How should I feel?

[IcecreamLove]

I'm one of those people who has never really had anyone in life.

 

Awhile ago I met a really nice guy off a dating site named "Phil." Okay so me and Phil got to know eachother really well through online conversations, and I got to liking him. I went awhile with not going online, and it turns out he found a boyfriend named Chris.

 

He was really dissatisfied with Chris when we were chatting, and ended up even cheating on Chris. His explaination? He was dissatisfied. I told him he should have done the right thing, and broke up with him FIRST before messing around with other guys. Sigh.

 

Anyway, I got really attached to Phil because when we first started talking I never dated anyone before, and ended up meeting my first real boyfriend and losing my virginity to him and I had a lot of concerns and questions, since I'm not really out to anyone, so I would seek out Phil and we would talk for hours and hours through text messages.

 

Phil ended up meeting another guy, let's call him, "Kenny." Kenny was really really obsessed with Phil and the same age is me. They both met on the same dating site that I met Phil, except Kenny lived in a different state, and physically seeing eachother was really limited since Phil was the one driving to see him. Phil would talk to me when he had complaints about Kenny, and my boyfriend eventally broke up with me, and I started to get feelings for Phil.

 

Phil wasn't helping either because he would always flirt with me. MORE than flirting, he was feeding a FIRE. Late at night he even wanted me to go on cam for him because I was really horny and he was really horny and yeah. He always tells me he "wuvs" me etc. When he would complain about Kenny I told him I would never treat him like that. He would also say he would have dated me instead of Chris.

 

Well one day things got really serious because Phil wanted to know why I did not want to hang out with him, and I told him because I had a crush on him, and it is better for him to stay where he is, and me stay where I am, especially after hearing his track record. He was flattered, and I asked him if he would tell Kenny that I had a crush on his boyfriend, and he told me, he didn't see why Kenny should know.

 

A day or so passes, here he goes and told Kenny. I mean, the problems were mounting and mounting and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Phil told me, he didn't know where his heart is, and told the same to Kenny.

 

I ended up being an adult though, and making the right decision by telling Phil that I did not want anything bad to happen to him and Kenny, that I would never forgive myself and I just wanted the two of them to be happy. It was just a silly little crush, a fantasy. If I wanted Phil so much I would have tried something AGES ago.

 

As much as it hurt me, yes I did tell him that.

 

Phil clears things up with his boyfriend Kenny, stops talking to me, and tells me that the feelings he had for me were "misunderstood." Since then Phil has given my screen name to Kenny, and we all three talk, I guess. I'm still having my own relationship problems, and me being miserable made them super happy because there were no more complaints.

 

I'm still going through my own relationship problems and Phil is just someone who has always been there for me helping me through them. Well last night, Kenny tells me that they are engaged. Not Phil. I got really upset and wanted to know why he did not tell me. Especially since the night before he said there are more important things going on in his life, to worry about marriage with Kenny, because like I said, Kenny is obsessed with him and always brought it up.

 

Phil has just been really neglecting me ever since we got into that really huge, three person argument over my "crush" on him. He assures me that nothing has changed between us, everything is normal, no one is mad at me, etc. Am I right to feel hurt or is all of this none of my business? I kick myself for making things better for them and not me.

[hexaemeron]

Yikes. Kiddo, I think you should make a respectful, graceful exit from both of them. What a mess. Absolutely nothing good can come from interacting with either of them at this point.

[ceez]

This site is good to get advice and a second point of view from. I can see why you felt so hurt, you had a crush on phil and crushes are really really hard to get over. It sounds like phil is trying to keep the peace between him and his fiance...so that's probably the reason he hasn't talked to you much.

 

You went through the situation really well though, you were smart and looked at what was happening before acting and I think you made a good decision.

[chiefoptimizer]

Your behaviour is consistent with what I personally consider to be true love, the one that outranks all other forms of love. You have accepted emotional pain for yourself to make someone else happy.

 

You're young, I know the feeling will fade over time. You'll be ok *hugs*

[IcecreamLove]

What is my next step here? Do I just try to forget about Phil?

 

I mean he means a LOT to me. Like I said I'm not really out...at all... and it's been a huge helping having atleast one gay friend, even if all we ever do is text...

 

I would hate to give that up. On numberous occasions he said he would really hate if I stopped talking to him but I feel at the same time he wants us to part our own ways.

 

Kenny also didn't like me texting Phil so much especially when they were together. So I've been weening myself off of talking to him so much.

 

 

I had a talk with him this morning and how this really effects my anxiety levels and asked him honestly, what does he think, but I have yet to get a response. But then again he is with Kenny.

[hexaemeron]

You're really young, and inexperienced so I know you really honestly wonder if you'll ever feel this way again, or have this connection with another person. I get that.

 

I PROMISE, you will. You just have to go out into the world (or onto the internet) and find them.

[IcecreamLove]

You're really young, and inexperienced so I know you really honestly wonder if you'll ever feel this way again, or have this connection with another person. I get that.

 

I PROMISE, you will. You just have to go out into the world (or onto the internet) and find them.

 

Another thing is I have trouble sleeping and Phil works a security job from 12h45-4h30 AM and I AM up at that time...even later sometimes, that's when I tend to pester him the most.

 

I don't worry about being alone and stuff when I'm out with friends or reading because it takes my mind off the noise.

 

Okay well this is what I am thinking of doing. Just trying to focus on school and other stuff for now, keep myself occupied with other things at night besides talking to Phil. Not stop talking to him, but just talk to him at the minimum, or waiting for him to text me first, just something.

[hexaemeron]

Another thing is I have trouble sleeping and Phil works a security job from 12h45-4h30 AM and I AM up at that time...even later sometimes, that's when I tend to pester him the most.

 

I don't worry about being alone and stuff when I'm out with friends or reading because it takes my mind off the noise.

 

Okay well this is what I am thinking of doing. Just trying to focus on school and other stuff for now, keep myself occupied with other things at night besides talking to Phil. Not stop talking to him, but just talk to him at the minimum, or waiting for him to text me first, just something.

 

I think channeling your energies into positive things like your schoolwork and friendships is a great idea. Investing in yourself can only bring you good things.

[chiefoptimizer]

Yeah, do stuff to keep your mind off this kind of thing... Also, it may help to plan in advance, and put things where you're likely to come accross them - eg: before leaving school to walk home, I tend to read just a few minutes of my fun-book-du-jour, just so I have something to day dream about on the walk back. Read books, watch movies, go for walks, etc, anything to keep busy really...

[IcecreamLove]

His boyfriend is really manipulative too. I got into an argument with him yesterday, because he presses me for info on any comment I make, asking me if Phil told me that, where did I hear that, that I need to tell him the truth etc. Makes this HUGEEE effort to be my "best friend."

 

But supposively dying of brain cancer. Or just has brain cancer. *shrugs

 

Anyway, got into a fight with him over IM since he told me I created a lot of drama in their relationship, I asked him to tell me about this drama that I create, drama queen. He could not get over that I called him that, and kept telling me that he and Phil's engagement was off, and if he still talked to me, he'd break up with him.

 

I made my peace with the situation and told him how I really felt though. That that was manipulative, he's a bully, and still in highschool, and the only thing he has to intimidate me is that he is bigger than me. He brought up that he was in law enforcement, whateverrr. Next thing I know Phil is asking me what I said to Kenny, because I'm sure he called him, crying or something, who knows.

 

I drew them a picture when he told me that they were engaged to show that I wasn't mad at either of them since I kind of flipped out...and he asked me if I honestly do not like that him and Phil are together. I told him that Phil is my friend, and I don't have to like you Kenny, I just want him to be happy. I don't care who he is with, just as long as he is happy. And when he was unhappy with you Kenny that I tried to make him feel better because he deserves to feel awesomes.

 

In most of me and Kenny's "conversations," he also attempts to psycho analyze me and tell me that I have unhealthy boundaries with Phil. Armed with the knowledge that I had a baby crush on Phil the first things he ever started to ask me was if I liked him and would I ever try anything with him when we would hang out. He's 19 and apparently in a peer mediator in highschool, *rolls eyes. That I am too dependent on him. To go meet some guys again on the dating site that I met Phil on. Goes on and on about how much he loves Phil and that he's scared he's going to die.

 

Phil just told me to stop talking with him, he doesn't take Kenny's side at all and I will. I guess Phil still wants to talk to me and stuff. In a perfect world, I'd like for them to not be together. Especially over how much they bicker, and how controlling Kenny is. Phil used to rant to me about Kenny ALL the time, until me and Kenny started talking. But if they are in love and stuff, and he's supposedly dying then I guess there is nothing I can do about it.

[hexaemeron]

How old is Phil, btw?

[IcecreamLove]

How old is Phil, btw?

 

I'm pretty sure he is 23 but could be 22, can't remember.

[hexaemeron]

I'm pretty sure he is 23 but could be 22, can't remember.

 

Phil certainly seems to enjoy the drama. Two guys fighting over him... certainly feeds the ego a bit. I'd be really wary if I were you and as I previously said, you might want to consider making a graceful exit.

[pianoguy]

I think you owe it to yourself to quit talking to these guys. Your emotions will always be on a yo-yo when you're involved with them. I don't particularly like Phil from what you've told us about him, he seems dramatic and self-centered.

 

What you need are some gay friends! Are you in school? Are there any GLBT organizations there? Any in the town you live in? Ever been to a gay bar?

[IcecreamLove]

I think you owe it to yourself to quit talking to these guys. Your emotions will always be on a yo-yo when you're involved with them. I don't particularly like Phil from what you've told us about him, he seems dramatic and self-centered.

 

What you need are some gay friends! Are you in school? Are there any GLBT organizations there? Any in the town you live in? Ever been to a gay bar?

 

Umm I was going to a private university but I dropped out last year. I'm trying to get back into school, going to a community college instead...I don't know if there are any organizations in town.

 

And I'm underaged as for the bars.

 

I went on dating sites to get some gay friends, and Phil was one of the only ones that actually didn't want to hook up with me. Mostly older people message me and they just want to take advantage of me.

 

I don't want my parents to find out, so I've screwed myself over by being so closeted that I haven't found any gay friends....besides my ex boyfriend who has met someone new.....

[pianoguy]

Umm I was going to a private university but I dropped out last year. I'm trying to get back into school, going to a community college instead...I don't know if there are any organizations in town.

 

And I'm underaged as for the bars.

 

I went on dating sites to get some gay friends, and Phil was one of the only ones that actually didn't want to hook up with me. Mostly older people message me and they just want to take advantage of me.

 

I don't want my parents to find out, so I've screwed myself over by being so closeted that I haven't found any gay friends....besides my ex boyfriend who has met someone new.....

 

Your community college could very well have GLBT organizations so check into that and see what you can find out. Use the internet to find out if there are any gay organizations in your town. PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) has branches just about everywhere and could be really great for you if you don't know a lot of gay people. A number of towns have organizations for gay teenagers who would probably be happy to have you. If you are religious, a gay-friendly church is a good way to meet people- the Metropolitan church is a historically gay church, but they mainly have branches in large cities. The UCC (United Church of Christ) and Episcopal churches often are very friendly and welcoming towards gay people. Gay sports groups are another good way to meet people- even if you're not particularly athletic, they have things like kickball and T-ball and what not. Harness the power of the google.

[ceez]

yea I would leave those two alone and meet some new people.