything. Now I'm in the same predicament. The thing is, I'm torn between wanting to settle down (he just bought a beautiful house and wants me to live there) and being free. I am afraid I'll make a mistake by letting him go but I can't imagine myself feeling that chemistry with him again. Another problem I'm having is, during our break, my ex-date/fling guy came back into the picture. He is gorgeous and I'm incredibly attracted to him and now he tells me he wants to try to date me seriously (he does not know of my relationship). While I know I don't and shouldn't really take this guy seriously, he is making me distracted and confused. So what do I do, stay with someone who I'm not attracted to but enjoy their friendship and know that they'll probably never hurt me (mostly because hes too insecure and clingy) or move on and just try to get my sexual and attraction needs met. I know this is kind of hasty, but I needed to write it all out before work, please provide any questions to me if it will help with giving me advice. Thank you

[ToF]

I'm not sexually attracted to him.

 

Enough said. This guy is a friend to you. Maybe even a best friend, but not a romantic partner. You may be able to deal now, but can you live the rest of your life not ever enjoying or even wanting sex with the person you've chosen to be with?

 

As hard as it is, you should probably end it ASAP.

[hexaemeron]

You leaned on a friend who was there for you in a horrible time and you're confusing affection for love.

 

You're not attracted to him. Enough said.

[Flintluck]

I've been in a similar situation before. Very similar actually. The difference is, I was never actually with the guy who was my best friend. But he wanted to be with me. My main problem was deciding if I wanted to be with this guy who I was not physically attracted to at all, but who was absolutely the one person I had serious personality-chemistry with? My decision was that I should let him find someone who can fill his needs and also find someone who can fill mine.

We don't actually speak anymore, but he's been dating around and I've just recently come into a new interest too.

 

I still wonder if I should have been with him instead of letting him go ):

But it really wouldn't have been fair to either of us to not have such a large portion of a relationship fulfilled, so it was most certainly for the best.

 

I would suggest leaving him--- Chances are he's not the only guy who will be such an awesome friend for you. (:

[MandyJade]

Hey there.

I bet that you feel very obligated to the guy who has been your friend for so many years. But if you are not ready to settle down, then you are not ready. Do not just jump on the train because it is passing you. You have to wait until you are ready to become a mother and wife. And you are not attracted to this guy. I would find it so hard to be with some one that I was not attracted too.

As for dating the other guy, you would need to give yourself some time to heal after your breakup. And do not go and date him seriously just because he is attractive. Make sure he is a good person as well.

This must be hard for you to choose because you are very close to these men, but I wish you luck and hapiness.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you see him as a friend and support system and don't want to lose that. However, you don't see him as a romantic partner and since you don't see him in that way then you should indeed break up with him. You will have to accept that he will move on and find someone else and that he may not want to continue the friendship with you. In other words, you need to accept that you have to move on and find another support system if he chooses not to be friends with you post break up. However, you should not stay with him simply because you want him in your life as a friend...you need to move on and find someone you are attracted to and who treats you right. This guy's neediness and clinginess and immediate bouncing to another woman suggests to me that he would not be a very good partner because he wants someone, anyone will do and then he will cling too tight. I would not go rushing off to the other man either...you need to take time to heal from this loss if you break up with him.

[girlfriday]

I dated a guy like that for 4 years. I was very miserable.

Don't do it. There are other guys with houses.

[shuttterbug]

Thank you for all of the replies. I guess its unanimous that I should be breaking up with him. I always hoped that I could build the chemistry and if he's a great guy, that maybe it is worth staying with him even if I don't feel excited about him, or want to be affectionate with him but I'm probably wrong. This sucks, I guess I've always known it wasn't going to work out, but I get moments throughout my day feeling really good about him and seeing myself have a future. At the end of the day though, if I don't so much as want to kiss my boyfriend or hold his hand much less have sex, I would go crazy after a while. Thank you all.