i love him, that is why i can't marry him.

[newlife21]

i had been married before, 10 years, i got along well with my ex, but i left because i couldn't bring myself to have sex with him anymore. right from the start i wasn't turned on by him, i didn't know and didn't mind then as i was young and i didn't have much sex drive. i did my duty as a wife but i realised after 10 years that he was not the one, a marriage should not be just me satisfying him. so we parted.

 

i finally met the man whom i think is the right one. i wouldn't had hesitated at all to marry him if i were in my twenties. but now i know what marriage is all about. to me, ( i am not saying i am right but this is what i think ), marriage is something that will destroy romance. marriage is good and appropriate if you want to have kids, but since i don't want kids, i am so afraid marriage will kill the romance in my relationship.

 

it is not that i still want to flirt and party, no, i only love him. the reason that i only love him i want to protect the feelings we have right now, which is so precious to me, which is what i want to keep having for the rest of my life. the feeling of being in love. it keeps me motivated everyday, i keeps me high. i am almost 100% sure that the daily living together will kill the sparks. been there, done that.

 

he had proposed to me, i am so happy, i didn't say yes, but he knows i do love him. instead, he said we could live together. but i didn't want that too. i just think that living together will kill what i want. but i didn't dare to tell him this. it will spoil things, i fear he will get upset.

 

there was once we stayed together for 2 weeks, i already felt the sparks getting weak. then we stayed apart for a month because he was away for work, the sparks came back so strong. i told myself this is what i want, i need the sparks in my life. i find it painful to love someone and yet feeling the sparks dying just because we see each other everyday.

 

he is a sweet and sensitive man, if i tell him this he will feel hurt and interpret that i don't love him enough.

 

after reading this, what do you think of me? what is going on with me?

[lilypadgirl]

Hmm...it's sounding to me that you're more in love with the feeling of being in love than him???

 

Actually it sounds like after being in a "meh" marriage for 10 years, you really want to experience your share of sparks that you've been deprived of over these years. That's totally natural and understandable. Sparks are wonderful.

 

But a relationship cannot be sustained by sparks alone. Sometimes sparks do mellow out for a while and what remains is a deeper level of trust, understanding, friendship, and respect. That type of love can be equally as satisfying, if not more.

 

If you're not ready to live together, don't force it. Tell him about your concerns and if he's a great guy, he should understand and give you more time. But remember that he really loves you and wants to progress with you eventually. Don't let your fear of losing the spark or addiction to it push him away.

[Keyman]

Nothing is going on with you. You are normal for the type of person you are. My last ex is just like that, where as I am not. I prefer to be together, and that is why we parted. You need to find a man where you both feel this same way. There are men out there like this. And while you love this one and he loves you now, he has already asked to marry you, has already asked to live together. Do you think he is going to be happy being separate all of the time? Can you be assured that he wont eventually resent you for being like you are and leave anyway?

 

To me, he sounds like a guy that wants to sleep beside his parner, to come home from work and talk to her about those events. But I think that over time, what you feel while you are together for long periods, may be what he will feel when you are always separate. Do you want him to feel like this?

[newlife21]

thanks lilypadgirl.

 

yes i understand what deep relationship is all about. i had a very deep one with my ex, so deep that he became my kin. is scary....

 

i am with my current bf for more than 3 years, what we had is quite deep, yet the sparks are still alive because we don't see everyday. i even made an effort to keep a distance when need to.

 

he recently bought a place and kept asking me to move in, also implied getting married. i would love to ( i didn't tell him), i feel that he is so sweet, i love him so much, but i keep thinking that this is exactly what will kill what we are having now. am i emotionally unavailable? i don't really know the true definition of that, is either i have a problem or i am just being practical.

[newlife21]

thank you keyman, i will ponder on what you said.

 

if he gives me an ultimatum now, i will choose to marry him than to lose him. but i don't want to reach this ultimatum state, some damage would had been done.

 

i am writing to find out if i am the rare one feeling this way, and am quite "comforted" to hear that i am not the only one.

[lilypadgirl]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you either if you just like the status quo and are very comfortable there. But I feel like you're worried that any closer will kill what you currently have and if that wasn't the issue would you want to be closer?

 

Plus I think most relationships take work to keep the sparks alive after a certain point. If it's ever the case that the sparks start to mellow out, there are ways you two can work to rebuild that.

 

If you're very independent by nature, then that's perfectly fine. Just don't let the fear of losing sparks motivate your decisions.

[newlife21]

you analysis is absolutely right, my fear of losing sparks is indeed motivating my decision.

 

there are many times i feel so in love i want to marry him, but because i " had been there, done that", the next moment i held no more illusion about a marriage.

 

what keyman said is so true, we are two different types of people, if i don't conform i will lose him. mmm....

 

just now i have a "silly" idea, i kinda like it. i thought how about getting married, then live separately once in a while, maybe be together 4 days a week. it is possible for me because i am financially independent, same for him. oh, i suddenly feel excited about this idea. is like having best of both worlds...

[Iakasot]

Sounds like you're trying to protect him from yourself. The yourself that gets bored/loses interest. Because once you are that self to him, he'll be treated no different from just a friend, or another guy, in a sexual and romantic sense. If he dissected this, he wouldn't like what he saw... Is that really worth it for him?

[lilypadgirl]

Do you guys live in an apartment or own houses? If apartments, maybe try moving into his apartment complex first? This will give you the option of trying to "live together" but still having some place to retreat to if you start getting worried.

 

I think once you see that being close regularly won't kill the sparks, it help rebuild confidence to progress more. Yes, sparks will probably decrease, but there are other ways to rebuild/keep it alive other than forced distance.

[newlife21]

yes you are right, i am protecting him too, because i care so much for him.

 

no i will not treat him as another guy, or normal friend. if i marry this time, it will be forever. it won't turn out too badly at the very worst, i think i am quite a nice person. i am just thinking if there is a way to preserve the sparks. ( even if i don't marry him, i have no intention to "change man" ).

 

i have confidence to say no other woman can do a lot alot more better than me. i am no less if not more than an average.

[newlife21]

lilypadgirl, thanks for your suggestion.

 

how about yourself? are you married yourself?

 

he and me live in our own separate houses. i really like the idea of getting married, i like the idea of him being my husband. i think i will suggest to him i want to stay apart once in a while if we get married.

[SnowFox]

There are married couples who live in separate houses. You wouldn't be the only person on the entire planet who wants a non-mainstream lifestyle.

 

I know a couple that has been together quite happily for 20 years, not married, no kids, separate houses. It works for them.

 

The key, though, is that both people need to be on board for something like this to work.

 

This man may not want that much space in a relationship.

 

Regardless of whether it seems extreme to others, there is something to be said for having some space in a relationship. Many long term couples do fall into a rut due to too much togetherness. They don't even realize they are doing it to themselves, but too much familiarity can dampen arduous feelings.

 

But there also are ways to have "space" even while living under the same roof - things like- having a room all to yourself, having some activities apart from your partner, etc.

[newlife21]

thank you, i feel more hopeful now. creating space will be the solution. yes, that's it, i must remember to keep my own lifestyle, have my own activities. this website is great, thank you all of you! i feel my mind opening up! so happy, muah!

[Iakasot]

yes you are right, i am protecting him too, because i care so much for him.

 

no i will not treat him as another guy, or normal friend. if i marry this time, it will be forever. it won't turn out too badly at the very worst, i think i am quite a nice person. i am just thinking if there is a way to preserve the sparks. ( even if i don't marry him, i have no intention to "change man" ).

 

i have confidence to say no other woman can do a lot alot more better than me. i am no less if not more than an average.

 

Right, I understand that you are not treating him as another guy NOW, and don't think you would if you lost the sparks. But think about it, if the sparks weren't there to begin with where would he be now? Would it really be that different if they disappeared? A lot of people think they're going to stay with the person "no matter what" when they're "in love" with them. You seem like a very "OMG SPARKS ARE EVERYTHING" type of person, I'd be very worried about the relationship if I were in his shoes, to be honest. You'll likely deny that sparks are everything. You wouldn't keep having sex with him "out of duty" if the attraction disappears, if you think you would, I refer you to exhibit A: your ex hubbie.

[newlife21]

when that happens, he will just have to deal with it. when that happens, i had already contributed a lot in his life.

 

have you ever like a person so much that just spending a day with that person is already a reward?

 

my ex did not regret ever been with me before. it is the ten years that counts , not the ending.

[Iakasot]

when that happens, he will just have to deal with it. when that happens, i had already contributed a lot in his life.

 

have you ever like a person so much that just spending a day with that person is already a reward?

 

my ex did not regret ever been with me before. it is the ten years that counts , not the ending.

 

No, the ending counts, because you were that person all along, who 'loses her precious tingly feeling'. It's not an equal relationship if you are more prone to losing attraction than he is. Let me throw some statistics at you (this might help understanding the situation from his point of view): divorce initiators are 70% women 30% men. Should we men just "deal with it"? No, I think it's more reasonable to want equality, he should too, and if he was my friend, it would bother me that he didn't think about these things and the implications of this inequality on his future.

 

You must understand that it's not just divorce, females reject males more, and conventional break-ups are also performed more often by females. Males are the gender that has to "pay for IT", he's not that different once the attraction is gone, he's just another guy who isn't worth anything sexually/romantically by default.

 

There is no default worth if you just take his body, but your body holds default worth to him. And it's easy for him to return to that 0 default worth, if maybe he's like a little clingy or whatever, or he doesn't have the right level of confidence anymore, your feelings just might not be there anymore. It's a grim reality, just how easy it is for you to lose attraction, as opposed to him.

 

It seems like you're safe, because of how into you he is, but he's not safe from you, and that's not fair. You put other guys into that position. I read studies that most men are happy in marriages and most women aren't. Figures, they're just relationships where it's more socially unacceptable to break up.

 

Please don't say "that's just the way it is", he deserves an equal relationship, he deserves his body to be worth something. Not just being a "piece of chemistry" with a very quick default to "friend". Also please understand that I'm not being unrealistic about this, you've already talked about your attraction diminishing before, that's red alert, that's a red flag to me.

 

If I were him, I'd want to know what's going on, and just where I stand at least. Please be straight up with him, he deserves to know. Obviously don't get married. But that said, I still wouldn't want to be in his shoes, that's all I have to say for now.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[WomanWriter]

I am at a point in my life where I am learning how to be content with companionship. I am attracted to my boyfriend (some things turn me off, but overall there is an attraction)...but I could live with just being best friends. Sometimes I feel content just hanging out with my best female friend and can imagine spending the rest of my life just talking and laughing and living with her. It is warm and friendly and enjoyable.

 

I no longer NEED 24/7 sparks. They are nice at times, but too much stress and unrealistic to strive for everyday. I am at a point where I am just now realizing that I can have other things going on in my life to keep me fresh and excited. I am coming out of a depression, getting therapy, and getting more motivated again with some new activities.

 

I think that as long as you keep yourself growing, there is nothing to worry about it. Maybe you don't love this guy. IMO, love is not sparks. That is infatuation. Why live in an illusion? It is your choice, but I rather be really close to someone and trust them than to constantly feel angsty and obsessed.

 

I was very angsty and passionate about my ex fiance, but you know what...that wasn't healthy. We were wrapped up in each other and nuts.

 

I will be happy with someone I can share some laughs with and someone I can live with.

 

They say you shouldn't marry someone you can you live with, but someone you can't live without. I disagree.

 

As long as you have other things going for you guys, why should the sparks die? And if they do, why couldn't you rekindle them from time to time? Isn't there more to life to add pizazz? Is this guy someone you see as a best friend?

[spinstermanquee]

I think your fear is perfectly normal... no one wants to go in thinking that this wonderful thing will evaporate with the daily grind of existence. Also, fear of failure can be strong on the second time round (once burned, twice shy).

 

The thing is, it DOESN'T disappear. Yes, the quotidian occasionally takes over but even in the worst moments of the relationship you somehow keep connected to the feeling that this person is THE ONE.

 

If he is the one, then please, for YOU, take the next step, even if it is a baby one. You don't have to get engaged, you can ask for a few month waiting period for both of you. Or you can ask for a long engagement. Or you can ask to wait a year to get engaged. Honor your comfort level but keep moving forward little by little. If you feel pain or discomfort, slow down and TALK to him.

 

Sounds like you have a good thing, you don't have to marry him, you don't have to not marry him. Just stay focused on having a healthy relationship, keeping the lines of communication open, and enjoying life together. Everything else is superfluous.

 

Hope that helps my dear. Whatever you do, don't cheat yourself out of a great relationship because you think you don't deserve it. You do. Everyone does.