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Wife doesn't want me anymore


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My wife and I have been married almost 2 years. Throughout our marriage we have had busy lives, she started nursing school a month after getting married and is still in it. I worked several long hr (70-100 hr a week) jobs driving. Around October she gets upset one night after not wanting to sleep with me. She tells me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and she is afraid I am going to leave. She lets me know that this feeling has happened with everyone she has been with an extended period of time. I comfort her, assure her im not leaving and things seem ok. In November she tells me that we are not as happy as we once were, she blames it on stress after we talk about. A few weeks later we are intimate and she is just not into it. Our whole sex life has been great other than we are so busy we always had to plan it. I know it takes away from the spice and all,but once we got started there was always chemistry. In December her and my daughter were in an accident, and since then things have gone downhill. She starts naming things like "well you used to do this this and that for me" EVERYTHING she has addressed I have fixed, everything. She will tell you right now I am the person she wishes I was the whole time. But since December we have had a few fights, bad things were said etc etc. Only because I changed all she has ever asked, and she seemed to slip further and further away. Now we are to the point where she is there for the kids. We have 3 together, 2 full time. But she has no want for me whatsoever. I just picked up the book called The Love Dare. I am out of ideas, and I just need help. I was always a good husband to her, sure I had flaws who doesn't. But, I have supported this family, giving her the opportunity to go thru nursing school, so in the end it would benefit us as a family. Now, she just wants out and it sucks.

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Obviously people have left her before and she thinks you are going to leave too.


I don't know if there is anything else that has happened, but I do know that I've dated people who had this fear that i was going to leave them too, but the ones who have this fear are often the ones who end up leaving.


I find this article on 'fear of abandonment' helpful,


link removed


But, maybe there are other things you aren't telling us.


What exactly happened in this accident? Do you think that has anything to do with it?

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Her past isn't really the best, but being the person I am I chose to look past it. She is 25, and has been known to be really happy with someone, and then suddenly just lose interest from what I've been told. Truth be told, she got pregnant at one point, ended up moving from NC to CA to be with the guy, married him from what she says because she felt pushed by her mother and him. She ended up miscarrying, and then she went thru depression. Long story short her marriage was all of two months long.


However, after we got engaged, we ended up having some problems. She left me for a month, and since then things have been great after getting back together. I will say that I know she hung out with this ex husband while we were apart, and im about 100% sure she was intimate with him even tho she told me she wasn't. I never pressed the issue, nor has this guy been the issue in this marriage. He wasn't the first time, he just happened to be the first person she contacts the day we split up. Up until then the only time they had spoke was about divorce. Since us getting back together, the only time he sent anything to her was congratulating her on our new babygirl when she was born. I never asked if she replied to him, but months later she told me that she never said anything back because she didnt want to do anything that may upset me.


It's not that she isn't open and genuine and faithful when she is with someone, its how she goes from being allllll about me, to absolutely nothing. She flat told me that if I tried to make her stay, she was going to end up resenting me for it. We have spoke one time to the pastor for some counseling, and I felt like the next few days were better, but she says she feels no different. She had recently started going to church and taking it seriously, but she seems to have a problem with the fact that I chose to speak with a pastor. She doesnt feel our faith is where it needs to be to be basing our whole marriage off of the bible...this is horrible

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Welcome to ENA.


This isn't you, but her and was bound to happen sooner or later from what you have described. This type of person isn't happy so they seek happiness from others until it wears off. Kind of like the guy that has to have the newest thing, car or gadget. As soon as it gets a few years on it he looses interest and starts looking for the next happiness fix.

You cannot fix this. She has a great many issues that if accepted can be worked out but until she accepts that she has problems there is no chance at all.

You should continue seeing your pastor for your own well being as this will not be easy on you or your children. Don't be surprised if you are replaced with the newer model pretty fast.



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Thanks Lost,


Its a hard thing to swallow, and if it wasn't for my daughter I would probably be more ok with it. The more I look at things now, I feel really dumb agreeing to marry so quickly after getting back together. Especially now where she has indirectly let me know she did sleep with someone the month we split. I can guarantee you it was her ex husband.


As for being replaced quickly, it's going to be hard for her to do right now being in nursing school I feel. That along with her current status, not to say anything bad about her but, 2 failed marriages now at 25 (if we fail), 2 children by 2 fathers (best friends btw)...it's going to be hard to find a good guy that will actually try to make a relationship work with her. Now I will say she is gorgeous, so she will have no problems getting guys into her. I just feel it takes a special kind of guy to be in a relationship where they are helping raise 2 other guys children - which is ultimately what happens as the children are usually with the mother the majority of the time. I can't stand the idea of another guy having anything to do with raising my child, it makes me sick to my stomach.


She will admit she is a habitual commitment freak, so I don't anticipate her being single for too long before she tries. I just dont understand it, she has had such bad luck with her relationships, and I have been great to her, and this is what I get. I just keep waiting for her to have an "eye opener"....nothing I say has worked.

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You will NEVER be able to snap her out of it. Accept this as fact because it is.


It wouldn't have mattered if you were the best looking, best father, best wage earner, best lover and best friend in the world she would have still done what she did. It isn't about you, it is about her and you can't control how or what she thinks.


As far as her finding some new guy she will because she will not be able to survive long without feeding off someone else. There are plenty of losers out there that will promise the world just to bed her and then break every promise. Be prepared when this happens because she will rubber band right back to you just like she did with her ex when you two broke up.


Write down the facts of what you know and what she has told you. Read them in the morning when you wake up and at lunch and before bed. This is reality and you must learn to accept what you do not want to accept. It is real, like it or not.



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That ex of hers has been around so long that her first child which is fixing to be 7, it was questionable on rather her ex was the father or not. They have dated several times. She even went from not dating him, to getting pregnant by him, to moving to CA and marrying him, having a miscarriage, got pregnant again, and from what I hear - he caught her talking dirty to an ex and he sent her home. This all happened in probably 3 months...start to finish. She hadnt seen him in a year and a half when her and I split. As a matter of fact he was dating someone long distance, I think she was from here - and he broke it off with her about the same time she broke it off with me. Like I said im certain they hooked up, but what I dont understand is why she came back to me. When we decided to make it work, his friends were calling trying to get her to talk about her ex, her ex was texting one night saying things like "I havent had half the chances he has etc..". I didnt read it, she told me what it said, but she said let me handle it so I did. She decided a few weeks into dating she wanted her ring back, she filed for her divorce from her ex and the rest is history.


I do not know if she will run back to him again, and I dont know why I should even care - but I guess its a slap to the self esteem.

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You have been thinking only of her through this whole thing and now it is time to think of yourself and how you will get through this so you can be the best father you can be.

Divorce is terrible on children there is no doubt but with at least one stable, clear minded parent the scars of divorce will fade in time and your daughter will be a wonderful and well adjusted young woman. You certainly do not want her to model her life on your wife's.


If you do nothing else start thinking about what you need to do for your daughter. This will give you purpose. Healing takes time and even though your self esteem has taken a couple of shots you must consider the source and the pattern as you try and see this as it really is right now. Small steps in the right direction will lead you towards the start of healing.



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Just an update. Something I said to her Sunday made her break down, and for the first time she openly said she forgave me for whatever I said that hurt her, and that she would try to open back up to me and trust me. It's not that I feel I did something worth divorce, there is no way - who doesnt have 3 fights in a marriage? But, to her it was devastating. So, we talked about things she didnt want to hear about anymore, and things she would like out of me, and I assured her. I do not feel our problems are even remotely close to what they should be for a divorce, but Lost she did finally say "Maybe it's just me, maybe I'll never be happy". This came after me asking her what it was going to take to see she had a good thing going for her?


I have supported her and 3 kids while she persued her career. I love her to no end, I love my kids to no end. I'm not abusive, I have no drug addictions, I do not control, not really jealous. I allow her to be her. If I can't please her I don't know who can, but I pray to God it continues to get better. I am not going to quit, because I made the commitment - and if for some reason it doesn't work. I am going to have a clean slate and be able to tell my daughter later in life that I gave it everything I had.


Sunday was the best day we had in months, and Monday was fine too, but now her mother and brother have moved in temporarily for the 3rd time, and I sure hope that her mothers relationship problems do not rub off on us. We never had problems until her mother started having them. Now my wife has talked about things with her mom, but she told me from the beginning she doesn't take relationship advice from her because she convinced her to go into her first marriage, and ridiculed her for coming home. Thats all my wife has ever seen. She doesnt know her father, her mothers been married and divorced 3 times, engaged I dont know how many, and my wife has always been drug from man to man with her mother. I think it has alot to do with things.

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Be careful of her words. VERY CAREFUL! I heard and saw what you have and I took it as an honest. real and meaningful when she said it. In the end they are just words. I am curious what these "things she doesn't want to hear anymore" are. From what I am reading she is adding even more to your work load of keeping her happy. Where will it end? You will kill yourself trying to MAKE her happy.

Her mother has probably affected her more than she can imagine and now her life is turning out just like her mothers except she married you. You are willing to fight and try as hard as possible to keep your family together. There is no way you will be able to make her happy for any lenght of time before this happens again.

Do this one thing. Ask your wife what she is going to do to try and make your marriage better, stronger, more trusting, happy and loving. In my opinion she thinks it isn't her but you that needs to do all the work. She couldn't be more wrong. It takes both to build a strong marriage working equally on the issues that have weakend it. There is no doubt that you can and should improve yourself but she has a much longer road ahead of her than you do.

Actions speak loader than words......



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She has always said she doesn't want to end up like her mother, but it's all she really knows. By things she doesn't want to hear anymore - she doesn't like when I bring up the fact of everything I have put money into. Rather it be me working 100 hr weeks to support the family if I had to, or the things I have bought her to show I love her and care for her etc. She says its like I'm trying to hold it over her head when in reality it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with me trying to let her know I do everything I can to make her happy, and to support my family. She says it's a "husband" thing to do and that I shouldn't feel like I need her to show appreciation for it.


You have to understand when she applied for school, we were seperated. When we got back together she got accepted, and stopped working. I took on the responsibility of working however much it took to keep this family supported. Now that she is just a few months shy of finished (May), its like her foot is out the door. I'm just trying to do anything I can to make this work. I miss the way we were before school, and our youngest baby, and I am just trying to turn her back into the person she was over me so to speak, and I know thats impossible, she has to want to be happy with me.

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You will get a lot of psycho-analytical responses, but my bet is the obvious, there is someone else. She has moved on and is preparing to move further on. Don't let her lay a big guilt trip on you. Prepare to defend yourself.

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You will get a lot of psycho-analytical responses, but my bet is the obvious, there is someone else. She has moved on and is preparing to move further on. Don't let her lay a big guilt trip on you. Prepare to defend yourself.


If there is someone else, I would love to know when she finds the time. She has nursing school and children. I can't say there isnt anyone on her mind, but I can tell you everything is clean, texts,calls, emails, facebook etc. We dont hide any information there.


Things have been better, Sunday she actually showed a little affection, and told me she thought things were better between us. She said we're getting there, slowly but surely. Then yesterday she seemed a little distant again, and got upset when I mentioned it. All in all tho things seem to be looking up for once. I pray it stays that way.

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This is her controling how you feel whether she knows it or not. Do not allow her to control you. Do the things that you need to do to be a good man and husband with no expectations of how she will react. Anything else will not be real and not sustainable by you.

Have you asked her what she is doing to make the marriage better, happier and healthy? What are you doing? She will certainly ask if you ask her. If you are just hoping this will blow over and everything will get back to the way it was you are wrong. The way it was wasn't okay. The way it was got you to this place. Learning an growing is the key for you marriage or any relationship. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions, just make sure you are ready to have some asked of you.



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Do you mean she is controlling how I feel by me worrying about her being affectionate one day and not the next? If so she got a lil upset about the fact I told her last night she was distant. She said some days she just wants to have her time and some peace. I understand that believe me, it was just weird to have one day where she was affectionate for the first time since probably January, then the very next day act as if she could care less to hug me. It sucks but I am trying to stay positive.


Lost, as for what I am doing to make our marriage better, is I have taken alot of initiative. I come home, I feed the baby, I help get the kids bathed and in bed. I am handling stuff I should such as servicing the car, taxes, etc without her asking me. I set plans this weekend for us to take the kids to the park. I am also trying to not let things get to me, but going from being someones best lover so to speak, to no intimacy in 3 months it gets tough. As for what she is doing to help, other than telling me she will open up and give me a chance to show we belong together, i'm not sure. She says that it was hard to trust that I dont think bad about her, and she doesnt know if she can trust me again. But, she said she forgives me and she will open up and let me in....so hopefully she does that. I know everything happening isnt my fault, and when the problems originated - there was no fighting or anything. However, since our 3 arguments she felt like she has lost everything for me.


But, the last week has been great, minus the fact she got upset last night because I said she was distant. I didnt see that as a reason to get mad and not want to talk to me, thats literally all I said. This weekend she went back to telling me she loves me, and its the first time in several weeks she has said it. I told her weeks ago that I didnt want her to say it because it was expected, and during our hard times she has been brutally honest with me no matter how bad it hurts. So, hopefully she is starting to feel it again.

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I mean you are allowing her to control you by her actions. You are putting your emotional well being on whether she is nice to you or not.


I am confused. She doesn't trust you? Explain to me what it is that you did to make her not trust you.

As far as you helping out around the house goes: That is what I call the nuts and bolts of a relationship. It means very little in the long run. You don't get credit for doing what you are supposed to do.

What are you doing to improve your marriage means: Are you reading anything to help you understand what a great marriage needs? Are you learning what it is YOU want out of a marriage? Are you considering seeing a therapist to help YOU with your issues? Are you willing to accept what you have no control over?

This all applies to her as well. From what you described she is doing zero to improve this. Once again she is looking to you to make her happy so she will love you again. This is not possible! It can not be sustained and you will be right back here soon. Ask he straight out what she thinks needs to be worked on for the marriage to be better, stronger and more loving. I have a feeling she will list all the things YOU need to do to make her happy and nothing she needs to do to learn to BE happy.



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By she doesn't trust me, she means our 3 arguments we had I brought up the same things, and she thinks that by me continuing to do that, it is how I truly feel about her. I try my best not to look at her based off her past, but once we hit problems I am hearing alot of the same explanations. She doesn't have the best past as I have stated. When we got back together she admitted she did not handle things the right way, and that what she did was a mistake. When we were going thru problems tho, she said she wasn't going to feel bad about contacting her ex husband before we split because her mind was made up. This pissed me off because it was the thing she admitted fault to when things were so great.


As for what I am doing, I am reading The Love Dare to help me better, I talk to friends with great aspects on life and marriage. I have read alot on peoples experiences, prayed alot etc. As for her, I guess she is just waiting on me to make her happy, she does not believe that a partner can or can not make you happy. She thinks that who you choose to be with has alot of bearing on happiness, which it does in a way. But, overall a person has to have it within themselves.


I guess things are ok still, she was only affectionate Sunday - I guess church made her think I dont know. I am really trying to keep things together, but its to the point of almost giving me a nervous breakdown. I am complete and totally consumed by things from the past since our problems arose again.

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Well looks like we are back at square one. She says if I touch her sexually she cringes...that she doesn't have that "want" for me anymore. She said she tells me she loves me out of habit altho I hadn't heard it or seen any affection in weeks until Sunday. Her story was it was the greatest because she had that "want"....thats what made it so great, not some moves I pulled in the bedroom. But, then she said she didnt care if I was the best or the worst in bed, she would still have that "want" if things were like they should be between a husband and wife. She tells me that she could go find a guy to have great sex with, the problem is she feels like she should have that want factor, that she doesn't have in her husband now.


It was really contradictory. Because based off what she said, there wouldn't be any bad sex if she had a want, and there wouldn't be any great sex if she didn't have a want....but then she can turn around and say she could have bad sex and would still want it, and she could have great sex with someone else if thats what mattered - but how so without this "want" she keeps talking about?


First thing she told me about her ex was that he sucked in bed, I've heard it 1000 times, but she said she loved him and would have stayed with him if it wasn't for the drinking. That doesn't sound like great sex to me.

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This keeps coming back to you in her mind doesn't it?

She is a very selfish person that uses others for her pleasure and happiness. Just the statements she has said to you shows just how cold she is deep down inside. I haven't seen anything where she has taken any blame for what is going on.

This goes way beyond sex. This has to do with her ability, or lack of to be connected on a deep enough level to anyone. She has serious problems and you need to take a good hard look at what is REALLY going on here. Take the love goggles off for a moment and look at this like it was your brother and sisiter in law going through this. What would you tell him to do?

I want you to think about this one thing a little bit. I am not saying you are perfect in any way but lets say you were a mechanic and you worked on a car and had it running really good but the customer kept bringing it back saying something is wrong. So you work on it some more and then again. She still brings it back and says the same thing. You ask friends, you go online, you pray and still you really can't find anything wrong with the car. Is there really anything wrong with the car or has the customer convinced herself that there is something wrong even though there isn't. In the end the only way she will be happy is if she gets a new car. It isn't right or sane but it is reality.

How long are you willing to work before you realize the reality of this situation?


best wishes


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Very good point Lost. Well I filed taxes last night, and today she seemed A ok when she called. I asked her if she seen on the computer how much we were getting back and she said no how would she see it. So I told her i left the laptop on the bedroom floor with it opened, but she said she didnt pay attention to it - which I do believe. But, alot of things I am beginning to second guess. Has she ever given me a reason not to trust? Not since we have been together no, but its just how things are happening.


Once I told her how much it was she said we can actually go on our cruise and she would talk to some people. Now, I did tell her that if we got cruise tickets for May, she was going to go with me love me or hate me...and we joked about it. Funny she even said "You mean I can't trade you in for a newer model" haha. Anyway she did call in a really good mood, I give her that - but it was after I said something about the money she said "I was going to text you this morning, but we were so busy...and tell you (she was hesitant)...to not sit at work and worry today, that I'm probably just on edge". Now I know she has alot going on, but it made me wonder if she threw that in for good measure because of the tax money. Not that I would have got any of that money without her and the 2 kids to claim, but since she didn't work last year she wouldn't have gotten anything either. But when I said I love you she said it back, when just last night she told me she wasn't going to anymore because it was out of habit, and she feels like crap if I say it and she doesn't say it back.

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Hi ksh...I've been reading all of your postings on this thread and the advice you are getting from everyone (mostly "Lost", whom I have the utmost respect for and whose opinion and advice is strongly recommended! ;-)) Seriously though, I have to agree that your wife is being very very selfish. She has placed full blame on you and you have clearly bent over backward for her in many many ways.


I truly believe your wife has very deep seated issues that you, or anyone else for that matter, will never be able to sort out and work through without some major counseling...and it just doesn't seem like she is willing to work that hard to save your marriage. I am sorry to be so blunt. I know you love her, but you need to take a moment and ask yourself, "Am I truly happy in this relationship"?, "Am I truly happy with my life"? Ask yourself what would make YOU happy, then look at your situation and ask yourself if you truly believe what will make you happy is going to happen.


I don't think you realize that she is keeping you on a string until she figures out what she is going to do. She keeps you on an emotional roller coaster and gives you 'just enough' hope to keep you where she wants you.


What a horrible thing it is to hear your spouse cringes at your touch. That's ridiculous! So hurtful. Please realize that you have given and given and given and you have received NOTHING in return.


I'm so sorry. Again, I didn't mean to sound harsh, but sometimes a reality check can be a very useful thing.


I wish you the best of luck. I do believe you deserve someone who will love you with the same intensity that you love them. I don't believe your wife will ever be capable of doing that.

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Thank you Tech. I honestly do not know what I am looking for, I guess I am waiting for us to "us" again ya know? I mean we had a great life together, both in and out of the bedroom. I did notice some things were different when it come to intimacy, but at first she cried so hard placing the blame on herself, and is now quick to blame me saying she was unhappy with things I did. Now keep in mind, when anything was addressed I did fix them. I can't fix what I don't know is broken. I do love her and my family dearly, and what I'm holding on to may be hope....but there is alot going thru my head.


I would be 30 yrs old, 2 girls, 2 different women, it doesn't paint me as the best bachelors choice, which really sucks because I have always been golden to the girls I've dated. I have just picked girls that were alot alike I guess. That along with the fact my wife is beautiful, definitely the best looking I have dated, of course my ex's are pretty, and looks have never been most important to me - but it does make it harder to let go of. I guess I need to look at the reality of even tho she is gorgeous, she has a bad past history. I don't believe in knowing someones past or judging them on it, but since we have been together I have found out some things that are honestly sleazy. She just seems to not have alot of self dignity, beautiful or not, she has had several partners, im sure more than I care to know, and most of the hookups come from drinking and partying etc...it's like she doesn't carry herself with alot of class. Relationships I can deal with, but I have a feeling she has had more drunken one night stands than I realize.


I hate her past, and I try to see past it and tell myself she isn't the same person, even though when we split up I know she did it to me....but that was 2 yrs ago and alot has changed, so I can't say she would do the same who knows.

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"I guess I am waiting for us to "us" again ya know?" Yes, I know how you are feeling, but sadly, I believe it's time to start letting go of those feelings because she has chosen differently.


"when anything was addressed I did fix them. I can't fix what I don't know is broken" YOU have done all of the work...YOU have made all of the changes...SHE has done nothing but criticize and tell you it's not enough.


"my wife is beautiful, definitely the best looking I have dated" I know you've heard the old saying...Beauty is only skin deep. It's true. She may be beautiful on the outside, but she has all kinds of ugly brewing on the inside where beauty matters most.


Again, I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you are filling yourself with false hope. I'm sorry.


Can't you see that you are the one taking ALL responsibility here? It takes two people to make a marriage work...TWO..not just one.

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Hi there,


You've gotten very sage advice from Lost and TechResQ.


I have little to add but just a couple observations:


1) Why should your wife be willing to change when you are right there to justify all of her actions for her? Why should your wife be willing to change when you're bending over backwards to cater to her every little whim? She is acting like a tyrant at home, most likely bc she's stressed at school and fatigued. And I totally get that. I am ashamed to admit that this past week, I was stressed and tired beyond words and who did I take it out on? the people around me who love me unconditionally and are supportive of me, always. I guess I did so bc I knew they'd understand and forgive me. BUT that's why it's so terrible! I shouldn't take them for granted but I do, and I justify my actions and hope I can make it up to them in the near future. [i am inclined to think that the little "moments" of getting along -- like the past Sunday you mention in a previous post -- might be your wife's way of trying to put HER guilty mind at ease.]


In your situation, your wife doesnt even have to put in the effort to justify her actions bc you're already doing it for her. She doesnt have time to feel guilty bc you are right there to put her mind at ease. So she thinks she has the right to pull this crap on you, which puts her in the wrong, for sure, but you're right there with her, egging her on to treat you like crap.


If you're telling her it's ok to treat you this way, why then are you expecting her to magically change on her own? She's doing what makes her feel good and she THINKS she has your permission to act this way. So you've got to let her know that you too are unhappy and would like things to change (FOR THE BETTER) for the BOTH of you.


2) BUT I think it's going to be a challenge talking to her, on your own. I know you said that you two are very busy, full time parents, nursing school, jobs, etc. BUT I think you should look into marriage counseling.


I say this bc whenever you try to approach her to talk about the marriage stuff, she makes a pre-emptive strike to stop you from pursuing the convo any further.


Some of the things she says (directly and also, indirectly): 1) I could be a commitment-phobe; 2) I get scared that people will abandon me, so I leave first, before they can; 3) I am tired; 4) I am sought after so I can always change "up" to a "better model"; 4) I had a bad role model (mother) who only showed me a life of moving from one man to another so I really dont know any better or any different, etc.


While all of the things she says might be true, it still does NOT excuse her from checking out of this marriage.


You say in your OP that your wife said that she's always acted like this with people she was "WITH" -- well, she's not simply "WITH" you. she's MARRIED to you. And that makes a HUGE difference.


You appear to put yourself down -- that she's doing you some huge favor by staying married to you, a 30yr old man with 2 children by 2 women. If you dont think you're worth a commitment, fidelity, love, support, partnership from your wife, then why would she think she needs to give you any of these things? Please STOP yourself from thinking that she's some kind of a saint for putting up with you, and that she's the only one who'd put up with you, and that's why you should allow her to walk all over you.


In my humble opinion, a couple of things have to happen -- you got to stop putting her on the pedestal. Acknowledge your part in the trouble your marriage is facing now but place proper blame where it's due -- namely, your wife who is ALSO to blame. So you got to FIRST acknowledge that she's wreaking a lot of havoc in your life and ALSO the life of your children. And it seems critical that you go in for marriage counseling, bc it sounds like she's got her "get-out-of-serious-convos-about-marriage/sex/etc" plan down pat. You'll probably need an unbiased third-party to intervene and to guide you so that you two can start rebuilding your marriage.


Just a thought. I'll hope you take what "Lost" and "Tech" said to heart ... Good luck to you and your family.

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