Sister refuses to be in the wedding

[Firiel]

Background (sort of...) is here:

 

My family hates my fiance. A lot. Anyway, the other day my sister told me she wouldn't be in my wedding because she didn't approve of my relationship. Though I haven't asked my dad yet (my fiance is out of town, and I want him to be here to comfort me after I ask him), I think it's a pretty safe assumption that he will refuse to walk me down the aisle.

 

So my questions are as follow:

 

Should I wait a few month to invite a bridesmaid to take my sister's place? I'd like to give her a chance to change her mind, but the wedding is in July and I don't want to spring it on someone else last minute.

 

If my dad doesn't walk me down the aisle, what should I do? I'm not really close to any uncles or older male family friends. I know my future father-in-law would walk me down the aisle, but it feels like it should be someone I know not through my fiance. What message would walking myself down the aisle send? I've also considered asking my brother-in-law (who doesn't like, but doesn't hate, my fiance), and the thought has crossed my mind of asking a male friend or something...

 

 

Thanks!

[yeawutever]

Wow, your family has been hating him from the start. It's been already more than a year. Can't they at least not rub in your face and get over it already? Talk about stress and melodramas. I don't see what's the point of overly repeating how much you hate someone. Seems like childish behavior to me.

But I don't know, if I were you I would have probably broke up a long time ago as soon as this melodrama occurred. However, since you decided to stay and he's now your fiance then I say you're free to do what you want to. They can't order you who to marry nor keep professing their hate. What if you two get marry and have kids??

If neither your sister or other members of your family shows up then might as well proceed without them... Lastly is your fiance aware that he's still hated? If so what does he say/do? That must be a horrible position...

[Firiel]

Yeah, my fiance is aware. My family doesn't keep it a secret. The melodrama does suck. We're dealing with it. But I'm not sure how to deal with it on a practical level.

 

Mainly I want to know if I should give my sister time to come around and who should walk me down the aisle if my dad doesn't... I'm thinking of walking myself down the aisle, but I don't want to rub it in their faces that I have no dad to do so...

[yeawutever]

I think that you should just go on your wedding as nothing happened. If she doesn't want to come then it's her loss. A friend of my mother got married without the father walking her down the aisle. He didn't want to see what he considered a ''loser'' because the man was not a college student nor wealthy (he was rather mediocre) while she was. The only difference in this story is the mother approved the man from the start.

The story ends that the father eventually accepted him but I bet her husband hasn't forgotten about it (even after many years has passed).

So yeah do what you want in life and in the end you don't need anyone's approval on who you should pick to get marry....

[GoneCrazy]

I would give them sometime maybe even talk with them, that could change there minds. If not well sorry to say it but eff them and go on. Also yes you should ask your father in law (thats if your dad doesn't wanna walk down with you) but again give him sometime..People do change there minds so i say give them the few months if not well sorry to say it sounds like most of your family wont be at your wedding.

 

Also i read really quickly through your first post and i'm abit on the happy side lol. So oen of the reason your folks dont want to marry this guy cause of the distance ? If so thats pretty dumb, i say aslong as there is someone out there that you live no distance should stop to people from getting married. Best of luck to you.

[Notreadyet87]

Wait why is it that your parents hate your bf so much, and your sister as well? Because he took a year off from college, and it's a long distance relationship? If those are the ONLY reasons than they are being very WRONG about this.

 

If I were you, I would have one last talk with the family. Explain to them that you need their support and would like them to be a part of this big event. Ask them if by not participating what do they think it will achieve? Do they think that you will change your mind and *not* do it. Stress to them that you are having this wedding with or without them, but if it is without them, then so be it. Let them know that unfortunately if push comes to shove, they will find that their relationship with you will be very limited in the future because of this situation.

If they still don't care, than go through with the wedding, *without* them, replacing your father with maybe your bf's uncle, and your sister with a close friend. Then I wouldn't contact my family for a while after this situation--letting them know that I do NOT approve of their behavior.

In the long run it is your life and your wedding day.

You seem really strong for going through this without their support.

 

Good luck.

[bugbug]

I think Notreadyet87's advice is (potentially) destructive. You're already 100% certain of your family's opinion. Re-hashing it will not be productive, and may make you look like a prima donna.

 

My advice is that you tell your sister that you'd like her in the wedding, but that if she's not interested by such-and-such date, you're going to find another bridesmaid.

 

Also, if you expect to have any regular contact with your family, you're going to have to "handle this on a practical level" extremely quickly.

 

I have a few questions:

 

1) Who's paying for the wedding? If your parents are paying for it, you have very little bargaining power. As a general rule, he (or she) who pays for anything dictates the rules. Period.

 

2) The fact that your dad is possibly unwilling to walk you down the aisle leads me to suspect that your family is either psycho, or they have a d@mned good reason to oppose the marriage. So which is it? Is this drama typical of your family? Or is he a different religion? Does he have a drug habit or criminal record? Do they think you're too young?

[Notreadyet87]

But in my opinion the reason they don't want to participate in the wedding in the first place, is probably because they hope that by not helping her with it, that she may change her mind and not go through with it(that she'll come around and see their "side"). They also be so stubborn that they aren't thinking about the bigger picture. If her and her fiance get married and eventually have kids--the parents will have to tolerate him, in order to see their grandkids, if the family wants to have a strong relationship with their daughter in the future, this situation will LIMIT that happening.

My advice to her was to basically stress that to the family. Sometimes our families think they know best and that by doing certain things (i.e not participating in the wedding) that we will come around or that they won't impact their relationship with us. When in fact it does.

By having ONE last attempt at proving the seriousness of this marriage and their support, she is putting the ball in their court, while also firmly letting the family know that she loves them and wants them in this but if they choose not to participate they are also choosing to lose a relationship with her in the future. Which ANY loving family, would NOT want to risk.

 

Besides from her posts, the reason they do not want her to marry this man is because he is going for a career as a pastor, which obivously isn't very lucrative and the family would rather she be with a man who was in a more generous (money wise) occupation. Which is extremely materialistic and shallow in my opinion.

 

If they're going to risk their relationship with her over that, than I think the family at least deserves to know what they're end for by doing that.

[yeawutever]

In addition, I don't want to bring the burden of bad news but when parents typically come this far to the point of hating one's SO, talking bad about them everyday then it means that most of the times they have a reason for this don't they??

Come to think of it, out of 100 cases, the parents are almost always right about 90% of the times due to their experience and life knowledge as well as unconditional love.

If my parents came that far, I would now listen to what their reasons and evaluate it first, not ignore it completely like I would in my younger years....

[yeawutever]

So your parents hate your boyfriend because you two met using their car without their permission and your sister hates your boyfriend why exactly?

 

You know there's more to this than you're telling us, so why waste your time and ours with half truths?

That's what I been thinking too. Why would one's parents hate your SO so much for only using their car without their permission?? I don't think it makes any sense.

 

The poster reminded of me. My parents too hated my ex so much and guess what? They were right the whole time. Still can't believe it took me 3 whole years out of my life to finally wake up and realize what a mess I was getting into.... Still, it's sad how I got drained 3 years I can't get back and all due to stubbornness, not listening to my parents who care and love me too much for someone to be taking advantage of me...

[Notreadyet87]

In addition, I don't want to bring the burden of bad news but when parents typically come this far to the point of hating one's SO, talking bad about them everyday then it means that most of the times they have a reason for this don't they??

Come to think of it, out of 100 cases, the parents are almost always right about 90% of the times due to their experience and life knowledge as well as unconditional love.

If my parents came that far, I would now listen to what their reasons and evaluate it first, not ignore it completely like I would in my younger years....

It depends the REASONS why the parent didn't like the man. According to the OP her parents don't like him because he wants to be a pastor or something that doesn't pay very much.

That's stupid for her parents to dismiss him based on that information. Granted it would be nice if he were in a better career, her parents not liking his career path is pretty silly to me.

I agree with you that a majority of time parents are right. But there is still the small amount of time where parents are, there is that small amount of time where parents have their own biases and won't us to be with men that fit what they WANT and not neccesarily what we want and need. My parents have been right about some of my bf's and have been completely wrong about others.

Parents are humans too. Their judgment isn't always the best. And again examining the reason the OP's parents don't like this guy--I think her parents are being very unfair.

[FarthestEdge]

Background (sort of...) is here:

 

 

If my dad doesn't walk me down the aisle, what should I do? ... What message would walking myself down the aisle send?

 

Thanks!

 

You should hold your head high and walk down the aisle independantly. No one needs to 'give you away".. You're your own woman, and only you can give of yourself.

 

Good luck

 

FE

[FarthestEdge]

In addition, I don't want to bring the burden of bad news but when parents typically come this far to the point of hating one's SO, talking bad about them everyday then it means that most of the times they have a reason for this don't they??

Come to think of it, out of 100 cases, the parents are almost always right about 90% of the times due to their experience and life knowledge as well as unconditional love.

If my parents came that far, I would now listen to what their reasons and evaluate it first, not ignore it completely like I would in my younger years....

 

That's a very broad brush you're painting with. Loving parents do what they believe is in their childrens best interests, but it doesn't always mean they are right.

 

I too was told "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man". uugh. I never wanted to be 'taken care of' I wanted (and have) a partner, not a caretaker.

 

My parents HATED DH when we got engaged (not b/c of money, but other reasons. some I understand, some I never will). He wasn't allowed in our house. DH had to work hard for years to be accepted into the family.. But in then end, he earned their respect, and I have been with him over 20 years, (15 of them happily married)- a happiness I would have missed out on if I had let my parents 'concerns' affect my decision to do what's right for me.

 

The OP knows her parents objections, and she has decided they are not of concern to her. SHE is the only one who has to/gets to live her life & reap the rewards & suffer the consequences of her choices. Her parents, while they may think they are doing what is best for her, have no right to tell her who she should(n't) marry. Their only choice in the matter is whether or not they support her in it.

[Firiel]

So your parents hate your boyfriend because you two met using their car without their permission and your sister hates your boyfriend why exactly?

 

You know there's more to this than you're telling us, so why waste your time and ours with half truths?

 

No, the reasons they hate him are all in the original thread. Like I said in the original thread, I took the car and then we told a half-truth (which, I know, is still a whole lie) about it when asked. They took this one lie as proof that my fiance was a dishonest man when he hasn't lied since (it's been over a year). They also think we have gone farther physically when we should (all involved are Christians), even though we haven't had sex, or oral sex, or had any genital contact whatsoever. I didn't include that in the original because I felt it was too TMI and because I don't personally feel like we crossed any lines. My sister hates him because she follows what my father says religiously.

 

I'm sure there are other reasons they hate him, but they are all speculation on my part. The hard part is that everyone else around us adores him. He has formed close friendships in the church that my parents and I go to through his volunteer work there, and everyone that works there recognizes what a fine young man he is and those who know my parents tell them they need to let up. But they are very stubborn. Nothing we've done has made them trust us again. And we've done whatever they've wanted for over a year.

 

Edit: They also think he's lazy because he and my dad had different ideas on how a house should be fixed up. Since my fiance knew that the owner of the house he was renting (the owner was not my father) would be demolished after he moved out, he just wanted to fix it up marginally, enough to live in; my father is a perfectionist and wanted the house fixed up much nicer. However, he has since proved he is not lazy, as he goes to college full time, works 20-30 hours a week, and travels with a music group from his school on the weekends to pay for tuition.

[yeawutever]

Give that information, I would say it's time to stop trying to prove your parents how they are wrong and go your way, do what you want to. It's your life after all and they can't dictate who you're going to spending your life with.

As for the Christian views, I assume they always expected you to be the puritanical girl waiting till marriage, right? Don't follow it if you don't want to, it's your choice not theirs. Do they have to kiss him everyday or go out with him? No, it's you. I don't see why so many parents ask that, we're not puritanical nuns. You're sexual beings.

 

How about moving out if it's becoming unbearable? The more you try to prove them wrong, the more they will dictate your life.