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Sadness, I suppose


Slagar

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She sent me a txt yesterday asking how I'm doing, and saying that she's been busy etc.

 

I've ignored it. I think it's past the stage where guilt/ignoring her would actually achieve anything, but I have little else.

 

We said we'd go back to being friends. Is it possible? Is close friends between a man and a woman even possible?

... Thinking about it: I still want her. I'd still want her. I'd become her pet again. Even if I manage to put my A-game on when she is around, it'd make no difference. It'd mess me up. I'd just be setting myself up for another fall. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I can't set myself up like that again.

 

I can't deny she is an amazing person though. A definite 10 in my books. I just hope she feels some guilt. I hope it never leaves her alone. She doesn't deserve my friendship. I'm the best thing that ever could've happened to her; at least, that's what I tell myself.

 

I just wish I didn't go into this blind (in love with her!). I didn't even realise; I must've been deaf too. I didn't want to realise. It's going to cut me deep when she finds someone. I tell myself "not if I find someone first". I'm even working on it, with a great girl. But I know she will, and probably before me.

 

Prior to this, I believed in God, in miracles. I believed in fairy tales and happy endings. I lived with my heart on my sleeve, I wanted to be a poet. I believed all you need is love. I was happy. That's how I lived life, and it had always worked out for me, somehow. Until now.

 

Now? I just feel hollow. The world seems pale and grey. The flowers are no longer pretty, the sun no longer warm. I couldn't give a damn anymore. As though life has been sucked out of me by some kind of vampire.

 

Poetry? Love? It's all a sham to me now. A lie you tell children to give them something to believe in, something to hope for. Light, how can I have been so naiive? True love doesn't exist. Now I build walls to keep love out, to keep from feeling. Nobody wants to feel anymore. All they want is game. And I remembered the rules just a moment too late.

 

Make no mistake - I've got a lot going for myself. I'm going to be the best in life and in everything I do (and I am force to be reckoned with when I set my mind on something). The only difference now, is that it's with a hollow heart.

 

... I'll see her at a friend's party at the end of the month. This time? I'm bringing my A-game.

 

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When ur single, especially after a break up, anything that has to do with "love" can be sickening. It's the most fun early in the relationship, but then that fades to a degree. Everything's wonderful when ur happy in a relationship...learning to be happy and single is a skill I've never really mastered. It sounds like you have the right mindset, but maybe the texting is keeping u back?

 

How long did u date her..or what happened? It's rare to be good friends after a split, I'm having enough trouble being just friends w/ a gal I dated for only 3 weeks...

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We were long-time friends, had become best friends over the last few years. We really only technically went out a couple of times, but it was on the cards for a long time; emotions were running high for both of us.

 

Then she started giving me the cold shoulder, gave me the friends speech and lied to my face about some things. So I gave her hell for it... she blew me off on something very important we had planned together, and I started giving her the cold shoulder/NC.

 

I'll definitely see her again, we've got so many mutual friends.

 

... I just can't believe it.

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