In an awkward position...suggestions?

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi All --

 

This post is not about me, per se, but about a close friend of mine and an awkward situation I have found myself in because of something she asked me to do.

 

A friend of mine received an e-mail from someone claiming to be a former student of hers (she teaches college also) who admitted he had a huge crush on her, that he thought she was "amazing," etc. He went on to say that he knows she is married -- or that she at least WAS married (she still is) but that he had to "give it a shot" anyway and tell her that she had popped into his mind several times recently. The e-mail was anonymous in the sense that the guy did not sign his name, and his e-mail address was generic and gave no hint as to who he is. My friend thinks she knows -- there was a student a few years ago that she was pretty sure had a crush on her, and she admitted to me that she was attracted to him as well. Nothing ever happened, of course, because she was his teacher AND because she was/is married with a family, but she said that there was definitelys something *there.* -- a rapport that she didn't have with other students.

 

So...my friend showed me the e-mail and told me that she was planning on writing him back to ask who he is. My first question to her, after reading his e-mail (which to me was DEFINTIELY a fishing expedition to get her to say whether or not she is still married and/or to detect if she has any interest in him) was "What if it IS the student you think it is? What will you do with that information?" She paused and said she didn't know. I talked to her about what she thought it would accomplish to establish contact with this person if indeed it was the former student that she thought it was -- what she saw happening if she established that it was indeed him. She said she didn't know. I also asked her to think about whether or not she would be willing to tell her husband that she responded to this guy, and if not, she seriously needed to consider whether it was an apppropriate thing to do. She said she would not. I also asked her to think about why she would even consider responding to begin with, considering that she has been married for over 15 years (and as far as I can tell, it's been a solid marriage) and has three beautiful children. She admitted that she has been going through a rough time with a terminally ill parent, AND she admitted that the ego boost in knowing that this person was really attracted to her was a factor. I talked with her about both of these things and suggested that not responding was probably the best thing to do. She wasn't convinced. I could not talk her out of responding, no matter how hard I tried -- and I tried for the better part of an hour, from every angle I could think of.

 

So...this is where I come in. She had me help her compose an e-mail to this guy and send it -- a very brief, concise message asking him if he would consider revealing his identity (because she had had so many students and had no idea who he was), and telling him that, while she was flattered by the compliment, she IS indeed married and has a family, and that, therefore, she can't reciprocate beyond just saying "thank you." I REALLY had to reign her in on this message -- she wanted to be A LOT more friendly and go into a LOT more detail, but I kept it to a couple of very succinct sentences. I sent it from an e-mail address that we created for her, one that she does not have access to because I have the password. (We did this so she wouldn't be tempted to respond on impulse and get herself into a REALLY sticky situation). She asked me to check it from time to time and to let her know if there was a response. Well, tonight, there was one. THe guy did NOT reveal his name, and told her he did not feel comfortable doing so, but that he wanted to reiterate how wonderful he thinks she is, etc. He said he suspected that she was just being polite in her message, and that she might actually be disgusted with his admission of feelings for her, etc. He added in a p.s. a question about why she had responded from a different e-mail address than the one he had originally written to. Yikes.

 

Ok, so here's my dilemma: I'm seriously considering deleting this guy's e-mail and either a) Telling her he didn't respond; or b) Telling her he responded but that he admitted he was embarrassed and would still not reveal his name (which is partly true). I know that both are lies, technically, and I HATE the idea of lying to a friend, but...gahhhh....what a mess! Clearly, he still wants a response from her (hence his question at the end), and I am afraid that if I tell her exactly what he said, she will not let this go and will want to write him again. She is going through a very vulnerable time with her mother being terminally ill, and she admitted that, under different circumstances, she probably would just let it go and just be flattered that someone found her attractive.

 

Any suggestions? Please, no lectures about helping her respond to this guy. I did NOT want to do it, but if I hadn't, she would have done it on her own, and I shudder to think what she would have written and the damage she could have potentially cause to her family if this all got out of hand. She ran by me several things she had been thinking of writing to him, and all of them would have been treading into very shaky territory, IMO. Her husband knew about the first e-mail the guy sent and told her to immediately respond to it telling him "I am happily married, please refrain from contacting me again," so he would be devastated -- and probably quite angry -- if he knew that she took this any further -- and with good reason, I think.

 

Thoughts? Should I tell her he never wrote back? Or, should I tell her he did, but that he still wouldn't identify himself, and that he was embarrassed to do so, and leave it at that? Should I just tell her, word for word, what he said? I'm really worried that if I do the wrong thing, she will do the wrong thing, and I would hate to see her jeopardize her family in a moment of weakness and vulnerability. She has a really good husband and a wonderful family.

 

Thanks all, for any advice you can provide.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can't save her from herself. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is not content with her marriage. Having a terminally ill parent is heartbreaking but does not lead someone to contemplate cheating on their husband for an ego boost if her marriage is that rock solid. There is something else going on in her marriage that she is not telling you. If she really wants an ego boost to escape her problems (likely marriage problems, not the issue with her parent) then she will find another way to cheat and you won't be able to stop her. I think you should get yourself out of this situation. Print out the email, give it to her and let her make her own decisions. The more you get involved, the worse it will be for you, because I don't think she is being totally honest with you about her motivations. She already had a wandering eye with the student who may or may not be this guy. Also, I think she should not be responding at all. It is very creepy that this guy won't even reveal himself. But that is her headache not yours. You tried your best but now you need to let it go..give her a copy of the email and let the whole thing be on her conscience, not yours.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you should tell her he doesn't want her to know who he is. And then get out of her nasty little game.

[jumborabbit]

I can see your trying to keep her out of trouble, which is commendable on your part , yet you should just tell her, your making a huge mistake and having a terminally ill loved one does not usually make someone think about infidelity, or maybe its just me, your friend is using this as an excuse to possibly cheat on her spouse, who has been there for fifteen years and stuck by her through thick and thin I assume by you saying they have a solid marriage. So she has no reason to look elsewhere for comfort other than for her own ego trip,which is selfish to put her own petty praise me worship me tell me how pretty I am wants ahead of her family and there well being,which is a very stupid reason to screw up a good marriage, but thats usually how it goes, you dont think about how good you have it until you screw it up, and its not there anymore,then you beg and plead for forgiveness and then you blame your spouse later down the road because they just cant look at you the same anymore and so it becomes the innocent ones fault for the marriage failure because they just couldnt get over the hurt and couldnt find trust for you again. so I would tell your friend,to think how it would make her feel if it were the other way around and her husband was up to this same thing behind her back and tell her to be thankful and happy for what she has and forget about this email and let it go before she damages the good thing she has for a fling and her selfish ego. Also, how do you know for sure that the husband didnt write this email to see if she is doing something behind his back, has she given him any reason to be suspicious of her activities? If so, he may have wrote this mail to see how she would respond. Smack your friend upside the head and knock some sense into her before its to late

[jenny_mcs]

I think it was a mistake yo get involved at all. You should never have set up the email address or helped her draft the response yo her secret admirerer. Like another poster said, print out the email and give it to her. You can still give advice to her, if she asks for it, but you need to get out of the middle of this ridiculous situation.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, CAD. I am definitely taking myself out of this. I've never been married, so I admit that I don't know about all the ups and downs of marriage, and I don't know all the specifics of their marriage, but they have been married for a long time (by today's standards, at least), and have had three children, and I suspect that this fixation may be partly a manifestation of boredom with her life and marriage. In regard to the "wandering eye" thing, I don't think my friend ever did intend to cheat on her husband, and I really don't think she ever would cheat, physically. My concern is that she would get into some sort of emotional correspondence with this guy, and that IS at least a precursor to cheating, if not a type of cheating in itself.

 

I will take your suggestions to heart. I appreciate your response.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you should tell her he doesn't want her to know who he is. And then get out of her nasty little game.

 

I am definitely getting out of it. As I mentioned, I feel like crap about even getting involved to begin with. In a way, though, I am glad I did, as I acted as something of a voice of reason here. I agree she shouldn't have responded at all, though, and it concerns me that she felt compelled to, even despite my advice. I am also concerned that her therapist, when told about the e-mail, advised her to write back a friendly response and did NOT encourage her to tell him never to contact again.

 

I do feel like I have to defend my friend a bit here: I think she is extremely misguided in this situation (she is normally extremely rational and pragmatic), and I think the fact that she came to me to begin with before responding indicates that she knows she isn't thinking clearly and needs guidance. Despite what a few responders have said, I DO think that her mother's impending death (it will be happening any time now, by my best guess), is a factor in her flawed decision-making. I have not lost a parent yet (thank God), but my understanding is that it is one of the most significant losses a person will ever experience. My friend has been grieving for months now, even before her mother's death. Having known my friend as long as I have, and having known her to be extremely stable, rational, loyal (to her husband AND to everyone else of importance to her), I think her behavior here is an anomaly.

 

That said, anomaly or no, it isn't right, and it isn't good for her or her family. I think I know what to do here. I appreciate all of the responses I have received.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think it was a mistake yo get involved at all. You should never have set up the email address or helped her draft the response yo her secret admirerer. Like another poster said, print out the email and give it to her. You can still give advice to her, if she asks for it, but you need to get out of the middle of this ridiculous situation.

 

I already acknowledged that I should not have gotten involved -- I noted in my original post that I did not need to be reminded of my mistake. At the time, I was worried that NOT getting involved would make things worse. Whether that is true or not is anyone's guess. At the time, I felt strongly that this was the case, so I went with what I felt at the time.

 

I appreciate your response. I will remove myself from the situation and continue to advise her if she asks for help.

[browneyedgirl36]

You've made a lot of great points here; my friend acknowledged that she was pretty sure that the ego boost was a lot of the reason she even considered responding. Definitely NOT a good reason, but a very common one. I have told her most of what you've said, but some of it may bear repeating.

 

Knowing my friend as I do, I do not think she would cheat on her husband. In response to your question, no, she has never given him any reason to think she would. I think she knows what she has, and I think she wants to keep it. I think she is not thinking totally rationally right now, though, which is why she came to me to begin with.

 

Thank you for your response!

[CBG]

I'm not sure why you seem so confident she wouldn't cheat...she left the door open for cheating when she said she didn't know what she would do if she found out it was the student she had a thing for. I would get away from this as fast as possible. If it does go bad, you could easily become her scapegoat.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm not sure why you seem so confident she wouldn't cheat...she left the door open for cheating when she said she didn't know what she would do if she found out it was the student she had a thing for. I would get away from this as fast as possible. If it does go bad, you could easily become her scapegoat.

 

Thanks for your response. I suppose she COULD cheat -- people say that anyone could, under certain circumstances (not sure I believe that, though) -- but I am basing my feelings on the how well I know her; for her to put her family in jeopardy, she would have to have completely gone off her rocker, and I don't think she has. I think she is emotional, confused, and her feelings are out of whack, but the fact that she came to me about this -- and, by her own admission, that she KNEW I would do whatever I could to discourage her - IMO, points to her knowing that this situation could be a recipe for disaster.

 

I am removing myself from this situation, for sure. I will be talking to her today, and I plan to tell her that, while I am happy to lend an ear if she needs someone to listen, I will not be taking part in anymore e-mail correspondence.

[CBG]

for her to put her family in jeopardy, she would have to have completely gone off her rocker

 

I think she is emotional, confused, and her feelings are out of whack

Just my thoughts from my personal experience...these two descriptions are not that far apart. You know your friend a lot better than any of us obviously, however, her decision making process has clearly been flawed of late. If she takes this any further, it will almost certainly end badly for somebody. Regardless of whether she would physically cheat, she is close to cheating emotionally and the longer it goes on the more likely her husband finds out. When you talk to her reiterate and ask her if she is fine with taking a chance on losing her family.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One thing I have learned in life...sometimes people do things that you would never in a million years have expected them to do. I have heard of SINGLE, UNATTACHED people who lose parents and feel vulnerable so they latch on to the next man (or woman) who pays attention to them in order to feel comfort....BUT a woman who is supposedly happily married would have her husband to get comfort from...not embark on a flirtation with someone. The stage was set when this guy was her student...she developed an interest then but didn't want to jeopardize her job...now that it won't jeopardize her job, she wants to pursue it...this has nothing to do with her emotions over her ailing parent..this has to do with the stage that was already set in the past..the interest in this guy...now she wants to know if it is the same one so she could pursue what she didn't dare to in the past because of her job.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks CAD. You make some good points. Knowing my friend as I do, though, I don't think her mother's impending death is NOT an influence on all of this. I have known this friend for almost as long as she has been married, and I have never seen her as vulnerable as I have since she learned that her mother was dying a few months ago. I am not saying this is the ONLY factor, but I think it is causing her to not think as rationally as she would normally. I also do not believe that her marriage is unhappy, but I do get the sense that her life has become routine -- work, kids, taking care of a household -- and that this person's attentions made her feel attractive and interesting, something she admits she hasn't felt in awhile because she and her husband lead very hectic lives now and don't have a lot of time to spend alone together to further nurture their relationship.

 

Again, I'm just basing all of this off of what I know of her. I know her very well, but of course, I could be wrong about some of this -- I don't know.

 

Anyway, there's an update to this: I have heard from my friend this morning, and she is aware of the student's response to the e-mail we sent, and she will not be pursuing it further.

 

Thanks, CAD, and everyone else who responded!