Letting Go Of The Past Is Different To Letting Go Of An Ex

[Rob1000]

This past two weeks, since I found out my ex is with somoene new, there has been a complete shift in my thinking. I've noticed that I've let her go unquestionably and the thoughts of ever getting back with her have completely faded. I don't even think about 'her' that much.

 

But what I have noticed is that I'm still in mourning the loss of 5 years of my life, the plans we had made, the trips we took, the great memories I had with someone I shared absolutely everything with. I cried my eyes out this morning again, but not for the person who my ex is now, because she's essentially a stranger, but for someone who I was with for such a long time. So when I think of her, instead of thinking of her in the present tense, i'm conjuring up the images of us together in the past and getting really emotional about it. I'm still so upset that something that was SO WONDERFUL for the most part is no more.

 

I can handle that she's not with me anymore, and I can see why it ended and why we could never go back, but I just wish so much that it had worked out differently. It seems such a shame that we just couldn't work it out. I'm just so sad that such a great part of my life came to an unfortunate and pre-mature end.

 

So while I have let her go, I'm finding it even more difficult to let go of the past 5 years.

[quirky]

Yeah, I think I have similar feelings, being sad to let go of our world or something because I felt like I belonged there. I know it wouldn't work out so maybe we feel like somewhere in between..not wanting the relationship back but a powerlessness and inevitability of some sort, can't completely pinpoint it.

[libra89]

It is good to realise what is the source of your sadness. I found it helpful to know that while the past was wonderful, it is impossible to go back. It is like we can never be a child, innocent and totally carefree again. Life moves on in phases and as we sail through the phases, we just have to cherish what we have right now and not look back. This is how life is. It keeps going on and on, without stopping and is happening right at this very moment. So try to focus on the good in life now. =)

 

Hope this helps a little bit. Take care Rob!

[supercalifragilistic]

I'm feeling pretty much the same thing. Except I haven't been able to truly accept it yet. I keep hoping for some crazy miracle that will not only change my ex back to who he was, but will make him even better.

 

I'm also mourning the same things. I shared everything with him and we knew each other so well, got along so well. We felt totally comfortable around each other. We were making plans as well, he had said he wanted to be with me forever, and I obviously wanted that, I was really looking forward to living with him and getting married, traveling together.

 

It really is sad that all that we had doesn't exist anymore and never will in this same way. That all the times you thought the relationship was forever and you were wrong. That this other person never truly loved you as much as you love them. Or maybe they did but thought it would never work, but it sure feels like they never did.

 

I keep thinking how the only person who knew how to comfort me, who could just hold me and I would instantly feel better, if the person who "caused" most of the pain I'm in, and I'm all alone in this. There may be a few friends and family members who care, but I am all alone.

[jess2009]

this shall pass too..........i am in the same boat as you are ....i guess over time..this feelings might settle down as well

[mr.mac]

Hey Rob, I think that it's ok to feel sad for the past and to even miss it. I think about my past a lot and I had some amazing times with my ex. For whatever reason the relationship just didn't work out, but that doesn't make the great times go away. What you are going through is normal and also something you shouldn't feel bad about. I've never felt like moving on meant that you had to forget and I think where you are now is a good step in the healing process. Every day is a journey and while your journey has, currently, left you missing what once was, her journey has taken her to someone else. And, at some point, you'll find someone new who you'll create new memories with. Just stay strong, brother. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have come a long way.

[Triplell]

The great thing is this, and think of it this way:

 

You had a wonderful time with her. You were happy. Guess what? You can make someone else just as happy and have just as good as time with them. So think about the past a little, think about the future a little more, and think about right now the most. Have fun, live life.

[Nappyloxs]

Same here Rob:

 

I actually asked a friend yesterday if the ex and I appeared to be a good couple. You know how you see some couples that you can tell are just meant for each other. He said we just seemed irritated alot. It has some truth to it in some degree, but also she did not like him (or any of my friends) because he took away from her time.

 

I want to believe we were a great couple. Obviously we weren't because of where we are today.

[Rob1000]

I was wondering where you had got to. I've had a strange couple of weeks!!

 

Everything you say is always true. I have made huge progress, but it still gets me way too much. I still feel that I should be further on the road to recovery than I am. I invested sooo much in this girl. Way more than I thought I did. There's so much I want to say to her still but its all a bit redundant at this point!!

 

On an up note, I have a date tomorrow night with a girl who's had a similar year to me!! We'll see how that goes!

[Rob1000]

Same here Rob:

 

I actually asked a friend yesterday if the ex and I appeared to be a good couple. You know how you see some couples that you can tell are just meant for each other. He said we just seemed irritated alot. It has some truth to it in some degree, but also she did not like him (or any of my friends) because he took away from her time.

 

I want to believe we were a great couple. Obviously we weren't because of where we are today.

I can relate to that so much, mate. To all my friends we were the golden couple. Everyone thought we were perfect for eachother! But as you say we obviously weren't that great since we have now broken up.

[Rob1000]

The great thing is this, and think of it this way:

 

You had a wonderful time with her. You were happy. Guess what? You can make someone else just as happy and have just as good as time with them. So think about the past a little, think about the future a little more, and think about right now the most. Have fun, live life.

PMA, I love it!!

[mr.mac]

I was wondering where you had got to. I've had a strange couple of weeks!!

 

Everything you say is always true. I have made huge progress, but it still gets me way too much. I still feel that I should be further on the road to recovery than I am. I invested sooo much in this girl. Way more than I thought I did. There's so much I want to say to her still but its all a bit redundant at this point!!

 

On an up note, I have a date tomorrow night with a girl who's had a similar year to me!! We'll see how that goes!

 

See the part in bold. That is why I think you are being hard on yourself. You invested a lot and it takes time to get over that. You had years together and you built something together, you can't shake that in a few months. It's a process and it's ok to think about your past in fond way, but like someone else already said, think about the future more. There are so many unknown and amazing things just waiting to happen!

 

Excellent news about the date! Just don't dwell on your past relationship. Even if she has gone through the same thing she probably doesn't want your ex to be the star of the evening. Make her your focal point and, for crying out loud, have some fun!

[Rob1000]

Excellent news about the date! Just don't dwell on your past relationship. Even if she has gone through the same thing she probably doesn't want your ex to be the star of the evening. Make her your focal point and, for crying out loud, have some fun!

Hell no.... we will have fun!!

[mr.mac]

Hell no.... we will have fun!!

 

That's what I like to hear! Keep us posted on how it goes!

[surfNski]

Good luck on the date Rob!

 

I for sure miss the past at times but I mis the future as well. Like you I invested so much into this girl, we planned our lives together. I miss all the hopes and dreams we had....

I know people say I will find that again with someone else but thats hard for me to believe most days. Maybe I need a date to..lol

 

Have fun man, I hope all goes well...

[jaylh25]

Hey mate, I dont think you ever forget the special times and its perfectly normal to feel the pain you do at this stage. 5 years is a long time and no doubt had many special memories. Its hard not to think why did they just walk away and let all that go but they did and all you can do is focus on the future and try not dwell on the past.

 

Good luck on your date!

[Mustachio]

Yea, as was already said, good luck with the date.

 

Honestly though, I know how you feel about how do you make sense in your head that something that was good and something that lasted 5 years is suddenly gone, how do you rationalize all that time that in a sense feels like it was wasted.

 

In your case, since your relationship was mostly good though, I would take the stance that it was 5 great years of your life, so it never was wasted, and just try and look back fondly on that time. What I truly dont understand is how I could have wasted 7 years for something that wasnt good... how do I makes sense of that one?

 

But you seem to be doing really well from the recent posts I have read of yours, keep it up, and as you can already tell, you have plenty of people on here to support you when you need

[Rob1000]

Its hard not to think why did they just walk away and let all that go )

Thats the bit I find strangest, mate. She let it all go so easily. Well maybe she didnt but it sure seems that way. She didnt put up any fight for us and everything we did and shared together.

[Rob1000]

 

In your case, since your relationship was mostly good though, I would take the stance that it was 5 great years of your life, so it never was wasted, and just try and look back fondly on that time.

I do look back fondly on those times, that's the trouble. I look back and think of the amazing times we had. Maybe she does too and thats why she came looking for the photos a few months ago. It just hurts that everything we did was let go and put in to a box so bloody easily. One day she was just gone, never to return.

[jaylh25]

Yep I know mate. Its the hardest thing for me to take and understand. After 6 years and everything we went through together she just walked without a word and without a fight. She will always have a special place in my heart, I had 6 fantastic years with her and I will always cherish the memories... but.... I will never forget just how easily she let it all go in the blink of an eye.

 

In my mind, if your unhappy in a relationship you sit down and talk about it and see if you can work out your problems. To just walk and go looking for someone immediately or towards the end says a lot about their character. My friends and family just keep telling me if she could do it so easily then imagine if we would have got married, had kids etc..

 

I've just posted a good article on another thread about moving on.. have a read, its helped me a lot these last few days as im back at the house we lived in for the weekend and its brought all the memories back...

[Rob1000]

I just read it... its great. But isn't it weird how you decide to move on, then you suddenly think to yourself "but I dont want to"!! I find that happens all the time. Reminds me of the movie 'Swingers'. How come you're back at the old house again??

 

Yeah I nearly DID marry the girl who was able to leave me then go and find someone else straight away. I never knew we were in seriousl trouble of breaking up until it was too late. If she had just said to me one day; "we need to work on things, or we could end up apart", then I would have stopped everything and taken stock of what I had to do. One day she came home and told me she didnt feel the same any more. By then it was too late.

[jaylh25]

Yep same here mate.. when me and the ex spoke about the split I always said I would never forget how she just walked without talking and without a fight. If she would have sat down and told me what was making her unhappy then of course I would have worked on it. Its one thing i will never understand about everything that happened.

 

As for moving on, yeah its hard especially when thoughts start wandering to some of the good times but ultimately we have no choice. You just have to keep reminding yourself to stop the thoughts and concentrate on something else.

 

Im back at the house as I still have biz in this city and of course, friends. I was going to sell the house and try not come back here for a while but I decided I just had to get on with my life and try not make decisions based around what happened. Slowly but surely the emotions when I come back are subsiding. I guess its just time to start living again - its been over a year since we first split and i've shed enough tears i think!

[smurfy1988]

E: sorry i bumped the wrong thread