An apology, and doubt

[RyanA1084]

So, to give a summary of everything to date as best I can: I broke up with my girlfriends of 5 months about a month ago. Our relationship started off being off and on for a month or so before that, but we both decided that we wanted it to work and were extremely happy together. But, she had some self esteem problems, which were made worse by some (mostly just the one) of my friends not liking her and not being very subtle about it. She had mood swings, and whenever she would start to feel down about things she would question the relationship and I would have to be reassuring and patch things up. As things went on, more and more often one of us would say something that hurt the other one. What finally did it was, I have an intership in Boston this summer, and I heard from a female friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a while and who I used to like who said she would be in Boston and that we should hang out. She's been dating a guy for a year and I have moved on from liking her, but I felt it would be the honest thing to do to tell my girlfriend that I might be hanging out with this girl. I knew she'd be jealous, but I weighed my options and decided that it would be better to tell her now than for her to find out later and think I was hiding something. So I told her, and she got sad and jealous, and said that maybe we should take a break for the 10 weeks I'd be gone. And instead of taking up my normal reassurance position, I said maybe she was right. This got us both upset, and from there we talked for a while, and the next day I ended it.

 

I know it broke her heart, and it broke mine because I really wanted it to work but it seemed like I was putting most of the effort into it and we were having more and more frequent problems. Still, when things were good I was really happy and so was she.

 

We've stayed in touch, though I know it's against the "no contact rule" talked about here a lot. I told her when we broke up that I still wanted to be friends and we're on good terms all things considered. The problem is, I can't help thinking about all the good times and wanting to change my mind. But then I remember the bad stuff and think well, maybe I just need to give it more time, that it's for the best.

 

Now today she left me a messagesaying that she wanted to get this off her chest: she apologized for taking me for granted, for asking me to do so much and not treating me with very much respect. She apologized for not being fair to my friends and not being fair to me when the situation with them wasn't something i could control. She apologized for catching me up in her emotional insecurites. She said that this experience was a great lesson for her for life ant that she would carry it with her in future relationships with both friends and family.

 

I had been pretty good the past few days but this morning I had been reminiscing already about the good times,and then reading this it made me want to take her back right then. I know I should give it time, but it's really hard sometimes.

 

I don't know if I had any particular question, just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone has been through anything similar or has anything to say, please do. Heh, I started this post thinking it would be pretty short, but i guess not. Thanks for listening.

[Scout]

Are you sure you didn't mention this chick in Boston because you were secretly hoping it would make your current girlfriend instigate a break? So that you could be free to pursue things with the other girl during your internship? I don't blame your current girlfriend for getting freaked out. Dude, you have some serious reassuring to do if you really want her back.

[RyanA1084]

No, I didn't mention the boston girl to instigate a break up. I mentioned it because it seemed like my only choice. She was a good friend of mine, and I felt that I was being given a second chance for our friendship. I told my girlfriend because it seemed the lesser of two evils. I dunno, maybe honesty wasn't the best policy and I shouldn't have had anything to do with this girl from my past in the first place. This issue was just what brought up the real problem, which had been slowly accumulating. It wasn't the reason we broke up. The reason I finally decided to end it was that I realized that I was putting all the effort into the relationship and she just kept questioning it, until finally I started to believe her doubts. A part of me says that even from the beginning we weren't as compatible as we wished we were, and we stayed together because most of all we both just wanted someone to be with. But then another part of me remembers the time we spent together and I know what I felt was real. She was so close to the perfect girl in my mind that maybe I overlooked some things that I shouldn't have. I don't know. As it stands right now, I miss her and I cant help thinking about going back, but at the same time, I think it's amazing that we lasted as long as we did and I don't want to go back only to go through all this pain again. It's hard to imagine anyone taking her place, but the way things were going, it couldn't have lasted.

 

Again, mostly just thinking aloud...thanks for listening...