Define looking for love...

[Keyman]

I've been single for 6 months or so and am mainly cool with that.

 

I have a full life, I am very busy with sports, friends, work, passions and here. But in the occasional time of loneliness, I like to chat to a friend, often about being lonely sometimes, or wanting to meet someone for companionship and love etc. The response I sometimes get is...

 

"Well, if you stopped looking for love, it will find you."

 

I don't haunt bars, trawl through online dating websites, or that kind of thing these days, I go about getting on with my passions and enjoying being single.

 

So, if you will, how do you define "looking for love"?

[Circe]

I don't think it's true that "if you stop looking for love it will find you". What I do think is true that "looking for love" will not necessarily increase your chances of finding it by very much (so it's not necessarily worth the effort and the increased disappointment you feel when you're actively looking and it's not working) .. and MIGHT even hurt your chances if you spend time "looking" in the wrong places.. and start feeling negative and disillusioned because it's not working (that makes you a less happy, positive person, therefore less likely to draw others to you etc).

 

In your context, when they say stop "looking for love" I think what they mean is stop thinking so much about it because it's getting you down - and that's making you a less attractive person to others. So instead, just focus on improving your life by yourself, and the love will come.

 

I think that's what they mean.

[norsewoman]

When I was ready to date again, I didn't just "wait" for something to happen. I put a personal ad in the local hipster's newspaper. I was very specific about what I was looking for in a partner, what my interests were, etc.

 

This method was very successful for me, as we have been together for greater than ten years now. It's about being specific, and winnowing out the wheat from the chaff.

 

Good luck to you...

[catfeeder]

I love the combo of Indigo's and Norsewoman's posts because they both address great points.

 

If you're preoccupied with finding a lover, you can busy yourself all you want, but your thoughts and conversations will always lead you back to what's true. The feedback you mention from friends either speaks of them being uncomfortable with the topic, or they're trying to tell you that you're focused on it too often to be interesting anymore.

 

Flip side of pretending you don't want what you want would be throwing yourself into exactly what you want. Spell it out for yourself clearly, and tap into ways to express this and search for it.

 

I think people who are honestly ready for relationships and go after them find them. People like me, however, are not ready, and so discussing it is all just a form of mental masturbation.

 

No matter how often I step up to the end of that diving board, my unreadiness becomes apparent to me--and I can bore my friends with ponderings about that, or I can use a diary or a therapist or t.i.m.e. to work it out.

 

Not all friends are good for talking out relationships stuff--doesn't mean they're not good friends, but it doesn't make them an expert on what's good for you, either.

[doyathink]

Good question. I dont know...I guess I just wait for it to come to me. Really, at our age it's different then when you're a teen, and you're out with your friends all the time. It was easier then lol