My recon experience (long)

[Nappyloxs]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

 

Well here is an update of my situation and the things I think I learned from this experience.

 

We'll those who have followed my story know that my ex. and I broke up in August and strict NC on her part until December. In December, we started speaking again. In fact, she moved back into the house in December.

 

Well yesterday, she closed on her own house. I have talked about this in previous threads. Some people argued that she is independent, its an investment, etc....

 

Well this was I felt about it. We have lived together for the previous 3 years we were together (give or take a few months). I already own a home. Why have separate bills? I planned on us getting married within the next 3 years.

 

Basically, yesterday, all of the love I had for her physically left my body. I knew I would be sad, but I did not expect to actually feel it disappear. I had nothing to say to her, but congratulations. She slept over again, and I just couldn't be around her. Not that I didn't want, I just couldn't. I did not even want to sleep in my own bed. I physically could not touch her, because I did not want that memory anymore, I could not say I love her, because I did not feel it anymore.

 

Some people previously have said I was being controlling. I wasn't. I am so far from controlling. It just did not make sense to me for both of us to own a home after 3 years already being together. I understand her view, I really do. She says she understands mine, but in the end, like everything else in our relationship, we are on opposite sides.

 

Everything just came together yesterday. She was always negative with me, she has tried to work on it. She always had these expectation of me, that I am suppose to provide for her, that I am not working hard enough, that I am suppose to be a handiman, mechanic, etc... She always wanted her own, freedom, independence. She never could accept that my family helps me because they want the best for me and because they have been in my shoes. She never could understand things from my point of view and she just had different expectations of what a relationship is.

 

My expectations were different. She occasionally cooked and always cleaned, but I never expected it from her. Never asked her to do it, always thanked her for doing it. My expectation were that she just understands and support that I am trying to start my own business. I admit even financially. I don't want her money or expect to live off of her. Just since we lived together, pay half off the expenses; don't complain about it but do it because you want to. I paid without complaining when she made little money or was unemployed. I expected her to have the same goals and dreams of the relationship I have. To be married, to have children, to do things together, to work hard in the relationship and for each other.

 

To a degree, I feel like the house was a slap in my face. She always complained about paying half the bills and "rent" when living with me. Honestly, it came out to less than her mortgage is now. I just feel like her decision is "screw you, I don't want to live with you, I don't want to help you, I rather be on my own." People can say I am taking it to personal or that I want her money, but this is just simply how I feel. Am I not allow to also feel? I don't want her money. I just want us to live together and to contribute equitable.

 

Since she bought the house, she says now she feels complete, she has her freedom, her independence. Her wanting independence and freedom was part of the reason why the relationship failed in the first place. The house, instead of the relationship, makes her feel complete. It was the opposite for me, I felt complete with her, not because of my house.

 

It hurts knowing that she is happy because of the house and it completes her and not me. Feeling like everything I learned, changed, and have still was not good enough for her.

 

She says she knows she can make buying the house work, but the relationship she was unsure about. I was sure we could make the relationship work if both of us wanted too. But now I see, that it is doomed to fail. Her desire for independence, freedom, and that she is not sure it will work.

 

Some people will say that if I loved her so much, I should have proposed. My theory on marriage is that its just a symbol. I must know that the woman will means it when she takes the vows. Not just say them. My ex. felt the opposite, that things change when you get married. I want to know for sure that the woman has my back/is my partner before marriage, she felt like she does not really need to until they are married. My ex. says she would not have had a problem paying half the bills/helping me if we were married. While I paid for everything before marriage when I had it simply because I loved her.

 

My friends brought up very good points, why should she reap the rewards when she did not contribute? They suggest that my business is also hers. Once it is highly profitable, she would have been the one who benefits from it. She never helped promote it, she never understood or supported it. She just complained that I was not working hard enough, and not making enough money. She always thinks of the short term. With the house, with my business. I think of both short term, the long term, and how they relate.

 

So to cut it short: I learned a lot from this experience. I had this dream and hope that we would get back together, that we would both change for the better for relationship, that we would get married and spend the rest of lives together as a better and stronger couple. I did become a better person when it comes to relationship. She became a better person when it comes to being independent. But we don't work together. We are always at opposite ends. I know now it wasn't meant to be. That I want something different and that she cannot be that person. I want someone who is understanding and looks at things from different angles and points of views. I want someone who appreciates what they have. I want someone who after 3 months apart would have learned on their own what they did wrong in the relationship. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. I want someone who wants the same goals out of the relationship. Who understands that sometimes a relationship has ups and downs and works through them and does not constantly run from them.

 

I know so many of you want to get back with your exes. But remember that they have to learn to change on their own and that some parts of them will always remain the same. Let them come back to you, don't chase them. My ex. learned to become more independent during our time apart; I am not mad at her for it. But she did not learn anything about why our relationship failed before. I had to guide her on everything. Yet, still some things just remained the same if not different. She wanted her independence before; now she fully has it. I am happy for her as an individual. But it created constant problems in our relationship. (FYI, I have been through a woman wanting independence in previous relationship and they all failed. There is a reason for the saying that when to people love each other, they are one).

 

If they come back, they have to be fully committed to reconciliation as you are. There is a reason when people are in a relationship they make a "commitment." It's more than just not having sex with other people. Its both people working hard to make the relationship better and stronger everyday. Not once a week, once a month, but every single day. That commitment means sometimes sacrificing individual wants/desires for the benefit of the relationship. A relationship/reconicilation is no different than anything else in life; work, sports, education, etc... You have to work hard at it to be successful in it. For some people, it may be a little easier, but still there is always something that you have to work hard at.

 

Did ex. and I get better? Yes, we communicated more and better. We listened to relationship books, we went to couples counseling, we went out together more, we actually got along great when together. But in the end, we wanted opposite things. I always love my exes. and remain friends with them after some time. I am a little sad in that all the dreams/goals I had for the past 4 months no longer exist. But I am happy in knowing that there must be someone else out there for me. I haven't exactly come to grips with that new belief, but I will.

 

Many of you who know my story may be surprised that I have basically given up. Well, I feel empty again. I have her, yet I still feel totally empty now. She does not have the same goals/wants/desire, I have in the relationship. Like I said earlier, it takes to people being committed to reconciliation/relationship. I don't think she is committed, I think she is just "going with the flow." Everything has come together, I know now that certain traits in her will not change and that we will simply go around and around in circles. Its not that I don't love her anymore, but at the same time, the love that I once had is now gone. I can't do anything for her. Its not that I don't want to, I just can't. I really cannot even look at her. I can't even say I love her anymore, I can't kiss her, hug her, or even touch her. I have nothing more to really say to her. I am empty. It really is that I have gotten my heart broken all over again. But this time is different because there is no desire to want to be with her anymore.

 

In the end, I know that we love each other, but we just are not compatible. She wants what I cannot give and has expectation that I cannot fulfill and vis versa. She tries to show she loves me by cleaning (she use to cook, but not much anymore). She never realized that I do not care about that; I don't want or need a housewife. I show her love by paying attention and through speaking, she wants it through actions such as repairing things. We just love different. I was willing to try and love her the way she wanted, but I don't think she was willing to love me the way I wanted. (FYI, read 5 love language; breaks it down better than I did). I think that a relationship takes hard work, sacrifice, forgiveness, and much more. She thinks that it is just suppose to be smooth. As I said before, we are just opposites.

 

Some people think she made a mistake and tell me that I just have to let her learn it on her own. Honestly, I don't want her making that costly of a mistake.

 

Many people have said that a house is an investment (I say that a relationship is also an investment and that a house is not the best investment or even the safest). See financially, I know it is a great time for buyers, low prices and $8000 tax credit. But buying isn't for everyone. Also, with the tax credit, you have to live in the house for 3 years or else you must pay it back. (This was one of my problems, I planned for us to be married within that time). Ex. is taking the $8000. Sure she could pay it back, but I don't want her to go through with the trouble. Maybe we could work things out and then she would move back in and rent out the other house. But I don't want her to go through the trouble of finding and dealing with renters, or worst, selling the home for a lost. I don't every want her to make mistakes. God knows that I make enough of them.

[melrich]

She was always negative with me, she has tried to work on it. She always had these expectation of me, that I am suppose to provide for her, that I am not working hard enough, that I am suppose to be a handiman, mechanic, etc... She always wanted her own, freedom, independence. She never could accept that my family helps me because they want the best for me and because they have been in my shoes. She never could understand things from my point of view and she just had different expectations of what a relationship is.

 

All her bad.

 

My expectations were different. She occasionally cooked and always cleaned, but I never expected it from her. Never asked her to do it, always thanked her for doing it. My expectation were that she just understands and support that I am trying to start my own business. I admit even financially. I don't want her money or expect to live off of her. Just since we lived together, pay half off the expenses; don't complain about it but do it because you want to. I paid without complaining when she made little money or was unemployed. I expected her to have the same goals and dreams of the relationship I have. To be married, to have children, to do things together, to work hard in the relationship and for each other.

 

All your good.

 

To be honest, I think you need this seperation and I hope time gives you some more balanced perspective on things. In this day and age, most people strive for financial independence and I think that is an issue you are going to have to address for yourself.

[Nappyloxs]

 

To be honest, I think you need this seperation and I hope time gives you some more balanced perspective on things. In this day and age, most people strive for financial independence and I think that is an issue you are going to have to address for yourself.

 

Thanks, I do too! The first separation, was all about her and how to improve for her and in relationships in general. I discovered what relationships are about (to a degree) and what I need to do to improve as a person in a relationship.

 

This separation is going to be about me. I realize that I invested too much into a dream. I don't mind her desire for financial independence, but there are several ways to go about it. Now, its time for me to rediscover myself and work on my other goals and dreams besides the ones that dealt with her. Those are over to me now.

[RougeKali823]

She sounds like a very independent woman and to be quite honest, I felt like I was reading about myself and my ex. You had your plan and she had hers and I think the best thing that came from this is you having learned what it is that you want in a partner.

[quirky]

I'm really sad to hear that because I have followed your story and I was hoping my advice was valuable. If you went councelling and read things together it shows that she wanted to sort it out no?

 

What are the opposite things you wanted? She wanted a safety (the house). She was afraid to rely on you again and I can understand that. Maybe because she had doubts. What do you think you wanted that she couldn't reciprocate?

 

It looks to me you both tried, maybe focused on your separate issues too much. Maybe there's too much fear, maybe too much has gone on.

[zinny]

I don't know enough about your personal circumstances to make a comment on whether I think this is or is not the right thing for you... But all I can say that it takes a lot of courage for you to see beyond what you feel... and know what you need to do and I applaud you for that...

 

I hope everything works out for you in the end....

[Nappyloxs]

She sounds like a very independent woman and to be quite honest, I felt like I was reading about myself and my ex. You had your plan and she had hers and I think the best thing that came from this is you having learned what it is that you want in a partner.

 

She is trying to find her independence and what she wants in life. There really is a lot to the story, but basically she is trying to find it. I respect her for it, but (don't get me wrong on this) depending on the type of independence, independence can be bad for relationships.

 

You're right about the best thing. Honestly, I think I held this girl up on pedestal too much. I kept believing she could be someone she isn't. I thought she could change, not that want was trying, but that she could just change because she wanted to.

 

I know believe that I can just find what I want. If she has to change so much (and me too) then, it isn't right. There must be someone out there who does need to change and I don't need to change for them.

 

I'm really sad to hear that because I have followed your story and I was hoping my advice was valuable. If you went councelling and read things together it shows that she wanted to sort it out no?

 

What are the opposite things you wanted? She wanted a safety (the house). She was afraid to rely on you again and I can understand that. Maybe because she had doubts. What do you think you wanted that she couldn't reciprocate?

 

It looks to me you both tried, maybe focused on your separate issues too much. Maybe there's too much fear, maybe too much has gone on.

 

As far as the counseling and audio books (easier to do), kind of. She did not want to go to the counseling. She did like it after we got out and thought it was a good idea. But as normal, she complained that it was too expensive (although I paid for it, she still complained about how much it cost).

 

The book, I don't think she really understood it. It brought out difference in the way we love each other, but to her it was more like she wants some to love her the way she wants and appreciate the way she loves. Instead of compromising and understanding that it is okay to love in different ways.

 

You're absolutely right as normal!!! She wanted safety, she had doubts, etc... Here is one thing I mentioned to her though, she has fears and doubts about the house, but she pushed them aside knowing that she "can make it work", yet if she had the same attitude about the relationship; she would not have such a negative view.

 

Why did she comeback and say she wants to try to work on things, but not from a clean slate, she still holds all these things from the past. In order for it to work, she would have to let go of all the pain from the past. I understand it would take time and effort, but still, I don't want to wait 3 years and put effort into a relationship when the other person is not. I have already been with her for 3 years, and look at where we are. Do I want to wonder again for another 3 years whether she is the right one? No, I believed it for the past 4 months. She chose to go a different route.

 

I hate to say it, but she wants to "have-her-cake-and-eat-it-too." She wants to have her freedom and independence, and have me to fall back to when she is lonely, wants to do something, needs something fixed. Yet, what effort is she going to put into it? I can tell you. Nothing. The minute I don't do something she wants. She will be like its over. She constantly runs or says she can find better almost every time I did not do what she wanted or expected.

 

See, I was thinking about this today. She has her safety net in this house now. Good. She has always been a runner in our relationship. Anytime things got too heated, she ran. Me, I would just go into a different room and try to cool down. Now, anytime things get even remotely difficult in the relationship, she is going to run to her own place and only come back if and when she wants too.

 

I definitely am tired of all this crap!!! Relationships are really quite simple; they should not be this difficult. Yesterday, I helped her get her moving truck, I did not want to, but I am also not really mad at her to be an a-hole. We went to lunch and stuff, honestly, I just did not have anything to say to her. Nothing.

 

I don't know enough about your personal circumstances to make a comment on whether I think this is or is not the right thing for you... But all I can say that it takes a lot of courage for you to see beyond what you feel... and know what you need to do and I applaud you for that...

 

I hope everything works out for you in the end....

 

Thanks. I know I still love her, but it definitely is not the same anymore. The hardest part is always doing what you need to do. Funny, I thought about NC for a moment. I haven't even really called her for two days. She contacted me. I remember it was so hard before not to call her.

[quirky]

Does sound like incompatibility or like maybe too much damage is done. Lost faith, none of you could properly relax. Your relationship is very interesting to me because I identify 50-50 with you and your ex. I know what she feels but I can see how much you'd need that clean slate.

 

she has fears and doubts about the house, but she pushed them aside knowing that she "can make it work", yet if she had the same attitude about the relationship; she would not have such a negative view.

 

that's because this is something she can 100% control, whereas with you it's not. She'd have to rely on you.

 

She constantly runs or says she can find better almost every time I did not do what she wanted or expected.

 

Means she is afraid you don't value her.

 

Seems to me with this break you both went to extremes with sorting out the things that drove you appart. For her the independence and for you the emotional side of things. Gawd..it's so similar to what happened to me and my ex.

 

I am also starting to think relationships should be easier. Both people should understand "love" the same way.

[Nappyloxs]

I agree with every thing you said once again QG.

 

With her buying this house, it really "popped my bubble."

 

I actually for the first time in 3 years feel like there is someone better out there for me.

I really don't think this "love" thing is too hard. It really is just two people choosing to care for each other, to be committed towards something greater than individuality, and just knowing that they will always be there for each other. (short theory).

 

Funny, I realize all of this over the past few months!!! LOL

 

I do think it is easy when you meet the right person. My problem is that I get along with people very well, that I think I don't really see the differences that are "red flags." Because I accept people despite our differences. This past relationship felt easy to me until we broke up in August, then everything came out. Even with recon, parts of it felt easy, but that was because of the comfort we had together.

 

You are so dead on about the extremes. Sucks.

[coolchick64]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear it went this way.

[minou]

It sounds like you are giving up on her so easily. Your love can just turn on and off. Do you want to be the one in control? The two of you were separated, you did not propose, she bought her own house. I say, good for her. If the love is strong enough on both sides, her owning a house would not get in the way of your future, on the contrary. Frankly, her real estate sounds like more of a sure thing than your feelings for her. I have this weird feeling you would miss her if you break up. You want commitment, but where are your feelings towards her? They seem to rise and fall. maybe she is "going with the flow" to see how consistent your feelings for her are. What's wrong with dating six months to see if it works out and moving together again later if it does. Or why don't you rent or sublet your place and stay at hers for now? Have you considered that? Your intense reaction to her buying a house just seems kind of weird. I think you should be happy for her that she was able to achieve this. Why should she just move in with you after a separation, and have nothing for herself in six months if it does not work out? I'd say she's working her personal resources very well. Love is separate from material things. If you really love her, you would appreciate time with her, regardless of whether or not she is willing to just rush back into the situation as it existed before.

[Nappyloxs]

Why would I propose? Just because I love her and want her back? So I should propose just to get her back? Just to stop her from buying a house?

I am not naive, stupid, or controlling.

 

My feeling rise and fall just like everyone else. Sometimes I get hurt just like anyone else. I am still with her, still talking with her. I did not just run away because I don't like her decision or because she hurt me. (She is the one who runs).

 

I am happy for her as an individual. Like I told her if she was single or if our relationship was still in its first year, I would totally be okay with it. We are 3 years in. We have lived together since the first month we met. If the love was strong on both sides, she would not have bought the house. She bought the house, because she was unsure. So obviously, it wasn't strong on both sides. We did not have the same goals, we did not see the same future together.

 

Why would I rent my house? My house is 2700 sf; her 940 sq. Mine has a jacuzzi, 2 bathrooms, huge garage, projection area, finished basement, home office. Hers; one car garage, no basement, 1 bathroom. All for the same mortgage.

 

I totally agree with you on dating for 6 months and seeing if it works. That is what I thought was best. I did not insist that she moves in, I suggest and said it was best for her to rent an apartment. A house is a commitment of its own. What happens in 6 months if everything is great and then she wants to move back in? There is a huge financial stake. If she takes the $8,000 the government is giving new homeowners, she must live there for 3 years or else repay it. So even if she rents it out, she has to repay the $8,000. I don't want her to have to repay the money and I'm sure she doesn't.

 

This is why I am hurt and upset; why my love has fallen. She made a commitment to something else. Not to the relationship. My goals/plans were for us to be married in 2-3 years. I planned to propose with the year if we got back together and worked through our previous issues. I do love her and care for her, but how can we know get married? She made a financial commitment to this house; I do not want to see her lose money on it. It hurts to see her goals for the relationship were not the same as mine.

 

I haven't totally given up on the relationship. I am just like many other people and don't like change. Don't like when my goals/plans cannot be accomplished. Don't like when someone choice something/someone else over me. I remember how I felt from August to December, that is why I haven't just left. I remember how depressed I was, how I realized I love her so much.

 

Through August to December, I learned not only alot about myself, but also about what a healthy and successful relationship is. I won't write all of it down. But it means being partners, it means talking about these types of major decisions, it means compromising.

 

Marriage/Proposing should not magically transform a relationship to something its not. Why do so many people think that marriage should magically change a relationship? If you cannot talk about finances together, your future plans/goals and reach an agreement together before marriage; how is marriage just going to magically change things? Your marriage is going to be the same as it was before you were married. Whatever issues you have before marriage, you are going to have after marriage. Some things do change, but not because of marriage, but because of time, experience, wisdom. Sorry, I simply believe marriage is a symbol of your commitment to each other, to the relationship. It is a ring, a ceremony, a party, a honeymoon. If you aren't committed to each other and the relationship before marriage; why get married? Seriously, even after married, you don't have to file taxes as married, you don't have to change your last name, you don't have to have joint accounts. What does marriage change? Why do people suggest that I should have proposed to control her decision???? It was her decision and I respect her enough to make her own decision. But her decision can hurt me; just as mine can hurt her.

[FreedomRing]

Nappy,

 

I can understand your position, and why you feel the way you do. You two sound like you just have different visions of your future at this point. That's what is so kooky about relationships....at one point you can be on the same page, but as time goes on, if you're not having routine check-ins to see where/how/things or outlooks have changed, your case is what can happen.

 

It is clear she has made her decision to buy a house, and do what is best for her(at least for right now) so you should definitely do the same.

[quirky]

My feeling rise and fall just like everyone else.

 

A woman feels VERY insecure when this happens to a guy. Particularly when he's approached her with such zeal of getting back together. She questions his motives..

 

Maybe she needs that house for herself so she can be good with you, I could see that POV.

 

Don't think selfishly of what you're not getting, in a way she as well is still there trying, possibly trancending herself in other ways. And she seems more responsive and willing to try since she got the house doesn't she? Maybe it made her feel more confident and now she can relax with you.

 

All maybes...I think you'd need about 3 hours on the phone to us to explain all intricacies.