Jealousy Over Korean Girls

[Kaystar87]

I've been dating my Korean-born Korean boyfriend for a while now and up until I started dating him I had no issues/jealousy over asian women, specifically Korean women. Never thought twice about them, but since I've been dating him, I've developed this weird insecure jealousy over Korean women. Granted some of it is due to some Korean women I've met have been down right been snobbish towards me (I've met a few that have just been rude on purpose and have made a point to not acknowledge me or him together), but still, I've gotten to the point where I don't even want my boyfriend talking to Korean women (which i know is unreasonable). I always feel like they're prettier, skinnier, and better than me, which I know is also untrue (my bf tells me all the time how beautiful I am, that I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever dated and the best). I also get insecure over the fact that they can speak to him fluently in Korean and I can't and I just feel like that makes them better than me as well. I also get so insecure over how thin they all seem to be, and I literally kill myself every night in the gym lifting and running to lose more and more weight just to be as thin as I think they are, but it's like no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how thin I get, I still think I'm a cow compared to them (I'm 5"4 118 lbs, size 2-4) because I don't have a petite bone structure, I have a medium bone structure. I also have this nagging insecurity that no matter how thin, how nice I make myself look, he secretly prefers asian women over me (I'm white american, 23 yrs old). I feel like when ever he sees asian women, he pays more attention, and it makes me feel so unsexy and stupid, because the logical part of me knows it's stupid and unreasonable and that he loves only me and we have a fantastic sex life because he tells me all the time how attractive I am to him, how sexy I am to him, how I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever known and that he wants me to marry him next year. And yet, I can't get over that feeling that I'll never be as good as a Korean woman. Even his parents told him to keep a good relationship with me, because they think I'm beautiful and sweet and they have no issue with me being non-Korean because I'm an educated (elementary teacher) white American woman that doesn't smoke or drug. I don't know why I feel so insecure about Korean women and that jealousy has caused it's fair share of fights between him and I and I know it isn't fair to him ,because he's trying to be a good boyfriend towards me. I've talked to him about how I feel and he just reassures me that those Korean women have nothing on me, but it doesn't make me feel better. I'm trying to work on it, I'm just not sure where to start to work on my jealousy issues (and it's just issues with Korean women, no other woman makes me feel jealous). My boyfriend even has a Korean friend who's a girl that's pretty, prettier than average, and she's never done anything to me, she's never been rude to me, and yet I can't bring myself to like her at all despite that she's been friendly towards me. I'm not sure I'll ever like her, not as long as I feel so insecure about him being around Korean women (him and her talk in Korean around me and it pisses me off as well).

 

So my question is, I know the issue is with me, how can I begin to heal my jealous feelings?

[Cognitive_Canine]

They are the jealous ones.

 

Hopefully your boyfriend doesn't let them talk to you in a mean or condescending way. I couldn't be friends with someone who did that to my boyfriend. Who needs friends like that?

[Kaystar87]

Yeah, I've met a few nice ones (that number is like 2-3) but the majority of the Korean women in this area that I've met have been down right snotty towards me. The other day, my boyfriend and I were out and a group of them happened to be in the same place. One of them, barely even knowing my boyfriend, comes up to him, hits him on the chest, and goes (in Korean) "You've gotten fat" and walks off. She was being a * * * * * to be a * * * * * , and while they all said hey to my bf, not one of them acknowledged me standing beside him. That upsetted him and I both. So my negative feelings towards Korean women can partly be blamed on how they've treated me and him. I also get nasty stares from some of them as well, whenever they see us together and god do they love to stare, to the point where it's the rudest thing ever. So some of my negative feelings towards them I think is justified by how they've treated me and him.

[Sanesoul]

I don't know a whole lot about the asian culture, but I agree about the jealousy issue. They are jealous that you are with him and not one of them. It's their problem.

 

I wouldn't worry over it though, and DON'T be jealous of them. It isn't worth your mental energy. Your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be. He has told you how he feels and that's what you should think about.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Most Koreans place a lot of importance on sticking with other Koreans, especially if they are Korean born. One of my friends was harassed by a group of Koreans because she would not join their group of friends and was hanging out mostly with Caucasians. They treated her extremely badly and would send anonymous emails to her parents that she was hookng up with random boys and doing drugs (both which were lies). Mind you, these people were adults who were doing this.

[pinkelephant]

I'm tempted to agree with you because I don't get on with Korean girls either. I've dated a Korean guy before and I hated his friends. They just seemed so rude to me, BUT the more I think about it, the more I think it might just be a misunderstanding.

 

Koreans sometimes look like they're giving you dirty looks because of the way their eyes are shaped. And tbh, we asians all have staring problems. Something sparkly, we stare. Something slightly out of the ordinary, we stare. Something really ordinary, we stare. We can't help it, lolll. I wouldn't say they're staring to be rude, they're just staring because you guys are an interracial couple and that's rare and they're curious.

 

The fact that they seem to disregard you is probably because they don't know what to say to you or don't even speak English well or just isn't particularly mindful. I've had that happened to me and have done that a few times myself and then was told later I was rude.

 

In addition, asians have this weird thing about exclusivity. we're very very cliquey and in part, i guess they feel a bit betrayed by the fact that he's with a white girl -- which might be part of the reason why they're ignoring you. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm quite certain that's why. It's the "sleeping with the enemy" thing, which is understandable to an extent.

 

Sorry, I know I've just made like a total 180 in my little post. Just thinking it through, lol, hopefully was not confusing.

 

But I wouldn't call it jealousy. I don't think it's a jealousy issue at all. SOME could be jealous, but I doubt all of them are...

[amtjrtcet]

They are the jealous ones.

 

Hopefully your boyfriend doesn't let them talk to you in a mean or condescending way. I couldn't be friends with someone who did that to my boyfriend. Who needs friends like that?

 

I agree they're jealous...I'm hispanic and my husband is black. When we started dating I got so much attitude from black women it was unreal and there for a while I felt like I'd developed an automatic defense towards any black women I came in contact with...but as time went on and we fell in love those feelings went away and I just stopped paying attention to them. I know it still happens, especially when they see the giant rock on my ring finger, but I think its funny now and I just feel sorry for them.

 

Hold your head up high, don't let any women of any race make you feel insecure, and remember....HE IS WITH YOU, HE LOVES YOU.

[tiredofvampires]

First of all, I live in a place where I am completely outnumbered, culturally and racially by Asians, as being an American white female is in the minority here by a longshot. AND I live in Koreatown. So in about a 5 block radius, I nearly might as well be in Seoul, just walking the streets (well, almost). And I can tell you, physically, you will never be that skinny and tiny as those girls, because that is, as you said, their bone structure. You can't change that, obviously. I know you know this, rationally, but you've got to see it as this is what makes the human species varied -- if you went to Germany, you'd feel dwarfed by many people with larger bone structure. If you went to some places in Africa, you be surrounded by people with long bones who are very tall. So try to see these women as variations of the human genome that have nothing to do with how hard you are working out, whether you are beautiful, or anything else -- except that our national obsession with thinness (which ironically is reflected in many people who are obese and hate themselves) has you believing you have to become something you are not. Your wanting to be built like a Korean girl is about as the same as feeling jealous of women who have a different eye color.

 

I know this is not rational, and you know it's not rational. But maybe you have to first realize that your slaving away in the gym to look like that is fruitless.

 

You are a healthy height/weight, according to this, and not even overweight. If that's you in your avatar, I'd also say you're very attractive.

 

So what you're dealing with here is a feeling of being an outsider in some way, I think. Perhaps to antidote that, you should think of yourself as someone who your boyfriend sees as a complement to him, and that for him, the contrast makes you dear to him, physically and in all other ways. I was seriously involved with an (American) Japanese man here, and even though I felt like an outsider around his family (and yes, there was a feeling of having to "prove" myself for a long time), the fact that I was not "one of them" but that they accepted me after a while made me feel we are in our hearts all wanting the same things, and not divided by physical features in the end.

 

It's trite to say this, but he picked you because he loves YOU, and you need to turn your thoughts to the fact that you stood out to him in all ways, and that you add things to his life by being an individual, one outside his own culture, that he needs and wants. Also, thinness does not = beauty. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I've seen beautiful, thin Korean women and I've seen plain thin Korean women, just like you'll see in any ethnic group.

 

When I was with my Japanese boyfriend, I focused on the fact that we were together because we appreciated the differences and the sameness together, and that made it special. It's a sign of a man's independent mind that he chooses the woman he loves for her as an individual, and that completely disarms any jealousy.

 

As for the speaking in Korean around you, well that's something I'd just try to view as a guy watching some sport you don't understand, or talking about some inside work issues with co-workers, or anything else that is unimportant to you to be "in the know" about. It's time for you to daydream and gaze at his face and appreciate that you have him, when that happens.

 

I know I'm not giving any concrete advice, but no one can tell you just how to release yourself from envy and jealousy. You have to find that place in your heart where you feel BLESSED and GRATEFUL to have a great boyfriend who is so demonstrative of his love, with whom you feel sexy, and to focus on those emotions with diligence. When you're grateful, it's hard to be pissed off.

[Kaystar87]

"sleeping with the enemy" made me LOL. I just find it funny that they would be negative towards him for being with a white girl, when most of them have been trying to date the white guys here (and can't).

[Cognitive_Canine]

If they are trying to date white guys, it could be that they have a belief that white is a step up.

 

They see Americans as a step up from Korean. And since he is dating a white girl and not a Korean girl, he is basically "upgrading" and snubbing them. Well, he isn't really doing that but if they think white guys are a better choice than korean guys, that maybe their line of thinking.

[HouseKitten]

I just find it funny that they would be negative towards him for being with a white girl, when most of them have been trying to date the white guys here (and can't).

 

See, that may be exactly why they have a negative attitude towards you. They are jealous that you are crossing a cultural barrier that they can't.

 

We had a German-Korean dentist at my clinic for about a year, and if you didn't know her pretty well then people thought she was cold and snobbish. But that was just how she came accross - she was perfectly nice. Something about the facial structure I think.

[pinkelephant]

See, that may be exactly why they have a negative attitude towards you. They are jealous that you are crossing a cultural barrier that they can't.

 

We had a German-Korean dentist at my clinic for about a year, and if you didn't know her pretty well then people thought she was cold and snobbish. But that was just how she came accross - she was perfectly nice. Something about the facial structure I think.

 

And probably the general understated attitude.

[tiredofvampires]

There is also probably an element here that your boyfriend has, by virtue of choosing a white woman, rejected them. And they'd be fine with that if he was an "average-minded" Korean guy who wanted a typical Korean girl, but perhaps they see him as a more progressive man in ways to have done this, and they feel he has rejected his own (their brand of femininity) by doing so.

[pinkelephant]

"sleeping with the enemy" made me LOL. I just find it funny that they would be negative towards him for being with a white girl, when most of them have been trying to date the white guys here (and can't).

 

Ya, I knew that would make most white people "LOL". Most don't really understand the dynamics between different races and how some would feel about this kind of thing.

 

From this, I'm not sure if it's them or it's you.

One of them, barely even knowing my boyfriend, comes up to him, hits him on the chest, and goes (in Korean) "You've gotten fat" and walks off. She was being a * * * * * to be a * * * * * , and while they all said hey to my bf, not one of them acknowledged me standing beside him. That upsetted him and I both.

 

The first part, I don't see how she was being a ****. I guess it sucks being ignored, but I really don't think it's on purpose. I'm surprised that your bf is taking it hard. Why didn't he introduce you? Did they still ignore you after his introduction?

 

I'm part white myself and nobody has treated me badly due to that fact, although yes, some asians have snubbed me for being "white-washed" but those are the same kind that would never date a white person in the first place. Nobody treat my family badly (in both here and in asia) and most of us are mixed/in interracial relationships.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Ya, I knew that would make most white people "LOL". Most don't really understand the dynamics between different races and how some would feel about this kind of thing.

 

 

I think it's weird for a lot of white Americans as we are taught to diversify. I can't tell you how many essays I had to write on diversity when I applied for college.

 

Meanwhile other cultures are taught to preserve traditions and how important identity is.

[IntotheWild]

You're noting very real differences between Korean girls and yourself - both physical and socially. It's not in your head. But the flaw is in thinking your boyfriend must secretly prefer brand X over brand Y. On the surface this seems logical. Your bf is brand X himself so why shouldn't he want to be on the shelf with other brand X's? The simple answer is for the same reason you don't automatically shelf yourself with other brand Y's. You know all about brand Y because you are brand Y and therefore brand X is more fascinating. Likewise, since he's brand X, he knows all about brand X's and therefore finds brand Y more fascinating.

 

It's important to note that brand X's unique features do not make brand X better than brand Y, but only different. Brand Y has its own unique features and one is not better than the other. It's all about preference. So be confident in your brand Y-ness and try to see the unique things you have to offer that aren't available in brand X. Then you may better understand and believe your bf's attraction to you.

 

This could be one of my most brilliant posts or perhaps the dumbest of all time - I'm not sure.

 

Also, you could learn Korean. It's the easiest of the Asian languages for a westerner to pick up. Get some books or tapes at the library or try Rosetta Stone.

[pinkelephant]

I think it's weird for a lot of white Americans as we are taught to diversify. I can't tell you how many essays I had to write on diversity when I applied for college.

 

Meanwhile other cultures are taught to preserve traditions and how important identity is.

 

Is it weird?

 

I'm sure after that many essays, you have to understand the dynamics between races and WHY it is that white americans are applaud for being essentially humble AND why it is that asian americans (or african or whatever else) have this sort of defense mechanism in place. It's not balanced at all and there IS a balance in there somewhere -- but this isn't it. It's understandable why, but it isn't rational by any means.

 

A lot of people deny racism exist but I experience it daily. So did my mom (as well as other white European immigrants) when she tried to work for a strictly Canadian company.

[lil kitty]

This is weird to say, but most asian guys like to date white female. So you should not feel jealous of them or hate them at all. The reason why those korean girls are rude to you because they are jealous of you. Your Korean boyfriend is very grateful that you, a white female, pick him. Just ignore how those girls treat you. Just be nice to them so they can feel bad for treating you meanly. They will eventually notice that your boyfriend picks you over them because you are genuine and nice, unlike them

[Cognitive_Canine]

Is it weird?

 

I'm sure after that many essays, you have to understand the dynamics between races and WHY it is that white americans are applaud for being essentially humble AND why it is that asian americans (or african or whatever else) have this sort of defense mechanism in place.

 

A lot of people deny racism exist but I experience it daily. So did my mom (as well as other white European immigrants) when she tried to work for a strictly Canadian company.

 

It's not weird but it does change your view when you are reminded how different values can be.

 

I think that because I grew up white, I was taught to be extremely sensitive to other races. Be PC at every corner. I assume other races have had the opposite in that they were taught to be sensitive to racism but that being proud of your culture was the best way to deal with it.

 

My family, like many white american families, were never about stressing culture. I know one branch of my family came over during the potato famine, and that another branch were German farmers that came over during the late 1800's. That's about it. I wouldn't say I'm "proud". It's just my heritage and pride wasn't stressed on me. I've never had to defend it.

[pinkelephant]

It's not weird but it does change your view when you are reminded how different values can be.

 

I think that because I grew up white, I was taught to be extremely sensitive to other races. Be PC at every corner. I assume other races have had the opposite in that they were taught to be sensitive to racism but that being proud of your culture was the best way to deal with it.

 

My family, like many white american families, were never about stressing culture. I know one branch of my family came over during the potato famine, and that another branch were German farmers that came over during the late 1800's. That's about it. I wouldn't say I'm "proud". It's just my heritage and pride wasn't stressed on me. I've never had to defend it.

 

It is unfortunate that you guys have to focus on being PC all the time. It can make people bitter and it solves nothing. I guess it is easier to dance around the issue then to figure out what to do with it though.

 

It's kind of funny too, because when I'm Asia, i have to constantly defend Canada/white people but when I'm in Canada, I find myself constantly defending Asia/Asians. I guess that's why I'm so touchy about racial issues. It's constantly in my face and I'm constantly defending part of myself to a group of people who never seem to quite get it.

[surfdog]

I've been dating my Korean-born Korean boyfriend for a while now and up until I started dating him I had no issues/jealousy over asian women, specifically Korean women. Never thought twice about them, but since I've been dating him, I've developed this weird insecure jealousy over Korean women.

 

 

I think very similar to you. Through my experience people can always find something to be jealous or insecure about when they are in love. I bet if your bf was black, then you'd be jealous of black women....this is because you love him and don't want to loose him. It's natural (I know it sucks though).

 

I'm dating an Asian girl and what runs through my mind is that every guy we walk by has an Asian fetish....that is not true but in my head I believe it ( because I don't want to loose her). Some times we all need reality check. I’m I thinking rationally or irrationally?

 

Like you said in your first post, you never gave Korean women a thought until you dated your bf (that should be your sign that it’s all in your head) same with me…I though my gf was pretty when I first met her but I did not think she was the most beautiful girl in the world….but after falling in love with her, she became the most beautiful girl/woman I know (then I started with the irrational thinking). That’s what love does to someone…..that’s my point about not giving the Koreans a thought…you’re in love…

 

It’s way to easy to get caught up in our own minds.

[annie24]

I don't know a whole lot about the asian culture, but I agree about the jealousy issue. They are jealous that you are with him and not one of them. It's their problem.

 

I wouldn't worry over it though, and DON'T be jealous of them. It isn't worth your mental energy. Your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be. He has told you how he feels and that's what you should think about.

 

yes, i agree 100%.

[Kaystar87]

I like your post, it made a lot of sense to me, and if my post is brilliant or dumb, I wouldn't know, I wasn't trying for ether---just writing about some feelings I have on an issue in my life

[Kaystar87]

I agree with you, love makes you think irrationally. You're right, I just love him so much I'm highly protective over him and that makes me feel jealous. So when I see Korean girls talking with him and the "home land comadrie" they share because their both from Korea, it makes me jealous, because in that sense I am an outsider and always will be. However, I know he probably feels the same when we're with a group of americans and I'm speaking English so fluently and he still struggles with it. But you guys are right, it doesn't matter because we love each other and because we are different, it makes us more attractive to each other. I love that he's asian and Korean, he's much more fascinating than if he were white and American, and we both value the same values.

[Kaystar87]

This is weird to say, but most asian guys like to date white female. So you should not feel jealous of them or hate them at all. The reason why those korean girls are rude to you because they are jealous of you. Your Korean boyfriend is very grateful that you, a white female, pick him. Just ignore how those girls treat you. Just be nice to them so they can feel bad for treating you meanly. They will eventually notice that your boyfriend picks you over them because you are genuine and nice, unlike them

 

I like your advice "be nice to them", I think that's the higher, better road and it makes me the better person. I'm often tempted to give them a dose of their own attitude right back, but you're right, being nice despite their attitudes is the best thing.