An interesting development and spookily predictable contact from ex

[rapunzel]

So in my last thread I mentioned the guy I was corresponding with on line from a free internet dating site. We met on Thursday night and we really hit it off....even kissed at the end of the night, something I had not done in over a year since my ex broke up with me just after Labor day 2008. I am very attracted to this new guy and I have had enough pain in the last year to know that I should not project or assume or really think anything of it for now, but just try to get to know him a bit, take it sloooowww and see what happens. Of course, nothing is ever perfect - he is going through a divorce with two small children and he thinks I live a bit too far away from him (about a 45 minute drive!...doesn't seem that far to me...but maybe it has to do with his children). He is 45, I am 48...

 

Anyway, he seems to really like me, is extremely communicative and I have actually woken up the last few days thinking about him and NOT my ex. Wow. This is a good thing.

 

The ironic thing is that my ex who has NOT dialed my phone since the end of March '09, called me ON Thursday night, while I was in the shower getting ready to meet the new guy. He left a voicemail, wanted to talk about a couple of "band-related topics" since there has been some interpersonal strife in our group based on some other projects people are pursuing, within the group.

 

Is that NOT predictable and ironic that he would call THAT night, that I am going to meet a man that I'm interested in?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, in life there are just so many strange coincidences. Anyway, you know that your ex is not interested in you (or anybody for that matter...he just likes to waste women's time and mess with their hearts, all the while playing the innocent!)...just focus on this new guy and see where it goes

[CatsMeeoow]

My advice is not dwell on it - let it go... You two still share the music group so not ironic that business comes up... yes the timing is interesting but you will only hold yourself back if you read anything at all into this.

 

Enjoy the new guy!!!! Have fun but I will caution you - men going through divorces are not looking to settle down so soon again. But, that doesn't mean you can't get out and enjoy life and see what you've been missing over the last year.

 

Congrats and hugs!!!

[Batya33]

It's one of those things that you're going to read into as spooky when if you think about it it makes perfect sense that he would call you because of the band situation. And, since you decided to stay in the band, the chances of him contacting you increase a great deal, right? (Not criticizing you for staying in the band, not at all, just noting it).

 

Good luck with the new guy.

[rapunzel]

Yeah, I hear you Batya, but there was no real reason he had to call me about this issue. I don't think it means he "wants" me or anything. He did some stuff that angered another band member and I think he was afraid it also angered me (it did not) and since he has felt such guilt (or he reportedly did) about his behavior with me, he was calling to make sure he didn't ruffle anyone else's feathers. It was just jarring to come out of the shower and get a phone call from him that particular night after no phone call for 7 months.

 

I do know he is single and not seeing anyone seriously but I know he doesn't want me, CAD. I do know he wanted HIS ex when she no longer wanted him.

 

Yeah, the new guy...he's been separated for just over a year. I don't have any expectations, in fact, I don't think he's "the one" or anything even close. I am just happy to have someone else to be attracted to and thinking about, even if it doesn't go anywhere.

 

I did return ex's call and left HIM a voicemail, he called me back last night and left ME a voicemail - noted he was going out of town with a 'buddy' hiking, invited me to call him back but if not, would try me again on Sunday nght. I was busy last night so I did not call him back and frankly, I have no interest in discussing this band topic with him.

 

We have a rehearsal on Monday so I think I'll just let it go.

[CatsMeeoow]

 

We have a rehearsal on Monday so I think I'll just let it go.

 

Excellent plan!

 

And - definitely enjoy your time and attention from someone new in your life! I'm sure it feels darn nice!

 

 

[rapunzel]

Thanks Cats. I have to say, it does feel nice and I think/hope it may be a turning point in getting over this guy.

[rapunzel]

Well, new guy is rather hot on my trail. He texted Friday night at 11:00PM to ask if he could call me to say "good night"...wow. I said sure, and we talked for a while. Can't help comparing him to ex, he is quite different. Very communicative, verbose even...open, direct. A welcome change I think. My ex kept me in the dark about his feelings or thoughts.

 

He wants to see me tonight but my plans are up in the air, I told him so. He called me yesterday from his kid's soccer game to say "hi". Again, I was surprised by this. Trying to just take it as it comes, not get sucked in or start jumping ahead to the future...worrying about the fact that he has kids and a deposition for his divorce this week. Although these are certainly potential red flags. Ya think???

 

I've only had one date and who knows what could happen....but it sure is a great thing to be thinking about him and not what's-his-name...

[Batya33]

It sounds great as a distraction/to help you move on. I generally followed the theory that it's a mistake to date someone before his/her divorce is final for at least a year, for several reasons. He could be hot on your trail because he likes you and is ready to date or this could be a sign of rebound related issues (despite him liking you)

[Lonewing]

I see your red flags - remember, it takes two to tango in these matters, but neither side is fully innocent either...

[rapunzel]

Thanks...I met him again today. While I enjoyed spending some time with him, my gut feeling now is that he is NOT the one for me, notwithstanding his divorce, etc. I think I could be "friends" with him but I don't know what he is thinking...

 

Well, it was a nice distraction while it lasted. ](*,)

 

And then I had a conversation with ex this morning (he called me), but I did not feel that emotional during or after....so maybe I am moving in the right direction, anyway.

[rapunzel]

Nope, I'm regressing. :sad: We have a show tonight and I am going to try, try, try to put my happy face on. After all this time, I still have tears rolling down my face at some point, almost every day. They come and go but they still come. I am not incapacitated but sometimes it happens at work and I have to collect myself.

 

Please don't tell me to go on meds. They are not safe, in my opinion, and I am also getting close to menopause so my hormones are probably running amok.

 

I just want to go tonight and not worry that he can see through me, that he still knows I'm still hurting over it, and I just wish there was none of this discomfort still around. I know he still feels it, he referred to it as "the elephant in the room". Nice, I like being thought of that way. And there is always the worry in the back of my mind that this is the night he shows up with his new, young, beautiful girlfriend that he falls in love with.

 

Strangely enough, the guy I met on line is coming tonight but I really don't think it's going to work out. I've already warned him, in a nice way, that this is NOT a 'date', that I am working and it is a performance AND I will have other people to greet there.

 

How to proceed from here, one year later?

[uhohlala]

I just want to go tonight and not worry that he can see through me, that he still knows I'm still hurting over it, and I just wish there was none of this discomfort still around. I know he still feels it, he referred to it as "the elephant in the room". Nice, I like being thought of that way. And there is always the worry in the back of my mind that this is the night he shows up with his new, young, beautiful girlfriend that he falls in love with.

 

If nothing else I think those of us with more years under our belt know that other people very rarely notice even half of what's going on with us. Everyone is wrapped up in their own concerns, their own perspective. Even if your ex is more aware of you than he is of other people in the vicinity, chances are that unless you're wearing your heart on your sleeve, he'll have no idea of how torn up you feel inside.

 

I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I do sympathize. I know that you value your participation in the band but you might want to consider that you've eliminated two main avenues for recovery: no meds (even though you're depressed and perseverating) and no removing all contact with your ex. It's kind of no wonder that you're stuck.

 

This is the problem with getting involved romantically with people in a social context that you cannot/don't want to let go of when/if the romance fails. That's one of the big reasons that people advise against workplace romances. Yes, it's good to meet people who share common interests, anyway, I'm sure all of this has occurred to you already. I'm wondering if you need to revisit your decision to remain in the band? Even if it would mean that you don't have an outlet for your music for a while (you'll have to find another opportunity and that might take some time), you've been suffering for a year. How much longer can you continue to inflict this on yourself?

 

It's kind of like saying "My car has broken down on the side of the road and I don't want to have it towed to the dealer/mechanic, and I can't fix it myself. There has to be another solution." Well ... perhaps ... but you might be waiting for a very long time for a good samaritan to come along and offer to help fix your car. And who knows what kind of repair job you'd get for free from a stranger. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and pay to have it repaired, even though you don't want to and it would be much better for your bank balance if you didn't have to.

 

Just a thought.

[SnowFox]

If you don't want to take meds - a couple of alternatives are salmon oil (take 3 1,000mg caps in the AM and PM) and 5-HTP (take 50mg an hour before bed with a small carbohydrate like fruit - don't take it with protein). Don't take 5-HTP if you are on anti-depressant, though.

 

You can google search these and read more about them. Also, take a B-complex vitamin every morning. Helps the body and brain cope with stress.

[rapunzel]

If nothing else I think those of us with more years under our belt know that other people very rarely notice even half of what's going on with us. Everyone is wrapped up in their own concerns, their own perspective. Even if your ex is more aware of you than he is of other people in the vicinity, chances are that unless you're wearing your heart on your sleeve, he'll have no idea of how torn up you feel inside.

 

Agree, he is completely self-absorbed. But in July he found out from me that I was not over it. I won't describe that incident again (I'm sure I mentioned it ad nauseum in prior posts) but it was a self-serving move on his part to overcome his guilt and I played right into his hand.

 

I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I do sympathize. I know that you value your participation in the band but you might want to consider that you've eliminated two main avenues for recovery: no meds (even though you're depressed and perseverating) and no removing all contact with your ex. It's kind of no wonder that you're stuck.

 

I tried meds, I took Celexa for about 6 months and it did not help. I know that the meds are good for certain people and years ago I took Zoloft for 9 months and it helped but I did not have to see the person that I was depressed about then. I also have a fundamental moral conflict with medicating away normal human emotions and I worry about the long term effects of these medications on brain chemicals and hormones.

 

This is the problem with getting involved romantically with people in a social context that you cannot/don't want to let go of when/if the romance fails. That's one of the big reasons that people advise against workplace romances. Yes, it's good to meet people who share common interests, anyway, I'm sure all of this has occurred to you already. I'm wondering if you need to revisit your decision to remain in the band? Even if it would mean that you don't have an outlet for your music for a while (you'll have to find another opportunity and that might take some time), you've been suffering for a year. How much longer can you continue to inflict this on yourself?

 

Yes, this did occur to me. But I fell in love with him and when that happens, one rationalizes being with someone they work with. How can people truly avoid dating people they meet through work and social settings and mutual interests? That's where we spend our time so that's how we meet people. I revisit my decision to be in the band ALL the time. I have been suffering for a year but I have also been trying to recognize that this is behavior that somehow I choose. So I have been trying unsuccessfully to rise above it by accepting that his behavior and his desires and his agenda are about HIM and not about ME. In other words, working on not taking the rejection personally which is exceedingly difficult to do, but essential.

 

It's kind of like saying "My car has broken down on the side of the road and I don't want to have it towed to the dealer/mechanic, and I can't fix it myself. There has to be another solution." Well ... perhaps ... but you might be waiting for a very long time for a good samaritan to come along and offer to help fix your car. And who knows what kind of repair job you'd get for free from a stranger. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and pay to have it repaired, even though you don't want to and it would be much better for your bank balance if you didn't have to. Just a thought.

 

Thanks, you definitely have a valid point here.

[rapunzel]

If you don't want to take meds - a couple of alternatives are salmon oil (take 3 1,000mg caps in the AM and PM) and 5-HTP (take 50mg an hour before bed with a small carbohydrate like fruit - don't take it with protein). Don't take 5-HTP if you are on anti-depressant, though.

 

You can google search these and read more about them. Also, take a B-complex vitamin every morning. Helps the body and brain cope with stress.

 

Thank you. I do take fish oil but I will up the dosage. And I take a high dose multivitamin for women every day, extra vitamin C and calcium.

 

I know the problem is my thoughts and my emotional behaviors. I literally sobbed this morning. Last night my ex played during an earlier dinner set in a smaller, newish group he is in with the other female singer in our group. She is really a great singer, very confident, charismatic on stage. She definitely has "it" and I don't begrudge her. They have known each longer than I, as I am the newest addition to the group.

 

He was gazing and beaming at her throughout the set with what appeared to be utter adoration and seeming sexual desire. He could barely keep a smile off his face. She is 32, he is 50. She is a somewhat overweight African-American woman with a toddler from a relationship she had with a (I hate to say it, apologies) loser white trash type of guy. She is no longer with this guy. At our last show, my ex kissed this woman three times. On the cheek, on the top of her head and on her hand. He kisses her on the cheek almost every time he sees her. He used to kiss me on the cheek. I dunno, do guys kiss women on the cheek that they are not interested in??? This behavior just is dumbfounding to me.

 

I can't imagine that either one of them would let anything happen but when people want something, better judgment flies out the window. Maybe I'm being too sensitive and maybe they just have a mutual admiration society. Never in a million years would I guess that he would be interested romantically in her but I have to say, I think he is in LOVE with her. And she could be in love with HIM. It was painful, difficult and almost embarrassing to watch him gaze at her body ONSTAGE while she moved. It's more about her utter confidence than her body which is out of shape. He is very, very bad at being discreet when looking at women. Why this doesn't turn me completely OFF to him is a mystery to me.

[rapunzel]

I can't believe I am going to say this as I dole out advice to people and I know the answer but I can't seem to accept the answer: that I'll never know.

 

But I want to just ask him to tell me if there is something I said or did that turned him off. What was it? How could he sleep with me for 4 months and then throw me away and do this twice? Maybe I could learn from it.

 

I know I have tortured myself for a year now going over every detail every possible flaw or thing I should have said or should not have said and I still don't know why he didn't want me. I'm convinced it's because I didn't play the game, didn't play hard to get, didn't tease him and make him wait months for sex, didn't act like I didn't want him.

 

Pathetic, isn't it.

[Clabs]

Hun

 

I know it sounds sad and harsh, but I know that whenever I read your posts, you will not have not gotten anywhere about getting over the jerk. Still, he, he, he blah.

 

I can't remember when I said I didn't like this guy - something you posted a LONG time ago - and I cannot even remember why!

 

I honestly think you should leave that band and get a new change of scenery. Stop making excuses why you stay when it has such a negative effect on you. You say you are not getting any younger but how much time have you pissed away on someone who does not want you? He has rejected you twice now FFS.

 

In some way, I hope I upset you because darling, you really need to grip this once and for all. If I could come and slap your face, I would!

 

We all want what is best for you and you sound like a super loving lady. But please please see your worth.

 

Can I come and kick your backside?

 

Mark

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I suspect he has sampled the goods (this woman) in bed and is in lust with her rather than love. I knew someone who was a player and used to give that look of adoration to all of his conquests...it was part of "the game"...it keeps the woman hooked so that she will continue to spread her legs for him. Face it..from all you have written about this guy, he is a player..he likes to keep things fresh so he goes through women like underwear. Yep, now he is moving on another band member...the guy sounds rather narcissistic. He reminds me of University Professors who sleep with one student after another and doesn't really care about the trail of heartbreak or learning that sleeping with students leads to trouble. So really really look at how sleazy and narcissistic this guy is. He is just looking for some younger thing to bang. This is not love...when he gets bored of her he will be doing the goo goo-eyed look at some other young thing.

[uhohlala]

Leave the band. You tried to stay but it's really damaging you. No amount of rationalizations can change that fact.

[purplekangaroo]

I must 2nd Clabs message. I felt need to post again recently, and decided to look for your recent activity. I don't know you in any context aside from this one, but even I feel frustrated and sad reading this post.

 

It's been a few days - maybe you're feeling better? I am glad that you're taking good care of yourself physically, and I understand your objection to medicating away this problem. I hope you're exercising, too...for the helpful endorphins.

 

This next part is going to sound terribly harsh, but I think you need yet another jolt of reality. (I hope your silence the last few days is not due to hurt feelings? People are frustrated because they LIKE you. Online, and in person, too, I'm sure.) Anyway, here is the potentially hurtful part:

 

Since you asked, the only reason I can see why any man would reject you is because of this right here. You know what I'm talking about: your apparent inability to accept yourself as fully worthwhile despite this man's behavior. Also (and maybe this is mean?): your apparent inability to readjust and proactively move on.

 

I think we all have some of the thoughts that you have - my most recent post is about just that, I think. And maybe many of us have baggage and feelings that we will NEVER get over. But your situation is becoming unacceptable. (I'm keeping in mind that you're probably only posting when you feel sh*tty, and that we don't hear about the good stuff. The online dating is a positive, but let's hear more! Also, I know that you consider your age to be a factor at play here, and indeed, I should probably shut my 27-year-old mouth, because I have no idea what you're up against.)

 

uhohlala is right: you cannot expect things to get better if you are not doing enough to MAKE IT HAPPEN. I'm not trying to be a total jerk...I know you have tried some things, like online dating and some meditation-type work, which I think he spoiled for you. But the going's tough - RapTough, get going!

 

Leave the band, or REALLY work on your compartmentalization skills and IGNORE the man.

Take antidepressants, or exercise twice a day, self-improve, and date until you have NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT and you can hardly stand it. (This isn't sustainable long-term, but it can get you over a hump.)

Consider therapy work on self esteem, or read books about how you can be the best possible partner (so you can have confidence that you are the best that one can get).

 

Incidentally, if his idea of a great partner is someone who constantly keeps him in the lurch...he's, like, 16 years old in mind. Also, the end of his relationships is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you did amazingly well by staying in the game for 4 months...and twice! But let's stop thinking about him, because he's just out of the game. We've removed his piece from the board.

 

You can do it, Rap. Let's kick the habit. Let's get a good single life going for you, with new horizons. Let's eventually get you in a good relationship with someone who doesn't SUCK.

 

Let us know how you're doing. Sorry for the craziness...I want to see you thriving. You deserve it, and you'll get there.