Wife doesn't want me anymore

[ksh1255]

Thursday is her birthday. She is making plans with a buddy of ours. Well he is now, but I know he has always had an obsession with her, they dated like 2 months years ago and he hasn't let it go. He did tell me one night that he used to care for her in that way, but he wanted me to know we are all cool and its not like that anymore. And, he helped us move when we needed help, he has been cool, but im not a fool either.

 

So, I guess it's been this long I can suck it up and see where this weekend takes us atleast.

[ksh1255]

Also, please understand I am trying to hold on to this so tightly because I do love her and we are married with a family. It makes it alot harder.

 

To hear her talk atleast she seems to plan to stick around. We cleaned the whole house this weekend, she has named things we need to get for the place, things for the kids etc..I'm not saying she hasn't checked out, but she is holding on for some reason with some part of her.

 

She doesn't like me to point out she has no job, drives my car, and really no place to live until school is out. But, she could go stay with family, but she isn't going to convince me that she could have got thru school without me supporting her and my stepson. I've done a damn fine job doing that. As well as providing anything she has wanted or needed.

[Ms Darcy]

K, I know this is a woman you love and are married to. That's why I think you need to read the book. It's a hard process.

[ksh1255]

I just wanted to follow up on this and let everyone know where we stand these days. Things between my wife and I had seemed to be almost back to normal. The only thing was there was still not alot of intimacy, but some was better than none like we had for 3 months straight. I felt like things were finally on the right track. Then a few weekends ago, we had the best day together you could imagine on the beach, followed by the most disastrous night. Long story short, my wife got really drunk and acted like an idiot. The next morning, I was tired of holding my tongue, I let loose. I let her know that I have never been disrespected like that, and I would not be. She could either live like that or she could be married. She admitted total fault, apologized, said it would never happen again etc. Well things seemed fine the next few days, she suggested being intimate one night because it had been discussed over the last few days. Well, it went from planning to be intimate, to her going back to she doesn't have those feelings for me, she feels like that part is missing and it shouldnt be. This all triggered her wanting to leave, not being happy all over again.

 

So, we are doing the only thing I know left to do. We have researched where alot of women, I mean alot of women, lost all desires for their husbands, sex and everything completely after being on the Mirena IUD for awhile. I told her months ago that was what was probably causing the intimacy issues, which in return is making her think she doesn't need to be with me - because she does not have that feeling. So, we had it removed last Thursday, doc says it could take 3-4 months before the hormones leave her body. My wife already has extreme sensitivity to the hormone found in this IUD, so its a chance. We had a decent weekend, then come Monday she sounded like she would rather pull teeth than talk to me.

 

I am truly at my wits end with all of this. If this doesn't work then I guess nothing will. It's funny how you go from telling someone you want to be with them, and that you love them, to 3 days later feeling like you want out. I mean we had reached a point where she stopped taking a medication (celexa) because it caused her sexual side effects and she did not want that. This was a big step from the woman who didn't care to sleep with me at all. Now, she just says it's good when we do have sex, but she just doesn't have that desire towards me, she says we have sex very rarely. Truth be told, its usually when she has had a few drinks that we do. Rather it be a few swallows of something, ror a night out - its involved some kind of drink everytime but once.

 

I went back and re-read all the advice I was given in this thread, and I want to thank each and everyone of you for your input. Reading it made me feel so much better, knowing that this is not me, nor can I control it. I have sat back, got my wife thru school, she just graduated. I have watched her blow every penny I make, my credit is horrible, everything...and I just sit back and say nothing hoping things will return. Like I said, if this last thing doesn't work - I guess it was a really expensive lesson learned.

[ksh1255]

Also, not too sure if I ever mentioned this. But, we got engaged quick (3 months)...2 months later we splitup for a month and a half, then got back together and she decided she wanted us to get married, so we did 4 months later.

 

I have always been hesitant about marriage, because not alot of them last and obviously I believe strongly in the commitment...however I guess when I came out of my previous engagement, she was nothing like my ex and was everything I felt like i was missing. I guess I should have known it was the "honeymoon" period. Now that things have settled, she wants to leave, conveniently now she is done with her RN degree...and I am still very much in love with her and my family. It's hard.

[Iakasot]

She said the "want" isn't there anymore. That's her attraction, it's not there anymore. I suggest you read David DeAngelo's "Attraction is Not a Choice". It could save your marriage.

[ksh1255]

She said the "want" isn't there anymore. That's her attraction, it's not there anymore. I suggest you read David DeAngelo's "Attraction is Not a Choice". It could save your marriage.

 

I believe in 2 weeks time she has already found her "want" for someone else. Rather it be the guy she was with while on vacation the day after we split, or possibly her ex boyfriend that I became friends with. She always said he sucked in bed, but then again she always said I was the best, and still tried to take childish personal shots when leaving this time and last time. So, I dont know that there is any saving. She has been moved out a week.

[lostandhurt]

ksh,

You need to do a complete 180 here and let her go. Total NC and start looking after yourself. There are tons of issues here and she is unwilling to work on them. The way you describe it she is all over the place and that is a very dangerous way to live.

 

Step back from this nightmare you have been living and get back to who you used to be before you met her. Get back to the basics, live light and simple. Eat right and take care of yourself. The only thing you can control is you so leave her to her chosen life as you begin to rebuild yours.

 

Time to get the money thing seperated as well. The business of divorce needs to be treated as that, a business.

 

Take care of yourself and keep busy.

 

Lost

[ksh1255]

ksh,

You need to do a complete 180 here and let her go. Total NC and start looking after yourself. There are tons of issues here and she is unwilling to work on them. The way you describe it she is all over the place and that is a very dangerous way to live.

 

Step back from this nightmare you have been living and get back to who you used to be before you met her. Get back to the basics, live light and simple. Eat right and take care of yourself. The only thing you can control is you so leave her to her chosen life as you begin to rebuild yours.

 

Time to get the money thing seperated as well. The business of divorce needs to be treated as that, a business.

 

Take care of yourself and keep busy.

 

Lost

 

Thank you Lost. I know you have been following this from the beginning and have given me really sound advice. Honestly, I dont care who she ends up with other than the ex I befriended that came to our wedding and everything. Then, I would feel that all the bad I heard between the alcohol and the inadequacy in bed, was all just a ploy. Although she did have a restraining order on him when they split originally. I don't want to feel like I did all the suffering to support my family, and in the end, she just runs back to this kid, literally - and he gets all the benefit. Of course, they had their own issues before me it sounds like, so I wouldn't expect it to last long.

[Hell_On_Heels]

From the sound of it, whoever she goes to next won't last long. The woman has some serious problems, and she needs to deal with those or she'll never be happy.

 

That is not your problem, though. Lost is right when he says you have to focus on you.

 

My breakup is pretty recent, so I don't have the wisdom that the others here have. My ex asked for a divorce in mid-April. I did everything I could to stop it and change his mind. This pushed him farther away, made him more determined to be free of me.

 

I didn't go NC. And I regret it. Mightily. I doubt it would've saved our marriage, but it sure would've spared me a LOT of pain. Every time I hear from him, it's just another wound - and the last one was HUGE. Hauntingly cruel and vicious. The kind of stuff that will stay with you for a long long time. It wasn't worth it - and every thing I did seemed to be the wrong thing. I know now that it didn't matter what I did, he was still going to make me the bad guy, the evil person.

 

Please stay in NC, take care of you and your kids.

[benga]

Hey... you need to take care of yourself at this stage. There is nothing that you can do that will change her way of thinking at this stage. She has some of her own issues that she must deal with herself and from the look of it, she needs help. If you stay close to her, you will find yourself headed in the same direction. For the sake of your own mental peace & sanity, follow the advice that you have received.

 

Avoid contact with her. Take care of yourself. You need to get mentally healthy and to get there, you need to care for yourself. Go to the gym and release some adrenalin and endorphin. Get some new clothes for yourself and/or do anything that makes you feel good. Hang out with friends and get a life. Check out the website link removed and gain some perspectives from there. Allow yourself time time time time... you will be better over the months, and that is a promise. Be patient with yourself, and allow your feelings and emotions to get process. Cry if you want, vent if you want, yell if you want, write here if you want, but bring out your emotions. Its is like releasing pent up steam and you will really feel good about it...

 

We have been around for a while and understand what you are going through. Your best bet at this stage is to no into no contact, take care of yourself, work on your self esteem and be patient.....

 

Hang in there buddy....

[ksh1255]

Thanks. I have been NC, except for when it involves our child. I spoke to her briefly, in which she was saying she wish we didn't need lawyers, and was asking how I have been etc. She was the one who pushed a lawyer so hard at the start, not me.

 

But, it turned into how she knows I think she is selfish, and she knows she hurt me, but she can't make herself fall in love yadda yadda. Anyway, it ended bad with a discussion of her lingerie that I trashed.

 

So, I have to talk to her atleast about our child together.

[Raoul]

Thanks. I have been NC, except for when it involves our child. I spoke to her briefly, in which she was saying she wish we didn't need lawyers, and was asking how I have been etc. She was the one who pushed a lawyer so hard at the start, not me.

 

But, it turned into how she knows I think she is selfish, and she knows she hurt me, but she can't make herself fall in love yadda yadda. Anyway, it ended bad with a discussion of her lingerie that I trashed.

 

So, I have to talk to her at least about our child together.

 

Back in March, Lost told you "This is her controlling how you feel whether she knows it or not. Do not allow her to control you. Do the things that you need to do to be a good man and husband with no expectations of how she will react. Anything else will not be real and not sustainable by you."

 

You are handling the 180/NC well and should continue that. With children, you cannot have total NC. If you continue as you have, talking only about children, that's about as close as you can get. She needs to know that you will not be there for her as she does this stuff. You are not a set of training wheels or crutches. If she wants to behave this way, it must have consequences for her.

 

As to Lost's advice, focus on you and your child. Be the man you need to be and want to be for yourself and kid. You've lost yourself in her and need to recover who you are. The guy she married disappeared into this man that caters to her and gauges his every move on her. This cannot work. It will only feed her narcissism or whatever it is she's doing.

 

You can still care for her and even love her. What you cannot do is become her shadow for she will not respect that.

 

My Dad once told me that men need to answer two questions and in this order:

- Where am I going?

- Who will go with me"

 

This may sound vaguely sexist. Its probably good acvice for everyone. But for your sake and the sake of those in your life, especially children, you need to do this.

 

What you want is important. This thread shows that you have sound values and have proved that you are a good man, husband and father. Its time now to not tolerate all the bad behavior you're on the receiving end of. If she needs to do this stuff, she needs to do it on her own and deal with the consequences on her own.

 

This extends to the divorce. No one wishes for lawyers in their life. But you need one and one that will get the best on offer in your jurisdiction. This isn't to 'get even' (whatever that is). Its so you can be the man and father you need to be.

 

You can do this,

Raoul

[ksh1255]

She just has her way of sucking me in. Last night she text and said she just didn't want to look back at the years and feel like she wasted them being unhappy. How can she be unhappy, or think of time with me wasted?? After everything I did for her. Nor did I ever get an apology for what happened.

 

I really don't buy into too much after we got back together now. Like her and her mom stopped talking for a few months because her mother didn't approve. As far as I know they didn't speak for a few months until we started planning a wedding. She told me things she could have easily hid from me, I mean at one point she was honest. Of course, I guess that was part of playing the role.

 

I knew better than to get married, but we had so many sparks between us it was hard to say no. I mean what man doesn't want a beautiful wife and children? Had we dated for several years, then married and she left right after school it would be one thing. But, when you date 5 months, split up so she can run around with her ex husband, hang with her ex boyfriend, then get back together with me, and 4 months later get married - I feel like I was just used.

[Raoul]

So, its time to let all that go, isn't it? I was married for 24 years before my wife started up with her mid-life crisis BS. She too re-wrote our entire marriage into something ugly that she never liked. That's all BS.

 

Our spouses do this because its necessary for them in order to see themselves a certain way. If you buy into that, you're allowing her to control you. You are not the problem here.

 

Take your truths from what you've been through. Take the essence of you are and the lessons learned from your experience and go towards the life you want based upon your values, standards and expectations.

 

I regret what happened. But it happened. It has real consequences and right now. Its part of me. But I struggle to not have it define me. I have stuff to do. I have children to raise and things to do for myself.

 

You can't forget the past or your mistakes however large. You can learn from them.

 

Raoul

[ksh1255]

Thanks Raoul,

 

It's habit you know. 24 years, wow - my story doesn't hold a candle to yours, i'm sorry about that. I guess mine hurts because not only with what I lost, but I feel like a joke ya know? I have no idea what was real and what wasn't. Truth be told, her ex hubby that I spoke of in March, if he was around here and not in another state, she would have probably went to him. Not sure why, their marriage was 2 months long, and they had tried several times to make it work, just didn't. But, I know now that he wouldn't have been able to provide the love and support I did for her and her son while she was in school.

 

I guess my conscience is clean, I don't ever associate with that crowd, I only did because of her. So, I have no idea about what's happening and I don't care to know. I just know that when you do something wrong, it always comes back to you. She may never admit she screwed up, but somewhere down the line, she will know it. I rest easy knowing that.

[Raoul]

I feel like a joke ya know? I have no idea what was real and what wasn't.

 

KSH,

 

It would be hard not to feel this way. I know that I do. But you just end up bitter holding onto stuff like this. Its only a joke if you don't get it, learn the lesson and move on.

 

I am a long way from being clear of her and this disaster. But making and maintaining as clean a break as I could manage with 3 children, a messy divorce and impending permanent alimony is still the best way I can get through this.

 

Raoul

[ksh1255]

KSH,

 

It would be hard not to feel this way. I know that I do. But you just end up bitter holding onto stuff like this. Its only a joke if you don't get it, learn the lesson and move on.

 

I am a long way from being clear of her and this disaster. But making and maintaining as clean a break as I could manage with 3 children, a messy divorce and impending permanent alimony is still the best way I can get through this.

 

Raoul

 

Is it bad to want to be bitter? I mean we keep very little contact now. I am even avoiding a place I think she will be tonight. I don't like the idea that she would either take my child where she would be tonight, or pawn her off on her mother like I know she is doing every weekend to go out. I just won't her to know that what she did to me is NOT ok, and there are consequences.

[Raoul]

Is it bad to want to be bitter? I mean we keep very little contact now. I am even avoiding a place I think she will be tonight. I don't like the idea that she would either take my child where she would be tonight, or pawn her off on her mother like I know she is doing every weekend to go out. I just won't her to know that what she did to me is NOT ok, and there are consequences.

 

You're asking the right question about wanting to be bitter. But also ask what you get out of that. I am bitter but that is fading as I go.

 

A big reason for that is that I stay as close to no contact (NC) as I can given that we have 3 children. So its good that you avoid places she might be and otherwise keep contact to minimum.

 

As for how she handles your child. Learn a trick that my wife pulled after she abandoned our home with us in it. Once she lawyered up, she was able to get an order that said that unless the kids were with me, that they would be with her. I could not 'pawn them off' on anyone without her prior authorization. Maybe that's a NJ quirk. But maybe its worth a try for you.

 

Raoul

[ksh1255]

Thats one of the reasons I am getting a lawyer. Since her son was 4 when we moved in together, and I was the 4th guy she lived with, I told her back in February that she would not live with another man unless she was married. I plan to put that in place. Not to be an ass, but to let my daughter grow up knowing its not right to jump man to man house to house. It's no life for them.

[Raoul]

You're not being an ass. A big reason I wouldn't tolerate her infidelity was because I want my children to have values which I believe to learned more by example than by talking.

 

One good parent being a good example is better than two faking it. Few have the guts to live their values straight up and without apology. Its old fashioned I guess. But I'll let my hipper acquanitances have a world of relativism. I'm okay with being a little out of step.

 

You're on the right path for you and your child.

 

Raoul

[John Bendix]

Please take the advice from Raoul and consider it carefully. He knows of what he speaks.

 

It is true that the Walkaways re-write history for their own dysfunctional egos.

So what? The truth is the truth and that is all that it is. When someone has to twist or re-write the events that have happened in their lives for their own self interest (and in some cases, their perceived emotional/mental survival), rational conversation and interaction is near impossible.

 

It has been said that phoney people tend to hangout together. They cannot see through each other. They are far too self involved to have the ability to see through someone else's non-sensical notions. They fit well together by their mutual dysfunction.

 

When someone calls them on their irrational behavior, they tend to migrate away from that person physically as well as emotionally. One reason there are Walkaways. They sense they they cannot fool those who are not ingenuine.

 

I felt it was ironic (maybe an egoic notion) that I believed that, with sincere counseling, I was the only one that could get my X to see the light and the distress she was experiencing. She maybe even sensed that and refused to discuss or even sit down and speak with me, even years after the seperation. I think she found the idea threatening that maybe I could be right and her wall would thrown down.

[ksh1255]

Well this weekend was supposed to be our 2 year anniversary weekend, so I know its going to suck. I just feel like instead of spending it together, she will be spending it with someone else. I have my ideas on who it is, but nothing has been made official. It's like the knife is dug deeper and deeper in me, for no reason at all.

[John Bendix]

Poppa,

 

Very interesting insight through personal experience.

 

It has long been postulated that many of us here have been dealing with a definable medical condition. BPD seems to fit the bill with some of the behavior that Walkaways demonstrate.

 

The problem with any emotional disorder is denial. The distressed person's best bet and starting point to emotional stability is to admit that there might be a problem. As with any disease, treatment can only be given when the person admits to the possibility of having it. The line most often heard, usually with either a contrived smile or with hostility is, "There is nothing wrong with me".

 

My X demonstrates definate traits associated with one kind of depressive illness or another, or as I have thought, BPD. Most people have emotional traits that are maladaptive but when it reaches a certain level of dysfunction, there can a medical label put on it because of the similarity in their actions, thought processes, and reactions that they share.

[ksh1255]

Thanks Poppa. Alot of what you are telling me makes alot of sense, maybe i should elaborate a little on some things

 

1. It was actually just the last 6 months that I struggled to get back what we had. There was no arguments or problems that triggered her unhappiness. Which, at first she seemed to take the blame for, then as time went on eventually turned it on me. I say her way of justifying why she feels the way she felt. In the end, she had no reason, she would even say "maybe its me, maybe i'll never be happy" or "maybe i dont like certainty" or "it may not be logical, but its how I feel"

 

2. It's been almost 3 weeks since it ended, and she has not made an effort to come back, matter of fact she seems to be moving on. I think she has found her a place, tho she can not move in for another few weeks. I will say that she does seem to make up reasons to contact me. But, not a lot.

 

3.Her Dr. prescribed her medicine for being bi-polar, but she said that was stupid and refused to believe it. So she did not take it. At the time, we seemed to be perfect, so I did not push it.

 

All signs pointed to there was no way we should have got married so quick, if at all for that matter. We were together 3 months before we got engaged, highly rushed...and when someone breaks off her engagement because she contacted her still legal husband at the time, and is running around with him, hanging with her ex boyfriend too etc...I should have never looked back. But, I loved her, I believed her that nothing happened between her ex hubby and her, and I watched her choose me over him when he wanted her back. Of course, I feel now it was all because she KNEW I had it in me to put her thru school and provide a loving and caring home for her and her son. I do not feel it was because she seen anything different in me, or because she "loved me" and still had those feelings for me. If she did, why run off and sleep around with your ex husband? I watched her tell me alot of similiar stuff about how she didn't have those feelings towards me etc when we broke up the first time. She wanted to take her cheap shots at me, telling me I was pathetic, something about my hair line receding, saying i was sexy but i was a ruthless * * * * * * * etc...and then come back to me? Now I admit I did say some really low dirty stuff the first time around when I heard about them two.

 

During our 6 months of turmoil which drove me to become a member here, I watched her tell me how she didnt love me, had no desire for me, no attraction etc...that I was doing what any husband should do, work while she went to school. She said I was nothing but a caretaker etc. During the first 3 months there was no intimacy at all, matter of fact she slept in separate rooms for a few weeks of those, up until counseling. But, she still would say the same thing, she was miserable, didn't love me anymore etc. I watched her tell me one day, that she was trying to "fake it till you make it"...and that she wasn't any closer to climbing in that bed and having sex with me than she had been for the last month....and the VERY NEXT NIGHT, practically tear out of her clothes to have sex with me.

 

Our intimacy never really found its way back, but when it did happen, it was only when she wanted to - and for the rest of the night she would be all about me, love me etc...but the next day it's as if nothing happened. Like a bootycall and not a marriage.

 

Poppa, I can not say for sure she has no abandonment issues, as I know she has daddy issues. She only met her real dad once, he abandoned her. Her adopted dad used to beat her mother, and she was scared to go stay with him. He is no longer like that as far as I know. But, there were a few times, one being on our honeymoon when we got into a spiff, which started over lingerie...but she ends up crying because she asked me if i felt I should have married her, to which I replied "I don't know"...I know, very bad thing to say especially on the honeymoon. So she starts crying about raising our child alone etc (she was pregnant)...and I assured her, that I didn't mean that, and I NEVER said anything like that again. But now, she walks out and chooses to raise our daughter by herself. Also, she cried another time when she didnt want to have sex and said she was afraid I would leave her if she didn't fix what was wrong. Of course I comforted her, told her I would never leave her over that.

 

In the end, I catch her talking on Facebook to a guy who went thru school with her. Apparently 8 or 9 yrs ago they had a few hookups, and they were getting very deep and graphic recalling the details, saying it was pretty amazing etc, and then took the conversation to text messages. That was all I could take. This same guy I had heard rumors it happened between them, and she made me feel like an idiot for even thinking that, she blamed me and my family for not asking her about it, but accusing her of it which they didn't. She said she was going to talk to that guy about it etc, and apparently they did because they BOTH told me the same story. So, guess they took enough time to atleast make up a lie about it.

 

Well, the next night after I catch that talk, she is out at bars in Miami, has pictures up of her and some dude, he is texting her after 5:30 a.m. etc...and now days is hanging with a crowd that has 2 of her ex boyfriends in it.

 

In the end, I know I did the best I could do, but she obviously has alot of problems. It just really sucks that the intimacy went from one of our biggest things, I mean it truly was what I think made us so attracted to each other, the chemistry there, and it ends up being our problem the last 6 months we were supposed to be trying to fix. But, instead she resorts to a conversation like that with someone from the past, doing God knows whatever in Miami while she was obviously drunk, and is now running around with her ex's....just something I never seen coming.