Dating Someone with a Kid? Anyone?

[soul_soother]

Sorry for the long post but please bare with me.

 

Me:

-In the Military

-In Virginia

-20 years old

-Catholic

Her:

-Student

-In Montana

-20 years old

-Catholic

-has a 6 month son

 

We've known each other since 7th grade through a mutual friend (I lived in AK and she lived in MT) so it's always been a LDR from day one. We tried dating but she was drunk one night and ended up making out with some guy, and the drunk nights became too much. Well we've always been there to talk through each others problems and issues so after she cheated we stopped talking for a year, but due to issues of her dads anger her older brother asked me to help her out.

 

She dated this guy for about 2 months or so, and the guy was very pressuring and ended up having sex with him. The guy got her pregnant and soon after he broke up with her. The guy was extremely verbally abusive during the entire pregnancy and the day she went into labor he gave her a speech about how she was a horrible person and would be a horrible mother.

The guy still tries to control her and is still verbally abusive to her even though they aren't together and from her word never will be. Sometimes at night he will call her over 40 times leaving nothing but bad messages because she doesn't answer.

 

Well when I graduated boot camp she surprised me by driving accross the states to see me for a couple hours (this was our first meeting in person). Well things were amazing, veryyy amazing and we had a great time, and even me and her dad connected well which never has happened. Well we hit it off great, and we've been talking and both admitted our affection for each other.

 

My thing is she has a kid, a very young kid, but she still has a kid. I've never dated anyone with a kid, and don't know anyone who really has. I've always had this picture of the perfect family type. But the idea and realism to the first couple years of "honeymoon" marriage at first gets thrown out the window doesn't it? Going on a honeymoon with an infant or traveling to other countries and being able to go out whenever we want to. Its like the whole "are we ready" thing has just been thrown out the window?

 

I'm asking if anyone has ever been in these kind of situations, how it worked, and what things were like? Were they easy, did it ruin things, was it hard, how was it? I'm a rather young guy so I'm very curious...

 

Thank you appreciate all feed back

[catwalk]

I've known enough friends who have done it to know I don't think I'd ever date a guy with a kid.

 

I know it's hard to find people without children as you get older, but at 20 you shouldn't have to deal with that kind of thing.

 

It's more difficult and makes it messy if things don't work out.

[shikashika]

I dated someone with a kid when I was 22 and I never even met the kids because his son lived really far away. We dated for nearly 2 years too!

 

But it bothered me way too much and I wouldn't even consider dating someone with a kid and I'm quite a bit older than you.

 

If you are already thinking there are problems, then find someone else. If it didn't bother you, you wouldn't be asking.

[soul_soother]

I just kinda feel I'll end up kind of throwing away my early 20's life. I mean I love kids and I want them, but when I'm ready yano. Just a shame that our good connection has to go to waste.

[shikashika]

I just kinda feel I'll end up kind of throwing away my early 20's life. I mean I love kids and I want them, but when I'm ready yano. Just a shame that our good connection has to go to waste.

 

 

it seems like you've idealised it though. You don't live anywhere near each other and often that's what makes this so-called connection seem so magic, partly because it's exciting, she lives so far away, should I, shouldn't I etc etc.

 

if you were in the same town, the connection might not be so wonderful, kid or not.

[soul_soother]

If you are already thinking there are problems, then find someone else. If it didn't bother you, you wouldn't be asking.

 

Well sometimes you come up with other problems and bite the bullet through them

[ses]

I'm in my early 30s and only just now feeling realistically ready for a kid. My ex from my early 20s had a kid and it put a stinkin damper on everything. Not to mention it was a thankless job truly and lovingly taking care of the kid and getting hated by everyone in return ("evil stepmother"). I sacrificed too much back then.

My advice would be to not go down that path. You've got so much time to live it up in your 20s. Do just that!

[Blue Skittles]

You have a very Valid concern here. If you continue to date this girl, you will likely end up supporting her and her kid, and thats not easy, especially at such a young age. There are also a lot of sacrifices to be made when you have a child to take care of.

 

If you decide not to date this girl for that reason, its okay. It is taking on a whole new responsibility.

 

I can't imagine how she is feeling. Trying to escape an emotionally abusive relationship and having a child that I'm sure SHE was not even ready for, but the difference is, she has no choice. She has to care for this child and be a mother early in life. My heart goes out to her - I've seen friends go through the single mother thing and its not easy. Not easy to date either as most men don't want a woman who already has a kid.

 

You are faced with a difficult choice. Just make sure you choose the one that is right for you. If you really love this girl and care for her you may decide to give things a shot. But just be prepared for the responsibility.