Now wishing I had stuck with my original plan

[SnowFox]

I'm trying at this moment to get into a mindfulness meditation class this winter. Should know by next week. I'm looking forward to it.

 

That is great! If you want to discuss mediation further, please check out the thread I started in Personal Growth. I'm of the mindset that anyone can benefit from meditation practice. For me it works much like anxiety medication, except its free and has no side effects!

[rapunzel]

Thanks for this reminder, TG.

 

I have been to a couple of beginner meditation classes. I would like to do this to try to get these thoughts out of my head. Do you think it is really as simple as sitting for 20 minutes and focusing on the breath, and just observing the thoughts as they come and go?

[soheartbroken]

That is great! If you want to discuss mediation further, please check out the thread I started in Personal Growth. I'm of the mindset that anyone can benefit from meditation practice. For me it works much like anxiety medication, except its free and has no side effects!

 

I will check it out, thanks.

[SnowFox]

Thanks for this reminder, TG.

 

I have been to a couple of beginner meditation classes. I would like to do this to try to get these thoughts out of my head. Do you think it is really as simple as sitting for 20 minutes and focusing on the breath, and just observing the thoughts as they come and go?

 

I think you will be amazed at what a regular meditation practice can do for you...if you are willing to put in the time. Its like aerobic exercise- you can't get the benefits by watching people exercise or reading about people exercise, but if you actually exercise, your body will start to get healthier and healthier. Meditation tends to work in a similar way.

 

Go check out my thread in Personal Growth. I just posted a link to a video on youtube by Jon Kabat-Zinn - he is one of the more prominent people in the US who studies and teaches mindfulness meditation. There is an entire department at University of Massachusetts Medical School devoted to the study of how this practice affects human health. Us westerners are finally figuring out what they've known in Asia for thousands of years, if you ask me!

[rapunzel]

I just watched the youtube clip, thanks...so I meditated with him on the clip and it felt good. I'll try to do it for longer periods starting tomorrow. I read one of his books several years ago: "Wherever you go, there you are". I am also going to try to do yoga more frequently.

 

The way I'm feeling right now is I would be SOOO happy if I never had to see my ex again and I have to see him on January 12 and 15. Seriously, I would love to go NC for EVER and I know, know, know in the depths of my soul that I would NEVER be tempted to call, write or anything. I want to disappear so badly and I can't...at least not now.

 

Maybe the meditation will be the magic bullet. I know HE was heavy into trying to get over HIS ex.

[rapunzel]

Our bandmate, who is my friend, is having a cocktail party this weekend. He sent out an evite and my ex is bringing his new girlfriend. I declined the evite, I actually did have another party I had already rsvp'ed for and a friend is also having a record release show that night.

 

So my fear is that ex and new girlfriend go to this party, she makes friends with my band mate, his girlfriend, my other bandmate and his girlfriend, and she will come to our next show and they will all be buddy buddy and hanging out, planning more social events and I'm left out in the cold.

 

I really wish I had quit. I don't even want to go to the rehearsal or the show. And NOW if I DO quit, I look pathetic because it will look like I quit because of the new girlfriend.

 

But I guess I can't worry about how things look, I have to do what I need to do to take care of me.

 

I just wish I could be strong and let this all roll off my back. I'm even feeling tempted to skip the show, skip the rehearsal and say I have laryngitis. And tell them I'm quitting. But that would be unprofessional. I have to suck it up, face him, face her, face all of them and act "as if" none of this bothers me at all.

[rapunzel]

There's a guy who asked me out last week....I am interested in him. We have yet to go out, we talked for a long time at a party and met actually a couple of years ago but it was brief.

 

He is divorced, has a 13 year old daughter (and an older daughter) - he has the younger girl half the time so his time is limited.

 

But I am thinking if I invite him to the show, maybe I'll feel less vulnerable....the way I'm feeling today is I just want to the blow the rehearsal off, blow the show off and blow the band off. It would impact me poorly professionally so I know I can't do it. I would be completely happy with the thought of NEVER seeing my ex's face again.

 

What do you think - will I feel more solid if I have someone there or am I just fooling myself?

[lavenderdove]

I think you should just live your life thinking about what is best for you! Don't worry about what other people think. Nothing looks 'pathetic', and you don't need to give anyone any reasons for why you do things. You're an adult and answer to yourself, so remind yourself of that.

 

And yes, I'd invite your friend to the show! I think it would help you have something else to focus on besides your ex, and will give you a graceful way to exit the group. If they think you have a new boyfriend, you won't be thought of as leaving because of your ex, just because you have a busy life and other things you'd rather do.

[rapunzel]

Thank you lavenderdove. I do want to live this way but will admit I'm prone to worrying about what others think. I know I can't blame it on my mother any longer but I was brought up being constantly compared to other people and it did some lasting damage on my psyche. She is a constant worrier as well.

 

Also, the pride thing...I just don't want him to know how much he has affected me....especially after all this time. It makes me appear lame. I should not care what he thinks of me but I at least want to preserve what respect he might have left for me.

 

My hope is that I won't have to leave the group...but I do have to get through this next performance. If this guy friend is unavailable, I will make sure I have at least one good friend there to keep me occupied.

 

The bottom line is people are going to think what they want to think, no matter what I say or do. And as my sister likes to remind me, most people are wrapped up in their own heads and are worried about their OWN stuff, not worrying about mine for sure.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yep. I read a quote once that really summed this up for me: We wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of us if we only knew how seldom they did.

 

I think the last thing you should be worried about is how this is going to *look* to others. On the off chance they ARE thinking something about you...eh. What you think of me is none of my business, as the saying goes. Chances are, though, they aren't going to expend a lot of time and energy thinking about why you didn't show up to the party or why you left the band (if you ultimately choose to). They are probably more worried about their own stuff, as you said.

 

I think you should bring your new friend, even if he isn't a "date" per se. Even if you guys end up being just friends, it doesn't hurt to have someone else to see at the show and talk to, and it's nice to have your own fan/cheering section, right?

 

I know you feel stuck, but you ARE moving forward, even if it seems only a bit at a time. You will be able to get past this. I have confidence in you!

[rapunzel]

Yes, you are right browneyedgirl. However, I do think that they will wonder *why* I left the band after 3 years. I know that if any other member left suddenly, I would certainly wonder why and I'm sure I would talk about it with another band member or two, or maybe it would even come up as a group discussion at rehearsal. And then once they tried to figure out why I left, they would quickly move to find someone to replace me. It happens all the time: at work, in bands, in relationships. Everyone is replaceable.

 

Yes, I will make sure I have someone there at the show, who knows - he may not be free.

 

I know I can get past this...my life can't be like this forever, can it?

[browneyedgirl36]

Yes, you are right browneyedgirl. However, I do think that they will wonder *why* I left the band after 3 years. I know that if any other member left suddenly, I would certainly wonder why and I'm sure I would talk about it with another band member or two, or maybe it would even come up as a group discussion at rehearsal. And then once they tried to figure out why I left, they would quickly move to find someone to replace me. It happens all the time: at work, in bands, in relationships. Everyone is replaceable.

 

Yes, I will make sure I have someone there at the show, who knows - he may not be free.

 

I know I can get past this...my life can't be like this forever, can it?

 

I have to disagree with you that everyone is "replaceable." Certainly, someone else can do my job if I quit, but...there is no replacement for me as a person. The next person will do my job, perhaps just as well or better than I did, but the point is, he or she can never BE me, and can never do my job in the way that I can.

 

I think the same is true in relationships. Certainly, it seems that people get "replaced" all the time, and it's true in the sense that people do move on to others when relationships don't work out, but each person is unique and special, and the experience with the next person won't be the same.

 

So, yes, technically, any one of us could be "replaced" at any time, in the literal sense that when we're gone, someone can fill our spot, but...I'd like to think that we ALL -- including me -- are special in our own ways and that no one can really 100% take our place.

 

To answer your last question: No. Your life won't always be like this unless you choose for it to be. It's definitely a choice, and it seems as if you are headed in the right direction to make that choice to move forward. You are fabulous and deserve to be happy, but you have to work toward making that happen. No one can really tell you how to go about doing that, of course, but getting past your ex is a really, really good start.

[rapunzel]

Thanks browneyedgirl...I agree with what you said. I guess the point I was making was that when I leave, they WILL replace me...I remember a conversation about a year ago when another band member was making noises about leaving and one of the other guys was very matter of fact about it, stating that we would just replace that person...he was rather unemotional and practical about it which is just HIM, but I know that I would be replaced and eventually, rather forgotten.

 

But I also realize fully, and with great clarity this morning that I am fully responsible for what happened and for what is happening now. My greatest stumbling block has been forgiving myself for my perceived mistakes and less than exemplary behavior but I think I am (and always have been) extremely hard on myself and self-critical. It's all in the past but yet my mind wants to dredge it up and relive it over and over, and it's just a form of self-flagellation. I can't change what happened but I can change how I am dealing with it now.

 

I woke up this morning thinking that I don't want to see him ever again but I do have to see him next week - twice. I've been trying thought stopping by replacing thoughts of him and what happened with other thoughts and it seems to be working - somewhat - but I have to be patient. He is just a person, she is just a person, I am just a person. They have no power over me other than what I ASSIGN them. We are all the same and I am a fine, unique and worthy person in my own right, as they are.

 

I am going to try to meditate for 10-15 minutes a day and then increase if possible.

 

I can do this, and I will do this as I have no choice. The way my life has been is not working and while I still find the prospect of the changes I need to make quite overwhelming, I know I can do it. Others have done it and so can I.

[lavenderdove]

One techique that can be very helpful in situations like this is called 'putting it on the shelf' or 'putting it on hold'...

 

When you can't seem to let something go, you can frequently trick yourself into not dwelling on it so much by telling yourself that you'll think about it tomorrow (the Scarlett O'Hara approach), just put your worries on a shelf and think about it later.

 

That is somehow less threatening than trying to force yourself to make a decision or action TODAY, and easier to give up thinking about something if you decide you'll think about it later when it's less stressful for you.

 

So try that technique a bit when you start to run that negative broken record in your head.... that you'll think about it later, then do something to distract yourself. It really isn't that long til your last gig with them, and then you can really start putting him behind you when you don't have him in your face all the time.