do dumpers ever genuinly regret and realise what theyve lost?

[chazxoxo]

Hi im fairly new here and am not used to talking to people i dont know but would reallylike to make some new friends and hear opinions from other people in similar situations.

 

My boyfriend and i broke up in january after 3 years and being crazy in love we had our problems we both had jelousy issues but most of the time we were happy until the end where i left him for another guy because he slept with a girl (in my college class who bullied me and beat me up!) who had been after him for about a year and loved to cause trouble between us she lied to him and told him i was cheating on him (i wasnt!!!)

 

anyways i think i broke his heart by leaving he begged me not to go and even booked us a holiday but i still did. i was so angry at him i did still want to be with him but i couldnt get over what he'd done and this other guy seemed nice and i just gave up on my ex.

 

a few months later i still loved my ex and me and the new guy broke up and me and my ex were talking, we were having talks about getting back together when he added me back on fb just so i could see his relationship status as in a relationship with her! it was totally out of the blue and i was heartbroken.

 

anyways to cut a long story short since then 5 months ago they break up all the time he always dumps her because he says he still loves me he then comes to my place sleeps with me promises me well be backtogether and then ignores me for weeks and gets back with her. he has told me he doesnt love her and doesnt really want to be with her he says he does want me but because i left him he will just stay with her.

 

i have become depressed and havent been out really since july but have recently started getting my life backtogether its still really hard but i have been working on myself to change both mentally and physically (since we split i gained some weight but ive always had problems with my weight up and down) ive lost almost 2 stone and am looking much better but still dont have much confidence he knows this. but i am determined to get back to my happy self.

 

i have been back in contact with my old friends and am going to start going out again and living my life.

 

i think part of my problem which is keeping me down is that i allow myself to be used by him because i still love him so much and would do anything for a chance to work things out.

 

everyone tells me he is keeping me n the back burner until im better (and look better) and then will come crawling back as he does not want anyone else to be with me. i know he gets a kick out of me crying and wanting him back hes even admitted it. i know in the beggining i was the dumper but now i am the dumpee and i just cant help wondering if he will ever regtret what hes done to me messing me around for so long? do people ever GENUINLY regret treating people badly and realise what theyve lost? i know i did but i only left him cuz he hurt me and i guess hes trying to make me pay now. last night he told me he doesnt know what the future holds and that he doesnt love her which just keeps me from being able to move on and heal.

 

i would love to be back with him but have decided to go NC because i think as long as i stay in contact he has me right where he wants me and i will never be able to let go if there is even the slightest glimmer of hope.

 

i want to be over him because i wont settle for being his second best.

 

has anyone ever been dumped completely healed and then had the person that hurt them genuinley want them back once theyve realised what theyve lost? and if so how do you feel about them then? or do dumpers only want you back because they are jelous and because they are loosing at their own game? atm i want him to see me happy with someone else i want him to hurt like im hurting (everyone tells me i will get the last laugh) but i dont want to feel like that forever because i know if im feeling bitter i am not healing and i dont want to be a bad person. im sorry this is sooooo long and really muddled up i know what im trying to explain but i cant put it into words for some reason?

 

also can you delete a thread that you yourself hve started? im really nervous about posting this as its not something im used to.

[mikeca]

Well first welcome to the forums!

 

After reading your post a couple times I think your in the right process of going NC (keep it all costs) Your in a emotional state and he is playing off that, essentially using you for his own needs while completely ignoring what you need/deserve. The fact he cheated on you with someone who bullied you is a double slap to your face. He has no concern with how you might feel and is just completely ignorant or just a jerk in general, both things you dont need.

 

We often forget about what we want out of a relationship when dealing with an ex, so ask yourself; do you really want someone who has cheated, toyed with your emotions, and flat out used you? You deserve to be first in any relationship not sitting on the 'back-burner' if his relationship doesn't work out, your not a backup girlfriend.

 

Your the priority right now, don't worry about him, continue to do things you've put off, start new things you've always wanted to do! (reading,kayaking,volunteer,biking, run a marathon etc) Continue to lose weight and build yourself up, all of this for YOU not him. Your in a great position to find out the person you want to be and only you know what you want and how to get there. Take this time apart to truly find who you are.

 

 

And to answer your final question, it does happen. Its almost like a cosmic joke, you get to the point of indifference and not wanting to get back, and who comes out of the blue..

[Orlander]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I think that a period of extended no contact will work best for you. You deserve someone who loves you first and foremost.

 

It's best not to worry whether you're love for him will manifest into a relationship in the future...just take time for yourself now but doing NC and moving on with your life.

 

I wouldnt worry about posting here...you aren't using your real name and unless you are certain he is reading this forum, you are safe.

 

Yes, you can delete this thread though. Let us know if you need instructions on how to do that.

[chazxoxo]

hi mike'CA and Orlander

 

thanks for replying! its good to hear what other people think although sadly youve both confirmed what i think i already knew deep down i am being used and he doesnt really care.

 

i am trying my best to go NC but am finding it soooo hard and it hasnt even been long. have either of you gone NC? thats probably a silly question to ask on a healing after break up and divorce page! but if you have does it really get easier? i tried it for 8 days a week ago the first few days were so hard then it got a bit easier and then on day 8 he text me and i just gave in and replied which was a stupid thing to do because once he had got a reaction he didnt bother to continue to contact me!

 

Im just so scared that if i get over him he will want me back like really want me back and then it will be too late (i know its not likely but if it did happen would be just my luck) but i know this silly thinking is what is stopping me from moving on and healing which i know is want i really want and need.

 

indifference that when you feel nothing right? and then if someone comes back when you feel like that you know are well and truley over it right?

 

sorry for sooo many questions i must sound a bit stupid if i cant figure it out fo myself lol

[gsxr104]

Good Luck! Be sure to kep us posted!

[EQD]

sounds like you were in love with the drama and not your boyfriend.

 

let it go.

[bear314]

This guy has some F ing balls. Leaves you and then goes back and forth between you two? First off he is doing this to feed his ego. No questions asked that is the main reason. He IS insecure cause he needs to constantly feel like he is getting somewhere with someone and feels that you and the Other Girl are his endless chasm of sex and whatever the F floats his boat. I understand you invested a lot in him but he is not that person anymore. People change and for this guy its not for the better. Let him go and he'll get what's coming to him. In fact why don't you speed up karma a lil and try this out:

 

link removed

 

Other than that I'd live your life and stop wasting it on this pair of home wreckers. People like that shouldn't be given an ounce of slack or concern. I go to a military college and although it should not be taken so seriously but we do not tolerate this kind of behavior or show any sympathy towards 'em. We have a saying:

 

Iuguolo lemma totus , deus mos teneo suus own

 

It's latin meaning, Kill them all, God will know his own

 

Freagin you don't deserve this crap. Trust me when I say and do not take it for an opinion but a fact. Your better off losing that extra weight you've been lugging around. Now go and fly

[Mustachio]

Im just so scared that if i get over him he will want me back like really want me back and then it will be too late (i know its not likely but if it did happen would be just my luck) but i know this silly thinking is what is stopping me from moving on and healing which i know is want i really want and need.

 

I know exactly what you mean. The thought is very scary, it is scary to think that this person you love and care for might be gone forever... and it is scary to think that all the feelings you have might go away, it almost feels like it would be better to hold on to those feelings because at least then you would have something left to hold on to.

 

But remember this, and this is what I try to tell myself, if you get over him and move on... you just wont care, you wont care that its too late, you wont care that he might want to get back with you because you are just over it and better for it at that point. Just allow yourself to accept that possibility, and realize how much better you would be once you are over it. You will have all the power back that he stole from you.

[chazxoxo]

thanks for the advice! lol i know your right everyone who has replied to this thread has pretty much said the same things, the things i know deep down to be true! he is insecure i think he definatley was when we were together and i can see how having 2 people to pick up and drop whenever you want could make you feel better its just not something i would be able to do so i keep holding on to the hope that one day he will stop playing these games (although again deep down i know that is unlikely)

 

also he knows im insecure and i think he uses that to his advantage.

 

lol the thing that bugs me the most is i allow him to do this and i know that!

i am my own worst enemy really because the more i allow him to do it the harder it is to let go. i definatley think the only way i will be able to let go is NC and this time stick to it!!

 

i think im starting to accept for real now that he is'nt feeling bad about what he's doing and he probably wont ever feel or show any remorse for what he's done so i shud let that go too its only holding me back.

 

thank you again!

[chazxoxo]

hey, thanks for rplying people here are really helpful!

 

i think i understand what your saying like you cant really have them so you just cling on to the memories of what you had and the hope that they may come back? correct me if im wrongn im awful at putting my thoughts into words! i think im scared of feeling nothing because ill feel like ive wasted 3 years and gotten nothing from it.

 

and the part about moving on is exactly right! because once your over them you wont care that is what i want so badly! i really dont want to feel bitter anymore and i dont want to keep wanting him especially if he is never going to treat me the way i think i should be treated only problem is i know what i should be doing (NC at all and moving on) but my actions are the opposite and tell him its ok to do what he's doing....like i have the power to stop him but i cant stop myself.

 

its just hard right now to imagine not caring when i care so much.

i certainly cant imagine not caring if he did feel bad and want me back.

 

i think i just find it hard to understand how someone can treat people like like this and not feel bad about it as its not somethig i could do to another. i mean he tells me all the time he loves me wants me back blah blah blah but its not real! i want him to oneday feel genuine regret and remorse.

but thats just the way im feeling now i DO want to work my way to not caring at all anymore.

 

ive briefly read some of your posts on the NC challenge seems yr doing really well! how long have you been broken up? i cant wait til can last longer than my 8 days!

 

sorry my post are sooooo long!

[chazxoxo]

sounds like you were in love with the drama and not your boyfriend.

 

let it go.

 

lol yeah i know it must look like that but i really do love him well i duno maybe i love who he used to be he seems to have changed. i do want to let go too i just think a big part of that is accepting he does not want to be with me and thats hard when he tells me he loves me but then again i know thats probably a lie so i dont know what my problem is!

[Mustachio]

I wouldnt even necessarily say that you cling onto the memories and the hope of them coming back. Yes, you will cling onto that. But its more like, you always imagined them in your life, and even now you cant imagine your life without them, so you naturally want to hold onto your feelings. You imagine them and since they have removed themselves you hold on to what little you have left.

 

Believe me, I feel like Im doing alright, but if you have read some of my other posts you will see that every step forward I make, there is a part of me that stops and pulls me a step back. I am realizing that even though every step forward is met with a step back, I do not really need to repeat my steps forward, and each new one is a little better. If that makes any sense. So yes, progress, slowly, and it goes back and forth but progress nonetheless.

 

For me, 5 and a half weeks now since the breakup, 4 and a half weeks since I last saw her, 15 days since i last spoke to her. Its funny that you said that about 8 days, after that initial week, I made it 3 days then called, really short convo about nothing. Then I made it 8 days and she called me. Another 5 days after, then she accepted a months old facebook friends request (weird) so I called her. That was the last time we spoke, 2 weeks ago yesterday. Each time with NC does get easier thats for sure. The almost uncontrollable urge to call isnt there anymore for me and hasnt been for a while. You will get there too.

[chazxoxo]

He tells you he loves you when he's sleeping over at your place. What do you think he tells the girl who beat you up when he's screwing her over at her place?

 

omg you know what this is going to sound pathetic but ive been concentrating so much on what he says to me trying to decide wether its truth or lies or what ive never even questioned what he says to her! i feel like such a fool!

 

i just want to feel nothing for him but it feels like thats never gona happen.

[Mustachio]

omg you know what this is going to sound pathetic but ive been concentrating so much on what he says to me trying to decide wether its truth or lies or what ive never even questioned what he says to her! i feel like such a fool!

 

i just want to feel nothing for him but it feels like thats never gona happen.

 

I did this a lot too, try and remember that actions speak louder than words. I analyzed everything she said and in the end it didnt change what she did.

[Puckdog27]

do dumpers ever genuinly regret and realise what theyve lost?

 

Yes we do

[doiiiieeezie]

Yes they do... I was told of such last week..

 

The key is really... what can be done now to repair it at all.

[bear314]

Women are always the one who makes the decision on who it is their going to date. Where you when your mom was supposed to be teaching you this? Basically you can get anyone you want. Doesn't matter who you are or what you do women always have the final say. But try not to be so hard on yourself. Its hard to let go of someone you've invested so much into. Our emotions do not just turn on and off like a light switch. There are those people who can completely disregard those mental blocks. Start taking charge

[Hobbes]

Yes they do... I was told of such last week..

 

The key is really... what can be done now to repair it at all.

 

Agreed, been on both sides and have had genuine regret in both cases and doeiisiizieiie's key is the key.