"I love you but Im not in love with you."

[nando]

What does it mean?

[-Dredg-]

It means they love you, like you would love a friend or a relative. Not like someone who they are attracted to.

[lunatic]

It means they no longer feel the love they had for you. It is a nice way to tell someone that the relationship is over. I never heard that and said hey thats great thanks. That line always pissed me off when I heard it because I always knew it was a cop out.

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

-Hubman

 

P.S. My quote below is how I feel when any relationship ends.

[486dx4]

In terms of a relationship where you loved each other, one person saying " I love you but I'm not in love with you..." to me means the relationship is over. That is was happened to me with my last girlfriend and it was a shock to me back then.

 

The other person really does not see you really in a romantic way and does not want to be intimate with you anymore. For my situation I was told that there was no passion in the relationship which was kind of hard to figure out what to do to make things right - more especially since I never got a clear answer out of her about what to do to try to make things right after trying a few times to talk to her about it (no begging and pleading - just tried to talk about it). All I got was the relationship was missing that passion you get when you first meet each other. All I can say is I was very good to her but it is tough to keep that passion on forever - but I did love her very much right to the end.

 

So.... its no contact for me like others have done and someday I will find someone who loves me and is in love with me.

[healing]

...it means the person loves you in a non-sexual, non-romantic way. Hey, at least the person loves you though! Love is a rare gift...take it for what it is!

[DragonGirl724]

My Opinion: my ex said that line to me, but i think its BS & everyone who says it has a different reason/meaning...for instance after the break-up my ex said 'i am the best girl he ever met still to this day never met a cooler, better lookin, funny, talented, original gal' etc and i figured 'damn he wants me as a friend'...BUT THE THING IS: he still has passion for me....its weird b/c he said he gets jealous wen he sees other guys hit on me and he would still like to be intimate (XXX stuff u know what i mean) , now i dont know about you guys but i dont think the line 'i love u but im not in love with you' means anything at all!! and is nothing more than a cheap cop-out b/c there are no REAL reasons that cant be worked out if the dumper wasnt so lazy to actually work things out b/w you 2. i know he said to me in reference to that infamous line: "i say that b/c if i WAS in love with you i wouldnt be breakin up w/ you, right?" im like 'uhhhhh, i guess...' all i do know is he wants to be single right now & i think he used that line as a BS excuse, so i dunno guys & gals, maybe in some instances relationships lose the passion it once had & the electricity between the 2 of you becomes nothing more than a blown fuse, hencing why the line is used. but in other instances i think its just an excuse to not be in a relationship at that given time and is a weak attempt to heal a broken heart, or at least not throw salt in the wound...

[nando]

Here is the thing... me and my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/whatever she is right now just got back together after taking a break for eight months. Prior to that we were going out for four years. She said she loves me, is sexually attracted to me, but not in love with me. She said she doesnt feel that "zing" that was there when we were together before the eight month break.

 

I dont understand where we should go from here? What is she feeling? What is she trying to tell me? What is that "zing"?

[DragonGirl724]

Nando,

 

the lost 'zing' is what i referred to in my previous post 'when the electricity between the 2 of you is more like a blown fuse'. when the excitment & sponatanuity of the relationship is M.I.A. or starting to dwindle. try doing fun creative unusual things, ever consider skydiving? creating NEW memories with an old flame can be lots of fun & you both can rediscover a new side of eachother, the dry 'zingless relationship' you HAD lacked. try something new & exciting with the new GF. keeping the lovespark well-lit & interesting as well as comfortable is a great foundation for a long lasting relationship. maybe even try new sexual positions or some new form of love making that will make everytime feel like the first time. Good luck the 2 of you, maybe you can give us all a few pointers in a new post topic as to how your relationship went, ended, and rekindled. maybe even some strategies we havent mentioned yet or techniques to move on with your life to become a better person & a better mate for the 2nd time around...it would be greatly appreciated!! once again good luck & have fun.

 

-DG724

[AnotherChick]

*cough, cough*

 

Well, I'm not sure if I want to be the a** who shares that they have actually BEEN the person who used that line, but maybe this will help. My ex and I were together for 7 years. Lived together 6.5 of those years. Well, about 3 years into it, I was worn thin. He was my best friend and confidant, but a sex maniac. I mean, by the 4th year, I learned to practically shower in a turtleneck. I used that line with him because it was true. In my case, I wasn't in love with him, but loved him. I told him this because I wanted to get back to the "in love" with him part. Over the next 2 years we had some good times and we almost rekindled the "in love" part. Alas, it just wasn't meant to be. Plus, I was tired of being paranoid when I was naked. So, in my case, I used the line as a desparate plea for him to help me. In many ways, he did try.

 

So, I don't know if that applies to your situation, but I had to play devil's advocate.

 

I wish you all the best!

[nando]

Well, we were friends and stayed friends for about eight months, so would that have anything to do with the "in love" not being there? She seems to think that as soon as we started going back out the "in love" would come immediately. I told her that it has to come back slowly because we were friends for eight months so we have to get out of that friend mode.

 

Does it come all at once? Or slowly?

[AnotherChick]

What I suspect (rather than what I know) is that she likes you and is looking for some security to put her true feelings out on the table. I know that security can be an important thing for people before they will go the extra mile with their feelings.

 

If you're putting up barriers or limitations that will make her all the more insecure. (i.e. pointing out that it will take awhile to get out of friends mode) I know you are probably a little tender from the first time around, if you decided to go back out with her, then you might need to take a second and ask yourself, "Am I really ready for this?" If you are, then just go for it. If she pulls away, or something goes wrong, you at least gave it a shot. You can't blame yourself for giving someone you care about a second chance.

 

So, simply put, the "in love" might be how she feels, but she is insecure and looking to you for the security to share more of herself. She may also feel freaked that you won't forgive her for the first break up too. Again, pointing to some insecurities she may have about your relationship.

 

I'm very much insecure and skeptical, so I wouldn't just give someone advice to throw themselves to the wolves, but I think she's telling you what she needs to get to the "in love" thing if you listen closely.

 

I wish you all the best!

[bowski]

I know how u feel i got the same exact thing from my ex before she broke up with me . She had been cold and distant from me for months before we broke up and told me that she never felt like she wanted to be intimate with me or have sex with me. When she broke up with me she basically told me that I was just like another friend to her. This after almost 3 years together. I wonder if by giving someone space and letting them miss you, then can get that in love feeling back or do you people think once its gone its gone forever?

[DragonGirl724]

bowski,

 

yea tell me about it. its a question we all want to know the answer to. i dont see no contact working in my situation, and then again contact when initiated, jus doesnt seem to show me that hes interested any longer, just gives me brief answers, which i cant understand how or why that is. im confused just as you are. it hurts so bad sometimes. ive never felt so betrayed & confused in my life. im such a confident, self sufficiant, independent person, but this guy really broke me down.

 

 

 

please guys i need assitance in my "NEEDHELP i smothered him, he split, i want him back!" post. im about to IM him but i dont know if i should...

 

help.

[strong1]

I think that once they love you..there is ALWAYS a potential for them to love you again. But you have to back off (NC) and live your own life for awhile. Cuz once you lose your spark...they'll lose their attraction to you too. Then, slowly, you can reestablish contact and see how it goes. Sometimes..you need to restart it from scratch as buddies. And if they even remotely smell neediness on you..you are toast. So get your tough guts and thick skins back on kids. Remember when you were first dating..confident..and didn't really care if they liked you back. Well, get back to that square one position NOW. Think what your overall personality was like when you two first met...and develop it again.

 

And I would also like to add..when someone uses the LAMMO phrase 'I'm in Love With you but not in love with you yamma, yamma, yamma, blah, blah, blah'...some higher powers should just open up the earth under them and suck them into a HUGE hole until they realize that what a STUPID, lame and, yes, spineless phrase that is (and I can say that as I too have used it.)

[DragonGirl724]

i actually agree with everything u said strong 1. specially about gettin bak to the way u were wen they initailly fell in love with you etc...b/c my ex said he LOVED how tough i am & confident & he never met a good w/ my traits before. and i became a vulnerable needy mush wen we were together and thats SO NOT MY M.O!! and i wrote him a long letter last week appologizing b/c i see now how needy i was wen i was with him tho he tried tellin me a billion times i idnt see it, but i see it now & i see why he felt scared & split b/c of it. and deep down NOW im back to the way i always was cool, collected, can-conquer-all-confident, tough jen. and im not askin for him back but this letter was just to appologize for how i acted while we were together & i was caught up with being so in love w/ him & excited about how he felt about me *talkin marriage etc* he IMed me a couple times this week very short brief IMs about his car, and he has yet to mention ANYTHING bout the letter. im not gonna press the issue. itll jus come off as needy & threatening. so whatever.

 

strong 1 i liked ur advice so can u check out my post "NEEDHELP I smothered, He Split, I want him back" forum topic???

 

ps: yea and as for that infamous one-linear "I.L.Y.B.N.I.L.W.Y" i agree with your idea of the earth opening up & all of those who speak that taboo should fall victim to the infinite plummit. and upon their fall into endless endlessness we'll say "Id love to help you but im not goin IN to help you..."

 

[]De@cE!

 

-DG724

[sweetione]

I am confused about that stupid quote. My ex told me he still loves me but not as much as he use to. What is that crap?? I think, please tell me if i am wrong, that relationships go through changes over time. After dating for a year, I don't think you are going to feel the same kind of passion as you did the first month. In my situation, we still had fantastic sex. Right to the end. Even after we broke up. Our breakup to me, was a surprise. I didn't even know he was having any negative feelings, after 1 year we didn't even have any arguments, I didn't see any problems. But that ILUBNILWU quote blows. I hate it. It really hurts. To me it felt like a dagger in my heart. And I don't understand it when you are still having great sex. Does anyone think that when they say that, they really don't mean it. I mean they think they mean it but once you give them space and freedom they will see they really are in love with you but just felt trapped and needed room to breathe??

[bowski]

I wish I knew the answer to your question. I think in your case you are lucky that they were still sexually attracted to you. That is a good sign because there is some sort of attraction there. In my case my ex hadnt been sexually attracted to me for months before we broke up because i had been been so needy and pushing her away and not the same person i had been in the past. I think the best thing to do in these situations is to leave them alone and let them figure things out on their own. Callign them and trying to initiate contact isnt going to help. They might never get those feeligns back but at least give them the chance to. I honestlty dont know if it is possible for someone to fall basck in love with you or realize how much they loved you after being a part but its worth a try

[scrappy]

i believe that when this was said to me, it was because my partner has never experienced what really being "in" love is. His concept of "in love" is the honeymoon, and let's face it, the honeymoon always ends......it's a definition discrepancy in my case i think. he said this when, in his eyes, the honeymoon was over. People that are commitment phobic and have a fear of intimacy will never actually know what being "in love" is really all about.

[a_little_sparrow]

In my mind, loving means caring enough to see how the relaitionship is going to mature. I have been in a relationship before where I started to question whether I was "in love" with her or not. But I chose to stay, because to me love is believing that there's something about that other person that you can never predict and you wouldn't want to predict it. That mysterious thing is what's going to make you understand how love can be unpredictable and at the same time secure. It is going to make you pause and understand how special that other person is.

 

Love is having faith in the other person to be herself, to grow in the way that she will. And to me the emotion that comes from this kind of love is greater than all the honeymoons together. Don't get me wrong, I've had great honeymoon times in a relationship. But finding this kind of love is deeper and truer and more complete than that "in love" thing.

[lonelymantonight]

I got this one too. It means nothing. Women change their minds from minute to minute. My friend got his one too while he was separated from his wife. She finally came back to him. If you hear this just look at her and say okay, then go eat a sandwhich. Don't try to over analyze anything they say.