The No Contact Rule Worked... Sort of : )

[Larz]

Kind of a strange situation. I've been upset for about 5 months now over a 7 year relationship that ended... well, 5 months ago.

 

After two months of chasing and pining, I started no contact.

 

Here it is, 3 months later, and I get the call I was dying for - like so many of us on this forum.

 

The conversation went well, though akward. We talked about old times and what we've been through in the meantime.

 

Then, she dropped a bomb. I figured something out about myself that I didn't know before.

 

She told me she had dated a guy for a couple of months and that it didn't work out, and it made her realize how wonderful I was.

 

Now, after all of the waiting, I want nothing to do with her at all. Strange how things work out. I guess I just wanted to hear the words. I could never go back to someone I was intimate with for seven years after someone else has slept with her. How do you even look at them the same way again?

 

I can't do it. Now I have no choice but to move on. At least I know what I have to do.

 

Bear in mind, this is just how I handle things. I am not disgracing others for taking ex's back. I just personally am not into sharing. ; )

 

Peace -

[Hunney Pooh]

Yeah Larz, I agree with you. My situation is very different as i just broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 weeks ago. I really wish to be with him again. But if he sleeps with another girl during this period of break up, I won't be able accept him again no matter how hard he tries to save the relationship in the future.

[lunatic]

Good for you Larz. What ever it takes to help you move on is great. No matter how painful it was. I think you have made progress in your recovery. I totally agree with you on the sleeping around thing and I would have done the same thing.

 

Good luck and know that things will get better in the future.

 

-Hubman

[LostInTranslation]

Larz,

 

I want to sincerely thank you for sharing your story. Since my breakup in March, I have read many posts on this site and followed your story and advice. I am able to see more clearly now instead of letting my impulses overwhelm me.

 

I am glad to hear that you finally received the call we all wait and hope for in some way. It is also inspiring how strong you are to not take her back after being intimate with someone else after a brief rebound relationship and after a 7 year breakup with you. None of us deserve that and I'm glad to hear someone is standing up for themselves and what they believe in. It seems like justice has been served in your situation.

 

I hope I am as strong as you if or when my day comes when my ex realizes how wonderful I am. Hopefully she will be smart enough to save herself for me if she tries to come back.

 

I would like to know if your story has more developments in the future. I seem to share common opinions with you concerning our situations. Thanks again.

[pip]

Wow...that's incredible. I'm doing the 'No Contact' thing right now, very similar to you, and I'd give anything to have my ex call me. But it's encouraging to hear that you didn't go running back to her - you've obviously managed to move on. I hope I can get to your position one day. Thanks for sharing!

[princesa]

Congratulations!!!

You really stood up for yourself and I think your story is an example to follow for the most of us!!! I truly wish I could do the same if my ex realises how wonderful I am...

I completely agree with previous writers, your story about how "no contact" really can be successful helps us all. I think you made NC-rule a success by standing up for yourself, it was worth applying the rule just to be able to discover this strength in you. Well done!

Thanks for sharing that!

 

Princesa

[Eric f]

yea bro good job lol, i would find it hard to go back to my ex if she slept with someone esle to but thats just me.

[Hopingpraying]

 

 

Larz,

 

I am not sure the fact she slept with someone else should come into play. I guess the reason I say that is because what women are you going to find that has not slept with someone else? I don't think that should be the reason you don't want her back I guess. If it is the only reason it is silly in my opinion.

 

Please don't take offense, it is just my opinion. But there should be more too it then that.

So many people breakup because they need to find out what else is out there. If we never give our EX's the ability to see how good they had it, and won't let them come back if they figure it out then I think we are doing them and ourselves a dis-service.

 

Again just my opinion.

[Michael2]

Ditto Hopingandpraying.

[Belle]

Hi Larz,

 

I have been wondering for over a week what happened with your situation. I'm really happy for you. You've got closure and you didn't have to break down and be a doormat for it. I'm in the same boat. I suspect that my ex may have gone back to his ex (after I broke up with him then he broke up with me) and I believe he'll be back around. I don't really think I'll take him back if he did. Tainted water because he should have stuck it out and tried to make it work since he was the one who always talked about communication and working on issues. Freakin hypocrite.

 

btw, did you read and apply the stuff you wrote in your last email? (how to get your ex back etc)

 

Great success story. Better one would have been had she realized what she had without having to see someone else, but at least now you can move on and look for someone who won't take you for granted.

 

Belle

[stillsad]

I have been broken up with my ex for 2.5 years. We have gone months without speaking but we still always manage to come bacl to each other. We catch up once a week and have a coffee. I cant seem to love anyone as much as I loved him.

[ziggystar]

hey larz,

 

just throwing in my 2 bits. i agree with hoping and praying, if that's the only reason you don't want you ex back. it's a bit shallow.

 

i recently posted something about this on another post. it seems that in our male dominate society, we still in this modern age treat women as property. and somehow in the minds of male's if they had slept with somebody in between a break-up, we feel as if our "property" has been defiled. it just seems wrong. what about the guys that came before?

 

it invalidates them as human beings. it's a double standard. i would hope that my ex had such an experience to really come back, then i would have more trust in her decision to come back. a lot of us on this forum would die to be in the situation you just experienced (the ex realizing her error and coming back wiser and without doubt).

 

no offense meant. just weighing in with my opinion too.

[DragonGirl724]

good for u larz,

 

glad to know uve found means to move on. like u, i wouldnt take my ex back if he slept with someone else either. especially b/c he promised me this breakup was for him to improve himself & b/c i was smothering him * but we wont go there*....but yeah id be devestated & feel betrayed. good to know u want nothing to do w/ sloppy seconds.... u deserve better than to be left abandoned & picked up when theyre done playing with the other person.

 

-DG724

[Larz]

You need to think about what you are saying. My ex was in no way my property.

 

In fact, there are several of you that are reacting the way you are due to the circumstances you feel you might face.

 

My ex told me that she realized how wonderful I was, AFTER being in another relationship.

 

Now, unless you feel like you contributed to the break up, then I could fully understand your point(s). But I did not only remain faithful; thick and thin through seven (7) years of commitment, I raised a child that was not mine.

 

So she had to go "see" that there wasn't anything better out there? I can understand time and space when used constructively.

 

I can assure you, that if you do decide, if and when the opportunity arises, to get back with your ex... after the first week of reconciliation - which is bliss - you will understand EXACTLY why I refuse to go back to that situation.

 

All you can think about when you are hurting and missing is what you could have done to save the relationship, what you could have done to hold things together. It takes two to break up. Only one of us decided to "better-deal" the situation.

 

So, go live the "better-deal". It's all in how you choose to handle things. I, as stated in my original message, I am not into sharing. There have been plenty of opportunities throughout this relationship for me to stray, but out of respect for commitment, I did not.

 

Should you choose to doubt my decision, its for one of two reasons - and I don't mean to sound harsh (you already know this):

 

Either you are suffering guilt for something you did during your tenure, which would deem your position valid ---- or, you don't know what it's like lying next to someone who has shared their intimacy with someone else. Give that a try, and then talk to me. I am not built to review those images the rest of my life, when I already gave my life. Good luck to you...

 

Take care -

 

Lars

 

[Larz]

good for u larz,

 

glad to know uve found means to move on. like u, i wouldnt take my ex back if he slept with someone else either. especially b/c he promised me this breakup was for him to improve himself & b/c i was smothering him * but we wont go there*....but yeah id be devestated & feel betrayed. good to know u want nothing to do w/ sloppy seconds.... u deserve better than to be left abandoned & picked up when theyre done playing with the other person.

 

-DG724

 

Now this makes sense to me. ; )

[Michael2]

Ha, sloppy seconds. That is how you speak of someone you once loved.

 

Pretty sad , but hey, this your pain speaking.

 

Larz I hear and feel the resentment in your post, so I can understand where you point is coming from.

 

Overall, what do you expect your EX to do, lock herself in her bedroom. You are right, SHE isnt your property, and you have no right judging her because she was with someone else. She was with others before you, and she was with others after you.

 

This all comes to down to your ego taking a beating, pure and simple.

 

You guys were broken up, not sure of your situation, either she dumped your or vice versa, but either way, she wasnt your girlfriend anymore, so she had the freedom do what she wanted.

 

If she realized that you were the best for her, then thats great. But obviously that is not enough.

 

Ahh whatever, I'm not your mother,but I just wanted to say that I dont agree with your post.

[Larz]

I don't speak out of resentment, I speak out of priciple. I did not deserve to be better-dealed. Some of us obviously don't have the self-image we need to find ourselves above such a situation. Your ex is obviously with someone else.

 

Take care...

[Hunney Pooh]

Dear Larz,

 

I did agree with your decision earlier. Somehow after taking some time to consider on your position, I really hope that you take a little more time to think consider about your ex if you still love her. Is it really worth it to throw a relationship of seven years just like that? I know that you can't accept the fact that your ex has been intimate with another man. But those are the past and don't you think that both of you are meant to be together? Seldom we can find cases like yours where you ex comes back to you. Please take more time to consider if you still love her. Take care.

[Michael2]

The post that once occupied this space was a little TOO blunt even for me.

 

thereforeeee I erased it.

[lunatic]

Michael2,

 

Holy crap that was harsh. WOW!!! I mean you probably didn't want to sound mean but, the last post was kinda hard on Larz. If he cannot forgive her then it is time to move on. Life is not fair but, what does not kill us only makes us stronger.

 

Larz,

Move on dude she is worth you pining over like this. If you are not able to forgive her being with someone else then move on. There is only one thing to say about relationships and that is it takes two to make it work. Sometimes we are not meant to be with someone and it hurts us to have to walk away even after all these years. Personally, What made me happy when I left is I promised myself that I was not going to lie down and die over this. I picked myself up went to the gym and volunteered my spare time with my towns fire department. I also put myself on a diet and lost a lot of weight. I can only say to you is pick up the pieces of your life and improve on what is there already.

 

Good luck!

 

I know it hurts and time heals all wounds.

[wandering]

Larz,

 

Just wanted to shout out to you and tell you that I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I have been in similar situations in the past and it seems like the more I give to a relationship doesn't effect the love I receive in return - until I decide I can't put myself through the pain anymore and walk away. It may take some time, usually a month or two of no contact whatsoever and inevitably when I am finally over the tears and other emotional trauma, out of the blue they show up at my doorstep ready to rekindle the relationship. To me, if a person is so unwilling to stop what they are doing BEFORE the breakup and understand that their actions have consequences in the lives of people they are suppose to love then I don't want to go back to them when they figure it out and I have moved on. I would rather be alone than taken for granted.

[Larz]

Thank you all.

 

I never, (and I mean I can remember thinking I was going to end it all) ever thought I could get over this. And, I am not. But I am so much stronger than I ever was, I hear from this woman daily and it makes my skin crawl. It is the strangest, most unexpected feeling I've ever had... I loved this woman with every cell in my body - she ran through my veins - and she waited just long enough to allow me to see that life is not about changing every little thing about yourself - I couldn't even squeeze a tube of toothpaste right at one point... after seven years?

 

Guys, you want to know the God's honest truth? The no contact thing works. It's the outcome that mystifies... I can remember thinking that I would give my legs, arms, anything to have this woman back in my life.

 

THE TRUTH IS THIS: THEY ARE STILL THE SAME PERSON, NO MATTER WHAT. IT IS WE WHO HAVE LEARNED AND CHANGED.

 

Once this realization becomes evident to them, the mourning process begins for them. This was the darkest time of my life, and somehow, I survived. She is JUST NOW starting to realize what she lost. Sucks...

 

If there is really any chance for us in the future, it will be after she experiences the sense of loss and despair that I experienced (after all, it was not my choice).... and I really believe that it may never happen...

 

You all CAN get past the darkness... I was the last person on earth to believe it was possible but with NO CONTACT, it DOES happen! Please, expose yourselves to the core, but know that when the conversation is over, (and you don't get the reaction you want -- which you won't) that you are really, truly done. Treat it like a funeral... It's an amazing realization to come to when you realize that you can live without this person who you KNOW is your soulmate.

 

Just remember, it wasn't your decision. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

L

[Larz]

Thank you all.

 

I never, (and I mean I can remember thinking I was going to end it all) ever thought I could get over this. And, I am not. But I am so much stronger than I ever was, I hear from this woman daily and it makes my skin crawl. It is the strangest, most unexpected feeling I've ever had... I loved this woman with every cell in my body - she ran through my veins - and she waited just long enough to allow me to see that life is not about changing every little thing about yourself - I couldn't even squeeze a tube of toothpaste right at one point... after seven years?

 

Guys, you want to know the God's honest truth? The no contact thing works. It's the outcome that mystifies... I can remember thinking that I would give my legs, arms, anything to have this woman back in my life.

 

THE TRUTH IS THIS: THEY ARE STILL THE SAME PERSON, NO MATTER WHAT. IT IS WE WHO HAVE LEARNED AND CHANGED.

 

Once this realization becomes evident to them, the mourning process begins for them. This was the darkest time of my life, and somehow, I survived. She is JUST NOW starting to realize what she lost. Sucks...

 

If there is really any chance for us in the future, it will be after she experiences the sense of loss and despair that I experienced (after all, it was not my choice).... and I really believe that it may never happen...

 

You all CAN get past the darkness... I was the last person on earth to believe it was possible but with NO CONTACT, it DOES happen! Please, expose yourselves to the core, but know that when the conversation is over, (and you don't get the reaction you want -- which you won't) that you are really, truly done. Treat it like a funeral... It's an amazing realization to come to when you realize that you can live without this person who you KNOW is your soulmate.

 

Just remember, it wasn't your decision. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

L

[Larz]

The post that once occupied this space was a little TOO blunt even for me.

 

thereforeeee I erased it.

 

 

You did a wise thing there. Your previous post... pissed me off.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the stage you are at. Once you've truly had enough, you will understand where I am at. You haven't done that.

 

You yourself probably don't realize it now, but you will at some point be FORCED to give up. When that happens, man it's amazing.

[princesa]

Larz,

 

I still think you made the right decision, you showed courage and stood up to what you believe is right = stopped making yourself a pathetic doormat.

I'm just curious to know, do you still feel true love for this woman, I mean UNSELFISH love, like that you really want her to be happy and you are willing to set her free, or is it that you want her to 'suffer and feel the pain like you did'?

I've been analyzing different forms of love recently for a study, and I find the ideas of the ancient greeks really interesting. Do you know they have 4 words for 'love' - agape, philios, eros and storge. The most divine form is 'agape', and a human form of that would be that you love someone without asking anything in return. Like Sting says, if you love somebody, set them free...

Really interesting guys, you should check on the internet on this.

 

Larz, I really appreciate your comments, and I have learned a lot for my study as well. I'd just like yo hear your comment on these different forms of love, and how you qualify yours now.

 

Thanks + take care,

Princesa