An X wants me back after 30 years, not the one I want

[minou]

So here's some irony for you. Out of curiosity I googled an ex a month ago. We hadn't see each other in decades. We've spoken a few times some time ago. He contacted me once when I was separated from my husband for a year and half. (We later got back together for a few years.) The ex ex asked me out and I declined, stating I was still in love with my husband and hoping for reconciliation. So I found him again recently. He's a great guy. We were very close, college sweethearts for a year and half and had many common interests at the time. We had lunch a few weeks ago and have had a few very brief phone calls. I was really clear in stating my continued feelings for my husband and hope to get back together with him. This week he invited me to go away with him. I declined, again stating I still love my husband and have no interest in other relationships. Today I got a letter from him declaring his love and awareness of the irony because he knows I am still in love with my husband. Unfortunately I have no interest. How lovely it would have been had this been mutual. Sorry not to have a beautiful positive success story to post. But people do continue to have feelings that span decades. In his case, he's loved others. Married and divorced several years ago. I'm in a place where I've tried to move on in my thoughts from my husband, but no one else can cut it for me. I'm 51. I know what I want. This love is so intense. I don't feel the slightest bit of attraction to being with anyone else. I really hope my husband and I find our way back to each other eventually. That's all for now.

[Tired Tiger]

I had a similar experience 4 years ago. 23 years after the fact. She was ready to leave her husband of 18 years and 4 kids after 2 phone calls. I said goodbye.

[Diagonal]

Great stories guys

 

Just shows how feelings don't just vanish overnight.

 

I think some people on here (myself included) think going a few weeks or so with NC/LC etc, is going to result in our ex losing all their feelings and memories of our relationship.

 

These stories prove that feelings do really run deep.

[pumpkinmoon]

Great stories guys

 

Just shows how feelings don't just vanish overnight.

 

I think some people on here (myself included) think going a few weeks or so with NC/LC etc, is going to result in our ex losing all their feelings and memories of our relationship.

 

These stories prove that feelings do really run deep.

 

I wouldn't say they do with everyone. some people are just bumholes!

[Chris Knows]

30 years! Wow, I haven't even been alive 30 years

 

I hope you and your husband can rekindle the flame though. Good luck!

[minou]

Thank you CK.

[vertigoxo]

OP, maybe you should give this ex ex a chance... I mean, I already know that you're not interested, but why not just go on a few, casual, fun dates with him? Get to know him a bit more... I know you already knew him decades back, but he must have changed, gotten more mature, and who knows. Maybe he really wants to settle down now and be with one person... And that person, he hopes, would be you.

 

I know you really want your current ex back, but look at this situation perpesctively... Just like you're missing your current ex, your ex ex is missing you like hell right now. And for someone not forgetting about you 30 years later... I have to say, that's impressive. He must really care about you...

 

Like I said, you don't have to jump into a relationship with him. Infact, I am against that idea. Just go out and have some light-hearted fun with him. In the end... You have to move on from the current ex, at least for now.

[minou]

First Vertigo thanks for your comments and sweetness. I know where you are coming from. I can't describe the extent of the passion & tenderness I have for my husband. There is absolutely no way my feelings for the ex ex will develop. In the meantime, his feelings for me may grow even stronger with contact, and he will be more hurt by the reality of mine just being friendship. At this point it can't be hurting him too much. After all, we've both lived and loved. He married... I think was with her eight years... some years ago...etc. etc. He's a very passionate person, a poet, and I can't help but think that this option would just bring him more pain in the context of unrequited love. I think the kinder thing for me to do, since I am so completely sure, is let him get over this before it feels more intense. There is really not much recent contact to base heartbreak on at this point. As we all know on this forum it hurts like hell to long for someone who is not currently on the same page and I don't want to wish that on anyone. I do care for him as a person and it would feel like bringing one of the worst experiences in life into the days of a person who is doing pretty well in his life right now.

[minou]

So I got a love poem from the ex/ex. Kind of with the message that it's worth taking a plunge. It made me realize two things. First, how it feels to have someone say they are totally ready for something when you are not at all. This made me look back at some of my texts to my husband when he wasn't responding in a different light. I feel like I invaded his space. Second, this communication from the ex/ex all happened in the context of longing for some kind of sign the love is still there somehow in my husband's heart, that it just can't be gone. He never told me he stopped loving me, on the contrary, but at some point just dropped out of sight. Outer indifference is so hard to take. so while this declaration of love didn't come from the one I want to hear from, it did bring some healing. The experience that love can still be there after so many years in someone else's heart gave me a glimmer of hope. I've been praying so much for a sign my patience and continued passion for my husband is not insane on my part. No-one has adored me the way my husband did, for a dozen years. I know it's still there. I am going to keep trusting in the heaven that we both once touched together. Clearly he needs some space right now. I don't believe he can experience the intensity of love and joy that we had with anyone else. I can't help but think it's a question of time before he realizes it. All I want at this point is for him to have even a glimmer of longing for me. I am finally going NC to give his heart the chance to connect with feelings of me without my provoking them. (contact on my end has been less and less). I don't regret letting him know how passionately I still love him. But I do realize the time has come to totally let go outwardly. This way, when he thinks of me it will be from his own brain and heart and not from some unsolicited communication from me. I think he may find it harder to discount such thoughts as unimportant.

[Real]

@ Minou, I'm much younger than you & haven't had a lot of life experiences in love, but I believe without a shadow of a doubt that you love your husband and would probably do anything for him & I hope he will someday realize that he also feels the same way about you & the both of you fix this relationship. I've always said & truly believe that love takes work. There are times of up & there are times of down, you just have to work through them together. Your feeling for your husband cannot & will never be replaced by anyone elses no matter how hard they try or what other people tell you to do. Keep your love for him & I hope he remembers His own love for you soon. But do remember to continue to live your life while he sort his out. Either way, you will be fine.

[minou]

Thank you Real. Your reply means a lot to me. I will no doubt re-read it when I need comfort. May you have sweet love that lasts.

[moonbug]

Honestly, these kinda stories scare me! I mean, I hope I don't stay hung over over my ex like I am right now, 30 years down the line! It must have been really hard being this guy...living with all these unreciprocated feelings for decades.

 

But truth be told, I am scared more because I think it is completely possibly, nay probable, that I will be in a similar place, years from now.

[leq]

I wouldn't say they do with everyone. some people are just bumholes!

 

You just made me smile

[jimmajam]

That's pretty amazing whether you want him back or not. I am pretty sure I will always hold my current ex close to my heart even though she doesn't talk to me anymore. I think I'd feel like a psycho bringing it up after 30 years though, lol.

 

It's also pretty cool that you love and are dedicated to your husband even though you've gotten this unique opportunity to reconnect with someone else. I admire that and think it really shows how you feel about your husband. Good luck with whatever path you choose to pursue.

[Tired Tiger]

You guys wanna read more stories about the long lost love thing, go here:

 

link removed

 

I used to be a member there. Crazy stuff.

[minou]

Moonbug, I don't think he lived with these unreciprocated feelings for 30 years. We were together one and half years. Though we were very close, I felt more like best friends with a sexual relationship. He was happy with that. He wanted me to move in with him when we both moved to NY... I wanted to live by myself for a while, which kind of led to the breakup. A couple of months later I wanted to reconnect after, ashamed to say, I had an abortion (after our mutual decision), and was going through a hard time. He did not want that at the time. So we took a distance. All these decades he has loved again, even married, had a child and divorced. I think the feelings were stirred up when he saw me, though he did send me love poetry once, perhaps after his divorce and a postcard with a poem and picture of a painting he had seen that reminded him of me, on another occasion. I was already married and didn't respond, other than wishing him the best. I know he's had much joy over the decades and it hasn't been a constant feature of his awareness.

 

Love is crazy sometimes. There's a song about that in France. "When I love you, you love him and he loves her." Something like that. In Hawaiian lore, its full of love stories of the Hawaiian gods and there is much tragi-comedy. I guess life can be like that. How fortunate are those who manage to last a lifetime and feel happy! Perhaps we need to reincarnate many lifetimes to have that and some of us are still younger souls learning. When there is injustice I can't help but feel it is old past life karmic stuff.

 

Anyway, thanks Jimmajam. It's true. I am totally devoted to my husband.

 

By the way, I've gone from feeling suicidal at some times along the way to windows of pain in the day interspersed with true serenity. Sorry to get spiritual for those who aren't into that but when I hit rock bottom I started to pray really hard to feel God's presence in my life again. It was either that or go on anti-depressants. I decided to give spirituality a shot first. That's when serenity started to kick in. So I do whatever I need to do now to keep that up, meditation, regular prayer and focussing on what it means for there to be a Higher Power, a true mystery the brain and heart can gently unravel in its own way. This is the way I am managing to even find some moments of happiness again even though I am not currently with my soulmate. Maybe when I am healed enough to really be able to sustain some kind of happiness without him he will somehow come back. Happiness is a magnet and I know I could never be as happy as I've been with him. Sometimes we draw to ourselves what we focus on. For example, people who keep thinking their partner is cheating when they are not can even push the mate into the arms of another.

 

Please remember HAPPINESS IS A MAGNET ... those of you that are lucky enough to have meetings with potential reconciliation. They will be more attracted to you when you emanate happiness. It's contagious. Also when you manage to be in a relationship again, focus on the positive in life, as far as possible. Gratitude goes a long way in the direction of bringing in more to be grateful for. Don't fuss over small stuff. In a marriage or LTR, if you were drawn enough to the person to be in that situation, there is always more to be grateful for than fret over.

 

Frankly, in my case, there was cocaine on his part at times. Once I went away and came back to find female perfume on the only 3 shirts of his in the laundry. Now, being without him, I know that one incident while partying, after 12 years of a mostly blissful (truly) marriage, was not worth my losing the marriage over. People were always amazed at how we were together, how in love. I also regret not staying in alanon because his long hours away when he used at times, without answering the phone, eventually wore me down and made me wonder if he was cheating. I started to look for signs in a way that may have even threatened my own sanity over time. I can't fully blame myself because substance abuse gets stressful for anyone to deal with. I know alanon would have helped me keep the focus on myself. I probably would not have sniffed the shirts in the first place. And I would still be with the love of my life. Our romance was so cool. Daily sex for ten years. Not many people can say the passion stays that strong, as well as cuddling, whispering sweet nothings, making music and movies together. When he walked in the door from work, if I was home first, I would leap up joyfully. He would hold me so hard in a bear hug and whisper my pet name so lovingly. that's how we always were together. Other than the coke nights. Which were not rampant. If we got back together and he goes out for a partying night, I think even then I will leap up grateful he is home, say did you have a good time sugar instead of pout. That's how I feel now, having lost him, for now.

 

Sorry this is so long! It helped to get it all out. I hope there are angels that read what we write and step in to help those who can find joy with the one they love. Pardon to those who think I have a "silly" streak. I'm an accomplished Ph.D. who also has a scientific mind. There's always room for angels. God knows we need them. All the best to all of you.

[minou]

By the way, we were separated once before, for a year and half. We were so happy to re-unite the last time, and had more years of happiness before the next separation. I don't regret one day, other than the last.

[Real]

I like your resilience in working it out in your relationship. Most people don't understand that love takes work & it has it's good times & bad times. people are quick to give up on each other. Love is weird, but it's good. A person willing to work it out is a rarity in these modern times. Do your best, that all you can do & ask for in return.

[minou]

One thing that can be so painful is that while I was away I had a psychiatric breakdown, partly engendered by a head injury. (First time such a thing happened to me.) When I came back, I found those shirts and was in the worst possible place to deal with it. The timing was terrible. It hurts now to know I threw him out. In any other circumstances, I could have handled it. Had this happened any other time in our relationship I would have done my best to work it out then. I can't explain to you how flipped out I was already, for the first time in my life. So I am resilient, but when I was at my weakest (and he did not know I was in that condition, I was away in a class) life handed me something like this. It still hurts so terribly at times that I did not hang in there at the time, but I have to forgive myself because I was not myself. He was so hurt by being thrown out, he may have turned to drugs and temporarily relishing the single life. Then I became more and more ill and lost him. Once I had recovered, I had lost him, for now. I am doing my best to hang in there. I hope one of these days he remembers all we had as precious as it was, heals from the ending, and comes back to me. He is the kind of person who is able to really shut down from something that hurts him. Right now he is with someone else, but it's hard for me to believe they can have the kind of romantic passion, combined with being best friends that we shared. I feel that one day their relationship will be over. So I am in the wings, NC for now. It took me a while to get my spirituality back. I felt so betrayed by Heaven. Thanks Real for reading that horrendously long entry.