Now wishing I had stuck with my original plan

[rapunzel]

My original plan was to quit the band the day after our last show, which was December 18th. I was convinced that he would bring his new gal to that show, and it would have been the final straw and time for me to get away from him completely.

 

But she was not there, and the show went well, I had a good time. At the end of the night when I was leaving I had given the sound man (and old friend of mine) a hug good night and ex was standing right next to him, and spontaneously I just gave him a hug too (I didn't think too much about this, just figured it was in the "holiday" spirit, although I worried that he might take it as a move on him, or "yep, she still wants me".)

 

So I rationalized to myself, I can handle it. And I never sent the quit email. And now we have another show January 18th. And last week I bumped into ex and new girlfriend strolling with arms draped around each other, around the pond where I walk ALL the time, as his new gal lives in my city. I think he saw me (I was with my ex-ex) but he kept walking and so did I.

 

Today I am feeling resigned, accepting but I just feel like I don't want to see him again. I am not feeling tempted to take her street home (which is a major route I OFTEN take) so see if his car is there, did that a few times and it made me feel like crap. We are supposed to rehearse Tuesday night but I am not going. I committed to the following week rehearsal prior to our show in January. I am quite convinced she WILL be at that show but I'm hoping to have a date at that show as well. There is a guy who is interested in me, who I am a bit interested in as well. We'll see...

 

I am already feeling better when he is out of my sights, and I know in a few months, with No Contact, I would feel so much better. But each contact is like a set back which has made my healing extremely protracted.

 

Just a vent. Broken record. I know I can always quit, I did not sign a contract, and it won't be the end of the world if I do quit. I'll see how the January show goes, and take it from there. We do not have a show scheduled for April so I could easily leave after the March show which would give them enough time to replace me.

 

OR maybe I am really close to being over him and I WILL be able to handle seeing him with his new woman and I won't feel like I have to quit.

[lavenderdove]

Rapunzel, you need professional help. This is the same internal dialogue you've been having with yourself for years now... should you stay or go? maybe you should wait a month? does he have a girlfriend/will he bring his girlfriend to a show. Your life is passing you by one day at a time while you obsess about this, and now years are starting to accumulate while you obsess about the same issues/problems and make no decisions or changes in your life at all.

 

And you need to start being really honest with yourself. This girlfriend of his doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he has a million girlfriends, because the point is he is done with you, and is not coming back. Driving past her house a million times won't bring her back or make you feel more in control. It is just feeding an extremely unhealthy obsession that has taken over your life completely.

 

You need to seriously consider that you might have clinical depression with obsessive/compulsive elements. That is related to a chemical imbalance, and the only fix is to go to a doctor and get treatment and therapy. Don't you want to be happy, or would you rather spend your life continuing in this cycle of obsessing about a man who basically doesn't give a hoot about it. Please help yourself, and the first step in that is going to a doctor to get evaluated. You need to tell the doctor about this obsession (and it is an obsession at this point), and get medication to snap you out of this.

[rapunzel]

Yes, I know he is not ever coming back.

 

I agree I have an obsession, it hasn't been years as I was in two relationships with him during the past 2 years.... but I'm not clear that a doctor can help and I don't want to go on medications. I can eat and I can sleep, I can work and I can conduct a fairly successful social life.

 

It's just continued to be painful as I have not been able to have full NC from him. I know I appear crazy but I don't think I am.

[lavenderdove]

You don't need to be 'crazy' to see a doctor and have a problem. You're not psychotic, but obviously spend a large amount of time obsessing about him and his girlfriend. You're doing out of control drive-bys of their house, a year and half after your last breakup with him.

 

And you can have full NC with him anytime, if you make the choice to put him behind you and do what it takes to get him out of your head and your life.

 

I'm trying to help you hear... i have been seeing how obsessed you are with him, and the threads over and over again where you talk about the same things and nothing changes. ENA can be a powerful help in getting thru a breakup and moving thru the stages of grief over that, but you're stuck, and using ENA as a means to obsess about him. You bring the same things up, and a new set of people comment on it, so you have endless fuel for your obsession.

 

I'm really trying to help you here. Visiting a therapist when you're not functioning properly (i.e., can't get over an ex and move on to someone new) is no different than getting help for a broken bone that is not healing properly..

 

You need to sit down and keep a log of how often you think of him every day, how much time you spend writing about him or talking to other people about him. If it is more than about 10 minutes a day after being broken up for 18 months, then you need professional help. I would tell that to anyone, and really think you need to get that perspective, that you DO have a problem with him and controlling your obsession, or you would be much farther along in your recovery from this, and he would not consume your thoughts the way he does.

[rapunzel]

Ok, I do agree with you that I have a problem. No doubt about that. But when you say "And you can have full NC with him anytime, if you make the choice to put him behind you and do what it takes to get him out of your head and your life" this means I have to leave the band.

 

Yeah, the drive bys were definitely bordering on crazy. I have stopped it and have NO desire to do that again.

 

This is where I am stuck. I KNOW that leaving the band is the final and best solution but it is a very, very, very difficult decision that I have declined to make thus far. My hope has been that eventually I would heal and get over it, and not have to leave the band.

 

But maybe a new therapist is a good idea. I will start to look for one.

 

There have been a few guys interested in me in the past month. Three in particular. One I am interested in, and will probably go on a date with very soon. So I am moving on....the challenge is can I truly move on WHILE still in contact via the band. This is what I have been working towards.

[citymouse]

I can eat and I can sleep, I can work and I can conduct a fairly successful social life.

 

It's just continued to be painful .....

 

So you can function.... but that doesn't mean it's a life. You're in pain. Pain hurts. Let someone help you! Someone who is a professional.

 

Visiting a therapist when you're not functioning properly (i.e., can't get over an ex and move on to someone new) is no different than getting help for a broken bone that is not healing properly..

 

.

 

Rapunzel, you mentioned on another thread that you are doing well financially and are planning on purchasing real estate. Don't you think just a little bit of that money would be well spent tending to your poor, battered, broken heart? Sweetie... this is your life we are talking about. Just because you can get up every day and muddle through does not mean that everything is fine and you are OK.

 

You don't have to go on meds to be helped by a therapist. I never went on meds when I was in therapy and I benefitted enormously. It seems like you have a mental block or a prejudice of some sort against therapy, and that pains me, because I really think a good therapist could snap you out of this if you were willing to be open minded about it and work with him/her. It's just a matter of re-framing.

 

If you got hit by a bus, would you try to heal all by yourself? If you had a stroke, would you sit at home alone and try to do physical therapy by yourself?

 

OK, I'll get off the soapbox now. But I just hurt for you, because I feel I have been in your shoes. You have no idea. Please don't waste one more day of your precious life struggling with this and trying to solve it all by yourself.

[rapunzel]

Thanks citymouse....maybe I had the wrong therapist. I went last year for several months. She did not really help me and I felt like she kept me stuck. I felt like talking about it was just like being on ENA - feeding the obsession and keeping it central in my mind. I felt like the feedback I got from ENA was better than that which I received from the therapist. I have tried perhaps 5 different therapists in my life and I can safely say that none of them really helped all that much. What helped was time and acceptance.

 

But maybe I just need to find the right therapist. That is the challenge and you are correct, it costs money. I do have money but finding a place to live, bettering my living environment and getting some roots by purchasing a home is I think a better goal and a better place to put my money. And I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country.

[citymouse]

I dunno, I'm just doing some mental math here. A $25 co-pay once a week, $100 a month, for maybe three to six months. Aren't we just talking about like $500 or so?

 

Just skip buying a new piece of furniture when you move into your new place?

[rapunzel]

Yeah, I guess that's what it would cost but on top of the $516.00 a month I pay for my health insurance. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses. I'm just afraid of thinking I found the right therapist but then finding out I was wrong. But it's worth a try.

[citymouse]

Even if it cost $2,500, that kind of money is not going to make or break you when it comes to financing real estate.

 

However I will say this. If you go into it dragging your feet, not trusting or respecting the process, and not expecting it to work, then it would be a waste of your time and money.

 

 

Therapy worked for me because I worked at it. I hunted for good therapists and screened them. If I didn't click on the first visit, I didn't go back and instead asked for an appointment with another one.

 

I made the time, even when I was tired or didn't feel like it, I forced myself to go.

 

I went with an open mind, and considered the possibility that perhaps this professional could open a window I didn't know existed, allowing me to see things from a different angle.

 

If you don't go into it with an open mind and a willingness to actually work on your healing, then you would be just going through the motions and that would not work.

 

After my mother died and I had a disastrous breakup, on again/off again relationship much like the one you are working through now -- I went into therapy for about five months or so? Can't really remember how long it was. Five months, I have no idea what cost all those years ago, but the money was well spent and looking back, I can't imagine not having had my therapist to help me. I was completely obsessed, just like you've described many times here. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[citymouse]

And I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country.

 

 

If it's one of the most expensive cities in the country, I would gather that you would have access to some of the finest therapists in the country. The cream of the crop, so to speak. So that would be a plus....

[soheartbroken]

I dunno. I've been following a lot of your threads, and I really think you just need to take a lot of time away from the band. This is what's fueling the "obsession".

 

I would not be able to get over my ex if I had to see her everyday, and with a new love. As it is, I'm already 4 months into very strict NC and progressing very slowly if at all.

[rapunzel]

Agreed, it has fueled the obsession. Which is the reason I posted why I wished I had stuck with my original plan. I would have quit and not feeling apprehensive about our next rehearsal and show. I can't quit now and leave them high and dry, it would be unprofessional and would make me look bad both personally and professionally. I think my next reasonable quitting time is early March.

 

I don't want to tell them in advance and then have to attend rehearsals and shows, with everyone knowing I'm leaving and wondering why. I think for my own self-preservation I will immediately quit the day after a show and that way give them time to find someone new and I won't have to deal with facing him and all of them. It will make me too sad.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Therapists are not for everyone. I think that some people it just takes longer to deal with things than other people. It is harder for you because you have to see him at your rehearsals. I think you have actually made amazing strides and I just see your posts on here as part of the healing process..I think you are doing quite well and are processing your feelings and emotions on here. The fact that you are interested in other men is a good sign. Plenty of people take years to get over an ex and may obsess about it a bit...except they are not on ENA blowing off steam about it all the time. I have seen plenty of posts on here from people who have said it is X years and I am still not over it. The thing is, when people vocalize too much others assume that it is abnormal behaviour because most people keep it bottled up or they just run to a rebound relationship and act like they are perfectly fine. I take my hat off to you for being able to voice your feelings as you heal. This is probably the therapy which has been most beneficial to you.

[soheartbroken]

I tend to agree with Crazy.

 

I'm still feeling down a lot but at close to 6 months I've stopped posting a lot because I feel like I should just shut up and keep my thoughts, questions, and pain to myself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I tend to agree with Crazy.

 

I'm still feeling down a lot but at close to 6 months I've stopped posting a lot because I feel like I should just shut up and keep my thoughts, questions, and pain to myself.

 

That's the thing...ENA is really basically similar to what happens with real life friends. If you talk too much about it with real life friends they will eventually get fed up and tell you that you need counselling because it shouldn't take you this long to get over it...same with forums...and yet for some people posting over and over again helps them come to terms with it.

[rapunzel]

Thank you CAD. I appreciate it. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

[soheartbroken]

That's the thing...ENA is really basically similar to what happens with real life friends. If you talk too much about it with real life friends they will eventually get fed up and tell you that you need counselling because it shouldn't take you this long to get over it...same with forums...and yet for some people posting over and over again helps them come to terms with it.

 

This is absolutely what happens with friends. So I have for the most part stopped talking about it with friends, and I've stopped talking about it a lot here. A therapist, on the other hand, is paid to listen.

 

Here at ENA, people are rewarded for "moving on", not for their suffering.

[rapunzel]

Well, I can understand why some here at ENA are frustrated with me talking in circles, as I am myself.

 

But I have used it as a place to vent my feelings when some of my friends can't listen anymore, and since I do not have a therapist at the moment.

 

My sister has been separated from her husband for 4 years, but they have two chidren together, so the constant contact has kept her in a prolonged state of healing for 4 years, and even longer as they had a troubled marriage.

 

Contact delays healing, that's just the way it is.

 

I appreciate any ENA'ers who respond to my posts, as I think most people want to help. I do think one can get addicted to this place though...which can hinder moving on.

 

I am meeting my bandmate today and maybe the conversation will help me decide what I am going to do. He has always insisted that I am going to feel worse if I quit. He also has selfish reasons for wanting me to stay: we are good friends, we are fairly close and he doesn't want to spend the time finding a replacement and teaching and rehearsing with her all the vocal parts - it will be a lot of work.

[mrvaughn]

I was a bit obsessed to be honest & it can be a natural part of not wanting to let go. I was in a really bad place & to be honest there is a major part of my story I left out when posting here, which was obsessive/destructive. I was considering cognitive behaviour therapy which is free in UK but time has made me all better (plus all the facts about 'her' that are scary biscuits, lol)

 

Hope it all works out for you...

[citymouse]

I think CAD raised some good points; also, I hope I did not come on too strong, Rapunzel... it's just that I really believe in therapy.

: P

 

My gosh, I don't know what I would do without this forum. I have only been coming here for a few months but I am already semi-addicted, LOL

 

I do think one can get addicted to this place though...which can hinder moving on.

 

.

 

 

I agree. I sometimes think I'm going to go nuts, and then I come here and vent and blab away and then I feel better. I am trying to limit my time though. Today, for instance. I have a million things to do and here I sit typing away.

 

[soheartbroken]

I do think one can get addicted to this place though...which can hinder moving on.

 

I am meeting my bandmate today and maybe the conversation will help me decide what I am going to do. He has always insisted that I am going to feel worse if I quit. He also has selfish reasons for wanting me to stay: we are good friends, we are fairly close and he doesn't want to spend the time finding a replacement and teaching and rehearsing with her all the vocal parts - it will be a lot of work.

 

Yes, one can get addicted to this place. But it's a better addiction than turning to alcohol or drugs or maybe even a rebound. And it's better than losing friends, and arguably a better addiction than mindless television.

 

I've noticed a lot of people telling you not to quit because it would be a shame to quit because of him.

 

Well, maybe it would be a shame, but you have to do what is best for you. Seeing him all the time is just giving you more and more stuff to ruminate about. This brings to mind the saying, "crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result".

 

I'm not saying you're crazy, but I'm sure you see my point.

 

Do you think part of you is so used to the ruminating and obsessing that you're afraid to get away from it? I know it sounds absurd, having someone basically ask if you want to suffer, but really think about it.

 

I think part of me keeps up with my ruminating etc. because if I don't, then the relationship is truly dead. If I move on - and she has moved on - then there is no more "us"! And that's a scary thought (also, it's hard to stop ruminating and obsessing, I'm not trying to discount this factor!).

 

So I hold my own little candlelight vigil for the relationship, because I don't want "us" to be gone forever.

 

Am I making sense? I'm a bit rushed with my writing because I'm supposed to be getting my lazy a** up and out of the house right now! Will check back in later.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, one can get addicted to this place. But it's a better addiction than turning to alcohol or drugs or maybe even a rebound. And it's better than losing friends, and arguably a better addiction than mindless television.

 

I completely agree. This forum has allowed me to really think about things and think about myself as I draft responses. I have learned so much about myself and have learned so much about relationships by being on here. I may be on here a lot but it has allowed for self-growth, something I would not have had if I had spent hours glued to the TV watching Survivior, The Amazing Race and Dancing with the Stars!

[SnowFox]

I've posted this plenty of other places, but I think its worth repeating. For people who struggle with rumination (where your mind keeps going over and over and over the same thoughts and ideas for hours, days, weeks, or months on end), my experience is that meditation is as effective, if not moreso, than counseling. In fact, many counselors who are up to date on current research are teaching their clients mindfulness practice because its been found to be highly effective for many different mental problems.

 

Its very easy to learn how to meditate, and if you start with just 20 minutes per day, you will start to feel cumulative benefits fairly soon. Its free as well.

 

Its so easy to stay stuck in rumination because on some level it feels good. If we are missing someone we loved, we like to keep thoughts of them in our mind because it gives us a bit of an illusion that we are still connected to them. But its like eating junk food. It tastes good the moment its in our mouth, but the more we eat of it, the sicker we get over time.

 

There are so many on-line resources about meditation now. You don't have to practice Buddhism or be involved in any religion to meditate. You can be atheist, agnostic, Muslim, Sufi, Christian, Wiccan, or any other belief system and still practice meditation.

 

I am going to list a few names of people you might want to search on if you are interested in reading further (you can find YouTube videos of these people, books, websites, etc)

 

Jon Kabat-Zinn (Director of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine at University of Massachusetts)

 

Since I practice Buddhist meditation myself, the other people I am most familiar with are authors and teachers such as Pema Chodron, Jack Kornfield, and Stephen Levine.

 

I have had therapy at different times in my life and its been very helpful. I've also practiced meditation off and on for over 12 years. I would say that both have been extremely helpful. With rumination in particular, which is a habit I tend to fall in to quite easily, meditation is the primary tool I use.

 

I've been thinking about starting a thread over in Personal Growth about meditation so people can post there if they are practicing or wanting to learn. My own New Year's resolution this year is to meditate every day. So far I am on track. Its the one thing that is so helpful for me, I've finally decided I need to make it more of a priority in my life.

[soheartbroken]

For people who struggle with rumination (where your mind keeps going over and over and over the same thoughts and ideas for hours, days, weeks, or months on end), my experience is that meditation is as effective, if not moreso, than counseling.

 

I'm trying at this moment to get into a mindfulness meditation class this winter. Should know by next week. I'm looking forward to it.