I wish I had a mom...

[cuddlebug]

Sheesh, I dunno why I would even post this, or even if I will. This latest breakup really made me wish I had a mom. I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't think that. The world is a big empty space in front of me, and I feel like I have to go into it all alone. I wish I had someone to tell me how things are, or to bounce ideas off of, or someone to give me advice/encouragement/etc., especially in dating which is what is trickiest for me right now. I wish there was even one person I could really trust or who really *loved* me in the way a parent does. Not just in the abstract but in the practical ways. The conversations, visits, cookies, the "come to town and help me move to a new apartment when I'm overwhelmed with work," etc.

 

My mom is mentally ill, and while she's alive, she's sort of a shell of a person and not able to provide any support - to herself or others. My dad divorced her a while ago and is off with a new girlfriend, and we don't really talk except on holidays and birthdays. Neither one really cares about me -- my mom because she's not capable of it mentally, and my dad because he's in some selfishly-reliving-my-youth-happy-the-kids-are-all-grown-don't-want-any-responsibilities phase.

 

I have tried over the years to build relationships with both, but it's not really possible. Both my living grandparents have Alzheimer's, and there are no other relatives I know. I am the oldest sibling, so I have the role of taking care of my younger siblings even if I do ask them for advice/etc sometimes.

 

I see my friends who have parents who are engaged in their lives, and I get sort of jealous. I don't stay jealous too long, though. I mostly try to give myself good advice and take care of myself, as adults do. I just wish I had parents to help me occasionally, for the things that are really confusing to me.

 

I feel pretty lonely. I don't really need a solution because there isn't one. Nobody can make my parents come back or be there. But I thought it might be a little therapeutic to write it down...

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Hey, i can kind of understand how you feel. My mother is also very mentally ill and it almost seems like you were/are the mother at times. My father left while i was a baby, so i don't know him at all. Luckily though i do have my grandparents (although both are quite sick), its comforting to know i'm not alone.

 

I do have an older sister, but i often feel as though i need to be strong for her and emotionally i never ask her for advice. I think writing about it was a good idea. Sometimes its just nice to get it all out. To say things as they are.

 

Do you have good friends to stand by you? Anyone you can lean on at all.

 

Sorry to hear about the break up as well. I guess the saying is true, time heals all wounds.

[AutumnBorn]

Cuddlebun, my mother wasn't mentally ill, but she wasn't a good one, so I know what you mean. When I was a kid I used to fantasize about having other parents. That's why I try to be the best mother possible for my children.

 

We all get screwed up and over by our parents. I probably messed mine up from baking for them, cleaning up after them, and doing their laundry. I wish I could give you some of that. I'm probably old enough.