How difficult is it to trust again?

[penelope13]

I am wondering how difficult it is if your first marriage ended and you got divorced to be able to believe in someone again so that you want to give a relationship/ marriage another try?

 

How do you get passed the disappointment of having thought to have found the right person only to be proven wrong?

[shes2smart]

Can't answer this directly, since the marriage I'm in is th only one I intend to be in.

 

However, this is my husband's second marriage. He got married young (19) had kids with his first wife, and then caught her cheating on him. Separated, moved out, started the process of divorcing her, met me, divorce was finalized and we got married.

 

It's been a little over seven years and to hear him tell it, our marriage (his second) is better than his first one ever was.

 

Couldn't tell you how difficult/painful the end of his first marriage was for him. That sort of thing is highly subjective. What I do know from my own experiences with break-ups is that, to some degree, the "moving on" part is as easy or as difficult as we choose to make it.

[Purusha]

Hmm difficult one to respond to - I had doubts about my first marriage anyway but stupidly went ahead with it and lived to regret it. What's that? Marry in haste repent at leisure? All too true!!

 

I do find it difficult, but there are other things that have happened in my life that contribute to this. I'm still trying to find the part of myself that can trust men and let them into my life, not entirely convinced that it's still there!

 

My ideal would be to be able to get to know the person very well before entering a relationship of a serious nature, but I find it difficult to get past the first hurdle so it's all a bit of a mess. Courage and self belief are the vital components here I think.

 

If the person has their self esteem and courage intact or they have found a way to build it back up I do believe that they will have a much greater chance of reconnecting with another partner. A similar thread of thought to be found on ENA is the ability to make yourself happy with your life and what that entails before expecting to be happy with someone else.

 

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger so they say, so hopefully we all learn from our mistakes and take our better selves into our new relationships. Whether it's a new concept of what we're looking for in someone or a clearer idea of who we are within the relationship, hopefully a bit of both.

[penelope13]

I have recently started dating someone who has been divorced already for 4 years. He thinks he has worked passed the anger and disappointment, but from time to time I just feel that he doesn't trust me.

 

Not because of anything that I did/ didn't do, but because in his first marriage for the first 3 years of the relationship everything seemed to be perfect, yet it ended in her turning out to be a different person than she thought she was (I don't think she deceived him, I think she genuinely started to become a different person, different from what she expected herself).

 

I know lots of people will suggest that if he is not ready now, I should not be giving him a chance. But this is a genuinely good guy. So I really want to help him passed this.

 

I have asked him directly if he has trouble trusting me, he says he has no reason not to trust me, so that I think his distrust is on a subconscious level.

[Raoul]

Penelope,

 

Its difficult but can be done. Trust is bound up in comitted relationships. When you get betrayed by one you are most open and vulerable to, it changes you. (My wife of 24-years had an affair).

 

I cannot close myself off from others by 'never trusting again'. You will be more wary. I've been seeing a woman for some time no and we get along just great. Its still a risk. But we have very open lines of communication. That helps.

 

Don't dive back in too quickly. Learn to stand completely on your own. Once you've done that, you can learn to trust. It can be a slow process. But its worth it.

 

 

Peace & strength,

Raoul

[penelope13]

^He is the one who is divorced, not me.

 

I am just trying to figure out how to help him to be more trusting again

[top bloke]

He must learn to trust himself first totally before being able to give himself totally. The pain of the past needs resolution before he can..