hers Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ok, if you're only going to offer judgment and nothing else, don't bother responding b/c I don't need to hear it. I'm over casual sex. I think. I don't know. I think at this point in my life, having been single over a year, my dog being sick, moving out of state, sister having a baby, etc, I need to be more fulfilled than just for a night. I'm not opposed to casual sex, but I want the emotional fulfillment more than anything, mostly b/c I think it's been so long since I've had that and I'm afraid I'm forgetting what it's like. A few weeks ago, I visited my hometown and met a guy through a friend and ended up sleeping with him a few times over that weekend. We've kept in touch through text since then, but all the conversations have been sex-related. He's also graduated to wanting phone sex, which I don't do. Every time I get a text from him, I'm like "ugh". Like can't we just have sex and not talk to each other in between? I'm going home this weekend too and told him that and we'll have sex (I started to type probably, but there's no "probably" about it b/c I know I'll go over there). I don't know really how to have conversation with him that's not sex related, so I'll leave after. But I miss the having sex with someone, lying in bed, talking and laughing about things while you're still naked and glistening with sex sweat. It's a great feeling. I think I could always have casual sex, but not when I've been single this long. A big part of me thinks I did it, and will continue to do it, with this guy b/c I'm vulnerable and lonely right now and just want to feel wanted. Well he does want me. Or rather, my vagina. That's fine, I don't expect anymore out of him. I don't want more out of him either. But it's all jsut not fulfilling right now. Maybe it will be again one day, if I ever find myself single and up for it (that's to say if I get in a relationship again and it doesn't work out). But being single over a year and having a random hookup? It's just not doing much for me. Just looking for thoughts, really. The Cobweb Brigade is unwanted. Link to comment
EQD Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 atta girl! thats how it happened for me when i finally sputtered out of the 'casual sex' era.. some things come to pass, some come and go. i think whatever you decide it will be 100% right for you. its a feeling that you cant force. Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Casual sex is like scratching an inch for a few seconds when I really have a full blown case of poison ivy. Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ha I like that analogy. I definitely have a full-blown case of wanting a relationship and love and to feel pretty and to be desired and to be looked at with eyes that care for me and want all of me instead of just one piece of me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'm a little confused - is your point that you know that it's not healthy for you but you're going to do it anyway this weekend? Link to comment
dragon lady Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Casual sex serves its purpose at certain times. It's not for someone who is hungry for a real relationship, even if they are not looking for one with that particular hook-up. For me it worked well after coming out of my two major long-term relationships. I had a high sex drive and I wasn't ready to get into another right off the bat. Having been single for over a year now, I don't think I would find it as enjoyable because I feel like I want to start dating again soon. If you're not getting anything out of it, then you don't have to meet up with this dude again. I know that it feels like it's better than nothing, but I think nothing might be better in this case. Look after yourself. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 ^Great post. I think this is exactly right. Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's very wrong. lol Link to comment
Catdancer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well I am definitely not a member of the Cobweb Brigade as I just had sex 4 hours ago!! lol Now that we've established that.....my thoughts... Hers....you have been alone for a long time. I was too. Years ago I went without sex for almost a year. Then I had a FWB. It was very hard not to develop feelings as I felt that I had been neglected for so long. He would do the things like cuddling and all those after sex things, but then I wouldn't hear from him or see him for a week or so. Then we'd just meet up again. Man...I'm smiling with some great memories of him. He introduced me to finger painting. We started out fingerpainting on paper, then we moved onto fingerpainting my living room wall, then we stripped and fingerpainted each other, then we had sex against the wet paint on the fingerpainted wall. Man...he was fun! lol Oh, back to you...sorry I got wayyy distracted...anyhow, there was still a spot missing, even though he was great looking, a good lover and alot of fun...I missed that "connection". the feeling that you belong with someone. And just the feeling of being in love. Casual sex is great if you can compartmentalize your feelings and keep it just sex. I have a hard time doing that. Why dont you see him as relaitonship material? Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Yea, batya, as illogical as it sounds, that's what I'm saying. Good sex is good sex during, but after I'll leave feeling a little empty, which I don't want. But I will leave feeling physically satisfied, which I want. My physical needs aren't matching up with my emotional needs, but for some weird reason, I'm letting my physical needs take priority. Sort of b/c I feel like "I don't know when I'll get it again, gotta stock up!" B/c it was 10 months since I'd had sex up till this guy a couple weeks ago. I want to "stock up" (no need to point out how stupid this is, b/c I know) in case I have to go another 10 months. The thing is, logically, I know this makes no sense at all and if I were reading this thread as an outsider, I'd roll my eyes, call this person an idiot, and then respond with the same sentiments just in a passive aggressive, ena-approved way. And DL, I also think nothing would make more sense in order to take care of myself, but I sometimes think minute-to-minute and that's as far as I plan in the future. So a good pounding will be wht I want and I'll deal with any emotional reprecusions (sp?) later. Wow, that's incredibly self-abusive. There's a chance I may need counseling. Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 I don't see him as relationship material b/c when I make my mind up about someone, it's hard to change. I've alwaysbeen a "guy" in that respect. Not to generalize but you always hear of guys having sex with girls casually and the girl gets attached and the guy just wants to walk away. For me, I'm that guy. We slept together after knowing each other an hour or two and I somehow made up my mind that he wasn't good for anything else, even though he's a nice guy, cute, successful, funny. It was like I was predisposed to think of him as nothing but a penis and I find it's hard now to even have a conversation with him b/c of it. Link to comment
EQD Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well I am definitely not a member of the Cobweb Brigade as I just had sex 4 hours ago!! lol showoff! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'm a little confused - is your point that you know that it's not healthy for you but you're going to do it anyway this weekend? I am confused too..because at the beginning of the post there is this statement: I'm over casual sex. I think. I don't know. I think at this point in my life, having been single over a year, my dog being sick, moving out of state, sister having a baby, etc, I need to be more fulfilled than just for a night. I'm not opposed to casual sex, but I want the emotional fulfillment more than anything, mostly b/c I think it's been so long since I've had that and I'm afraid I'm forgetting what it's like. and by the end of the post there is this: I'm going home this weekend too and told him that and we'll have sex (I started to type probably, but there's no "probably" about it b/c I know I'll go over there). I don't know really how to have conversation with him that's not sex related, so I'll leave after. But I miss the having sex with someone, lying in bed, talking and laughing about things while you're still naked and glistening with sex sweat. It's a great feeling. and in between there is a sense of resentment that this guy only calls you to talk about sex and he wants phone sex with you. A big part of me thinks I did it, and will continue to do it, with this guy b/c I'm vulnerable and lonely right now and just want to feel wanted. Well he does want me. Or rather, my vagina. That's fine, I don't expect anymore out of him. I don't want more out of him either. This is the part that is really important in all of this and I suspect this is what is driving you to this more than anything else...and that is why you are questioning things in your mind...you know that you are irritated with this guy because he just wants you for sex and just wants to talk to you about sex even out of the bedroom..except you crave the feeling of being wanted and needed even though you do know it is not any kind of deep, meaningful need which is really what you want...the sex that comes with a relationship between two people who have a more meaningful connection. You have a lot of uncertainties and stresses in your life right now which is likely why you are craving this false sense of closeness and can't help yourself from having sex with this guy even though you know that this is not what you really want in life. Link to comment
EQD Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 guys, this seems to just be the outloud evidence that she is starting to see why this wont work for her. but hasnt yet been completely convinced by either side. this seems like more of a transitional compilation of thoughts. i give kudos. Link to comment
Celestialagape54 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ok, if you're only going to offer judgment and nothing else, don't bother responding b/c I don't need to hear it. I'm over casual sex. I think. I don't know. I think at this point in my life, having been single over a year, my dog being sick, moving out of state, sister having a baby, etc, I need to be more fulfilled than just for a night. I'm not opposed to casual sex, but I want the emotional fulfillment more than anything, mostly b/c I think it's been so long since I've had that and I'm afraid I'm forgetting what it's like. A few weeks ago, I visited my hometown and met a guy through a friend and ended up sleeping with him a few times over that weekend. We've kept in touch through text since then, but all the conversations have been sex-related. He's also graduated to wanting phone sex, which I don't do. Every time I get a text from him, I'm like "ugh". Like can't we just have sex and not talk to each other in between? I'm going home this weekend too and told him that and we'll have sex (I started to type probably, but there's no "probably" about it b/c I know I'll go over there). I don't know really how to have conversation with him that's not sex related, so I'll leave after. But I miss the having sex with someone, lying in bed, talking and laughing about things while you're still naked and glistening with sex sweat. It's a great feeling. I think I could always have casual sex, but not when I've been single this long. A big part of me thinks I did it, and will continue to do it, with this guy b/c I'm vulnerable and lonely right now and just want to feel wanted. Well he does want me. Or rather, my vagina. That's fine, I don't expect anymore out of him. I don't want more out of him either. But it's all jsut not fulfilling right now. Maybe it will be again one day, if I ever find myself single and up for it (that's to say if I get in a relationship again and it doesn't work out). But being single over a year and having a random hookup? It's just not doing much for me. Just looking for thoughts, really. The Cobweb Brigade is unwanted.[/quote I haven't really engaged in casual sex but I agree with you all the way... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 guys, this seems to just be the outloud evidence that she is starting to see why this wont work for her. no need to burn someone at the stake just because they havent fell into the black or the white. this is more of a transitional compilation of thoughts. i give kudos. I didn't see anyone burn her at the stake. Simply trying to help put clarity on the situation which she herself knows and is grappling with. Sometimes it helps to have people repeat or add to things that are already going on in your mind. Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'm not annoyed or resentful at this guy for wanting sex with me, though I see how it sounds confusing. I guess I just don't want to talk to him in between? Like, let me just go over there, do our thing, and let me leave. We don't need to keep in touch in between those times. I don't need that. I know what he's using me for and I'm using him for the same thing, that's fine with me. I just don't need contact in between to feel like he's not, if that makes sense. I don't need closeness with him. I didn't necessarily sleep with him b/c I wanted to feel wanted that night. Well, in a sense I did, but I mostly wanted to take my mind off of what's stressing me out and to end that damned dry spell I was in. And I'm glad I was able to b/c it was good sex. And it gave me something to look forward to that weekend besides being obsessed with if Leeluu would eat for me. It was a temporary release. I've never really been one to have sex during times of vulnerability till recently. It wasn't till after that weekend I started thinking that I did it for the wrong reasons and will do it next weekend for a wrong reason again. But I'm not doing anything to stop myself. This post screams "she needs therapy!" But I'm not obsessing over this or even really worrying about it. I'm just looking forward t getting plugged and anything that follows that I'll deal with then. Link to comment
EQD Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I didn't see anyone burn her at the stake. Simply trying to help put clarity on the situation which she herself knows and is grappling with. Sometimes it helps to have people repeat or add to things that are already going on in your mind. wrong choice of words then. but i just called it like i saw it. alot of posters going 'look! look! you contradict yourself HERE here and HERE!' and sometimes repeating those back to someone can make them more defensive or more confused. not saying it doesnt occaisionally help them to clarify.. but it swings both ways. Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Be true to yourself. If you want sex without the affair part just say so. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well, my first thought is to say that being over casual sex is not as good as being UNDER casual sex. In all seriousness, though, I think that these sorts of needs and situations are very situational, and cyclic. You had a temporary need, which has since been satisfied and therefore, you're moving on to the next need that requires satisfying. I don't think there's anything wrong in the awareness of that. And there's certainly nothing wrong with getting needs, temporary or not, met with your head screwed on right, which, of course, seems to be just what you've done. Brava for the maturity. Brava for the self-awareness. And brava for the need satisfying booty! Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Nah I don't really think I'm being burned at the stake here. Not yet anyway haha. I appreciate the other perspective on things, which is why I posted. But EQD is right...I'm not seeing the black and white yet and I'm still harboring on indecision but I'll find my way to one side or the other eventually. Link to comment
dragon lady Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't do the same thing in the same situation. Still, I think that you have some other alternatives here. You will be moving soon. Why not put your energy into trying to meet someone for something more serious? It's good to be in a healthy frame of mind when you're trying to do that. Instead of meeting up with this guy, go out with your friends and enjoy yourself. Don't waste your time with him. It's only going to make you feel like crap come Monday morning. Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 I plan to start trying to date once my stress with Leeluu lowers or disappears. Then there'd be the whole grieving process that wouldn't make me in the right frame of mind for dating. I don't want to wait a long time again before I can have sex. Sounds stupid and impatient, and it is. I'm just tired of feeling a physical void, enough to where it takes priority over the emotional void. I'm not sure why that is. I still plan to see my friends and all of that, as I very much need them right now, but I can squeeze in an hour for physical release. I think awareness of my obvious problem says a lot more than me obliviously going into this type of relationship with this guy and not knowing why. High five to me. Link to comment
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Another thing: it's not that I feel like crap after. I don't feel ashamed, gross, dirty, skanky or anything like that. It just leaves me more aware that I want a relationship more than sex now. If that makes sense? Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hers... I'm confused as to why you think you might get judged for not wanting to have casual sex anymore? Has it really come to that, that people are expected to put out just because they're single? I'm an old married hag, so i'm out of touch here, but that comment confused me..... In any event, it's your body and your choice as to what to do/not do with it. I can't imagine anyone trying to tell you different. You sound very self-aware, and self-reflective. I'm sure you will continue to make choices that are in your best interests... So nothing really to add, except to voice my confusion...So is casual sex really expected now? Yikes- another reason to make my marriage work.... Take care. FE Link to comment
dragon lady Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 You're one of the few truly honest people on here. I love that about you It does make sense. Maybe you could tell him not to contact you much in between meetings because you need to save money for the move & you have vet bills to pay. Sometimes they think that they need to keep the contact up otherwise you will abandon them, which is true for most girls. Just make it clear that he doesn't have to. Link to comment
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