How can I stop feeling resentful?

[Get over him..]

He broke up with me six weeks ago without an explanation - just some rubbish excuse about no spark. I am devestated and couldn't eat, sleep or go out for weeks. Found out that he had got someone new within a weeks. He takes her out on nights out, takes her shopping, keeps in contact and all the rest and he never did anything like that with me.

 

We wouldn't go out because he could never be bothered. Hated the pictures, hated my friends and hated taking me anywhere.

 

How can I stop feeling resentful that he does all these things with her. Im really struggling. Any advise would be really helpful!

 

Thanks for listening x

[Mustachio]

How long were you together? And I think another important question to ask is have you talked to him at all in the last 6 weeks? and if so, who contacts who and when was the last time?

[Get over him..]

We were together for four years. No contact at all. All contact is through his mum with regards to getting money back and my stuff!

[Mustachio]

It sounds like this guy was never truly into you in the first place. Can you really tell me that it was a good relationship? I know it hurts and I know it will hurt for a while, but if you cant say it was a good relationship then try to stop focusing on it and just focus on yourself, it really is the best thing. It is tough though, I am working on it myself and I find it extremely difficult, but I know I have made tremendous progress over the last month since my ex dumped me for another guy. My strategy so far is that whenever I feel down about it (and I do, a lot) I take a step back and really try to see things as they really were and not as the fantasy I had built up in my head.

 

Also, keep posting here, I have found that it is extremely helpful as it allows me an outlet for my feelings and there are so many people here who have been through everything you have been through.

 

I wouldnt worry about feeling resentful, you will feel that for a while, focus on yourself and eventually you will get to a point where he is so unimportant to you, that you will let go of the pain, let go of the resentment and just be a better person for yourself.

[Get over him..]

Your totally right! It wasn't a good realationship. He was really bad to me and I was really unhappy! I think what hurts the most is the rejection.

Thank you for your kind advice! I really needed to hear that. I hope everything works out well for you and you can be truly happy! x

[Mustachio]

Thanks, I know I will happy and I know you will be too.

 

Just remember though its tough, its going to be tough, and you will have good days and you will have bad. Just try and tell yourself that everytime you start to feel bad.

[Bismark776]

Hey, I'm recently out of a relationship about the same length as yours, took it about as hard too I think. Its been about a month and a half (I don't know the exact number of days anymore and I'm proud of it!) and I am going through the same thing. I'm feeling very angry at her and resentful about the whole situation. I'm told that that'll go away with time. We'll see. I can't really advise you on how to deal with it or make it go away or anything. I just live with it. I try not to think about her and when I do I try to think about the possibilities I'm open to instead. Not sure if any of this helps but good luck!

[Get over him..]

Thanks it does! I just wish I could stop caring like he obviously has! I just can't stop wondering if he is with her or calling her the names he used to call me etc! I need to get over this and think positive. Just having a bad day. Thanks for listening to my rant. Really thankful for your thoughts! x

[Mustachio]

Thanks it does! I just wish I could stop caring like he obviously has! I just can't stop wondering if he is with her or calling her the names he used to call me etc! I need to get over this and think positive. Just having a bad day. Thanks for listening to my rant. Really thankful for your thoughts! x

 

Heres what I do when I start thinking of my ex with her new boyfriend. I tell myself that our relationship was bad, and that it doesnt matter what she does. She is not my problem anymore, she is someone elses.

 

You also need to understand that after four years he hasnt forgotten you and there is a part of him that still cares whether he shows it or not. He has shown his character and he is doing what he wants to do for himself, it is selfish, but again its silly to think that he can just completely ignore and forget a 4 year relationship. Just remember, hes not your problem anymore, so who cares what he does or what he has told you or how great he says his new relationship is.

 

Sorry if that sounded harsh a bit, just what I tell myself when I have those thoughts creep in.

[AutumnBorn]

Here's the thing, you have to let your needs be known and demand that some of them be met. He didn't do those things with you probably because he either didn't care to meet your needs or didn't know that those simple things were important to you.

 

This girl probably has told him, "no, we're doing this together. I need you with me." You should do the same in your next relationship. Let your guy know you'll join him in some of his preferences, but he must do the same for you. Men want to please. Sometimes they simply need instructions.

[Get over him..]

I did ask him and he always said no! I think your right about him not caring enough to do things with me! It was always on his terms and I won't let that happen again! Wish I was strong enough to get over him!

[gsxr104]

I think if you stop thinking about him and his new g/f altogether and start thinking about yourself,you'll stop feeling the resentment. I know you're thinking "easier said than done" but when your mind gets off of them for a while and ytou catch yourself smiling and having a good time for a change you'll see what I mean.

[emmyems]

I kind of know how you feel...my ex showered me with SO much attention in the beginning of our relationship and after a couple months he never initiated contact, never let me hang out with him and his friends (i met ONE the entire year and a half we dated), never took pictures with me, etc etc. I don't know why I put up with it for so long. The relationship made me feel really bad about myself - I felt like I was naggy, clingy, b!tchy - when really I was none of those things. I simply wanted a relationship where we shared our lives and he was not willing to put in any effort whatsoever. I admit in hindsight that I probably tried to overcompensate for his lack of effort but I truly believe that I was never asking for too much. I was not whiny, never yelled, didn't guilt trip, etc - but when I asked him to return my call or asked him to come to dinner with my friend and her boyfriend I was "naggy" or "clingy". I know now that I wasn't - he just couldn't give me what I needed emotionally.

I am resentful too because with his old girlfriends he always took pictures with them, did romantic things, bought them gifts, etc. I know with his next gf he will probably treat her like a queen too - at least in the beginning, like he did with me. But I take solace in the fact that his exes and future gfs will likely experience the same feelings I experienced after the honeymoon phase is over - feeling taken for granted and like I'm dispensable. I actually can empathize with them even though I do feel resentment sometimes to a certain extent.

[mad rabbits]

I know very much how you feel....

 

I REALLY struggled with resentment after my last few break ups, for similar reasons. They immediately moved on with new women, and just to rub the salt in, treated them a million times better than me.

 

Autumn Born makes an important point, though. If I'm really honest I think at least part of the explanation is that the new ladies called these guys to account in a way I didn't. I though of myself as "easy going." A lot of guys say they want that, but in reality, I don't think they do. They want a lady who will make them work for it.

 

If you are asking for the things you need, and a man says no (either by his words or action), walk. You are better off alone, than in a relationship that has the capacity to make you feel so low - as you can see, it did.

 

We can blame them and be resentful all we want - at the end of the day its your decision to put yourself there (or, on the positive side, elsewhere )

[coolchick64]

Thanks it does! I just wish I could stop caring like he obviously has! I just can't stop wondering if he is with her or calling her the names he used to call me etc! I need to get over this and think positive. Just having a bad day. Thanks for listening to my rant. Really thankful for your thoughts! x

 

Boy, I went through exactly the same emotions. I have to believe that your ex was totally into you at one time in order to stay for four years. That's a long time to invest in someone. Maybe he couldn't make the transition from honeymoon to long term commitment. Some people misinterpret the inevitable cooling off as a lack of spark, or some flaw in the relationship, but it's usually because they don't or can't take it to the next level of intimacy.

 

Anyway, I think forgiveness is really important, even when someone's hurt you deeply. It will make you feel stronger and more self-confident moving forward. He hasn't given you a lot to work with in terms of explanations, but that's my advice to you. Try to see things from his POV and understand what he did. It may have been weak and selfish, but if you can understand it, you might be able to stop feeling resentful.

 

Banish all thoughts of the new GF from your mind. You're just torturing yourself over nothing. I went through the exact same things for weeks---picturing them at the same places, doing the same things, same pet names, same affectionate gestures----wondered if it was all just a gimmick he laid on every woman or if any of it was special. It's a pointless exercise. There's no way to know what's going on with them. In my experience, every relationship is unique, so there probably aren't too many similarities between yours and the new one anyway. Just don't let your mind go there.