WHY NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY OUT.

[crymeariver]

Hey guys,

 

So many of you are in the same situation on this message board. For once, I would like to offer some very helpful advice.

 

If someone has broken up with you, you need to apply the NC rule from DAY 1. Now I know that this is probably the HARDEST thing you will ever have to do. Thoughts of your ex will constantly haunt you. You will be asking yourself the following questions:

 

1) When will he/she be back?

2) What is he/she doing right now?

3) Is he/she thinking of me right now?

 

Do yourself a favor. Stop those thoughts RIGHT NOW. If your ex has thrown you out the door, or broken up with you, why would you raise him/her up on a pedestal by thinking of him/her. That person does not deserve to be thought of. Now I know this seems harsh. But you have to LOVE YOURSELF before anyone else. Ask yourself this: would you want anyone to treat one of your loved ones (family) the way your ex did? No. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. And stop making excuses for the exes. The reality of it is that they don't see you for who you are. And you want someone to accept you for who you are. You've done everything you can to make this relationship work. Your ex has spent a while with you before the breakup. He/she knows what you're all about. And unfortunately, he/she can't accept you for who you are. So stop wasting your time on people who do not deserve you. We're all wonderful people...and I admire all of you because you all have a great heart for wanting to work things out. Look at all these wonderful people in the world who want to work things out. Your ex doesn't want to make things work. So leave your ex high and dry and focus on yourself.

 

Now is YOUR time. What is the best revenge? Well, what would you hate seeing the most? My advice is to better yourself in every way. How much would you regret breaking up with an ex if you saw him/her looking so GREAT a couple months down the road? Go to the gym and channel that anger into lifting 10 lbs more. Look good. Change your style. Get a new hairdo. Laugh more. Everything will suddenly fall into place.

 

Believe me. I've seen so many of my friends become AMAZING after a break up and have their exes come crawling back. But by then, you're WAY above their level and can kindly say "No thank you."

 

I know how hard it is. My ex-gf dropped me. I was confused for about 1.5 months. In my head, I was perfect...I'm a goodlooking 22 year old male. I'm already a professional engineer and have a very good job. I'm confident, and treated her like a queen. And she did this? There's a moment where you just have to stand up for yourself and have some balls. My parents didn't put me into this world to be a pushover. Life goes on.

[Hopingpraying]

Good stuff.. I like everything you have to say here, my only caveat would be that each situation is unique. I know on the surface all breakups sound similar or nearly the same, but the underlying reasons are all different.

Even though I could take your message and pretty much apply it to me and how I have handled going through my divorce, I have had to apply a modified version of no-contact which is because of my daughter. Even though I call and talk to my wife every night so I can speak to my two year old daughter I never bring up anything about us or the relationship, or how I wish we could work things out. I do want so badly for her to see the changes in me. Sure she can see the physical changes, I have been working out quite a bit and physically I am in the best shape since I was in highschool, but she cannot see whats changing inside me. I feel I am an enlightened man for a thirty year old. Saying that by no means do I think I know it all, and as far as woman are concerned I have so much more to learn.

Stay around CMR, I think you have some stuff to share, and the more the merrier!!

[crymeariver]

Hoping& Praying,

 

You're absolutely right. Each and every situation is different. And the fact that you have a daughter does change a lot. Be there for your daughter. It's for yourself...it's your responsibility.

 

My point in all of this is that you should look out for yourself before you look out for your ex-wife. It must be hard to switch mentalities...you're so used to looking out for your little family first. Now, you must learn to switch that mentality and look out for yourself first. That's what your ex did. It wouldn't be fair.

[FreeAgain]

Good post cryme. I know what must be done, but im still having my moments of weakness that are holding me back. Reading posts like yours reminds myself on what I should be focusing on ... me. As hard as it was (or still is), im confident i will come out a better person. And thats what lifes about, taking the experiences we have in life, learning from them, and becoming a better person out of it.

[Hopingpraying]

Hoping& Praying,

 

You're absolutely right. Each and every situation is different. And the fact that you have a daughter does change a lot. Be there for your daughter. It's for yourself...it's your responsibility.

 

My point in all of this is that you should look out for yourself before you look out for your ex-wife. It must be hard to switch mentalities...you're so used to looking out for your little family first. Now, you must learn to switch that mentality and look out for yourself first. That's what your ex did. It wouldn't be fair.

 

Yes, your correct it is hard to switch mentalities, but the fact is I still have to look out for my EX-wife too. That doesn't stop. Because my EX-wife still holds the title of, "Mother of my Daughter" ultimately if anything bad happens to her it will also affect my daughter in a bad way. So it is still a package deal. I will always care for my wife, I have no doubts about that. Heck I still care for my EX-grilfriend prior to my wife, in a different way of course but I never want to see anything bad happen to her. I am sure in time my feelings for my wife will be different too, but I will still care for her. I don't think that will ever stop.

 

This is all so difficult, I don't know why after a breakup people are in such a hurry to get back out there and do it again.

[healing]

crymeariver,

 

I agree with what you are saying. If someone doesn't want you, it's her loss. Why waste any more time and energy on the 'wrong' woman? You have a life to live!

 

I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person ever again!!!

 

Good luck to you!

 

 

[crymeariver]

Hoping&Praying,

 

You're absolutely right. You do not want to harm your ex wife. You just want to spend time apart for YOURSELF. But you must also remember that she is being inconsiderate of you and your daughter in this whole business. I'm not saying that you need to harm her. Just work on yourself. And there really is nothing you can do by trying to work things out. You do more harm by trying to work things out. Let her sort her ideas. And meanwhile, work on yourself. Imagine what she'll feel when she sees you again after a while and you look totally different.

[crymeariver]

healing,

 

you're right. There's no point wasting my time! Life goes on. No one ever dies of a heartbreak. NO ONE. We only have one life to live. I will not look back on this and feel bad. Take each experience as a learning one. You need your share of bad experiences and people to appreciate the good ones.

 

Guys,...3 yrs from now, you'll all be laughing about it at your bachelor party!

[ziggystar]

 

 

although i agree that some people should use no contact, i don't believe it's universal. there's an assumption in what you say that our exes do to us is of a malicious nature. it might be true in some cases, but in most cases it is not. it seems to point to the dumper as some breed of human that is opposite of what we are, which is not true. we are all human being with the same set of issues as everybody else.

 

there is also an assumption, that we as "dumpees" have done everything right. well, i'm sorry, that's not the case. in all relationships, there is fault to be found on both sides of the aisle. it's not us against them. it really is us against ourselves. until you take responsibility for your part, nothing changes.

 

i agree that people should move on in a healthy manner and improve themselves. and i agree that some people should use no contact. but these 2 doesn't necessarily have to coincide. however i disagree to the concept of pointing fingers and blaming the ex for all of the pain and misery, because that isn't taking responsibility for yourself. if you follow the logic that someone else has made you miserable then you must follow the logic that someone else will make you happy. then no matter what external self improvement you make will not deter the same thing from happening in another relationship.

 

let's try not to lump all case of break-up together. like hoping and praying, a marriage with kids involved is something that requires a different tact then a relationship out of high school. same hurt, different consequences.

 

 

 

hoping and praying:

 

 

 

there are people at different stages of their lives on this forum and the outlook is different. and even if you look at the posters ages, you'll see the majority of people who have relationship issues are in the 20-30 range. and less in the 30-40. and sharply dropping off in the 40-50 range. and obviously, being married with children is a completely different outlook then someone who is unattached and dating.

[angelee123]

Hi Crymeariver -- your first post is so right on....but do the ex's come back always? The guy I've been dating for 1 year has been breaking up with me right and left for the past few months. One day we are on, the next we are off. The only reason I think I keep trying is because I we do get along when we are together....but when we are apart everything just crumbles. He said I smother him with phone calls and questions and he feels I'm insecure. I see what he is saying because I do look very insecure and not confident...but I am. He just makes me pursue him so badly!! I tried to do NC but it's so hard for me becuase we always end things in a fights...and I don't want it to be that way. I am confident and secure...but how do I let him see that??

[crymeariver]

angelee...

 

You have to stop hurting yourself that way. don't let people lead your life. let him make up his own mind without you tampering in it. So what if it ends in a fight? Why are you the only one who wants to fix up the situation? If he has any balls and if he cares, he will fix it himself.

 

As for the confidence...you can't show him you're confident. He has to just see it. And it sounds to me like you're very insecure and lack confidence. Because if you were secure, you wouldn't be worrying so much about what he thinks. you just KNOW how amazing you are by yourself. I know things are hard...keep it up. And for once, let him do some work.

[angelee123]

Hi crymeariver, I'm trying to do NC but I already called him this morning apologizing for calling yesterday. I just keep thinking he's all set with me...and that he really doesn't care. I just want to hear something in his voice that says he cares. Will time and space help? I know it will help me be stronger and hopefully careless about our situation...but will it make him realize how special I am to him? We are suppose to have space until the end of the month.

[just jeff]

While I agree with much of what you're stating I also agree with Ziggy, each case is different. Most of the time there is fault in both parties, in some form or the other.

 

I am moving on, I have so much to be thankful for each day. I haven't given up hope that my ex will eventually be with me. I love her but do not need her to be happy. We just brought additional happiness into each others lives. Life sometimes has a way of burdening you down to the point you loose focus on whats really important and you take someone for grated. Thats the first mistake in a breakup.

 

Thanks for letting me vent some,

 

Jeff

[DragonGirl724]

without thinkin about it i always initiated a no contact w/ my ex's but then again i never loved them but regardless they always came back. so i guess if ur a good person & they leave for their own reasons they usually realize later what they did & NC helped bring all my ex's back, tho i dodnt love them like i said so i never took them back, felt no need to. but my ex im in love with now broke up w/ me and i really see us workin out in the long run, we both still love eachother & i want him back so bad so i made sure we are on good terms & i appologized for F'in up & he did too and he said he jus needs time to be single n chill w/ his boys so i think NC will again work in my favor. i think it is the way to go for the time being but every case is different. follow your heart u cant go wrong.

 

-DG724