Bitterness and Resentment

[spatzcolumbo]

I have posted a lot in the 'getting back together' forum, but have finally accepted that i am being stupid, and i know taht we will not get back together. Or if we do it will be in a year or so after some stuff has worked out.

 

I want to know any advice on dealing with feelings of bitterness and resentment towards the ex. my trouble is that i swing between feeling bitterness and resentment, and then the next minute feeling nothing but love for her.

 

I know that i still love her with all my heart, and would give anything to get her back, but i do feel bitter about things. I never did anything wrong at all in the relationship - i treated her so well, and now i am left feeling awful about it all. it's been 4 1/2 months now, and i still feel awful.

 

All the great memories are clouded by my bitterness and resentment, to the point where i feel like our 16 month relationship means nothing.

 

I know she still cares for me deeply, and wants to be a really close friend, but i am not sure i can do this. However, i am aiming at reaching this point somewhere in the future, but i need to get rid of this anger and resentment first.

 

Any thoughts?

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I know exactly how you feel. A close friend of mine used to say "Torn between conflicting emotions like lemmings to the sea. Yes you are torn, so sit in a quiet place. Lay on your back put a telephonebook on your stomach. Push it up from your stomach and do some deep breathing. It will really help. Most people breath from the upper chest, called shallow breathing. Let the bad thoughts go. Remember only good things about what you had. Your life is between your temples, it is all in your head. You control everything that goes on up there. Bitterness is not even a word that should ever apply in relationships. But your right, it does. The right word would be hurt. Your self esteem has been damaged, it happens to us all. You will grow strong and all or the bad thoughts will go away. It is a learning experience. And you will get through it. And in the long run, you will be a better person from it all.

 

Try the breathing it really works.

 

To forgive someone is the best thing you can do, and learn to forgive yourself.

 

Good Luck

 

Kuhl

8)

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks Kuhl.

 

I just find it hard to forgive someone when they have hurt me so much. i don't seem to be able to find the strength of mind to forgive my ex for the way she has treated me.

 

Thanks for the advice, hopefully some other people will have some more advice for me too.

[faxshadow]

It gets better, believe me, have faith

[dikaia880]

Hey Spatz...

I wish I could give you an answer on this one, but as we know our stories are all to much alike...

 

You're able to start letting go, I'm happy for you...

I can't get myself to that point and I don't know why...

 

I, like you, will never understand how our relationships ended. How the ex's could go from what they used to say to breaking our hearts...how they can tell us how much they care and want us in their lives...and yet not want the same thing...

 

I'm honestly starting to wonder if she's been lying to me to keep me from hurting more...

 

Things were so good, but then they weren't...She's told me there was no one else, that she just lost feelings...

I'll be seeing her this weekend, at the annual party that was our first date a year ago...She was planning on stopping by and my boys knew and didn't tell me, supposedly they thought I'd be upset...but most of them know I'll be there....I wonder if she knew I'd be there before I told her...

 

Like Kuhl said Breathing does help...Keeping as many positives thoughts in you head helps too...but sometimes the pain can be too much...I hear your pain bud and I wish I could help...

[spatzcolumbo]

thanks Dikaia,

 

I know our stories are the same, and i sometimes wish i could talk to you face to face to try and help figure things out.

 

I am not ready to let go of my ex. Not at all. But i see no other option. I can not do anything else. I am harming myself too much. I am doing much damage to myself mentally. It is not good for me. I worry for myself because i don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone. I want to talk to her. For 16 months, she was the one person i could talk to about anything that upset me. In that whole time, this is the thing that has upset me most, and she is now the one person i can NOT talk to at all.

 

I just hate feeling like this. But what i hate even more is that i know that all i can do is sit here and wait for it to get better.

[JT]

I can identify with the feeling.. its the worst pain ever!! And you know what.. I was the one doing the dumping. Even to say that the dumper should move on easily is a stupid stupid thing... I am torn between resentment, and love for her too. But I know things will not work out... if I go back things will be the same. After time apart maybe she will change.. but I am sure we will be in different places during that time of our lives. I resent some of the bad things I said to her during the breakup period... I'm sure she does too.. but thats the way It goes... even being friends in the future seems like a undoable concept. But.. Just to let everyone know .. me being the dumper n' all.. its still very painful.

[fantasia2004]

It's a horrible feeling and I hate dealing with it everyday.

 

So I can relate

[Michael2]

Unfortunately we are all in the same club.

 

And I feel all your pain, I understand your struggles and in the inevitable hardships those on this board must face throughout the day.

 

This entire process has consumed me, not only mentally but physically as well for the past 6-8 months.

 

This pain will one day allow us to realize what we truly want in another individual.

 

The most important part aspect , of this entire process, is that we have to realize that these things happen. It happens to good and bad people. But we must take it as a learning experience if nothing else.

[spatzcolumbo]

I just wish i knew better how to deal with these things. I feel bitter because she is now with someone else, and has admitted to me that it is more a convenience thing with the new guy rather than anything serious. She has said she does not want it to be serious. She has told me that if it wasn't for the distance between us, things would probably be different. But she could not handle the distance. I feel bitter that because of this, she is in a 'convenience' relationship, which just seems to gloss over the relationship we had for 16 months. I just don't know what to do about these feelings of anger etc.

[lunatic]

Spatz,

 

I have to say that you are on your way to recovery.

 

The five steps to recovery and I forget the order that they come in but, rage and anger is on there. You are ok and will eventually be able to forgive her and yourself. We have all been there at one point or another so just give it some more time.

 

Time heals all wounds!

 

Good luck and take it easy,

Hubman

[lisaria]

Hey spatz,

I'm kind of at the angry stage now. He lied and cheated as lots here know (I've b*tched about it enough), and now I'm like you...one minute I hate him and the next I want things back like they were. I do not want him back anymore, just the feelings, the good times, the friend. He was with somebody else when he split, so he's not had any time to really bother with thoughts of me and I really hate him for that. But I've come to the realization that he will do the same thing to this new girl. That's his problem, not mine anymore. We will survive.

L

[spatzcolumbo]

My bitterness comes from the fact that (as with Dikaia) she toldme so many good things, and how much she loved me RIGHT up until 10 minutes before she ended it. She had told me a few weeks before that she was finding the distance hard, but that she was sure we could work on things at Christmas when she was home. The bitterness arises from the fact that she never gave us this chance. She just did it. And would not even talk to me about it, or even try to give it a go. In my eyes, a 16 month relationship may not be that long in the grand scheme, but it is STILL a long time, and it STILL deserves the two people to at least talk about things, or work at things.

 

I wish i did not have these feelings. It does not feel like anger. It feels like i wish i had never bothered with the relationship because all the good memories are made to look like nothing because of the way it ended. This is only made worse by her saying that things would probably be different if there wasn't this distance between us.

[spatzcolumbo]

I've been reading some more things...avmans post about 'how to heal from your breakup' - forgiving etc etc.

 

Is it reasonable to tell your ex all the reasons you are hurting. I feel like i want to tell her that the reason i am finding it so hard is that i was gearing my life largely around the future that we had talked about. I had aims and goals of my own, but these were certainly built around my love for her. For instance, getting a place together, holidays we had planned, getting the job i am in so that i could provide better for both of us, etc. I am still in the job, and it's all going great, but the other stuff leaves me feeling lost and directionless. Just as someone else said in reply to Avmans post. Basically, everything i did i was doing for myself, but with the foundation of doing it for 'us'. Doing it for 'us' is what made me happy, and what kept me going. It gave me real purpose and drive. Without it there, i feel less inclined to do these things, as i feel like i don't WANT to do them without her.

 

I feel like one of the hardest things was not being able to talk to her, and express the reasons i am so upset. I was never able to really convey those reasons to her, even though she would not understand them (she has never been dumped in a serious relationship).

 

Does this make sense?

[healing]

spatz...

 

It sounds like you were more invested in this relationship that she was, and that's why you are hurting so much. You chose to focus on an 'us', and the risk is, if it doesn't work out, it does hurt a whole lot more. It is very painful.

 

No contact is usually the best thing after a break-up. Telling her all the reasons why you are hurting is not going to change anything for the better, and you may end up feeling even worse! Try writing a letter, say everything you want/need to say, then don't send the letter. This way, you still get it all out. This works, it really does! You need to let go of the pain in a way that is healthy and positive for you. Write as much as you need to, but never send it. Keeping a journal might also help. Talking to people who truly care for you is helpful. Posting helps too.

[Belle]

spatz,

 

I would stop and think about what you are doing to yourself physically and emotionally with the resentment and bitterness. The negativity will eat you alive and can really damage your body. Is this chick really worth you destroying the quality of your life? I don't think so.

 

I believe the best revenge is to move on without them and be happy, find someone that deserves you so that when she figures out what she lost you'll be able to kindly let her know she had her chance and you're done. Go read Larz new posting in getting back together for inspiration.

 

Do yourself a favor and do what's best for you. And putting yourself through this torture isn't it.

 

Belle

[spatzcolumbo]

Here's the thing guys, we have been split for nearly 5 months. I have done 2 months of no contact, and felt great about things. She came home for Easter, and she wanted to see me. We met up, had the best time (just like old times) lots of flirting from her, and so on. I felt great. Then I found out she has a new guy (who she downplayed a LOT to me) and it messed me up again. She told me a lot about how if she had seen me with someone new it would have upset her too, and it would have stirred up a lot of emotions.

 

Being as i still feel like there is something there i hate it because she is not coming back. Even though i know she still could do!!

 

No contact. Hate it, but i have no choice. I just hate feeling anything bad towards her. There is no point. I want to get angry at her to get it out of my system, but i know there is no point. arrrrrrrrgghhh

[ziggystar]

hey spatz,

 

it's natural to sway. don't fight it. if you fight it, it makes it worse. so when you feel angry just breath, it will go away. don't add thoughts to it. just let it be and breath. and when you feel love for her, just feel that too without adding to it. it'll take a while, but it will eventually stop swaying. i know. i was a maniac 2 weeks ago (which seems like an eternity), but now i'm much better. i still sway, but less radically extreme.