An case against NC

[cuddlebug]

Hi all,

 

A lot of people say NC is the best thing since sliced bread, and I wanted to share my experience that, for me, some amount of contact has been essential in moving on for the two past breakups.

 

NC is great initially and when the emotions are overwhelming and confusion is huge. Some weeks and months of NC have been essential for me in both cases.

 

However, I have found it beneficial to break NC when my thoughts (misguidedly) lead to the conclusion that we were meant to be together forever, and the key was/is just to do X, Y, or Z... even years later. In those cases, both times, I made some kind of contact to try to "win back" my ex or "get new information", and when that failed, I had stronger resolve to move on.

 

Note: the type of contact was never begging or pleading. It was something light like, "Want to get coffee?" or "I saw this link online - isn't it cool?", just to test the waters. I'd say that usually one contact isn't enough, and it requires a patient follow-through over a few weeks or a month. I might start with, "Hey, saw this link and thought of you. [Funny joke]" and lead to, "It would make me really happy to get coffee, are you up for it sometime?", etc. I aim to be thoughtful about it and think hard about the type of interaction I'm aiming for, and what I want to get out of it.

 

The contact I aimed for was to make sure we are on good terms and there was an open door for him to walk through if he wants, or another time, to say something I never said, or to correct some behavior or statement from the past that I think I did wrong (inasmuch as is possible - he actually has to agree to see me for me to be able to do that, so the contact had to be delicate and not annoying).

 

Sometimes I felt like I had to go into the belly of the beast, so to speak, and get real facts about the reality of a situation, instead of living in my head, pining and wondering what might be. Sometimes the thought that inspired me was, "If this is love, then I have to try!" If that thought didn't go away despite pondering and pondering for weeks and months, I found that going in, and seeing what was there, was the right medicine. Each time I did this, I came out knowing, "It's over." Once it made me realize that he was quite different from the person in my daydreams.

 

With both exes, breaking NC gave me the information I needed to better understand that it was OVER and move on.

I don't think NC alone would have worked as well. Somehow I slept better at night afterwards, knowing I didn't leave stones unturned.

 

One analogy I can think of is that after an accident, there might be big shards of glass in your wound and you have to take out the huge ones but otherwise just walk away and let it heal (NC). However, after some time, it can be beneficial to go in carefully and remove the remaining shards of glass. This is painful or scary for a moment, but can have benefits in the long run.

 

Of course, I wouldn't recommend this with dangerous, awful exes, or when your life is in shambles and it's either NC or get fired from work, etc. Also, this is not an argument to break NC and beg/plead/cry just to be in their presence and relieve the intense pain of a breakup. I hope that nobody reads this and breaks NC when they should be maintaining NC in order to heal.

 

But... I do think that breaking NC in certain ways -- from the long letter, to the calm conversation, to the rejected dinner invitation, to the phone call when you find out they are in a new relationship --- has historically a place in healing, for many people, including me.

[Mauxly]

I agree! I strongly believe that NC is important right off the bat, like you said, when emotions are strong.

But my experience is that having contact way down the road is beneficial. But for me, only when I'm at least 95% over them (at least a year). Then the contact solidifies why we weren't meant for each other, and can lead to some pretty cool friendships.

[bish0p2004]

I agree. I posted this in another thread, but one of my previous ex's begged and pleaded with me for months to get back together after she left. When I eventually told her I was in love with someone else, she completely changed her feelings towards me and although we still talk, she is so focused on other things that she never even brings up the relationship.

[dflq123]

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[Crazyaboutdogs]

For some people it can give closure..for others it can re-open wounds and make them bleed again. Some people can get closure without having to put themselves "in harm's way" again.

[Hopeless1234]

Very valid points.

 

However, unfortunately it is when we need to do NC the most (right after a break-up when emotions are raw and fresh), that we rarely implement NC. When we are finally emotionally stable to break NC, that desire to break NC is rarely there. Life is just one big irony (mine is at least).

 

All I know is that I'd like to give some major kudos to those few that was able to keep their emotions under control and went into NC early on rather than making all the classical mistakes of begging/pleading. Those few really do have some amazing will power and self-control.

 

As for me, if this were to happen again in the future (God I hope it doesn't), I wouldn't be surprised if I make the same mistakes over again. I guess what I'd like to work on isn't how to be a "better dumpee", but rather learn how to avoid making the mistakes during the relationship that's going to lead me to where I am now.

[curiocity]

This is exactly why I wanted to send a holiday card to my (non)ex. But people say its a bad idea. I just want to know one last time if its really over. But I also have to make sure that if she doesnt reply that it doesnt push me back. My ex stopped replying, which is way more hurtful than saying no.

[tina-rocks]

For me breaking NC is a no go area.. Far too much pain to want to go down that road...

[ElChup]

I think NC is for the emotionally weak, not the emtionally strong. Sure, it takes guts initially to do it, but I feel that a person should only do so if they have an ex who treated them badly.

 

If the ex is a decent person and wants friendship I don't always subscribe to the notion that "they are taking advantage of the dumpee" by keeping them hanging on. To me, that presumes that the dumper is a malicious and selfish person. That's not always the case. Sometimes dumpers can care deeply for a partner but, for whatever difficult reason, not see their future with the dumpee.

 

The effect of the break up on me has been tremendous. Because I was not in full time work I was forced, at 32, to go back and live with my parents, they don't even have room for me anymore, and I have to live miles away from my home (I have an apartment which has to stay let to tenants until I am back in work) and my friends. I have no life and no job, and top it off my dad has cancer. Since the break up five weeks ago I have not gone anywhere or done anything.....and that is in contrast to a life of socialising, travelling the world and a nice home that we built together (that she now has). Now, I know she is hurting and is finding it difficult to break contact. She comments on my Facebook regularly and has invited me to dinner tomorrow (although no suggestion of reconciliation). However, for the past week her parents have been in town and she has been offline so there was little contact. That had a bad effect on me because it rammed home to me how all alone I am now in this world. How everything in my life has collapsed.

 

At least by staying in contact and being friends I can adjust my life to the notion that she has moved on and so I can see it for my own eyes and understand it. I think, with all the other crap that is happening to me, for me to live my non-life on the basis of not knowing whether or not she will get in contact again, and therefore may reconcile, will make it harder. I feel that they way I am doing this is almost as if I am tapering off from am addiction, and I feel that it has been easier that way so far.

[tina-rocks]

We all have our own ways of dealing with loss.. No matter what the circumstance.

 

Pain is a part of life that we all have to deal with but saying that NC is for the emotionally weak I do not agree with. It takes a lot of strength for anyone to take this step and not just for an initial period but long term. For whatever reason breakup occurs, NC can be a good way of letting go and it takes a strong minded person to keep it going. If you are able to carrying on without it thats also great but it's not for all of us.

 

Take care you will get through this.

 

Christina x

[susie198]

NC is what you do when you have accepted, that for now at least, it's over. NC is what you do whem you put yourself first and realise that you need time to de-couple and heal physically and emotionally from the loss you have sustained. But it can be a brutal tool and one that some people find hard to yield. And they will find all sorts of reasons to justify why they shouldn't do it. They need answers to questions, they need "closure", they have belongings to return, etc etc etc.

 

I was a little surprised to see you say that no contact is for the emotionally weak - in my opinion, it's an incredibly tough thing to do, much tougher than having sporadic contact. You see to do it, you have to constantly ground yourself in reality - i.e. that the relationship is over. That is incredibly painful. But it is a necessary part of accepting the loss. Hoping for a reconciliation and having sporadic contact to see if that might work out, is not accepting the loss. It is being in denial. Denial is a normal part of grieving, but it's only a step in the journey to acceptance.

 

When we're in love, we have increased levels of feel good chemicals circulating in our brain. When we split from a partner, we go into withdrawal from these chemicals. It takes 3 - 4 weeks (on average) for the levels to even out and your brain to adjust. That is why the first month is harder. We are literally going through drug withdrawal. This is verified scientifically - you can check it out on the internet.

 

Each time you have contact, you get a little dose of chemicals and re-addict yourself. So the healing has to start all over again. Eventually, if you have sporadic contact, you will heal, but its longer and harder when you have contact. Anyone who has children and who has to maintain contact with their ex for the sake of the children will agree with this I suspect. You get there, but it just takes longer.

 

Where there are no children, if there is going to be contact, I would say that a sufficient period of time needs to pass after the split - ideally two to three months. At that stage, people are calmer and more able to deal with questions and answers that may need addressed. It also avoids the couple getting back together out of emotional need, rather than because they are really compatible. So I guess at one stage, it might be good to have a conversation and maybe some light contact to help the couple look back more calmly at what happened and help them get closure or maybe decide they would like to try again, but for me at least, I think this should be months, rather than days or weeks after the split.

 

This is just my opinion. If your way is right for you, then that is fantastic. But be sure you have accepted for now that it's over. Pretending that it isn't can delay your healing.

 

I wish you peace in your heart.

 

Susie

[fearless31]

susie i think you have some good advice here and make some very valid points about contact...thanks for sharing!

 

i agree with a lot of this because although i was (previously) finding reasons to contact him about our apartment, every time i did i had a temporary 'high' and then would come crashing down later...so your comparison of it to a drug withdrawal is right on...