fought w/my bf about stuff from the past. He didn't do anything wrong this time.

[sandrawg]

I am sitting here feeling lower than low because the last 2 nights, me and my bf had a totally unnecessary fight.

 

Some background - we've been on and off for 2 years. He did some very disrespectful things in the past - lied to me more than once. Was a heavy drinker, and the partying tore us apart as well. In the last 2 months, we have given it one more try, and things have genuinely been much better. I've been very happy, and he'd been making an effort to change his life. He wasn't drinking hardly at all, not going out with his friends much...no more staying out late.

 

He's always been very loving and attentive and sweet.

 

There were a few things that led to this big blow-out we had. First, I was laid off 2 months ago and cannot find another job. This is stressing me out.

 

Secondly, I agreed it would be ok if we went out with his friends on Halloween, and he ended up drinking more than I would've liked. He didn't get stupid fall-down drunk like he used to, but he was doing a couple of shots at the end of the night, and for someone who is not used to drinking for a while, that made him somewhat obnoxiously tipsy, but not drunk.

 

I told him it was ok, but I think in the back of my mind I'm concerned he's going to go back to his old behaviors.

 

Third, there's this ex of his who he hung out with behind my back, then hooked up with during one of our breakups. Our last breakup was July 4th, over his drinking, and I found out that he contacted her RIGHT after that and asked her to hang out. She had a boyfriend, so tough luck, but that is still bugging me, I think. Mainly cuz he had smack talked her so much while we were together, and had accused HER of stalking and bugging him...seems like it's the other way around if he's contacting her as soon as we break up all the time, don't you think?

 

So, the trigger was, he went out to dinner with an old,old friend of his-I had had problems with her in the past. When we were first together 2yrs ago, she refused to meet me and I suspect it's because she's in love with him (I won't go into why I think this, but I have good reason). They hadn't seen each other in months, so I had no problem with him going to dinner with her. But then he didn't text me all night to say when he'd be home, and I got annoyed and jealous.

 

She invited him to her birthday party friday night, and he actually had to ask if it would be OK if he brought me along. It sounded like, from the way he described it, that she wasn't too keen on it, but didn't object. She did say she'd probably be drunk as a skunk and not all that friendly. Needless to say, this didn't make me too eager to go, nor do I feel totally comfortable about him going by himself.

 

So, we got into a discussion about the upcoming birthday party, and his friend, and it turned into a big argument where I ended up breaking up all kinds of things from the past I still have resentment over, including his stupid ex. I brought up that I don't understand why he contacted her after our last break up, given everything she did to try to steal him away from me and succeeded for a while. (Note: since we've been back together, I don't think he's had any contact with her. So why is this still bugging me??)

 

Thing is, he didn't do anything wrong in this situation - I think it's a combination of, I am having trouble letting go of my past resentment, plus I'm feeling rejected and abandoned all the way around, given my difficulty finding work, and trying to scramble for money...it's all too much. I feel like I'm cracking.

 

What do you guys think-I feel like I can't stay with him if I can't get over the past-it's just going to make him miserable. But I don't know how to get over it.

[ohdammm]

If you are going to try and work things out with him you need to learn how to let things go. Holding a grudge on things that happened in the past will only lead to bad things as in trust issues, self esteem problems, jealousy etc. When you guys got back together, that should have been your OKAY to let things go. If you are still holding on to things that happened previously and holding resentment towards him, its not fair to him nor yourself to continue to be with him. He got back with you thinking that you forgave it. It is true.. you forgive but you never forget. If this is the case, you need to forget, not only to save yourself from going crazy, but to save this relationship. He wouldn't still be with you if he didn't love you and want things to work out. Being in a relationship is all about being in a team, and sitting there pointing fingers about things that happened in the past will only make him feel belittled like he is the only one doing something wrong. It seems as if you still have some self esteem and trust issues that you need to work on if you want this to all work out. And if i were you, i would have trust and self esteem issues too, so dont get me wrong! He is willing to work on his problems, now its time to focus on yours

[sandrawg]

Thanks, Ohdahmmm...how do I do that?

 

I'm unemployed and pay for my own health insurance, so I don't have any therapy benefits.

 

I can't seem to get over this feeling that he's going to run to his ex the first time we have some problem, cuz that's what kept happening before.

 

I also have trust issues from previous relationships. I read these forums and I see what kind of slimy behavior people engage in on a regular basis, and it makes me just wanna give up on any kind of relationship at all.

[ohdammm]

I had the same problem with my boyfriend. He was so bent out of shape from his ex and was so head over heels with his ex and i was so afraid that if she were to ever come back in the picture, i would be out of the picture. You honestly just have to sit back and evaluate your relationship. Have trust in yourself and him. He is with YOU for a reason, right? He left HER for a reason. If you keep thinking and thinking that he is going to leave you and go to her, then guess what... its going to happen. Just be positive my dear. The more negative you are about situations, the more negative the outcome. Just think of it this way. You are the best thing that has ever happened to him, and if he does decide to go back to her, then he is stupid. And just missed out on the best thing in his life for some stupid mistake that he left years ago and he will regret it.

 

Talk to him. Let this argument blow over, let emotions be set aside. Then talk to him. Let him know how you really feel. And i guarantee you reassurance will come out of his mouth about how much he loves you and would never do anything to hurt you. Just tell him exactly how you feel and you want to be honest with him because it is tearing you up inside. The best thing to do when something is bothering you about your significant other is to talk. The more you let things bottle up the worse it gets. I used to do that, and i would blow up over the littlest thing and then i would be like a volcano of past things that happened and would throw them at my boyfriend like a baseball. He had no idea how i felt about things because i wouldnt express them until months later.

 

So just talk to him.

[sandrawg]

Thanks so much. Yeah-that's me, the volcano that blows up and throws out all kinds of accusations. It's like a snowball effect-once it starts, it gets out of control. He tries to stop it by asking what do I need to calm me down, but I just get sooo angry. It's almost like I become a different person. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has struggled with this.

[Ms Darcy]

Have you always had these types of anger issues?

[sandrawg]

Nope. Only since recently. My exh divorced me in 2005 and I got into a rebound with a verbally abusive guy. Since then I have had anger issues. He was a very angry person and he treated me like dirt. Since then I have been hypervigilant about being respected, and people sometimes tell me I overreact to what I think is mistreatment.

 

However, my bf really did disrespect me in the past-he lied and played games about his ex. But in the last 2 months, he has really been making serious changes. This is why I feel so bad about the argument we had last night.

 

Have you always had these types of anger issues?

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I think one really important follow-up question to "how do you let go of resentment about the past?" is to ask yourself how you would feel if he was completely out of your life as a romantic partner?

[sandrawg]

I would miss him. Every time we've broken up in the past, I've been devastated.

 

Maybe I should have the attitude of, he's with me now. He chose me and not her. If he decides to go back to her, I can't control that. I dunno.

[trezeralietas]

Maybe I should have the attitude of, he's with me now. He chose me and not her. If he decides to go back to her, I can't control that. I dunno.

 

That sounds like the exact right attitude to take, if you ask me.

 

I've been there too! Just relax and remember that he is with you. He has come back how many times? He hasn't given up on your relationship. Trust that. Good luck!

[sandrawg]

Thanks. He may have given up this time. I know if I can't control my anger there is no point in us being together.

 

 

That sounds like the exact right attitude to take, if you ask me.

 

I've been there too! Just relax and remember that he is with you. He has come back how many times? He hasn't given up on your relationship. Trust that. Good luck!

[Scarlet 1]

You see you have two choices, you can trust him or leave him. you just have to decide which one you want to choose. as far as the forgetting thing goes. everytime you think of the past maybe you should just try and think of something else. basically forcing yourself to forget. you will always wonder if he will cheat on you because you don't want to get hurt again but there is where the trust comes in again you see. have you spoken to him since the fight?

[sandrawg]

Yes-you're right. I either forget about the past, trust him, and move forward, or let him go.

 

We spoke a little bit last night. He came to my place after work to get a few of his things, then went to his place. I told him, he's been great the last 2 months but I am still struggling with stuff from the past. There was a lot of bs'ing going on, on his part, and quite a few broken promises. Lots of pretending to change, but then going back to the same behaviors that drove me away. So, I've been feeling like the other shoe is gonna drop and it's going to happen again, which is sabotaging and destructive.

 

The one thing I can't understand is, why after everything we went through with his ex, would he friend her the last time we broke up. He facebook friended her and sent her an apology for the drama, then asked if she wanted to hang out. This is after him telling me many times, how angry he was that she had lied to me about stuff he said. If she really had lied, why would he try to reconnect with her again?

 

I guess I feel like he was lying to me yet again, and he knows she told me the truth, so of course, he's not mad at her. Anyway, I guess I have to just let that go. I don't know why it's nagging at me so much. No one likes thinking their bf is a liar, I guess.

 

You see you have two choices, you can trust him or leave him. you just have to decide which one you want to choose. as far as the forgetting thing goes. everytime you think of the past maybe you should just try and think of something else. basically forcing yourself to forget. you will always wonder if he will cheat on you because you don't want to get hurt again but there is where the trust comes in again you see. have you spoken to him since the fight?