we live together, but we're not together .. do I need to do anything differently?

[mentee]

Hi everyone! thanks for taking the time to read .. got a very involved FWB situation here..

 

background:

B. is another resident in my surgery program. He was an exceptionally kind, caring, and thoughtful friend. Based on his interactions with me I figured he was interested, but I wasn't for a few reasons. He's not my usual type. I had just gotten out of a relationship and still had feelings for my ex (and the ex had feelings for me too). We're in the same program and must work together for a few years. I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone who I didn't think was ideal especially if I had to work with that person in close proximity. I also told B. about the ex and how he was still in the picture.

 

when things changed:

I told him about a dream I had of him. From that point he began to pursue me. Because he is known to be one of the nicer residents in the hospital (which is uncommon for a surgical resident), I started to develop a fondness and respect for him. Friendliness became flirting. Flirting became cuddling. And then we hooked up. Not something I wanted/planned but I let it happen. We started to spend more time together. For awhile I was certain I wouldn't develop deeper feelings for him because he wasn't my type superficially and emotionally. He then told me about his relationship issues (nice to be told that AFTER we got together).

 

his baggage:

Was with the ex (first gf) for 7 yrs. Knew 200% that he was going to marry her and made all his life decisions based on that. She left him while he was in medical school. Cheated and married the guy she cheated on him with. Don't know how painful that is but I can imagine pretty gut-wrenching. From what his childhood friends have told me, he's never been the same since (not as happy) and never been in a serious relationship since (it's been 5yrs). He's over her and wishes her the best but he doesn't want to be vulnerable again. He also has difficulty accessing his feelings which he openly admits to (he cries whenever we have discussions about me not being in his life anymore but never knows why he's tearful or why he's sad/depressed).

 

I was into him for awhile:

Being physically intimate made me feel these funny feelings, and I was really into him for a brief time. I also got to know him better and found out things about him that I really loved/respected in a person/friend. He said he had feelings for me but not to the extent I was feeling (wanting to try a relationship). The moment he told me that, I wasn't into him as much - meaning the romantic feelings (the butterflies, feeling as if the world stopped when he gazed into my eyes, etc) started to fizzle out. He couldn't understand his feelings and would cry about it. Everytime he became more lovey-dovey with me, he'd pull back the same day and bring up a "relationship" talk. Story was always the same. I would just listen. He was "terrified" of getting hurt again and doesn't think his heart could take it anymore. He also said he was over 50% sure that I'd find a better guy (more good-looking, smarter, not damaged). I could never reassure him. I knew I couldn't say with absolute certainty that he was everything I wanted. But I wouldn't know without trying. I just know he's a special person who I really love (the way I love my closest friends) and am also attracted to at the same time. He is always thinking of me, making sure I'm okay and happy. I feel closer to him than I ever did with my ex (who I've cut ties with). So now I'm just used to our situation and pretty content with it.

 

where we're at now:

Our jobs are excruciatingly exhausting, strenuous, time-consuming - just imagine anything you can about surgery residency (honestly shouldn't even be spending time writing this but it's been on my mind for so long). We take care of each other (he probably takes care of me more), look after each other, check in with each other. He's my rock and is always there for me every single time. We've been living together for the past 4 months. But we aren't together. I don't know how to explain our relationship. We are so, so, so close. He's said I'm the closest person he's been to since that cheating ex. I consider him one of my best friends. But then I have these extra feelings - I am happy to see him, wake up next to him, go to sleep next to him. We are more like best friends/siblings in most of our interactions, but when we fight, we fight like an old married couple. We also hug each other. I give him pecks on the cheek, he gives me pecks on my forehead or shoulder. I don't know what I want with this guy. I was open to trying a committed relationship since I already feel like I'm in one. But I'm also too busy/tired/preoccupied to be constantly worrying about being in a relationship. I'm just seeking advice because I don't want to get hurt later. We are so close now we're both very vulnerable. Because we are in a weird situation, I might lose a best friend in the future if/when we meet other ppl. But I also like the way things are now as well. We're more than FWB, more like best friends who live together and act like they're together and are priorities in each others' lives. Should I do anything differently right now?

[DN]

Seems to me you are a couple in all but name.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, you should most definitely do things differently. Take that world's smallest violin that keeps playing every time he tells you his sob stories and smash it to bits so that you see him for who he really is rather than the "oh woe is me sob stories of his poor pathetic life". He has all the benefits of a relationship, companionship, sex, a warm body to cuddle to at night etc, without any kind of commitment whatsoever. He knows all the right words to say and knows how to act the part of a doting person..but when it comes right down to it, he is leaving you out in the cold. He is a very clever manipulator who has manipulated this whole thing to get what he wants without having to commit. Stop living with him, stop having sex with him and stop believing his sob stories. I wonder if his ex even cheated on him or if that is just another sob story to keep you from asking more from him.

[mentee]

He's not a clever manipulator as he's always been honest with me about everything and doesn't want me to get hurt. We don't sleep together anymore, we stopped ever since we had the first conversation about his feelings. I don't know how my post has painted him into this master manipulator who has lied to me to get me into bed. He's been an amazing friend who has been there for me through all my ups and downs during residency. He's made many sacrifices for me, and that's why I love him. It has been my choice to stay at his place since we are ALWAYS together, he's never asked anything of me ever. I don't think he's lied about his past if his childhood friends and I have discussed it before. This is one of my closest friends who is really supportive of me and is always watching out for me. My issue is that I'm content with the situation as I'm not falling over myself for a commitment, but I also feel confused.

[mentee]

Seems to me you are a couple in all but name.

 

is there anything I should do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I told him about a dream I had of him. From that point he began to pursue me.

 

Friendliness became flirting. Flirting became cuddling. And then we hooked up. Not something I wanted/planned but I let it happen. We started to spend more time together.

 

He also has difficulty accessing his feelings which he openly admits to (he cries whenever we have discussions about me not being in his life anymore but never knows why he's tearful or why he's sad/depressed).

 

He said he had feelings for me but not to the extent I was feeling (wanting to try a relationship).

 

He couldn't understand his feelings and would cry about it. Everytime he became more lovey-dovey with me, he'd pull back the same day and bring up a "relationship" talk. Story was always the same. I would just listen. He was "terrified" of getting hurt again and doesn't think his heart could take it anymore.

 

We've been living together for the past 4 months. But we aren't together. I don't know how to explain our relationship. We are so, so, so close. He's said I'm the closest person he's been to since that cheating ex. I consider him one of my best friends. But then I have these extra feelings - I am happy to see him, wake up next to him, go to sleep next to him.

 

This is what leads me to believe he is not playing straight with you and is manipulating the situation. He shows you Mr. Nice Guy, gets physically close to you and then pulls back.

[penelope13]

Considering that you both are in your residency which doesn't allow much time to socialize and build new relationships, I understand that both of you are contend with your current situation: you have a close friend who understands the extreme time demands of your job and who is also willing to share some physical contact, but you don't have to worry about any of the challenges when trying to figure out a relationship and if there is long term potential.

 

The problem that might arise with this situation is, that it is going to be extremely hard with this set up to go out and try to meet other people to fall in love with and have a relationship with. It would also be difficult for a potential romantic interest to fully understand/ accept what you two are sharing currently. Should either of you still manage to find someone else, the other one will necessarily feel betrayed/ left out in some sort and it will feel like a break up without having had the full benefit of the relationship (it's quite unlikely that you will both independently find someone else at the same time).

 

It's up to you to decide if what you have for the time being is enough for you and you want to wait till the end of your residency before you start looking for a serious partner, but if you want someone to share a relationship with, you should try to resolve your feelings with this person and try to get to a more conventional friendship setting with him

[DN]

is there anything I should do?

Yes, tell him you want to redefine the relationship.