Is there hope after the humiliating begging/crying phase?

[moyno85]

Hi there,

 

I dated my ex for 3 years and we had an extremely messy breakup instigated by myself.

 

She started dating someone else about a month after the breakup, a few months later what I thought was originally jealousy turned into an overwhelming yearning for her back. (same old story I know..)

 

Basically things started off ok, we met up, spoke about the breakup and everything was quite civil. Eventually I told her I really wanted her back but she said she was still hurt from the breakup and hadn't forgiven me.

 

This scenario went on and on repeating over and over again with the only thing changing being my pure desperation and her sense of apathy.

 

It degraded to the point where I was a babbling, begging pitiful mess, calling her every second or third day wanting to meet up with some lame excuse. Quite embarrassing really considering I always felt guilty about having the upper hand in the relationship.

 

Originally she was very caring, sympathetic and became really upset at seeing me in such a state, but as this went on she became increasingly frustrated to the point where she presently gives me the general impression she kind of cares but is over it and cannot not wait to get off the phone.

 

Anyway, being the completely hopeless mess that I was (and still am) I scoured the Internet for help and came accross this site - which has been an absolute Godsend. After trawling through the posts I made the immediate decision to go NC on the 7th October. Its since been 2 weeks since I've made contact - the only contact being a missed call and an extremely lukewarm message from her on my birthday to which I didn't reply.

 

So basically I just wanted to gather the general consensus on whether or not I have totally blown my cool for good. Have I already made so much of a mockery of myself that it is past the point of no return? Will NC make any difference at all?

 

In any case, it's forced me to hit the gym again.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[waveseer]

It's never too late to regain your self-respect. There is also no limit on the number of times in your life that you are allowed to reclaim it. You are good to go.

[cantexplain]

My advice is to try to avoid playing a tape in your head which portrays some typification of how you might seem to her ... but rather just accept your feelings and be tolerant and understanding of yourself.

 

You are using NC in this case to regain her respect, win her back? I am not clear on this.

[moyno85]

You are using NC in this case to regain her respect, win her back? I am not clear on this.

 

Regain respect/win her back

 

yes

[greensleeves]

You aren't the first one to embarrass yourself during a breakup...it's very easy to do or say things we later regret when we're in such an emotional state. Try to put it behind you and forgive yourself...you're human.

 

As for no contact with her as a means to get her back, you'd be far better off doing it for yourself. She's with someone else now, so focus on your own future. Going nc will help you to get over the breakup, but it will take some time. I read your other thread and to be honest, I don't think that reconciliation is a possibility so you'd be far better off trying your best to move on from this and to treat it as a learning experience. I know it isn't much comfort right now, but you're young and you've learned a very valuable lesson from this relationship. It will help you to have a much stronger relationship with the person that you're truly meant to be with when the time is right.

[mad rabbits]

I think its quite clear she has moved on, she is dating someone else, always a good sign to let go.

 

You cannot reclaim her or her respect but you can always get your own self respect back...by leaving her alone and getting on with your life.

 

Don't be concerned with what she thinks of you, be concerned with how you feel about yourself.

[mikeca]

You can never truly tell how your image is held in an ex's mind after a breakup. They have some understanding that some things like this will be done and some actually expect it, give her the opposite of you groveling and pleading, show her a confident and commanding young man who's ready to set the world ablaze for a young woman out there.

 

Reclaim your self respect, hit the gym and become a better man.

[Cloud802]

I think its quite clear she has moved on, she is dating someone else, always a good sign to let go.

 

You cannot reclaim her or her respect but you can always get your own self respect back...by leaving her alone and getting on with your life.

 

Don't be concerned with what she thinks of you, be concerned with how you feel about yourself.

 

I'll have to agree with this minus one point, it is possible to get her to see you in a respectful light again, but don't do it for her man, do it for yourself. You'll be a lot better off that way.

[CatsMeeoow]

Of course there is always hope!

 

As bad as it feels now in how you've handled yourself in all honesty it probably isn't all that bad and what you have done has indeed been done before.

 

The important thing is to recognize your behavior and how it really isn't helping. The key is make the changes within yourself to stop behaviors that don't help.

 

Take a deep breath and focus on you...

 

There is always hope!

 

Hugs!

[jenny2001]

Isn't it amazing how crazy we can get when people hurt us? I don't even recognize myself right now. I'm fighting so hard to do the NC thing when all I want to do is see him and demand answers (which I have already done and gotten nowhere). It's like one minute you feel totally fine and then the next you just want to contact them and get some sort of positive response out of them. But like always, you usually feel worse when this happens.

 

So for the begging...we've all been there. And I know people who have come back even after the damaging desperate phase. I also know people who haven't. If only we were all strong enough to play it cool after a breakup...

[bdiggy]

Been there and done that it was sooo embarassing the crying and begging It made me feel weak, helpless and desperate and still did not get any closure it still hurts but we are human. I never want to go down that path again It taught me how to handle these situations better so I learned something from it.

[mikeca]

We become much stronger and wiser from the teachings of life and love. I noticed how much differently I reacted from one relationship ending to the last.

 

Relationship A: Did the pleading and stuff and all that not accepting things

 

Relationship B: I said "hey, if your minds made up then there's nothing I can to change it, or I would've done it already, if this is what you want...etc"

[justathought]

DO NOT CALL her again. She knows your waiting with open arms. If she wanted to be with you she would be. She isn't calling, so she doesn't.

 

You can regain your confidence again, just don't give her the power over you to take it away =)

[stabilo]

That is the problem with begging and pleading. It means any future contact you make they will automatically know why you are contacing them. Whereas if you do act the opposite, it leaves the door open for mystery and you can leave them wondering rather than you wondering what the meaning is for anything she says in response to you.

 

Dammit, I wish I had known this 8 months ago.

[justathought]

delete her phone number. trust me. save yourself the temptation. its not worth it. =)

[Puckdog27]

We become much stronger and wiser from the teachings of life and love. I noticed how much differently I reacted from one relationship ending to the last.

 

Relationship A: Did the pleading and stuff and all that not accepting things

 

Relationship B: I said "hey, if your minds made up then there's nothing I can to change it, or I would've done it already, if this is what you want...etc"

 

I did the same thing. I hope we can all learn like this just from being here. Accept it for what it is, move on and see what the future holds.

[paintedblue]

I was with this girl for a year madly in love but she would never call herself my girlfriend "yet". I was fine since we saw eachother every day I seemed to be the only guy in her life. Then she tells me she was invited to go away with this guy friend of hers and I was upset and asked her to asure me they werent going to hook up. She said she couldnt promise me that because that would make her my GF. i then proceeded to cry and beg her not to hook up with him in the most humiliating moment of my life. Safe to say that didnt work and she went away and did hook up.

[Nappyloxs]

My ex. has not come back yet. But I am afraid that I may do what you did. I already prepared a letter to myself and her in case.

 

You were ready to just jump back into were you two were at before the breakup. I missed her and now that she was back, you thought she was BACK.

 

From previous experience, as I am no expert, when and if they come back, you just have to take things slow at first. You kind of have to act like you are dating a new woman and you kind of are in some respects. I cannot tell you whether or not to keep doing NC. But if you want to be with her and you think she somewhat wants to be with you, you have to take it slow. Calls every few days, one night out a week together, etc...

[Chris Knows]

My ex. has not come back yet. But I am afraid that I may do what you did. I already prepared a letter to myself and her in case.

 

You were ready to just jump back into were you two were at before the breakup. I missed her and now that she was back, you thought she was BACK.

 

From previous experience, as I am no expert, when and if they come back, you just have to take things slow at first. You kind of have to act like you are dating a new woman and you kind of are in some respects. I cannot tell you whether or not to keep doing NC. But if you want to be with her and you think she somewhat wants to be with you, you have to take it slow. Calls every few days, one night out a week together, etc...

 

I wouldn't do the whole letter thing. It rarely works my friend. We all have tried to express our feelings in words to them ... but if it's not there at the time, it's a waste of time and energy.

 

Going SLOW and I mean SLOW is the key to it all. You have to make her realize what she is missing and the person that she once loved is now a better person that she wants to be involved with.

 

I would keep the NC. People want what they cannot have. By you continuing to present yourself saying "ME ME ME" it's not showing her any change or reason to get back with you. People leave their signifigant others for a reason. No matter how they put it or spin it, there is always a reason why we become happy. Wether it's weight gain, lack of commitment and so on. They want to see change.

 

I say, go with NC for a few weeks then just send her a message saying hey. Keep it short ... simple ... and don't ask anything about the relationship.

[reddone07]

Hello My friend, Hope I can help.

 

I see you started the NC which is good but next times she calls / texts, reply but not straight away. Talk to her and let her know you are fine and just have a general chit chat and stay strong, make her laugh, NO SERIOUS TOPICS! if she wants to bring up something serious let her and if she does dont get into an argument and try and direct the conversation away from it!

 

Let her know you are doing things etc and keep it shortish and make sure you end the conversation first and try to end it on a high point! Then go back into NC and wait till she contacts again.

[moyno85]

Hello My friend, Hope I can help.

 

I see you started the NC which is good but next times she calls / texts, reply but not straight away. Talk to her and let her know you are fine and just have a general chit chat and stay strong, make her laugh, NO SERIOUS TOPICS! if she wants to bring up something serious let her and if she does dont get into an argument and try and direct the conversation away from it!

 

Let her know you are doing things etc and keep it shortish and make sure you end the conversation first and try to end it on a high point! Then go back into NC and wait till she contacts again.

 

hey, great advice. thanks for all the help people!

 

I've gotta say, NC works wonders... 3 weeks ago I was an absolute wreck, sitting here at work on Monday I feel fine.

 

NC people - it's the way to go.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks, The letter I am talking about in this thread is a letter to remind myself of things if she comes back. I don't want to rush into it. It is for if she comes back.

 

I did right the last letter yesterday, you could really call it a novel. You are right. My ex. will read it and think it all about "me,me,me." But it was! I need to move forward, so I had to get everything out. I may contact her in 30 days. It will depend how I feel.