Wife doesn't want me anymore

[TechResQ]

And I Hope you take what Ellie said to heart! 100% Dead Spot on!!!!

[ksh1255]

Thanks Ellie,

 

We have actually gone to our pastor for counseling one time, and its like he was spot on with how things were happening. He said he would have never guessed in a million years that we were having problems tho. It's funny, because neither would I. But I guess now if I sit back and look at how things happened when she broke off our engagement, and was going out with her ex husband, I am almost positive they were intimate altho she told me they were not. She did make a point when we got on civil terms a few days before getting back together to tell me that her ex was coming into town and wanted to hang out. I got pissed nonetheless, I didn't want to know this. She missed work the next day because she was hungover and throwing up, she said I made her so mad that she got that drunk. Anyway she let me know she only seen him a few times that night in passing going to and from the bar, dunno if its true or not, or why 2 YEARS later any of this even matters. I mean she has told me stories about going out, in which I know he was with her, it was a group but still - It's like everything I was ok with knowing while things were great, are coming back and consuming me. It's the past, 2 yrs have past since then, we have been so happy, we have got married, had a child etc...I don't know why since we are having problems it's all flooding me again. It's like I covered it up, but never truly let it go - and I didn't see that until now.

[TechResQ]

But ksh, you are beginning to see it now and that is what is important.

 

One more thing I would like to add is from personal experience. When I joined eNA it was because of a devastating break up. My "then" fiance' (who is now my ex) started cheating on me a mere 3 months after he asked me to marry him. I caught him red handed. Here's the thing...he was JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE. He was selfish, insecure, non-committal and narcissistic...still is...will NEVER change. The reason I am telling you this is because of the NEVER CHANGE part...they don't, they won't and for some reason, this type of personality just can't. A HUGE red flag popped up when you mentioned that she is asking you not to say you love her so much. My ex did the exact same thing. The reason they don't want to hear it is because of the guilt they feel. Your love becomes a burden to them and they just don't want to be reminded of it. Couples in a healthy loving relationship say I Love You, whenever the feeling strikes, and that could be once a day or 100 times a day...but the receiver should never feel burdened by that message...it should feel good. To her, it doesn't.

 

Please re-read all of the advice you've gotten here...then read it again.

 

Take care. God Bless

[ksh1255]

I guess what it all boils down to is I love her so much, I dwell on how we were, and I second guess rather she was that way with just me, or is it just how she is. I know the getting close and ending thing is her, some guys deserved to be broke up with, others may not have. I do not think my wife is cheating, we flat out don't have the time between school and kids. However, emotional cheating is a possibility.

 

I'm just scared to let go. I'm so consumed with worrying about rather she is going to run off and sleep with someone else, her ex specifically because I have let her know in a round about way I know it happened. He was not in our lives the first time minus talking to him about divorce, and this time all I know of is he said congrats to her on us having a baby, in which she told me about it, I would have never known. But, he is the one that disappears for a few yrs and gets brought back into the picture somehow.

 

What I am doing is purely speculating, it could be worrying for nothing on that part. But, I let her know the other night I was aware she could go have sex if she wanted to, I gave her a look that pissed her off and made her feel like a " * * * * * ". When I told her we had split before so I know what she could do, she says were we married that time? Did we have a child?

 

I can tell you this, my daughter will not be drug from guys home to guys home if things do not work out. I am hoping it does, last night wasn't anything fantastic, but it wasn't bad. I did kiss her goodnight and say love you, and she did the same - but its the same routine, no passion behind it or anything. \\

 

Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage, I am cool alone but I dont want to be alone forever. I let one great girl go after 4 yrs, then I got engaged to a girl I was with 4 yrs, and got shafted...she is about to get married again and from what I hear is still crazy about me. We got back together for a couple months and just too much had happened, it didnt work out. Then I met my wife who took my mind right off my ex, we had a bad splitup, we worked thru it and now after almost 3 yrs, things are going south hard.

 

She blames the things said the last 3 fights, well the only 3 - but I can assure you what was said during our splitup was a lot worse than that...and she still got back with me. Now, I know I shouldn't have said things, but she did as well, and it hasn't made me lose feeling or not love her anymore. All in all I've been great to my wife. Arguments happen.

[lostandhurt]

Okay I have to recharge before I can give any rep points to you girls. I must say that you both have great insight and have made some great points here.

ksh,

I hope you listen to these wonderful ladies and most importantly you listen to yourself. You aren't being told anything you already don't know, you just haven't accepted it yet. I want you to read not only what others have written to you but what you have written.

If she will not go with you to counseling then go by yourself but always invite her along. If she is to busy just ask her what is more important than saving your marriage?

 

Tech, Ellie thank you so much.

 

Lost

[ksh1255]

Well we went one time and I thought it went well, and we tried a few things he suggested. But,things didn't really shape up until Sunday before last and it lasted until Sunday, which is when she showed me affection. She told me yesterday that she was gonna text and say not to worry she was just on edge. I do not know if she told me that because of the tax money or not. We have joint accounts, and I would not try to keep all of it anyway, even tho I did all the working. It did make me feel good that she was in such a great mood yesterday. Last night was nothing bad, but nothing great - just kissed goodnite and said Love you.

 

I have the same hurt day to day, same unanswered questions from the past etc, as I did when we broke up. Thing is we are still married. I shouldn't feel like this in my life.

[TechResQ]

^^ No you shouldn't.

[ksh1255]

Thing is I told her if we were really going to fix this, we needed to work on our marriage, our intimacy and everything. I said I don't want you to reach a point where you cheat on me. She has already noted that she is frustrated. She says if she was single she could care less about sex, but I don't really buy that based off her past anyway.

 

Just talked to her she seemed ok, not happy mood but not bad mood. Way I see it is, I am going to go home, be myself, do what I need to do. The next time she hits her "im unhappy" spurt, I am just going to go ahead and have her address some things from the past that are eating at me, and then let her know I am done with this. She has offered to talk about the breakup and I refused because I felt like it would definitely lead to an end. Supposedly the day she spoke to her ex husband she used the excuse something like he had known her better than anyone, and she wanted to get his opinion on if she was doing the right thing, because she had been with him longer than anyone, but I dont exactly believe that. I think he is like a comfort blanket to her, she always seem to run back and fall back on him. She talked to him towards the end of her and her ex splitting up, he called the night of our first date, then she got all wrapped in me. We broke up she calls him and is all out with him, so it makes sense. They have dated several times, but altogether not as long as she has been with me or other bf's.

[lostandhurt]

We have given our advice which I think is very sound. The next move is yours. You can only can control what you do and think.

There is one more thing that I must mention to you. Your wifes actions fit the pattern of someone that is cheating or is very close to cheating. You must consider this no matter how hurtful it may be. If she is cheating it doesn't have to be the end of the marriage unless she is unwilling to figure out why she thinks it is okay to treat you and your family this way. If she isn't cheating, which I hope is the case she still needs to figure out why she thinks this is okay. Most people want a happy, loving and commited relationship. Her actions and words say different.

The little jokes about replacing you with a newer model. Not wanting to hear you say I love you. The distance, the being on edge, the lack of empathy towards your feelings make me believe she has another motive other than repairing your marriage.

 

Take some time this weekend to see things as they really are.

 

Lost

[ksh1255]

She doesn't mind me saying I love her, she just could care less to tell me back - and she didn't for weeks until last weekend.

 

I will say on the cheating thing, she can't do it at school, I have a close friend that is also a friend of mine that would let it be known. All her calls, texts, emails, facebook, myspace etc show nothing. However I can not attest to her emotionally cheating, or argue that she may have another motive. That could be true. I am trying to hold out hope when school is done in May, things will be better. But, they have to change before then, I can not deal with it until then. It would just suck to pour all the sacrifice of our whole marriage, alot of time in money into our wedding, her and her son, her school etc...only to feel used at the end. If that is the case, I personally believe in Karma and she will get what she deserves.

 

I did notice that her ex hubby is in town this month after a 6 month tour. It may not be a big deal because he now lives in VA and us in NC, so I am sure in the last 2 yrs since we have been back together, he has come back home before. The first time we split, he was coming from CA to NC, and it had been atleast 1.5 yrs since she seen him. Now he is only 4 hrs away and has been since we got back together.

 

I do appreciate everyones advice, and it is the same advice I would give someone not in my shoes. It's just harder to take the advice when you're the one thats wearing them.

[ksh1255]

After reading my first post, I feel I need to clarify where she said she had this feeling with everyone she had been with an extended period of time, I was referring to the sex dying, not her feeling like she was going to be left. She has always for the most part done all the leaving, with the exception of her ex husband, I think he sent her home. But, she always kept in touch and obviously they would still hookup since I'm sure they did when we split up.

[Ellie2006]

I do not think my wife is cheating, we flat out don't have the time between school and kids. However, emotional cheating is a possibility.

 

well, she's cheating you out of a fulfilling relationship, a stable marriage in which you feel like you have a partner you can rely on through thick and thin.

 

 

I'm just scared to let go. I'm so consumed with worrying about rather she is going to run off and sleep with someone else, her ex specifically because I have let her know in a round about way I know it happened.

 

It's not that I do not understand where you're coming from bc I do. BUT what do you think will actually happen if you "let go"? Will you feel less lonelier than you do now?

 

Sure, it's scary to think about your marriage ending. And sure, that could make anyone hesitant.

 

I dont think any of us are saying that you should just bulldoze through this and end this marriage, right here right now.

 

What I am trying to point out is that 1) you act as though you're cool about your wife's run-in with her ex while you were broken up for a month, prior to your marriage BUT you keep returning to that point, so obviously this bugs you more than you think.

 

So what bugs you more -- the fact that she slept with someone else during your break OR the fact that she slept with him?

 

If the latter, then you have to address this with your wife and take measures to remove him from your lives (maintaining only minimal contact necessary for him to retain his relationship with his child, NOT have his primary motive for contacting be your wife)

 

 

2) My second point is that your whole "woe-is-me-maybe-I'm-not-cut-out-for-marriage" rant is really troubling -- as it sounds like you too are checking out of this, in the worst possible way. Plus, to *me* (sorry if I am way off) that sounds like you're taking a misguided way to resolve your issues.

 

NO, it's NOT that you're not cut out for marriage that this is happening to you. No, you don't have some black cloud hanging over your head that soured your previous relationships in addition to this one.

 

So please try to get it out of your head that you somehow were "predestined" to go from one failed relationship to another.

 

Instead of trying to find ways to set your marriage back on track, it seems like (again my apologies if I'm wrong) you're ... giving up (?)

 

I can see how you're mentally, emotionally, and physically drained by all of this but that's why, imo, it's critical to figure out what you really want.

 

If you want to save this marriage, you have to try and get to the root of the matter and take real measures to resolve these issues.

 

The fact that this is happening canNOT be pinpointed to one thing -- your bad luck. Rather, it probably has to do with your wife's history, how you two relate on a daily basis, stress, and the list goes on.

 

3) Finally, if you are this consumed by the deterioration of your marriage and are eager to salvage your relationship, not only for your sake and your wife's BUT your daughter's as well, I am a bit baffled by why you're so lax about going to counseling, either with your pastor or a licensed expert.

 

You keep saying you guys are busy and have precious little time beyond school and work and taking care of your children. Are you honestly saying that you two are too busy to save your marriage?

 

If your wife's dragging her heels about going to the pastor, shouldn't you confront her about her hesitation to go to someone who can HELP you two?

 

It's like this -- why in the world would a drowning (wo)man NOT catch a life-line someone's throwing him/her? the answer is 1) a drowning person WOULD clutch anything in order to live OR 2) the person does not believe he/she is drowning.

 

If your wife does not believe your marriage is in trouble, you should try to take her blinders off for her, instead of bending over backwards to make her feel better about making you feel crappy.

 

Honestly, when I read that line about your wife blowing up bc you gave her a look that she didnt like, I was floored. So what's next? How many hoops are you going to go to jump through for this woman? And what is your ultimate goal?

 

Do you want her to be a good wife to you

 

OR

 

Do you simply want her to keep her spot as "mother" / "wife" without her actually taking on the responsibilities that comes with those roles?

 

[EDITED TO ADD] If you are willing for her to be a "place-filler" so that you can keep up the semblance of a family for your children, you can't then expect her turn around and be a loving wife. If you WANT a loving wife and a faithful/dependable partner, then you have to get help and turn things around so that you can be healthy partners for one another.

 

Just my two cents.

[ksh1255]

I would love for our marriage to work out. Am I giving up? I am pretty close to it. Everyday I sit there and question the past while we were split up, before us doesn't really bother me, it's the month we were splitup that does. I want to know why she slept with her ex more than anything. I just don't understand that. Obviously, when we had just had a bad breakup, it's not like she was going to call me to come sleep with her, im not naive. But, I mean it was a week after she told me she could care less to see him that I know they all went out. She has told me after our 2nd argument about her abortion, and that she felt totally disrespected by him because he assured her he would use safe measures and didn't. So, she said I felt like he used me as a baby incubator...but yet he comes home and she sleeps with him again. So yes, it bothers me most that she slept with HIM.

 

I would love for her to be a loving wife again, the wife I married. But, she doesn't feel like we were ever where we should have been with the sex, as far as doing it every chance we got. Now when she told me that, I was confused at first, but then I realized she meant since we got married, not when we dated. But, she was pregnant when we got married and she started school the next month. I worked 70-80 hrs a week and was tired alot of times when I got home. Yeah, it took a toll on us but it NEVER made me stop loving my wife, or regretting marrying her. She says we even argued about sex on our honeymoon which should have told us something. Our "argument" on our honeymoon wasn't about not having enough sex, which I have told her.

 

I do not mind counseling, she isn't crazy about the idea, and once she acted like things were better, I felt we were on the right track.

 

I'm out of ideas really, but everyday now like today she was playful this morning, held my hand etc...but she says my mood bothers her - because i just stare off and look like im thinking about something. Damn right I am.

[Ms Darcy]

I remember your post about how attractive she is and how hard it is to let her go because of it. I'm wondering, in general, do you tend to feel more attraction/love to women who are beautiful and emotionally unstable (hot and cold in this case) than someone who is cute and stable?

[ksh1255]

I remember your post about how attractive she is and how hard it is to let her go because of it. I'm wondering, in general, do you tend to feel more attraction/love to women who are beautiful and emotionally unstable (hot and cold in this case) than someone who is cute and stable?

 

Actually everyone but my wife has been a pretty girl, but not what I considered "hot". My wife is beautiful, as for her figure she is just small framed, tall and her best asset obviously is her breasts but they are implants. I mean other than that she is just a skinny girl with a pretty face. Funny too because I have always been a butt guy, but I gotta say her 5k boobs are perfect.

 

I have never cared too much for "hot" chicks because they are usually snooty and full of drama...and my wife said something the first night we went out and her ex hubbie called. Something along the lines of "another night ruined by my drama"...and something like "I wont never get a second date"...guess I shoulda known. I'm still praying for the best though.

[Ms Darcy]

What was your home life like when you were growing up? I'm just wondering.

[ksh1255]

What was your home life like when you were growing up? I'm just wondering.

 

My home life was fine. I was spoiled, but my parents have been together over 40 yrs. Her home life was alot different. She never knew her real father, she was drug place to place by her mother who has been married and divorced 3 times, has 3 kids, 3 different fathers. She has been engaged several times since, and is now single.

 

My wife told me all weekend I have acted weird, boring. It's because I have so much on my mind. She told me yesterday morning to talk to her about it because she could tell something was wrong. She tried to get me to several times, but alot of whats on my mind is about the past. I don't feel like 2 yrs later that should be sitting in my head but it is. It never has been back on my mind until the intimacy stopped, now it's just got me going crazy.

[Ellie2006]

Your wife is pretty abusive, imho. She calls you boring and weird? Of course you're acting in a way that you wouldn't typically act -- she's just informed you that she's ready to pull the plug on the marriage. so what does she expect -- you to act as if everything is the same??

 

to a certain extent, i dont know how helpful it is to point out all these negative things about your wife, even if most of them are true. I dont think it's helpful bc you arent ready to take off your rose-colored glasses. you arent ready to face reality.

 

it almost feels like she's testing you, testing to see how much abuse you can take before you ... blow. so what do you think your final straw will be? what does this woman have to do for you to face facts and take measures to SURVIVE this ordeal?

[ksh1255]

I don't disagree with you on this. I was engaged once before, and it appears that I attract the women who fall head over heels for you so quick, problem is they fall back just as fast. They had alot of differences, but the fact that both were the type that seemed you could not keep them happy no matter what. My ex and I tried a few times to work things out, she just kept coming back and finally I had enough. She is engaged again, and to this day I am told I could have her if I wanted her, but I am married and have been happy until these problems started. Either way, I do not have any feelings whatsoever towards my ex like that, nor do I feel like I am to blame for the breakup. But, I obviously felt like there were things I could have done better.

 

I took alot of things from my first engagement that I thought I did wrong, and I applied them to my current relationship with my wife. So, I bettered myself, thus making the relationship with my wife better. Problem is, it seems we may end up in the same boat for different reasons. My wife and I had a great thing going, but alot of things affected our intimacy towards each other...my long work hrs, her school, she was pregnant now we have a 1 yr old together etc...all these things, which I would not trade my child for anything - but she feels these things created distance because it took away from "me and her" time. My argument was, isn't that the goal of a couple? To get married and build a family together?

 

Things between us aren't bad right now, but there is still no affection from her other than that Sunday a few weeks ago. If I kiss her, she will peck me, she will say she loves me, she will talk about us in the future sense. She says she can't predict the future, but she hopes we make it. When I asked if she wanted us to work she answered "yeah", but to me it sounded questionable.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, I'm sorry. Reading this thread from an outsider's perspective, it seems like this relationship is going nowhere.

 

I asked about your home because you noted getting into these (two) dysfunctional relationships. It would be interesting for you to explore where that comes from in you.

[ksh1255]

Wow, I'm sorry. Reading this thread from an outsider's perspective, it seems like this relationship is going nowhere.

 

I asked about your home because you noted getting into these (two) dysfunctional relationships. It would be interesting for you to explore where that comes from in you.

 

I'm not really sure how I end up with these girls. It's actually only been the two girls I was engaged to and/or married. The rest of my relationships were never like this.

 

I can say this, after 3 months of no intimacy, the mind starts to wonder. So, I looked at a few of her texts. They were to the same guy, who when we first got together I thought was her coolest friend. Then, once we split he called me talking bad about her - then tried to get with her.

 

He took her out on her bday, and she told me that she had a couple talks with him about things not being that way between them, and it kind of weirded her out when he tried to make a move. She said she acted like she was tired and decided to go to bed...I can't remember if he left or if she offered to let him stay on the couch, because its a long drive between homes and they were good friends.

 

Thing is, when we got back together she accepted the fact that along with her feeling weird towards him, that I also didn't care much for him. I didn't say they couldnt be friends, I didn't mind the occasional text every month or two things like that, but they will talk by text like once a week, maybe twice...its sporadic. So, I checked his and in all honesty - he seems to be trying to offer decent advice, even tho I know he would love us not to be together. He tells her its probably just stress, he asks how she has been, he offered a book that he thought would be helpful.

 

Anyway I've only checked her phone two times the whole time we have been together, and its been here recently. She told him a few days ago "Things are ok between him and I, it's a work in progress, hopefully we will be back to the way we used to be"....so in her mind I am really not sure she wants to call it quits. It's one thing to tell me, but its another to confide in a good friend and sound like you want to make it work.

[Ms Darcy]

I can say this, after 3 months of no intimacy, the mind starts to wonder. So, I looked at a few of her texts. They were to the same guy, who when we first got together I thought was her coolest friend. Then, once we split he called me talking bad about her - then tried to get with her.

 

Anyway I've only checked her phone two times the whole time we have been together, and its been here recently. She told him a few days ago "Things are ok between him and I, it's a work in progress, hopefully we will be back to the way we used to be"....so in her mind I am really not sure she wants to call it quits. It's one thing to tell me, but its another to confide in a good friend and sound like you want to make it work.

 

I really think you should read the book Uncoupling and you might be able to see why I said I thought this relationship isn't going anywhere.

[ksh1255]

I really think you should read the book Uncoupling and you might be able to see why I said I thought this relationship isn't going anywhere.

 

The relationship is at a stand still I agree. Last time it took a month splitup and we were so happy again, but the thing is, it shouldn't take that.

 

Are you referring to the fact that I am beginning to question trust perhaps?

[Ms Darcy]

The relationship is at a stand still I agree. Last time it took a month splitup and we were so happy again, but the thing is, it shouldn't take that.

 

Are you referring to the fact that I am beginning to question trust perhaps?

 

No, I'm referring to a pattern in your relationship that suggests that it's heading towards the end. Read the book and I think you'll see what I'm getting at.

[Ms Darcy]

She starts naming things like "well you used to do this this and that for me" EVERYTHING she has addressed I have fixed, everything. She will tell you right now I am the person she wishes I was the whole time.

 

This is one example in the book ... where they tell you what you did wrong and you fix it and it's still not enough. It's not enough because they've checked out. Anywho, check out the book. I think you'll find it enlightening to you situation.