860CTguy Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 OK... so I guess the most efficient way to go about this post would be to first create a timeline of incidents that leads up to the situation I'm in today. My bf and I are the same age - 26. He just came out of an 8-year relationship with a man 12 years his senior (yes they met when they were 17 and 30). It was a bad relationship that was sour for about 4 of the 8 years. My bf cheated constantly on his ex, as a form of rebellion for lack of sexual connection with someone who was both mentally controlling and devastatingly unattractive (IMHO). I met my bf in January as he was in the tail-end of the relationship with his ex. We hung out occasionally and became physical, though I was hesitant to go too far because of the situation he was in and also because he really didn’t seem to be making an effort to leave this “person he hates so much.” They broke it off mid-Feb and we began dating in early March (officially), though we’d been seeing each other off and on for close to 3 months. March: poetry and kittens… bliss. Smitten… happy, totally into each other, totally all about each other, spending time together, etc. Late march: my bf begins questioning why I have certain people on my facebook, as well as why I feel the need to have photo albums of me up on facebook out having a good time at gay clubs, etc. Mind you – my bf’s ex was closeted and they NEVER went out. My bf had no friends (no joke) and literally started getting out into the gay scene this year, so this is all new to him. My bf admits that he sees these photos and wonders "did i sleep with these people?" constantly. So I delete the photos to appease him. April: my bf starts snooping around my house when I'm at work (we have conflicting schedules. I’m m-f 8-5 and he's mixed 1st/2nd shift sat thru wed) and finds my old cell phone which literally had not been used in over a year. He sees texts from past hookups, finds the email address I had used to meet said hookups with. At this point my bf is still in touch almost daily with his ex… his ex is begging for him to come back constantly via email and text (and leaving voicemails too), and they also have a house to sell together. It’s really rubbing me the wrong way and I even offer to speak to the ex to ask him to back off because it’s making my BF get upset. My bf tells me no, that he can handle it himself…and continues talking to ex. Late April: because of the proximity of my place to his work, by this time my bf is almost living at my place full time. his personal belongings begin trickling in...clothes...coffee maker...etc. Mid may: 2 days after getting a random facebook message from some kid randomly wanting to hook up (which I told him no…and that he is an idiot if he doesn’t see that I’m not single from my facebook profile), I get a random email from my old email address used to meet people (i had not disconnected it from my blackberry but was just disregarding/deleting emails as they came in as many were just junk email from signing up for random websites etc). It's from a 22 year old kid saying we talked a while ago and did we want to meet. I responded out of curiosity, and we went back and forth and went so far as to set up a meeting, but I never had any intent of meeting with the person because i knew in my heart I didn't want to jeapardize the relationship. As it turns out, this "kid" was my bf posing under a fake email. he flipped out and ran away to NYC for 2 days, doesn't say a word to me, refuses to answer any texts from me apologizing, etc. I feel terrible naturally, i screwed up... I think what happened was because i had cold feet. i don't really know. he comes back after the two days and I set on a mission to get the relationship back together, to prove to him I want to be committed and happy and that it is possible for us to work through this. I bring him with me to Verizon the very next day and get my cell phone number changed. I have him sit with me and I delete the old email account. I delete any ex's I was still occasionally chatting with on facebook (as friends and nothing more) off facebook. I delete anyone I ever did things with off my facebook. late may: around this time my bf expresses an interest in the thought of a threesome. mid june: while I am at work he raids my external hard drive and discovers photos of myself with exes, etc, that I haven't looked at in months, some of which were obviously not something for him to see. Many are well over a year old...I'm a packrat and i just put them on my external HD to make space on my computer. this again causes huge issues. my bf really never has been in the dating scene so the concept of having exes and it being possible to relate to them platonically even after a relationship is over is foreign. further he insists that because they're on the HD that they are obviously something I care about...which i don't. they were blindly moved there just to make room. this marks a trend of repeated raids of my harddrive wherein he turns over virtually everything. even emails I saved from my old job are questioned because a few were with exes (when i left my old job i saved 2.5 years of emails to my HD without even caring what was there...i just wanted to save them). Late June: we go to NYC for NYC pride weekend. We hold hands for almost the entire trip and we decide it would be helpful to us both if we got promise rings to cement our committment. We get cheap silver ones at a street vendor, exchange them at sunset...totally romantic. July: he starts getting pissy all the time. I am a peacemaker, he begins picking fights. I remind him that I am working hard to earn his trust back and that he has only rewarded it by violating my trust and personal space by going through my stuff. He suggests downgrading to friends and i tell him I think it's not a good idea because I think that we are a great match and that we can make it through this rough patch. I also think it's not healthy that he wants to leave a relationship so he can go do the partying and being single and alone that i got to do and that he never got to do. (jealousy has become a huge problem at this point). early August: On our monthly anniversary i am exhausted from work and so is my bf. We go out with a friend to a bar about a half hour away, and I drive both ways at his request. On the way home i'm really tired...even nod off a few times. We drop off our friend and I ask my bf if he can drive the few miles home. he gets in the driver seat of my car and flips out, acting totally hostile, blasting the music and driving unreasonably fast. he says he's pissed because I asked him to drive. Yay. ruined anniversay. mid to late August: continued sporadic arguments about stupid things happen, and when they do, he flies totally off the deep end. when he does, he actually physically begins pushing me out of the way. he refuses to talk. he gets a look in his eyes that scares the crap out of me and I secretly wonder more than once if he might even try to hurt me. around this time period, on his day off he goes on craigslist and contacts an adult modeling agency to look into doing porn because he is stressed about money. he tells me this over a week later and I'm shocked - he's even sent them photos of himself and has talked to a few people at the agency. he has turned down multiple under-the-table gigs doing landscaping at 15/hr, but he is actually considering doing porn? mind you, without even talking to me about it? I'm completely shocked. late August: we go out to NYC. have a great dinner. we go dancing at a gay club. mind you, since march i have been on-guard with blinders up 24-7. I dance with him the whole night and then he brings us over to dance with someone else. The kid starts grinding against me and i feel totally uncomfortable and turned off. I get upset and ask for us to go outside, I tell him sorry but I dont feel comfortable dancing with someone else, and he throws a fit because he says "well you're with me, so it doesn't matter. if it was back home and i wasn't there it would be different." i continue to disagree and we leave, he refuses to talk to me for a half hour, then he vents again: this is my first real relationship, I've never been out in the scene...etc. An hour later we're sitting at a McDonald's grabbing a snack and he starts crying and saying he loves me. About this time i begin looking up on websites for clues of how to recognize whether someone is manipulative/emotionally abusive, etc. I become concerned over the fact that whenever I want to have a serious conversation about improving the relationship he dismisses what I say or doesn't pay attention to me (instead he STARES at his computer and looks at xtube, facebook, anything he can... or even worse, he'll pick up his phone to block his view of me and start messing around on it!!), but anytime he ever needed to discuss something, i made damn sure that he had my undivided attention. At this point, my bf has been regularly borrowing my clothes (often without asking, which for the most part I was fine with) for about 2 months. Early September: On our monthly anniversary we decide to go to NYC for the weekend. I take vacation time, so does he. By this time he had ruined a perfectly nice pair of my sneakers by wearing them so often to work, gym, barefoot, you name it. As we're packing he asks if he can bring a pair of my jeans for himself. i say no, because I knew he was wearing them a lot lately and it was annoying me that I could see that the jeans (which were expensive) were wearing thin. So I tell him no, sorry, they're wearing thin so i'd like to take it easy on them. instead I grab another pair (which coincidentally looked similar to the pair I just mentioned because they were the same brand). he's quiet and pissy for the entire 2-hour trip to NYC, and finally asks why i took the jeans on the trip that i wouldnt let him wear. I'm like..."what? i didn't bring them, go ahead, look in my bag if you want. are you seriously gonna argue with me about not being able to wear my jeans, and further, what jeans i DID bring?" he calms down a bit after we get ready to go out for dinner for our 6-month anniversary. he gets dressed and I hop in the shower after, and change in the bathroom. I wanted to surprise him with somewhat of a fashion-forward outfit (being that it's NYC and early fall and what not) so i'm wearing tight black jeans, boots, and a green flannel shirt...very hipster. his reaction was 'aren't you getting dressed up?' I say "...um..I am" "Well, can you please wear something different? i'm not comfortable being seen out with you in public like that. i'm not attracted to that, I like a preppy look. I wouldn't date someone that looked emo or goth and thats how you're dressed..its a turnoff" so i more or less explode and tell him to get used to it because I dress that way often in colder months, and further that he was being a total jerk for a) making such a comment on our anniversary and b) even just the principle of saying that to someone you've been in a relationship with for 6 months already! I cool off and we go to dinner. We go to a nice italian place and he gets filled up relatively quickly. during dinner at somepoint I got up to use the bathroom, and when I got back, he comments that a guy sitting a few tables over had checked me out, and we laugh because we both think the guy's ugly as sin. I finish my dinner, but he can't finish his and his silverware was set down, so (like many times before) I assumed it would ok to try a nibble of his dinner. i take a sip of water, then we pay the check. not even a minute goes by before he explodes at me on the street and tells me that he's pissed that i drank from his glass of water and also that i tried some of his food without asking. I tell him i refuse to let him ruin 2 anniversaries in a row as a result of him flipping out over completely stupid, minor things, and remind him that it's completely and utterly absurd that he is picking a fight with me over apparently accidentally sipping from his water glass and for trying a bite of food that was going to be thrown out anyway. We walk around a bit, then go to a club. The same club we went to where the issue of dancing with other people came up last time. By the time we begin dancing we're fine. Then we started dancing with this other couple, and I'm uncomfortable but i don't want to deal with the evening being ruined so I just go along with it. as we're dancing, the guy i'm dancing with is groping me and i freak out because i don't want that kind of contact and because i think it's totally inappropritate. I wouldn't even touch him. Well...lo and behold, I turn around and catch my bf with his hand in the CROTCH of the person he was dancing with. as soon as i catch him, he jerks out his hand from the kid's pants and attempts to look innocent. i give him a sour look and he goes "well i thought it was ok since we're here together." I'm like WHEN WAS THIS DISCUSSED??? We continue dancing and he continues the groping, so I start to do the same. I look over 20 minutes later, and he's frenching with 2 different guys! So i start kissing the kid i'm dancing with. my mindset: "f*** it!" I couldn't believe it. here he's put me through guilt trips, fight after fight, nitpick after nitpick since may even though I had made concrete mental and tangible changes to repair the relationship, been truly committed, totally respectful of him, given him not an ounce of excuse to distrust me, and also I never once cheated on him, and here he is initiating PHYSICAL CONTACT with 2 other people IN FRONT OF ME. i was livid. given, i started doing it after he did, but only because I was totally confused and upset and angry. the rest of the night wasn't pleasant. we argued almost all night. That brings us to now. Since that incident in NYC with groping other people, I haven't trusted him... or, rather, my trust in him has been systematically depleted through 3 months of violating my personal space/going through my stuff and showing blatant disrespect to both me and the relationship by disregarding/dismissing serious conversations about our relationship itself. This distrust culminated in me creating an email address and posting an ad on craigslist in the hookup section. I posed as a 29 year old with a perfect body, living close by with a place to himself. Within 20 minutes of my bf getting home from the gym, he responded to the ad and included photos of himself (including one with him wearing a pair of MY underwear posing in front of the mirror in MY bathroom). Acting under this alias, I set up a meeting place. I took the afternoon off from work citing a personal emergency and waited at the meeting site. Lo and behold, he shows. When I walked up to the car, he pointed at me and claimed "oh i knew it was you the whole time." Mind you... the ad I posted was of a person who looks nothing like myself. Further, why would i meet someone for a hookup during my lunch break, when I have no reason to, being that I'm in a relationship. *crash and burn* The next day I was exhausted from work. I came home and was sleeping after work. He went through my phone while I was asleep and saw that I had chatted on AIM using my phone to a few friends about what had happened the day before. He then left the house without me on a night when we usually go out together. He was depressed angry and sad when i got to the place, and admitted to going through my phone and invading my space yet again. i told him that going forward, because he had violated my space so many times that I didn't want him to wear my clothes any more. this past Friday we're sitting together on the couch watching TV and downloading some music and I look over at his computer and see the name of the person running the adult modeling agency on his facebook friend list. So i ask him if he is still in touch with the agency (they're on his myspace friends too), and he says yes, they continue to call and email him and he just disregards it. So i calmly and respectfully request that he send an email to the adult modeling talent scout to say he's no longer interested and to please stop contacting him. i told him it would really be helpful to me if he did this because of my trust issues with him When I do this, my bf gets a smirk on his face and just goes back to browsing the web, completely ignoring me. I flip out because I'm completely insulted by the fact that he would ignore my simple request to email the people that he wanted to do PORN with to say he's not interested, and also because he is showing no respect for me whatsoever by blatantly and purposely ignoring me. He finally starts listening to me after i close his laptop and ask that he at least have the courtesy to act like he even cares about the relationship. Ultimately it turns into a 45-minute argument when it could have taken him 30 seconds to write the 2-second email that he did. That brings us to this week... on Monday he asked me if he could wear one of my shirts, and i stood by my word and said no, i didn't feel ok with it. he has plenty of very nice clothes so I saw no point in it. he flipped out and during the course of the day arrived at the conclusion that he thinks he should move out. So my question here is: should he move out? he seems convinced that it would restore the relationship back to health because we won't be around each other. i personally just think it's a cop-out because he even told me when we discussed this monday night and i said 'do you want to be in this relationship or not' his answer was 'yes...and no' in fact he has said that off and on for almost 4 months. last night we talked again and after much deliberating I told him that we either need to improve, or call it off. I told him i think it's pointless for us to be stuck in something we're not happy with. He contradicted himself yet again saying he wants to be with me but also saying he's not sure of what he wants. I told him I *do* know what I want, but that i am not OK with being a science project for him to figure out "what he wants" with. Anyway so yeah...that's kinda my story. It's obviously very complex. anyone have any thoughts? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Wow, DTMFA. That's absurd. All of it. Him for acting like that and you for acting like a doormat. Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 The thing that's so hard to deal with is that when it's good, it's GOOD. We connect really well...shared interest/fanatacism with cars, his family thinks I'm great and my Mom likes him... fundamentally he is a great guy. I do realize that in May I screwed up. But unlike him, when the screwup happened I made immediate changes to isolate what happened and create the foundation for a positive environment moving forward. Yet he has said he will change, and instead, the incidents continue to happen. All of my friends that i talk to about my BF are beginning to seriously wonder why I'm with him. Looking back, i realize that in many situations I have been a doormat, which is exactly what I don't want. I'm realizing that now and as I told him last night, I can't accept being unhappy anymore and that he either needs to get his act together or that I can't continue the relationship with him in a romantic capacity. I love him, yes, but if it means I will have to love him as a friend, then in my mind maybe thats how it will have to be. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Entrapment and acting like a controlling ape from his part... he wanted to find something so he could control you. And it worked, hook line and sinker. You threw out any remaining independence just to make him feel better. He's playing you and you need to seriously curbstomp him. For your own sanity. Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Sorry, why are you guys together again? Dump him! He's not worth the effort! Link to comment
FathomFear Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I am definitely not a relationship expert, but even after reading ~20% of your post it seemed quite clear that this arrangement is not healthy. And while I'm definitely not making excuses for him I have a suspicion his primary problem is that he does not have a sense of boundaries in the relationship as a result of being in a relationship with a closeted guy for 12 years. Not having friends, not living out of the closet, not seeing what it means to be out of the closet, etc--all are factors that likely make it hard for him to interpret such things as old hookups on your cellphone, etc. If you want to give the relationship any sort of chance (even though I suspect it's not worth the effort) you should at least stop letting him roll over you and stick your ground when he behaves irrationally. Otherwise he'll never learn and you'll have to keep putting up with the crazy BS. Link to comment
lukeb Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 It doesn't sound like your BF ever had a chance to grow up, for him to jump from one bf to the next was the last thing he needed. I'm sorry to read about the troubles you're going through, but partly you are the author of your own misfortune. Most of us tend to be. Your bf doesn't know who he is, behaves in a totally immature manner, but then what do you expect? What were you expecting from what you saw how he was with his old bf? Also did you think you were going to get a quality bf, who cheated on his ex to be with you? A guy who so easily cheats on his BF is usually also going to be insecure about his own. If he can easily cheat then in his mind so can you. Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 It doesn't sound like your BF ever had a chance to grow up, for him to jump from one bf to the next was the last thing he needed. I'm sorry to read about the troubles you're going through, but partly you are the author of your own misfortune. Most of us tend to be. Your bf doesn't know who he is, behaves in a totally immature manner, but then what do you expect? What were you expecting from what you saw how he was with his old bf? Also did you think you were going to get a quality bf, who cheated on his ex to be with you? A guy who so easily cheats on his BF is usually also going to be insecure about his own. If he can easily cheat then in his mind so can you. I tried to click on "Helpful Post", and it replied with "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to lukeb again.". +1. Link to comment
TCC Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 CT mate, I think you know what needs doing... you just need the courage and strength to go through with it. Hope it goes well. Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 Yesterday morning I broke up with him. It was our 7-month anniversary. Yesterday was the saddest day I've had...possibly ever. I still have a headache from crying so much. He is crushed and so am I. He is moving out today. I told him I still love him and care about him, and he told me the same. I told him just because we are broken up doesn't mean I want to or will disappear... it's really * * * * ty right now, but we are going to have to deal. Link to comment
ceez Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 It'll get better. take some time to spoil yourself, go shopping or to the spa or something and try to relax. Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 I am still Ok with spending time with him, but I don't want to blur the lines around the fact that we are indeed broken up right now. He has already expressed interest in wanting to sleep with me, and I've told him I don't think it's OK to right now because it will only add to the confusion. I am OK with kissing him though, and hugging...he flies to very extreme emotional ends when he's upset and seeing him cry so hard just makes me think how tortured he must feel. I feel terrible, but I can't afford to let myself get pulled back into it until we seriously have time apart. He's also very afraid that I will go and date people or hook up. I've told him that dating other people isn't even on my radar right now. I need time to recover. Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Why is this so hard!!!!! I am walking around with a lump in my throat all the time, I cry at random times...I am SO sad and so is he Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Why is this so hard!!!!! I am walking around with a lump in my throat all the time, I cry at random times...I am SO sad and so is he Then maybe he shouldn't have acted like a total untrustworthy buffoon. But that's just me. Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Yeah true, but still, whether or not he trusted me, the connection we had was unlike anything I've ever experienced. Random people would come up to us and tell us how awesome of a couple we were when we went out...it was amazing. Once an old guy came up to us and was like, you guys are the iconic gay couple. The good thing is that we are handling this whole situation pretty maturely. The mud-flinging and drama isn't happening. People aren't siding with one person or the other...I think that's a testament to the fact that our friends respected both of us individually and as a couple. We are still talking and trying to help each other through this. Link to comment
renegade43 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 His ex babied him, and he expects the same from you. His ex treated him like a prince because he knew he couldnt find anything better, and your guy now expects the same from you. You either need to treat him like a man and make him eat his foul attitude, or leave a box on the doorstep....... You can go on forever trying to get it just right, but there are sometimes when you have to admit that too much little drama is just too much.... Or, you can consider yourselves a married couple, know he tends to be a whiny baby and just deal with it.....either way, you need to toughen up and not let this guy treat you like he owns you. Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 last night he and I had a heart-to-heart conversation with 2 close friends to get an outsider's perspective, at my insistance. We were at our friend's place to watch a TV show as a group, and my bf was being cold and I needed a hug...wouldn't give me one, and then said "if we're not in a relationship then it's not right. i want to be in a relationship with you again to hug you and kiss you and cuddle." and he begged to stay over tonight and cuddle. I said we were not going home without talking to our friends first. during the conversation one of our friends hit the nail on the head... right now, I am in a place in my life where I am looking for a relationship with one person, to wake up with them, etc. Right now, my bf is more focused on having his own apt, making friends, etc. The issue is that my bf feels trapped and that he can't make friends because he's in the relationship with me. He feels as though all the friends he's made are my friends. not his. our friend told us we should each make a list of goals of where we want to be in 1 year and 5 years, then come back and discuss them with our friend. I thought this was a great idea the conversation felt productive, but at the end of the night my bf was anxious to go, wouldn't give me a hug goodbye (actually he pushed me off him), and as soon as he left he sent texts - "your decision" "i feel like im being rejected so whats the point of making effort" i didn't respond to the texts and instead when right back inside and talked with our friends more, showed them the additional manipulative/guilt-trip texts that were continuing to flow in. they advised me to not respond. not take his calls... and just go home and sleep. I get home and his facebook status is "fed up" I shut off my phone and woke up this AM and saw he textd me at about 2:45am saying "sleeping by myself It's now 9:20am and I still haven't responded to anything. my friend told me that if I respond it should just be "i'm glad we had the discussion last night and i'm looking forward to us discussing our goals on friday" and nothing more...and that it should wait until after work. i am SO confused. I feel SO out of my element ignoring his texts. I'm not a manipulative person...I don't know how to be. I don't know what's going on!! Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Dude, you have got to take control of how you feel. Read your posts. You're absolutely pinwheeling here. I think you need to go NC and sort yourself out. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 NC? whats that No contact. Link to comment
folie_a_deux Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 2 words: break up. the guy is a jerk and emotionally unstable, like my mother. Link to comment
IcecreamLove Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I read your entire post and just wow....I completley agree with lukeb. He doesn't seem like he has had a chance to grow up and is really immature. I don't think dating someone really older like that at 17 helped from the get-go. I personally definitely do not think it's worth spending so much of your life with someone who makes you so unhappy. Sometimes I tend to act the same way for my lack of relationships and interactions with gay men, but those issues stem much much deeper. Maybe he should get some counciling or therapy to work his problems out? If the good times are GOOD and the bad times are BAD, you have to take it apart yourself. Is the juice is really worth the squeeze? Are the good things completely worth being shattered by the incredibly bad things? Link to comment
860CTguy Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Here's a progress report... So far has progressed to facebook drama and flinging poo and airing dirty laundry. But he also is trying to be friends with me. I told him as long as he's attempting to give me grief/get under my skin/cause drama...aka be disrespectful toward me, I have no interest in having contact with him. In fact, i told him that if he texts me and it's got attitude, my phone goes away, and I disregard everything afterward. He does seem to be moving on though. He's now posting for sex on craigslist regularly and has an account with manhunt. Which is fine...he can do what he wants, so long as if i do the same things (which I have every right to) that he doesn't give me grief for it. Otherwise, i'm basically just avoiding him and generally being standoffish to illustrate my point that i don't want anything to do with a 'friendship' where one of the parties constantly talks smack about the other. I'm 26...I'm out of middle school Link to comment
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