Keraron Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 There is something about me that makes me burst into tears even when I try to write about it. And it makes me more and more pessimistic about life, and probably influences my current relationships as well, in a negative way, like a vicious cycle... For some reason I will never understand, certain people who get very close to me (often very good friends of the opposite gender), to the point that we reveal each other everything and talk about everything, suddenly just disappear. No explanation. No nothing. They just go "No Contact" as if it were a break up. Shortly before this happens, there may have been a little misunderstanding, maybe in which I didn't fully communicate something or they didn't. But then, they just disappear and never return to my life. It happened once and that was enough for me to get depressed whenever someone else gets friendly with me and doesn't contact me for 2-3 days. I start freaking out, crying. Also now it is happening to me, and I don't know whether I am the one who is still traumatic, or there are indeed reasons for which people want to suddenly separate even from a non-romantic or quasi-romantic relationship. What could such reasons be? Isn't it possible to at least stay in contact without all this emotional baggage? Personally, I don't mind if someone rejects me, if someone breaks up with me, if someone does anything... but I can't bear the fact that it happens with no explanation. Link to comment
Keraron Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 I recently also found the following quote from the film "Hitch". Even though it is only about break-ups, it more or less describes what makes me freak out so much... Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? I would like to know how, in your opinoin, I could at least talk with them, because I KNOW that my feelings are more hurt by non-communication rather than the truth. I prefer the truth rather than happiness. Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Keraon, People disappear because its easier than hashing out what went wrong. I hate the sting of rejection...the one that goes unexplained. I know what you are talking about. Since these people are "friends" though... don't take this the wrong way but you seem to feel too intensely about these people? Is that what they are reacting to? Why are you having these disagreements with friends? Disagreements with friends should be rare. Disagreements with lovers are common..the fighting is proportionate to our investment. Maybe try to lay back more? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 People pull disappearing acts all the time from others. You are not alone in this. Friendships fade until someone just disappears. Even family members can pull disappearing acts. Sometimes people disappear because of something the other person did and sometimes people disappear due to their own hangups and issues. That's just life. Sure it hurts when someone disappears without warning and without explanation..but if they disappeared then they are not worth your thoughts. Link to comment
Keraron Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 But how can every person whom I really like and appreciate be "not worth it"? I just can't believe in "not worth". Not after all the good and bad times shared, and the conversations, everything we went through! There MUST be something I did, and it MUST be something I (or both) can solve, if we communicated in the right way. There HAS to be a way out, I just don't know how, I don't know the directions. I don't want to keep trying the same things over and over again. I want some new way. I'm a reconciler. Link to comment
AngryHeart Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I know how you feel. I HATE losing people - it really, really hurts me. Have you dealt with abandonment in your childhood? If so, that's probably the reason you're so sensitive to it - it's like it brings back those memories, even if just subconciously. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 It seems to be a fairly common thing these days where people just disappear without explanation. I had a friendship of 4 years, which I thought was a good friendship - no problems, no issues, nothing negative and then one day, overnight, he just stopped communicating and disappeared with no explanation at all. It hurts and I still have no idea what happened. I know how you feel. It sucks. Link to comment
mad rabbits Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 If you feel this is happening repeatedly, I will go against the grain, you might be causing it.. I understand how painful this is.. What are you seeking from these people? People do not like to feel "put upon" unless they are already in a relationship with you...even then they don't like it! You must reach out, but before doing so, know that you are okay in yourself It is easy to make friends, if you give unconditionally, be yourself.. friends appreciate that I have a saying: "Be who you are, and say what you feel.. because those who mind don't matter.. and those who matter, won't mind" Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 If you feel this is happening repeatedly, I will go against the grain, you might be causing it.. I understand how painful this is.. What are you seeking from these people? People do not like to feel "put upon" unless they are already in a relationship with you...even then they don't like it! You must reach out, but before doing so, know that you are okay in yourself It is easy to make friends, if you give unconditionally, be yourself.. friends appreciate that I have a saying: "Be who you are, and say what you feel.. because those who mind don't matter.. and those who matter, won't mind" I would phrase it differently. It is easy to make "acquaintances". If you give of yourself you will have lots of acquaintances. However, you will only know if they are truly your friends if you need help and support from them (I am not talking financial help, simply a helping hand and moral support). That is when many people disappear..the minute you ask something from them. Many people are takers but not givers. Link to comment
Anyway Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 ...I'm a reconciler. I would learn to let go in this case. Why do you assume that you did something wrong in the first place? Maybe your friends decision has nothing to do with you?! Link to comment
Keraron Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 Why do you assume that you did something wrong in the first place? Maybe your friends decision has nothing to do with you?! Then why would they keep interacting with our friends in common as if nothing ever changed? It has to be something with me in that case... Link to comment
Keraron Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 Actually, friends in common are another reason for me to believe that they ARE worth the thoughts and that I should not just forget them just because I am unable to restore the relationship that existed between us. There has to be something that went wrong... Link to comment
Bella20 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I hate it when it happens with friends... specially in college. You are best friends freshman year, summer comes.. and bang, that's it, no talking anymore. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 I don't really have any answers other than to say that I understand more now why some (opposite sex) people disappear. With friends, it has usually meant that it was a poor relationship that I was not paying attention to. In other words, I was not listening to my instincts on it and - maybe I was lonely? - I kept trying when I should have walked away. I guess, this could also be true for intimate partner relationships. If you were to search on my name you would find alot of posts on "why people disappear" over the last almost year. Once, when I was 12 a boy 'disappeared' on me and refused to speak to me again even tho we were in the same biology class. That hurt. Now, years later a grown up male did that to me. Ack! it was very weird. Can I tell you why he did that? no, of course since - he has never contacted me after that last loving email saying he missed me. ????? I know, don't ask. This I do know: I can only be good to myself and love myself. If I can't be a loving person to myself then I will not be able to love another, or really be able to accept good love from another. So, it seems best to make sure that the most important relationship I have is with myself. I will not ever be able to accept love from someone else if it is greater than the love I can give myself. So, it always comes back to me and what I am doing for myself. Just my 0.02 worth. Let go and let God is also helpful sometimes. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ok, and another thing I have been thinking about lately is this: this man rejected based on who knows what criteria. But I have been thinking lately that he didn't even really know me as well as my friends do. How can you reject someone that you don't know really well, or that you know in an intimate partner way - which can be waaay diferent from how you are with friends and family. I mean, one date sure you can say I don't like you. But four months of getting to know someone deeply and then you decide this person is someone you are not interested in? Our conversations were very deep and intimate but did he really know me on a daily basis the way my co-workers and friends, family know me? What we had was special - but we were still getting to know each other as regular friends as well. What in there was the trigger that sent him away? I have to turn it over and accept that he doesn't even know what he is missing. Link to comment
Keraron Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 In my specific case, she knows me very well now, and knows my friends very well, and has gained the respect and esteem of my friends, as well as mine. All I can say about this behavior is that it is highly irrational, i.e. the explanation must be at a deep emotional level that they don't want to reveal or are uncomfortable with. I wonder... could it be that these people expected something from us, and then disappeared because we didn't fulfill that expectation? Link to comment
AnotherDude Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Please for the sanity of yourself, just think to yourself "its his loss anyway". Thats really ALL it comes down to with someone exercising their confidence properly. If you want to be much happier as a person, just chalk it up to experience and try try again. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 This is normal behavior in people, they come and they go. It hurts and you heal. Then it will happen again. Some people never come to accept this flow and drive themselves crazy with the obsession of it. The more determined you are to hold people to you, the harder they will try to break free. Link to comment
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