Crying.... Again!!!

[Rob1000]

Ah man, this hurts. Almost 1 year on, and this bloody ex-fiancee of mine is still doing it to me! I was doing so well. I was healing, dating and really moving forward, until I saw her for the first time in almost a year last Saturday. I knew I might get a little set back when I saw her, but I never knew it would do this to me! I've been thinking, pining, missing the past, all over again. I knew I might get a little set back when I saw her, but I never knew it would do this to me!

 

I was taking pride of being a source of inspiration to others on here this past few months, but now I feel so helpless all over again. I don't deserve this. I really don't. I've done everything right in the healing process. I walked away and let her be, to move on with her life, but why oh why does this hurt so much still!!? It almost feels like this time last year all over again!!

[vertigoxo]

I'm sorry Rob. Maybe it's not you seeing her that set you back, it was the way she acted towards you was made you feel like this right now. I remember you telling us how she almost cried when she saw you, how much she stared at you, and smiled at you. Of course that will set you back!

[Rob1000]

I'm sorry Rob. Maybe it's not you seeing her that set you back, it was the way she acted towards you was made you feel like this right now. I remember you telling us how she almost cried when she saw you, how much she stared at you, and smiled at you. Of course that will set you back!

Thanks VG... possibly... It would have been better had she completely blanked me. I even chatted with her best friend for an hour that night, like everything was back the way it was. I got a taste of how it was and now I'm back down that hole again. I've lost that spring in my step that took me almost year to get back!

[vertigoxo]

Did your ex told you she wanted to meet up? Did you contacted her after the party?

[Rob1000]

Did your ex told you she wanted to meet up? Did you contacted her after the party?

There's been no contact since, and to be honest, I don't expect any. When we said good-bye I told her to 'come say hello some time' and she said she would. But that could have been just a generic response, who knows. I think its too painful for her to see me. I know just what our break-up did to her. Thanks for listening Vertigo!

[vertigoxo]

Well, if she acted all emotional when you two saw each other at the party, something must be there...

[Rob1000]

Well, if she acted all emotional when you two saw each other at the party, something must be there...

I know she still loves me, but its so damn hard because she wont do anything about it!

[JonasWaingaro]

I figured the aftermath would be difficult. Heck, you have to expect to be set back Rob. Seeing our exes ain't easy, ever. Just remember you have a year of healing behind you. That will serve you well.

[Rob1000]

I figured the aftermath would be difficult. Heck, you have to expect to be set back Rob. Seeing our exes ain't easy, ever. Just remember you have a year of healing behind you. That will serve you well.

I really hope so, dude! I was doing so well too.

[dew]

This always happens to me. When there is less contact, I start feeling ok. Then if there is any contact with him, I feel miserable. I know how u are feeling.

[jettison]

When you hold onto someone for that long, and won't completely let go, and won't really let a new person in to take her place, it usually means that you have unresolved issues with yourself that you aren't yet able to face. You have have done "everything right", but there is some reality about yourself that you are not accepting, some part of you that you are not loving. Until you bring whatever that is to the service, and expose it to the light of day, it's going to be hard to ever completely let go.

 

Romantically, we're always attracted and feeling sexual toward people we feel have something that we don't have. If you felt intellectually inferior growing up, you might want to have sexual union with a brilliant person in order to capture that quality. If you're not quit-witted in your estimation then you're going to search out those that can think quickly in the moment and are seemingly impervious to judgment and barbs. If you grew up poor or are poor then dating someone wealthy and affluent will be so much more to you. Whatever we are not, that tends to be who we want to attract and have some kind of union with. Via projection, we want to capture those qualities through sex.

 

So, you have to ask yourself, what made her so special? What quality or quality did she possess that you feel you keep right on missing? Attraction? Witt? Kindness? Wealth? Confidence? Until you recognize it, name it, expose it, and address it in yourself, some part of you will keep hurting over this and therefore over her. She is "just a person", truly, and there are so many millions of spectacular single women out there. Her rejection of you, and therefore, that subliminal condemnation of who you are is what's present and what requires the light of day for you to keep moving forward.

[testcase]

Hey Rob, yea just keep on healing man. I def know what it's like when someone still loves you.. but they just aren't with you. It's a crumby feeling and often times leaves the one that deeply wants things to work, feeling lost and confused.

 

You still love her and that is understandable but you really should let go of idea, even if it's a distant one, that somewhere down the line you two are going to get back together. I've been reading your recent posts and I think I get the feeling from you that you hope that's going to happen. I know it's tough. I had a lot of trouble letting go myself. Actually I think for me it was a bit easier only because my ex got engaged... the only choice I had was to let go. I think once you let go of that hope and really accept it... you will be fine no matter what happens.

[fxer82]

say it does sound that you are doing what you have to and reliy on this boards help that brought out of the hole once also you also brought others a path to take as helping others, you just need a slite refresher course not the indepth one as before. i hope it helps you.

[Rob1000]

Thats exactly it. I had let go.. and she was becoming a distant memory, but seeing her on Saturday brought up way too many feelings, hopes and desires again. Before Christmas she was seeing someone, and even though it hurt to find it all out, I made great progress in moving on. I really was doing so well, but seeing her has knocked the crap out of me!

[tina-rocks]

Oh Rob, I am so sorry,

 

Hits us harder then we imagine when we finally have the inevitable meeting...

 

HUGE (hugs) to you and I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

Christina x

[Rob1000]

Oh Rob, I am so sorry,

 

Hits us harder then we imagine when we finally have the inevitable meeting...

 

HUGE (hugs) to you and I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

Christina x

Thanks Tina! I'd give anything to know how seeing me made her feel!

[Rob1000]

It's wanting what I can't have that's doing it me... I can't pinpoint any one thing that stood out about her. She's a really outgoing person, where I'm more introverted.

[surfNski]

Yea man I hear you, seeing mine again was pretty tough. I dont know about you but my ex was stunning it took all my effort not to let my eyes drift when she walked by. Seeing her again brought back the memories of what an amazing relationship we had, the chemistry, the passion, the trips, the long talkes, everything. It also brought up the fact that I haven't met anyone as amazing as her in my life much less in the 8 months since she walked.

 

Then I got a small taste of who she is now, a side of her that is far from appealing. The side that hates small children, kicks defenseless dogs, and cheats on test's (all exaggerations). I was lucky that she showed the person she has become, yes she is even more beautiful (which I didn't think was possible) but she is mean. This new, more beautiful version of the woman I loved killed the woman that I know. She doesn't exist anymore...

 

My only advice is to remember the woman that left you, remember how she left you and how she treated you. Is that the woman you love? You still may have that connection but is she the same woman? Something to think about man...

 

Either way, I am pulling for you. Take your time, do some healing then come back and inspire the rest of us like you usually do.

[1guygirl]

oh Rob, what can i say what others havent already...??

 

guess i can jus send a hug your way.... most of us, if not all of us, have been there in them crummy shoes youre in

[Rob1000]

Hey man.. I think I remember saying to you at the time that you were lucky in a way that your ex was so cold to you when you met. It left you under no illusion how she felt and that you had no choice but to move on. You're right, I have to remember the person from this time last year.. the person who treated me like crap and showed no respect for the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with at one point. I guess I've merely idealised her again, and put her back up on that pedestal where she certainly doesn't belong!

[CatsMeeoow]

Its easy for all that time that you didn't see her to almost mean nothing... like treading water or hanging out...

 

Seeing them makes you face the ultimate reality again. It reminds you of what you are missing but the mind has this terrible way of having us ache for the good stuff and then sliding the bad stuff under the rug.

 

Bottom line is you are still processing seeing her for the first time. Your emotions will be all over the place... first anxiety, then excitement, then acceptance, then irritability, then frustration, then remorse and back to anxiety.... sigh...

 

Accept that seeing her was a very difficult step but one in the right direction and in a matter of days you'll be able to pick yourself up again and start those steps forward.

 

Peace and Love

[Rob1000]

oh Rob, what can i say what others havent already...??

 

guess i can jus send a hug your way.... most of us, if not all of us, have been there in them crummy shoes youre in

Thanks 1gg! Hugs to you too!!

 

It's amazing how therapeutic this board can be!

[quirky]

All the work you've done is not undone just because you feel sad now. It's expected after seeing her. I really understand you. I sometimes wish I didn't know that my ex does love me. But what can we do Rob? What can we REALLY do? All we have is this moment and our future, it's all a leap of faith but there's no other alternative..

[learning2relax]

When we are hurting and feeling lonely, it is natural to think back to the good times, the promises, the long talks about the future and the great moments shared/experienced. You have to force yourself to remember the not so good. The reasons the relationship found it's end. Otherwise we are fooling ourselves, not working on what we need to work on and setting ourselves up for a bigger let down when you attempt again too soon. It happened to me and the 2nd time was much more devastating than the 1st. No matter how good I was, how hard I tried, how many eggshells I walked on to avoid it's demise, it found its way there any way. We weren't ready to get back together and let circumstances throw us into each others arms. Ignoring the fact(s) that we never resolved the issues that found us apart the first time it ended. The instant gratification was great at the time but in reality we just started the stopwatch on the second round.

[BlueRizla]

I just cheered you with my rather large glass of red. Rob.. you are an inspiration to all us blokes on here.. on how to walk away and deal with the consequences. Just becasue you understandably broke down today doesnt mean we value your posts any less or think anything of you for this setback. It was 50/50 after meeting her. I think you did so well when you met her and now..are you running after her? texting her? calling her up? emailing? professing your undying love? breaking NC? acting like a doormat? Nope. You are still an inspiration. It takes strength to do what you are doing and even more so after this meeting and what went down...which would mess with anyone's sanity. Cheers to you man. You are an absolute star. Rob's guide to being a man. I'm listening mate.