What are the parameters for telling children about infidelity?

[MoTay]

Short summary: My wife of 22 years cheated. I first found out five years ago. We started marriage counseling. I committed to it, she didn't. I've since learned that she was never honest with me or the counselor (ie, concealed the nature and extent of the affair). She eventually stopped going to counseling. The affair (physical and emotional) never stopped. In late May of this year she went off to meet with him out of state (and took some of the kids with her). That was the last straw.

 

I've moved out (long story...I tried kicking her out but the law won't allow that). We are divorcing.

 

We have seven daughters. Ages are 22, 20, 19, 17, 14, 12, 8.

 

The question is, do we tell the kids?

 

Additional details:

 

My STBX re-started counseling after this latest blow up. She wants to reconcile. I don't. The counselor told her we should not tell the kids.

 

My oldest won't talk to me. She knows about the affair, but only thinks it was some innocent e-mails with an old friend. She doesn't know the full extent of the cheating.

 

The kids by and large seem to be taking this well. I took an apartment near by. They come over a lot, and spend the night a lot.

 

The 19 year old doesn't get along with my STBX. She moved in with me (and is working and going to school).

[avman]

The oldest children (17-22) are old enough to know. The 14 year old I'd say depends on his/her level of maturity. Some are probably old enough to know, others may not do very well with it. I don't think you should tell the 12 and 8 year olds. They aren't ready to process those kinds of adult issues.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I echo Avman's post.

 

Tell the younger daughters that you sometimes people are better people when they aren't together. And that this is no one's falt. Things just happen. When they are older, they will have to come to terms with it on their own and they will realize who did what to whom.

 

No need to push them to understand. They eventually will and they won't need any of your help. They may respect you more for not inflicting ill will on them during their young age.

[lavenderdove]

You need to be very careful about not spilling lots of details to any of them because you are angry. It is important that regardless of the trouble between the two of you and her cheating, that you don't try to damage their relationship with their mother.

 

I think you can tell the older kids that you are divorcing because she had an affair, but then tell them that it is not your place to share details about that, and if they want to know more, they should talk to their mother.

 

And I would definitely not tell the younger kids. I'm sure when they are older, if nothing else the siblings will tell them, but they don't need to get into the complexities of adult relationships and sexual behavior at their ages. I personally would not tell any of the ones younger than 18 and still living at home with their mother.

[catfeeder]

If you speak badly of your ex to your kids, they might be compliant as you wound them, but on some level, they're likely to hold it against you forever--especially as they grow older and realize what you did to them.

 

Your role as a father is to protect your kids, not to use their innocence as a weapon against their mother.

 

Speaking badly of someone's mother is the lowest form of insult. No matter how you slice this, that's half their DNA, and your intentions aren't purely removed from self-interest, or you wouldn't need to go there. Take it to a therapist, or take it to a friend--but if you don't want to damage your kids just to spite your ex, then leave them out of this.

[mrmaximum]

What does your gut tell you? You know your sitch better than anyone and yes, it is never a good idea to sling mud. The thing about that is that you cannot sling it without it getting on you. Here's the sitch; if they ask why....tell them, but leave the sordid details out as much as you can. There is no need to discredit her character anymore than you need to in this regard. Someone has to be the Hero in this situation as Dr. Phil loves to state. Someone has to be the example they can look up to and emulate. I apologize that it has to be you as you are here and your ex isn't. If they ask, do not evade the question, but do not tell more than they need to know. Your older daughters are adults and can form their own opinions, but the younger ones still need some time and guidance before this the truth comes out.

 

I feel for you and your sitch and I wish that this never happened but reality has made another choice for you unfortunately. Be there for them, tell them what they need to know but DO NOT VENT to them, this would be catastropic to them. Someone needs to be the rock they need to base their lives and I apologize once more that in many cases it has to be you.

 

Good Luck and Godspeed.

[waveseer]

If she were ever remorseful and wanted to share it with the older children that would be beneficial. Otherwise telling other people who care about her "what she did" is breaking her confidence with them. Matters of infidelity are between the parties directly involved. I would never tell my children what their father did no matter how old they were. It is not my place to damage their relationship with him.

[mrmaximum]

If she were ever remorseful and wanted to share it with the older children that would be beneficial. Otherwise telling other people who care about her "what she did" is breaking her confidence with them. Matters of infidelity are between the parties directly involved. I would never tell my children what their father did no matter how old they were. It is not my place to damage their relationship with him.

 

Unfortunately, kids have a way of getting involved.

[lady00]

I do not think the children should be told. I think there is a great danger of negatively impacting their relationship with their mother. A person can be a fantastic parent while at the same time being a lousy partner. I don't think there are benefits to them from knowing that will be outweighed by the possible danger of affecting their relationship with their mother which may otherwise be a quite positive one.

 

I think what needs to be worked on (and what I hope will be worked on) is the relationship between you and your children and your STBX and the children. It does not bode well that one child isn't talking to you and one isn't talking to her. The children deserve to and should have a healthy and loving parent-child relationship with both of you. I do not think that sitting them down and telling them about your STBX's infidelity will help with this and repairing these parent-child relationships is probably the most important thing that needs to happen in this situation.

 

The children will probably have questions, but I think that explaining that you and your STBX no longer wish to be in a relationship with each other and that things are not working out between you two does not require talking about the infidelity. I really don't see that as a necessary part of that conversation and I also don't think it will help repair the damaged parent-child relationships that already exist.

[mrmaximum]

I see that I may have left some vital information out. I agree that children shouldn't know about infidelity, however, if they ask, if they press (and some do) then you should consider it. The younger ones cannot know until they are mature enough to handle it under any circumstances, but the older ones are going to have questions, answer them truthfully, to a point.

 

You do not bring it up, you do not volunteer the information, you do not vent to them in a moment of anger (this one will be the toughest for you most likely as you may be seen to be the bad guy) but you be the example that they need to get through this rough time. If they older ones ask, and you think they can handle it, you may consider it. Otherwise it's simply information that they do not need to be party to.

[catfeeder]

Why not simply respond, "...any question you have about your Mom you can ask your Mom about... would you like to call her now?" and leave it at that?

 

Any way you pretzel it, being the one to inform your children of their Mother's behavior will damage your relationship with them. As much as it may not appear so at the moment, kids have a way of wising up--and the transparency and manipulation behind trying to 'win' the 'good parent' position while trashing the 'bad spouse' will come back around to bite you in the ass. I promise. There is not a single valid reason for this in the world.

[mrmaximum]

Why not simply respond, "...any question you have about your Mom you can ask your Mom about... would you like to call her now?" and leave it at that?

Any way you pretzel it, being the one to inform your children of their Mother's behavior will damage your relationship with them. As much as it may not appear so at the moment, kids have a way of wising up--and the transparency and manipulation behind trying to 'win' the 'good parent' position while trashing the 'bad spouse' will come back around to bite you in the ass. I promise. There is not a single valid reason for this in the world.

 

And then what happens if/when the cheating party spins and lies? What we must understand is that one isn't trashing the other by telling the truth. While sordid details fall into the category you have described, simply saying that they may have been seeing someone else is hardly slinging mud. This is a last resort, which is why I stated only to do so when pressed.

 

It isn't up to the Betrayed parent to protect the dignity of the Wayward parent. Yes, leave things as they are as much as one can. Do not volunteer this information no matter how things may get spun and turned around, placing the blame on you. Some (not all, but some) will still press and want thr truth. Even after the advice you have given (which is good btw, and I have come accross a case where the BS told his kids just that.

 

Children are fragile, but they aren't so delicate that they need to be protected from reality. IF (and this is a big if as I'm sure some people do not really know about infidelity in their families) years down the road they ask, as they finally want to know (and even then, some put it together themselves anyway) and after years of possibly getting the run around from the WS they ask, I suggest telling them. I have come accross quite a few cases where the kids did ask months or years later, and I will indeed have to tell you, really haven't come accross many cases (I think one, that's it) where the child in question was upset they asked. My wife had to go through this very issue with her two, her ex was a serial cheater and both of her kids know it. I wasn't on the scene when they found out so I don't know if my wife simply told them or if they asked. Maybe I will find out and post the update for Motay to make his own choice. They did take the break up hard, but the issue wasn't his cheating, it was him leaving that bothered them the most and affected them negatively.

 

My point is, the bewilderment that they felt usually wasn't aimed at the parent who told, but the parent who had strayed in the first place. Telling the truth WHEN ASKED isn't slinging mud. That is unfortunately the issue with being the example, by doing so you become the person who isn't jeopardizing people's well being for their own gain. If the WS spills, great, if the kids never ask, great. If the WS spins and lies and the kids don't ask, great. If the kids finally realize that they cannot trust the WS and finally press the BS, another go round of sending them back to the WS could get a little maddening. If they come out and ask "Did you guys break up beacuse Mom/Dad cheated" what good would it do to lie to them? If they want to know, they will find out sooner or later. Any character defamation one may earn by finally telling would be deflected by how long the issue was kept mum.

 

If it's done to be spiteful, that is asking for trouble and could indeed bite someone in the hieine, if it's done for clarification when backed into a corner so to speak, that is a different animal all together.

[catfeeder]

It's not about deceiving your kids, or protecting them from the truth, it's about protecting your own relationship with them. If a kid is old enough to figure out that Mom cheated, they're also old enough to be given responsibility for conversing with the parent they believe is the offender--and they're old enough to decide whether they believe that parent or not.

 

My position isn't a moral finger-wag, it's practical. One lapse into self-indulgence can form the kind of wedge between you and your kids that you won't see coming. You don't need to lie in order to direct your kids away from the idea that you're willing to trash their other parent. You can tell them that you're willing to answer any questions they want to ask you about yourself, but their mother should be the one to answer questions about herself. If she's not honest, then she's the one who will harm her own relationship with her children, while you've kept it clean and you've demo'd a consistent strength of character that won't turn your family into a Jerry Springer show.

 

It might feel good to come out sideways on a spouse that has harmed you, but self-righteousness it temporary, while your relationship with your kids if forever. I wouldn't suggest behaving in a way that will follow you for years beyond any perceived advantage of the moment. Your kids will respect your self-control when they're old enough to appreciate it, and in the meantime you'll uphold your respect for yourself by not turning 'truth' into a weapon. It's a boomerang--just as is your exes behavior. She'll suffer her own set of consequences, and you'll reap exactly what you sew. Sew carefully.

 

Thanks for hearing me out, and my best,

Cat

[mrmaximum]

You seem to consider answering a question children have about the nature of the relationship as some sort of dig to be made at the other parent. What you need to understand is that it simply isn't if not done in a manner simply to jockey position. When you tell as a vent, or if your angry then I agree with you. What you seem to get hung up on is that by waiting, by not divulging until THEY APPROACH YOU, you are none of the things which you have described. You aren't undermining your position with your kids by telling them the truth and you aren't turning your life into a Jerry Springer episode by answering a question after you have kept it mum for as long as you could.

 

I do not feel this way toward my mother after she told me of my father's second offence, (the whole block had seen the results of the first one), and my step kids do not feel this way toward my wife and their father was a serial cheater. I decided to edit my post after getting some information from my wife. As it turns out, she has had to do this twice. Her first husband used her as a pucnhing bag and in her second LTR, she was involved with a serial cheater.

 

My stepdaugther was at first told to simply "Trust your mother" about why her dad and her where no longer together. At 10 years old, she decided to press, she wanted to find out WHY! My wife told her simply that her father could be abusive, that there where times that he used to hit her and that she was the reason why she left. My wife didn't want her daughter to think that what went on during those years was normal.

 

Did my stepdaughter hate or have any issues my wife? Nope, did she hold anything agaisnt her? Nope, in fact, when her dad began to call, my step daughter did speak to him, but she refused to sleep over at his house, saying that she didn't appreciate what he had done to her mother in the past and had wondered what sort of treatment she would be subject too.

 

She handled herself admirably that day, she didn't get emotional or upset. In fact, she didn't even raise her voice at 10 years old. She calmly told him how she felt about the situation and how she didn't approve of what he had done. As an aside, my wife has always been the type NOT to throw mud as she realized that someone had to be the bigger person. She recognized that by trying to hold her daughter back and say certian things, what you had earlier posted could very well come to pass. She decided that in time, her ex husband would prove himself to their daughter (which he did) and she wouldn't have to do anything save keep her from obviously dangerous situations that could possibly arise, which unfortunately they did. During the separation process, she made it possible for my step daugther to see her dad at EVERY possibility. It was him who was hitting below the belt, and eventually slit his own wrists in terms of his legal rights.

 

As for my wife's second long term bf, she had told her kids the same thing; "Trust mommy, if I would have left your father (my stepdaughter doesn't really know her bio dad as she was soo young and calls this second man Daddy). Like before, she pressed and wanted to figure out why this man was expelled from their lives. My wife told her in an age appropriate manner. Like I have said before, after all the cases which I have read about telling after the fact, I have come accross ONLY ONE where it affected the 'snitch' negatively.....ONE.

 

The world will not come crashing down if you answer a question, you will not drive your kids to hate you, in fact, like I had said in my previous post, you have proven to be honest which is why in some cases you are approached in the first place. In the case in which I discuss is this; you avoid the topic as much as you can, this is how you build up the candor with your kids as you have described. IF they approach you and make it known that they really need to know how things happened, and why things happened, then you are most likely not doing any damage by telling. Some of these people require some sort of closure for the whole thing, and finding out why can help.

 

I've never been a child of divorce but my parents where separated for a while and even that I can say was really saddening. Even though they never divorced I wouldn't wish that on any child. I could indeed see how some children would like to know about the nature of their world's upheaval after they get older and WS are reknown for not telling the truth, that would be taking responsibility for something which makes them look horrible. WS's are very good at blame shifting so one wouldn't expect many to fess up to demo-ing the world they children grew up in.

 

There isn't any real harm in telling the truth if requested. You keep it mum for as long as you can, which can be hard if you are made out to be the bad guy. Although it hasn't happened to me, my had to go through this when she left the serial cheater. He was the good guy, "Disney Dad" with quite a few empty promises and outright lies and my wife was immidiately vilified for making him leave. That can get maddening at times so I can somewhat attest to keeping mum being a very difficult task.

 

Telling the truth can be a good thing if done in the right context, there is no black or white about this topic, merely a shade of grey which must be examined on a case by case basis. I have said it in my previous post but this bears repeating; some people need closure if you deny them the truth when they are pressing for it, you are denying them this. While I didn't need this level of understanding even though I was told by my mother, my step daughter did both times, get the picture? You are protecting no one by not telling a grown or prepared child about something which has affected their lives as well, especially if they ask.

 

You've got a good heard on your shoulders, keep up the good work CF.