Amazing First Date... so now what?

[dolcedolore]

I just had probably the most perfect date. The guy was everything that I could see myself dating. He was interested in what I was saying, and was doing the typical "flirting" things that guys do on dates.

 

 

So now what? I'm all for taking this slow, and that really does seem right for some reason. Maybe it's just because of how genuine he is. Should I worry that we didn't even do the fake "we should do this again sometime" thing? We are both busy people, so how long should I wait to contact him? Should I wait until he contacts me? If I do contact him first, what should I say?

 

Well, regardless of what happens, I had a perfect date tonight

[mysticdaisy]

If you want to talk to him, then contact him! You should have a date idea and time planned, plus a backup maybe, and then call and basically, 1) discuss the date for a little bit 2) offer your preplanned date idea 3) be prepared for either answer. If he can't make it, it's best to deflect in a way that leaves the ball in his court at this point. 4) maybe chat a tiny bit longer, compliment him or mention an inside joke or something, and then exit quickly.

[dolcedolore]

Hmmm. I just don't know what's too soon. We didn't specify anything else, is that bad? For all I know, he could never want to see me again. But the date went really well... I can't have just imagined that. It's so hard to judge, and I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. The first date was kind of a mutual thing, so I'm not necessarily sure it's "my turn" to set up a date, although I would be willing to do that too.

 

I was thinking that if I don't hear back from him, I would just text him and say that I had a great time again, etc. Then it leaves everything in his court. Can't decide if that's good or bad.

 

Guys, what would you think here? If a girl texted you a message two days after the date, would you feel flattered?

[Mirre]

Hmm... I wouldn't initiate a second date, I think that's the guy's job in the beginning. But I would send him a short message where you thank him for the date and that you had a wonderfull time!

 

Then the door is open for him to ask you again!

 

This works always best for me!

[dolcedolore]

Yeah, I like that idea. When I do send him a message, should I say something about wanting to do it again sometime? Oh... and is it best to wait for tomorrow? Or just go ahead and send him a text today? I don't want to be too clingy, but I also want to show him I am interested.

[mysticdaisy]

Guys, what would you think here? If a girl texted you a message two days after the date, would you feel flattered?

 

Yes, but I would be much more flattered and impressed if a girl liked me enough to flaunt these ridiculous conventions from the 1700s or whatever and actually ask me out.

 

Do you even want to really be with a guy who is seeking a completely stereotypical girl to the degree that he would get insulted if you expressed interest in him...?

[ycmanvs]

I think it is a good idea to send a message saying that you had a great time and that you would like to do it again. If he does not respond to that, then he is not interested. A lot of times guys like a little push in the beginning to make sure that you actually like them.

[Batya33]

If you said a sincere thank you and showed interest back then the ball is in his court to call - that is the only "gentle push" the vast majority of guys need in my personal experience over decades of dating and with hundreds of men who were friends, dates, more, including the men my friends knew, dated, were involved with.

 

If you are going to send a transparent "thanks again" e-mail (meaning, I am really writing so you'll ask me out again - which is most of the reason for an email like that), then you might as well go ahead and call him and ask him out (which I would not advise, but it's more genuine than the thanks again e-mail). It's not a great sign that he didn't try to schedule a second date but not necesarily a bad sign. I don't think it's fake at all for a man to suggest that you get together again, unless he doesn't mean it. Busy is no reason for him not to call you within the week and schedule another date.

 

You'll know in a week (unless he is in the middle of some emergency) whether he is interested in seeing you again. I know it's hard to wait after a great first date but I think it's worth it to let him do more of the asking in the beginning. If the second date goes well, then maybe you can suggest at the end "love to do this again sometime" if he doesn't. But I wouldn't now, because you risk upsetting the sometimes fragile "dance of intimacy" in the beginning stages which I think works best if you show sincere interest, thank him, but let him ask for the second date. If you do, no big deal, just pointing out the risks of asking him out at this point.

 

Glad it went well - you have great memories even if it is a one date wonder!

[lady00]

I think it is a good idea to send a message saying that you had a great time and that you would like to do it again. If he does not respond to that, then he is not interested. A lot of times guys like a little push in the beginning to make sure that you actually like them.

 

I agree. I think this is a good approach. I think this shows that you are enthusiastic about seeing him again.

[Batya33]

I agree. I think this is a good approach. I think this shows that you are enthusiastic about seeing him again.

 

I think it's far better to show enthusiasm while on the date, in person since the follow up "thanks again" as I wrote is really "please please ask me out again".

[lady00]

I think it's far better to show enthusiasm while on the date, in person since the follow up "thanks again" as I wrote is really "please please ask me out again".

 

I understand that that is your opinion. I simply disagree with you on this one. I do not perceive a follow up thank you as a sign of desperation or as overkill (which is implied by saying it means "please please ask me out again,").

[GernBlanston]

Yes, but I would be much more flattered and impressed if a girl liked me enough to flaunt these ridiculous conventions from the 1700s or whatever and actually ask me out.

Completely agree. Again, there's nothing wrong with a woman taking initiative with respect to asking a man out.

 

If you said a sincere thank you and showed interest back then the ball is in his court to call - that is the only "gentle push" the vast majority of guys need in my personal experience over decades of dating and with hundreds of men who were friends, dates, more, including the men my friends knew, dated, were involved with.

dolcedolore, keep in mind that Batya33 has previously misrepresented the kind of dating experience she's had. While she may very well have first hand and second hand experience with dating many men, she doesn't have a great deal of experience when it comes to asking men out. It may not be wise to take her advice when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

Best of luck and hope things work out for you both!

[Batya33]

I understand that that is your opinion. I simply disagree with you on this one. I do not perceive a follow up thank you as a sign of desperation or as overkill (which is implied by saying it means "please please ask me out again,").

 

Yes, you understand correctly ;-). I know you don't perceive it that way; every guy I've ever spoken with does - they might like the thank you "oh how nice" but then they also know "wow she REALLY likes me" and that's not always the best approach after a first date - the opposite extreme is bad too but it works better in my opinion if the woman shows interest and enthusiasm while on the date and then lets the man reflect on the great date and call her (if he hasn't already asked her out for a second date). I don't think "play hard to get" is the right approach but a wee bit of a challenge - just a taste - is always a good thing. The transparent thank you email kills that.

[GernBlanston]

Yes, you understand correctly ;-). I know you don't perceive it that way; every guy I've ever spoken with does - they might like the thank you "oh how nice" but then they also know "wow she REALLY likes me" and that's not always the best approach after a first date

Every guy she's spoken with, but not including a considerable number of men who've professed the opposite opinion here on eNA. So when it comes to this question, either Batya33 has limited experience with men after all, or she's not being truthful regarding what they've said to her.

 

I don't think "play hard to get" is the right approach but a wee bit of a challenge - just a taste - is always a good thing. The transparent thank you email kills that.

dolcedolore, do you really want to be the kind of person that plays games like this. In the long run, wouldn't you feel better about being honest with your feelings, rather than hiding them from someone with whom you might like to have a deeper relationship.

[dolcedolore]

Well, I haven't heard back from him yet. I think I might call him tomorrow. If he doesn't respond, then that's alright and I'll just move on.

 

Thanks for all the advice.

[Batya33]

"dolcedolore, do you really want to be the kind of person that plays games like this. In the long run, wouldn't you feel better about being honest with your feelings, rather than hiding them from someone with whom you might like to have a deeper relationship.

 

OP- please don't confuse honesty with openness or oversharing. Of course you should be honest, but honesty doesn't require sharing feelings that might be too much too soon for you, for the other person or might be selfish (as in if you decide to share how interested you are in someone too early on in oder to find out if the feelings are reciprocated, that's being done for you, not for him, and it might overhwelm him in a bad way because it's oversharing, too much, too soon.

 

It's totally reasonable - and to me, advisable - to get to know someone at a reasonable pace over a period of time, where you choose to share deeper parts of yourself (and your level of interest if that involves sharing deep feelings and intentions early on) taking into account the other person's personality, the timing, the context, and why you are sharing what yo're sharing with this person.

 

I defnitey got turned off early on if a man came on too strong and had he said he was "just being honest" that would concern me as far as knowing the difference between honesty and openness/sharing -- many of my friends and acquaintances found this a big turn off in the beginning - both men and women.

 

 

Definitely don't play games, as I wrote in my post above, but also be aware that in the beginning when you feel vulnerable your usual confident self might go to pieces - so it's good to remnd yourself where your motivaton is coming from to contact him and to hold back just a bit so that you give the guy a chance to get to know you at a reasonable pace - sort of like unwrapping a package - it's more interesting and exciting if you let the dance of intimacy progress- let him come to you as well as you coming to him and don't be overly eager or overly available.

 

I am typing here so it's hard to convey the degree to which I mean "overly" available - I think you can figure that out for yurself - but I certainly don't advise to go to any extremes of playing games or being unavailable. It does require paying close attention to his vibes/energyand letting him do more of the initiating of contact especially in the early stages (and I would say in the very beginning -let him do most - you'll be doing him a favor because it's more comfortable for him).

 

I also would work on accepting silence as your answer in the beginning - if you show interest and enthusiasm on the date, and he doesn't calll you, there's no need to follow up - I'd say if you've been out more than 4 or 5 times and it's become more of a steady thing, sure, call if you don't hear - but after one or two dates, there's no need to confirm and sometimes men who are otherwise interested, or on the fence, find it a turn off to hear from a woman they haven't called yet because again it comes accross as a bit needy (or more than a bit). Neediness is normal but it's better in the beginning not to subject the other person to your neediness - wait until you get to know him and he knows that typically you are a confident person - then seeing the side of you that gets insecure or needy will be balanced against him knowing you well - but as a first or early impression - not the best idea.

 

That's just my opinion - not right or wrong - and good luck!

[ycmanvs]

It does not sound like she made it clear how much she enjoyed the date. So leaving him a message is not too "available".

[brazilgirl21]

As much as I have disagreed with Batya a lot of times, she speaks the truth 99,9% of them. Some guys at ENA seems really sensitive and would LOVE a girl to chase him, but in the real world, guys are guys. They like the chase. It's THEIR thing.

 

This is not playing games but simply leaving the ball on their court. Playing games would be if he called you, and you said you were busy if he asked you out when you aren't - that's a game. Waiting for a man to call is NOT a games.

 

Do I always follow this rule? No. But most of the times, when I don't, things don't evolve as naturally as it should. It doesn't mean it won't work, just that waiting for the man to initiate dates in the beginning is more effective, from my experience.

 

In regards to the thank you for the date - I normally do it. If not in the first date, definetly on the second. BUT, I send it minutes AFTER the date and not a day or 2 after it. That way, I don't feel like I'm asking him to invite me out again.

 

I think adding on facebook/talking on msn is the only really ok to initiate after a first/second date since it's pretty "casual". Texting and specially calling - I'd rather wait for the guy.

 

With that said, however, AFTER 1 week, if I really like the guy I will DEFINETLY go for it and text just to see if this is a case of the guy being super shy and insecure. Because if after 1 week he hasn't contacted me, it won't work anyways so I might as well go for the kill... In some rare ocassions, this can work.

[ycmanvs]

Totally agree with this. What do you have to lose at this point?

[Batya33]

It does not sound like she made it clear how much she enjoyed the date. So leaving him a message is not too "available".

 

Oh, I disagree -- I don't think a woman has to jump up and down with enthusiasm and from what she described I think she showed more than enough interest. But that's cool -let's see what happens...

[brazilgirl21]

Totally agree with this. What do you have to lose at this point?

 

Exactly, if he finds me needy and desperate, his problem. What do I have to lose you know? I don't feel like I'm losing my dignity or anything if I text him after a 1 week after a great date. However, the rejection is a bit painful, as always. But not worse than the uncertainty of "what could have been" if I did contact him.

 

I don't deal very well with silences as an answer. Sometimes I wish I did! haha

[Batya33]

I don't think anyone should chase anyone, just to be clear. I asked men out and didn't feel like I was chasing them and when they asked me out first I didn't feel chased.

 

That's interesting about contacting right after the date but I guess it depends how the date ends. As far as the super shy or insecure I think that's obvious while on the date - and at least for me if that were the case it wouldn't be a good date if he barely spoke to me and couldn't joke around because he was so super shy and insecure, so I probably wouldn't want to call. I think many women tell themselves that the guy isn't calling because he's insecure to justify getting in touch so I'd be careful about that analysis.

 

I also find it interesting that just because technology now lets us text, type, add on facebook that that is seen as less contact than calling. I don't think that's true - from the woman's point of view - because I think a man hearing from a woman after a first or second date - whether it's by telegram (which happened to a close friend of mine - they were married after that for 20 years!), skywriting, phone or text - gives the impression to the man of "wow she contacted me - she must really like me"

 

Now, having had less experience with texting in the dating scene (only through friends, never did it myself) and the same with adding on MSN or FB, perhaps that's different but I sure did a lot of emailing and IMing and I treated that the same as if I was deciding to call him as far as the impression I was conveying. But, interesting theory!

 

And I totally agree with your definition of "games" - and that we shouldn't play those games.

[Batya33]

Exactly, if he finds me needy and desperate, his problem. What do I have to lose you know? I don't feel like I'm losing my dignity or anything if I text him after a 1 week after a great date. However, the rejection is a bit painful, as always. But not worse than the uncertainty of "what could have been" if I did contact him.

 

I don't deal very well with silences as an answer. Sometimes I wish I did! haha

 

No loss of dignity but it could sway the guy's interest from "hmm I think i want to see her again" to "hmmm she is really interested at this point and I am not as interested so I'd better err on the side of not seeing her again" or "hmmm I wonder if this is a sign of her clinginess if I do date her". In truth you might not be "so" interested - you just text because you are interested and want to give things a chance - but that's not the impression you give to him.

 

I found it very freeing and empowering to accept "silence as closure".

[brazilgirl21]

Batya - Maybe when I'm more mature/experienced I'll be able to accept silence as closure. I was 17 when I started going out with my boyfriend, so this year is really the first year I'm REALLY dating as a grown up, you know? I do feel like I'm learning and imporving. Small steps, but I feel like I am learning.

 

As for facebook/msn - well, although it is NOT ideal, it is more casual than a phone call. If you add on facebook but doesn't get a message I always think: "umm, he added me on facebook but didn't leave a message/text me, is he interested?". Same way if a guy says "Hi" to me on msn but doesn't ask me out. It's better not to do any of it, but it is more casual than a text/call IMO.

[GernBlanston]

Some guys at ENA seems really sensitive and would LOVE a girl to chase him, but in the real world, guys are guys. They like the chase. It's THEIR thing.

It's a shame you've let yourself be convinced by women like Batya33 who like to tell this story about men. Admittedly, there may be some men who like to chase, but there are as many, or many more, that don't. Perpetuating this misconception about men is not about ensuring that men are more comfortable in the initial stages of dating. It's about ensuring that women are more comfortable. It's a way to justify not asking men out and therefore to avoid the risk of being directly rejected by men. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want all women to ask men out and no men to ask women out. This is just a call for honesty about our motivations and a hope that this particular message about men will be exposed as a convenient falsehood.