Emotionally Available?

[Raoul]

I've been seeing a woman for several months now. We are both separated, her for almost 5 years, me for over a year now. We're both on our way to finalizing divorces. But they do drag on sometimes.

 

Some time after she separated, she was (for three years) involved with a man who treated her casually though she loved him. He has another woman that he seems more involved with. So her role was sort of a 'back door' romance. As she tired of this, we met on a dating website and have enjoyed each other's company. She still occasionally has lunch with this guy but says she has little interest in him. I believe he's trying t re-establish what they had. She doesn't want that and does not see him changing.

 

We are both busy personally and professionally. She has two grown children and a grandson and she does a lot of babysitting for her grandson. I have three children (17, 15, 12) that are with me alternate weeks. Like anyone our ages (she is 54, I am 58) we have lifelong friends that we want to see. Both of us have demanding jobs that involve travel and sometimes long hours. So time is at a premium for both of us.

 

While I'm trying to stay casual about all this, I am falling for this woman. She on the other hand seems ready enough to have a relationship but vows that she will never remarry. She seems suspect of going beyond where we are. I don't think that will be enough for me. I have been seeing several women but have winnowed that down in favor of spending time with her when we can make it work.

 

I am not in a hurry here and am ready to spend time getting to know her. But it sometimes seems that, though we enjoy each other's company (and the sex is terrific), she holds back or really does not have the capacity to trust or get more involved. This is painful for me. I know she's interested in me. But for what or how long, I cannot begin to know. My heart is fragile from the breakup of my 24 year mariage. She's worth the risk. But I do feel as though someting is wrong. Am I just a way for her to avoid being alone? Am I holding a place until she works things out with this other guy? Is she damaged from her marriage and this second relationship to the point where she cannot trust another?

 

Time and attention are really all we have in this world. I am ready to give her my full time and attention even with the complications of our respective lives. I am in no way sure that she is ready for that. I sometimes think that she'll run if I bring it up. This does not mean I want us to move in together or anything like that. I will take the chance that we can be more than a frequent date for one another.

 

I'd love to hear from the men and women on this site to get both perspective and advice. How do I sustain and grow a relationship under these curcumstances?

 

Raoul

[Ms Darcy]

How long ago did your marriage of 24 years end? Did you initiate it, was it mutual, or did your ex? Is this woman the first woman that you have fallen for since the divorce?

[Raoul]

Darcy,

 

My marriage ended a couple of years back. I filed on grounds of her infidelity though only after she refused to work on the marrriage.

 

I've dated a number of women, had strong feelings for one of them.

 

Thanks for asking,

Raoul

[Ms Darcy]

Why not talk to her: express your feelings and ask her what her expectations for the relationship are.

[Raoul]

Darcy,

 

Thanks. I am a direct sort of man and will do this. We do talk 'around' it sometimes.

 

I expect that, if this is to work longer term, that it will take time. We have been going out for nearly 6 months and the realtionship is doing okay. Its just that I see in her a lot of hesitancy (and maybe fear) that if she 'invests', she'll again be disappointed.

 

And she's right to do so. She had a nearly 25 year marriage that went bad (her ex-husband is an alcoholic) and then this realtionship with a man she was crazy about but that would not make the effort to make her feel desired and loved.

 

Meanwhile, my own 24-year marriage went down in flames. And I won't pretend that that did not affect the way that I look at opening my heart again.

 

So we do this 'dance' where its clear that we enjoy each other's company. Its just that sometimes I feel as though for her, this may be it. And maybe I make my peace with that if that's the case.

 

At the moment, the issue I have with being direct is that she may turn away both to protect herself and to not put me in a place to be hurt by someone that just can't do it right now.

 

She won't go back to her husband, this I know. But she may go back to her previous guy. She thinks she's just 'being his friend'. But he is clearly still interested in her (but will not decide she's to be his focus. Perhaps he's one of those people that just can't do that. And I don't kid myself that her having lunch with him keeps her tied to him in some way. I don't think she's gaming me to get at him. But who really knows the thoughts and motivations (conscious or not) of another?

 

I'm trying to relax and just enjoy the moment. But I am sort of a congenital worrier.

 

Thanks for your thoughts,

Raoul