Does love have to sting?

[jennymonoor]

allow me to introduce myself. I'm a twenty-two year old female who recently graduated from college, got a car and a new place. From the outside everything appears fine, in fact, my resume looks impecible. What goes on in the inside is a totally different story. I grew up in a not so functional family without a strong father figure and no siblings. Coming from a middle eastern family did not help matters any, my mother insists that I stick to my "tradition" even though I've been raised in the U.S. anyhow, her lack of assimiliation and unwillingness to participate in general teenage acitivites (dating, partying etc.) resulted in some SERIOUS repercussions in my life. Namely, man who I considered to me the man of dreams turned out to be a nightmare. I honestly think I would have seen the real him, had I dated in my previous years. So here I am, 22 and divorced.

It was so hard for me to leave this man, but when you have to choose between your life or death, well the choice i made is obvious because I'm sitting here typing! After my breakup with him, the WORLD convinced me that I needed therapy for the trauma I experienced. I just needed to establish my financial independance. I've done it!

Yeay. I also met a GREAT guy who i genuinly love. He is so great and he has many of the qualities I consider "ideal." The problem: My mother is a control freak and is trying to ruin his life and mine to keep us apart because she's convinced that he's not good enough for me. I disagree with her tremendously. She even went as far as getting him in trouble at his workplace. I cut all ties with her after she did this because she TOTALLY CROSSED the line.

So I am seeking advice to 1) see what to do with my mother

2) try and iron things out with my new guy because I don't want to loose him. I feel like I really pushed him away in the initally phases of our relationship befause we started as friends, and I confided in him about my previous relationship blues. I also tried NOT to let myself get involved with him but our feelings overtook me. So now I AM involved and I genuinly in love with this man, but he's scared to trust me as a result of all this times I sat there and convinced him that I hate men and will never love again. What do I do to convince him that I DO love him and WANT to be involved with him?

I appreciate all you advice.

[mermayd]

Hi there. I am sorry to hear these troubles of yours. You have had quite a tough experience with all of this, I am sure. I think that you are absolutely right that you may not have had to experience the troubles that you did with your ex, had you had some other experience to compare to, mistakes to learn from. Im not sure if my advice will be exatly what you are looking for but I hope that it will help in some way.

1) My mother is a control freak as well. I can relate in this aspect. I would talk to your mom and let her know that this is YOUR life and that YOU need to be the one to lead it. I know this may sound harsh, but you need to put your foot down and let her know this. The man that you married was ok by her standards, yet turned out to be awful?? Ask her what that says about her standards and what she sees as being important in a relationship/marraige. I am not sure if your heritage is this way or not, but I know that in some cultures the woman, traditionally, is to stay at home and raise her children and keep the home. I do not find this to be right, wrong, or indifferent. It is one's culture and tradition. However, if this is traditionally how your heritage is, maybe your mother is opposed to the independence that you have created and feels that you should find a man that will take care of you rather than you both caring for eachother. Maybe this isn't an aspect at all...

Let your mom know that her standards are not the same as hers. She has lived her life the way she chose to and she should respect you to live yours. (My mother tries to fix the mistakes that she made by telling me how to live my life...sort of like she is reliving her youth through me...maybe your mom is doing the same..?) Inform her that she is doing nothing but causing aggrivation and she is on the border of losing her daughter if she continues this behavior. However, if she were to just clench her teeth and bear with YOUR decisions, then the two of you could continue to have a relationship, rather than none at all.

2) Assure your bf that you love him more than you assured him that you were never going to be hurt again. Tell him all the time. Sit down and talk to him and tell him that you were wounded and scarred by what happened in your previous relationship, but that you are trying as hard as you can to voercome it and not compare this relationship to the last. Reassure him that he is nothing like your ex and that you love him like you have never loved anyone. Let him know that you are aware that it is hard for him, but that you are doing what you can to heal yourself. Just communicate with him and express your fears and your progress.

 

I hope this helps somewhat. good luck!

[Tameran]

First of all, let me say that I admire the heck out of you for having the strength to start a new life over on your own, to show the WORLD that you were perfectly capable of handling yourself, and doing so using your OWN inner-strength.

 

It seems to me that your past has a lot to do with your current predicament. Not only is it the link that seems to have initially brought you and Mr Right to have a dialogue, it's probably also the reason why your mom tries so hard to keep you safe. From where I stand, it seems that she might feel bad about LETTING you get hurt the first time (conservative people tend to reason that way), and that she wants to protect her little girl from further harm. That being said, what she did was unconscionable; I personally would never forgive either one of my parents for crossing that line... In the reality of facts, I haven't. The only thing I can recommend is to keep in mind that she most probably did it for what seemed, in her perception, to be your best interest.

 

This new man in your life is obviously very important to you; you felt confortable enough to confide in him when you needed moral support, and even though you might think he's under the impression you're not ready to get involved, I think he's probably on to the fact that you like him. But you're very right to think that he's probably overwhelmed by the opposing nature of what you're telling him. Here's an idea that might make things easier: just tell him how you feel. You'd be surprised at how very effective pure honesty can be. Games and signals can overwhelm guys (being one myself, I'd know...), especially when they overlap and seem to contradict one another. Given your history with this person, and his knowledge of your past relationship, it's more likely that EVEN if he likes you, he's very confused and scared about approaching you. It might also go a long way toward restoring his trust in you, and to show him that you'd be ready to consider building a relationship with him.

 

Best of luck, and I know that if anyone has the courage to go through with it, it's you

[jennymonoor]

Thanks to all you of for your great advice. Its amazing how reading different opinions can help put things in perspective. Since I last wrote, many things have happened. First, I am giving myself space from my mother. I need to deal with her actions and I really don't see myself forgiving her for crossing the line anytime soon. Besides, it seems like she tries and harp our "tradition and culture" in my ear everytime she sees me and I don't want myself to be influenced by peer pressure when I know what I'm doing is right, in my heart. There is no doubt in my mind that the guy i've met is "the one," and I decided not to let anyone get in the way, especially when they have no justifiable reason for rejecting. 2) My efforts on the day I left numerous messages on his machine, did not prove uselss afterall. In one of my messages, I told him to stop by my place if he needed to talk. Having not heard from him the whole day, I assumed he wouldn't come over, so I had my girlfriend come over to stay with me that night, I really didn't want to be alone that night, so much had happened. To both of our surprises, he randomly came knocking on the door later in the evening. We didn't get to talk because my friend was there, so we all went to dinner. I think this gave us a chance to just appreciate one anothers company without digging into our problems. He left that night and we met for coffee the next day. Then he opened up and told me how hurt he was by everything, mostly by me when I told him I needed to end the relationship. I've never seen him that emotional before. I felt aweful. I usually don't say things out of irrationality, but that day, there was just so much happening. Not to mention the fact that we've been talking about pregnancy and starting a family together, the thought of having this conversation and becoming pregnant, all to have my mate ignore me when problems arise, was just too much for me to handle. Anyhow, after spending a quiet weekend together and just talking and reflecting, we've decided on strenthening our relationship and taking some serious steps.

He's very open-minded, educated and artistic. He is very confident in his beliefs and does not adhere to dogma, I find this to be one of his most attractive features. I disagree with many elements of my culture, while I agree with others. At this point in my life, others perception of me does not play a significant role in my decision making process. I am learning to make decisions based on what makes ME happy, rather than what is expected of me from my family and middle-eastern circle. Its really hard to go against the grain, but I refuse to conform to a set of out-dated and irrational social laws, that I see as being as nothing more than conventional and obstrusive to my happiness. So what if other middle-easters do things a certain way, this does not make it right. I see my way, though different than their norm, as right, because it makes me happy. So i've decided to pursue my relationship and start a family because I feel ready to. All my life, I've wanted to be a young mom, but these days, it seems like women are discouraged from doing so, as though it will thwart their professional efforts. I see this as a direct outlash of the feminine movement. Anywayz, so I see it as a dual challenge to not only explain this to my family, but to my peers as well, for they are not even remotely interested in starting families because their so absorbed in their careers. I think I can do both, I mean, I've come this far right! Besides, my bf is a huge support.

So here is my dillema: 1) Please please please convince me that it IS ok to have a child and not be married. We know we will be together and hope to get married later on. But we don't see it right to get married JUST because we're having a baby together (if we are). We are not questioning our love or loyalty. 2) When one makes up their mind and they in their heart and mind that it IS the right decision, how do they stand up for what they believe and follow through with their decision, despite the rejections they face from their other loved ones?

Maybe I'm blowing this whole thing our of proportion, I mean, if it makes you happy, you should do it. I'm not doing anything wrong, I mean, I have fallen in love (true love), am mature enough to know it, am independent, the man i love is mature and independent and we want to have a baby. So we're not getting married before having the kid, are we committing a crime here people? I appreciate your great advice in helping me gain perspective on this "modern" relationship. Sorry this note is soo long, I have a lot of my mind!

[mermayd]

What do feel in your heart is the right decision? Obviously, it is to be with this wonderful man that you love so deeply and whom loves you as much as you do him...to have a family togther, and to commit yourselves. As far as the marraige thing goes, it is societally unaccepted in a general sense, but at the same time...this is YOUR life and you need to do what pleases YOU...not society. Who cares what they think. You'll be happy with your decision, right?

Marraige is a commitment of the heart. You vow to be with that person for the rest of your life. You can make this committment and this vow without having to get married right now. I eman, the marraige really is just a traditional celebration of a couples love and gives you a paper that states that you are bound legally to eachother...so the committment is hard to break in a marraige. That is kind of a skewed perception, I know, but the point is that you can make all of the necessary vows to eachother w/o having to get married if you dont want to right now. The only reason I would praise a marraige before or soon after the child is born is b/c you have gone through that process and there is really no way of getting out of the realtionship...or it would be hard. Now, I am NOT saying that you two would separate or anything of that sort, what I mean is that things can fall apart more easily without that certificate than with it. I just am hopeful for the baby to be guaranteed a warm loving home. If you know in your heart that this is how things would be (which it sounds like you do) then you go for it and do what your heart says! I wish the best to you, your mate, and your baby to come. All the happiness to you.