banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Hello all, and i want to apologize ahead if this seems all over the place. I have been dating my girlfriend for just about 10 months, living with the last 4 or so. I want to state up front that i absolutely love this woman with all my heart and this is probably why i am so unsure on how to handle this situation. So, within the past few days my girlfriend has seen her sex drive increase substantially. She actually just learned how to ejaculate herself and i think that is probably one of the reasons that her sex drive has increased. Anyway, we do alot of 'talk' during sex about picturing someone else in the relationship and so forth, but ALWAYS say that its just talk and would never come true. I couldnt' share her with anyone and neither could she. So all seemed well. Well, yesterday i found out that she secretly posted an add on craigslist searching out another woman. The add stated that she was living with her fiance, and that she has made out with women in the past but looking for more. It stated that she wasn't looking for a relationship. It also said that she wants to be very discreet as to not have her boyfriend find out. Well, i confonted her and told her to leave. She cried and begged and wanted to try to make me understand why she did that. She told me that she never was going to cheat, she just wanted to hear stories...she wanted them to get detailed in the emails or something so that she could visualize?? i'm not sure. To the best of my knowledge she has not cheated on me physically, but i am sure you agree, that this is emotional cheating or the start of it at least. Honestly, i'm just not sure what to do anymore. I'm numb right now and emotionally spent. This is the woman that i thought loved me more than anything so i find it hard to imagine how she could do this to me. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what came over her. She is embarassed and disgraced with what she has done. UGH....i'm just so confused. Please, someone help me to think straight and logically. My heart is saying to forgive her and try to move on, but my head is telling me that its over and unforgivable. I just don't know. Can people recover from this?? Should I even give her that opportunity? Please help !! *edit* here is the add that she placed Female looking for another female - w4w31 yr wf 145lbs (in the process of loosing)attractive female looking for another female around the same age not older to get me off. discret only, send picture only white females and no big girls. i have just made out with girls but want to do so much more. i am not looking for a relationship because i am engaged an do not want him to know. my picture gets yours and explain in detail what you will be doing to me. no butch please. Link to comment
kidster Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I'm no expert in this, but if I was in your position, I would be able to forgive her. It was only an ad on craigslist. I would have a serious talk with her to let her know that fantasies are only meant to be fantasies. Like I said, I'm no expert, it's just what I think. Link to comment
DN Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I take it this is the same woman you posted about here: Link to comment
In the Dark Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Noting to explain on her behalf after what she posted. It's awful you have had this happen to you. She may not have cheated but the intentions are clear in what she wrote. Now it's up to you in whether you can live with that memory in your head if you decide to continue the relationship. It is a stain in your mind and a stain on the relationship. I'm sure what she did will also make you think very differently of her and may possibly treat her with disrespect at times as trust has been tarnished. I wonder what she would have thought if you did the same thing. Link to comment
banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 DN, yes that is the same woman. Am i just blind to keep giving this woman more and more chances to hurt me? I know that sometimes i jump the gun and think the worse so that is why i haven't made any choices yet. I get a txt message from her telling me how much she loves and and to never forget that. Last night in bed i didn't want to even be near her, but she started to hold me and then i ended up crying which i didn't want to do. I hate myself for being in this position and keep asking myself what i did wrong to have this happen. I treated her with respect and showed her so much love and emotion every day of the week. I just thought i did everything right. Link to comment
DN Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 If you are veering towards staying with her then I think you need better explanations about why she is doing these things. Unless she can explain it - how can she overcome it if the same impulse strikes her again? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 DN, yes that is the same woman. Am i just blind to keep giving this woman more and more chances to hurt me? I know that sometimes i jump the gun and think the worse so that is why i haven't made any choices yet. I get a txt message from her telling me how much she loves and and to never forget that. Last night in bed i didn't want to even be near her, but she started to hold me and then i ended up crying which i didn't want to do. I hate myself for being in this position and keep asking myself what i did wrong to have this happen. I treated her with respect and showed her so much love and emotion every day of the week. I just thought i did everything right. You could do everything right for the rest of your life and it may not even be enough for her. Some people just have that natural inclination to cheat. She sounds like one of those people. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what came over her. She is embarassed and disgraced with what she has done Funny how she wasn't too embarassed the first time she got caught to not do something stupid the second time. She's not embarassed that she hurt you, she's embarassed that she got busted. Link to comment
banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 here is what she keeps telling me 'i am very ashamed of what i did and beyond sorry. i will never cheat on you. i know that was emotional cheating sorta, and i honestly i don't know what i was thinking. Its gross. I would never touch anyone. Its never even crossed my mind. I can't make sense of it. It was the biggest mistake i have ever made. I never had any intention of meeting anyone at all. I am embarassed by what i did. Its making me sick' because of my love for this woman, i try to believe everything that she is saying, but like other posters have said...is it the guilt that she is feeling, or the fact that she may lose me that is making her say these things?? are they genuine? I just don't know anymore. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I find it unlikely she'll change her ways. Ok techinically it's not cheating but she was about to had you not caught her add. My guess is that she's gonna go ahead and have her cake and eat it if you let her step on you like that. Plus it's clearly that she has bisexual issues. That's too much to be complicating yourself in... If you chose to stay with her, make rules and put consequences if she breaks them.. Tell her it's over if you find something like that again... Link to comment
DN Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 and i honestly i don't know what i was thinking. Yes, she does know - she just doesn't want to explain it or deal with it. But how can you trust her not to do this again if she doesn't know why? What happens the next time she 'doesn't know what she is thinking'? Unless she can get to the reason she did this (twice) and deal with it then the reason will still be there. Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 here is what she keeps telling me 'i am very ashamed of what i did and beyond sorry. i will never cheat on you. i know that was emotional cheating sorta, and i honestly i don't know what i was thinking. Its gross. I would never touch anyone. Its never even crossed my mind. I can't make sense of it. It was the biggest mistake i have ever made. I never had any intention of meeting anyone at all. I am embarassed by what i did. Its making me sick' because of my love for this woman, i try to believe everything that she is saying, but like other posters have said...is it the guilt that she is feeling, or the fact that she may lose me that is making her say these things?? are they genuine? I just don't know anymore. She is not ashamed of what she did, because it is not the first time it happened. If she was really ashamed and you called her out the first time, she wouldn't have the nerves to do it again. She was just sorry that she got caught. When people are in that situation, they will always try to belittle the situation and make it seem as though it was just an impulse and they were not going to act on it. I think that's complete BS because I'm sure if you didn't catch her, it would have been a lot worst. It makes her sick? Right, It makes her sick because she thinks that she's going to lose you. In my opinion, I think you should cut your losses. You sound like a good guy and you don't deserve this at all. How can you go about trusting her when time and time again, she does something to make you feel otherwise? Think long and hard before you make any decisions. Good luck. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 here is what she keeps telling me 'i am very ashamed of what i did and beyond sorry. i will never cheat on you. i know that was emotional cheating sorta, and i honestly i don't know what i was thinking. Its gross. I would never touch anyone. Its never even crossed my mind. I can't make sense of it. It was the biggest mistake i have ever made. I never had any intention of meeting anyone at all. I am embarassed by what i did. Its making me sick' because of my love for this woman, i try to believe everything that she is saying, but like other posters have said...is it the guilt that she is feeling, or the fact that she may lose me that is making her say these things?? are they genuine? I just don't know anymore. Ok, let's say you forgive her on this one too...and then later on you find something else, then what? Will you be so inclined to forgive again and again and again just because she says she is sickened by what she's done? I'm telling you, everytime you forgive and forget, you are giving her a free pass to do it all over again and she will continue to do it because she can cry and whine and bellyache about how bad she feels for what she's done to you. Link to comment
banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 i know i am grasping here, but is it possible that this is the time that she realizes what she is losing? what she has done? i don't want to be a doormat to her, but i also want to be able to forgive if that is indeed the best thing for the both of us. I try to think of the future and what she could do again, but is that even fair? am i judging on a possible one-time thing? i try to see the good in everything, i try to be understanding. Life is very complicated and peoples emotions and feelings sometime cloud our vision on what is right and wrong. I'm not saying that everything is forgiveable, because its not. But i've made mistakes ( not this bad ) and i've been given a second chance. Doesn't she deserve a second chance too? Or, just maybe i'm too easily manipulated and don't see the things for how they actually are. here is what she just sent to me... 'i don't want to be single and our relationship means everything to me. i cna't explain how abnormal i have been feeling. u are everything to me and i will do anything to save our relationship.' Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I honestly don't think I could forgive this. I don't buy for a minute that she wasn't going to cheat on you. She had every intention of doing so. She went to the trouble of making an ad and emphasizing how discreet you must be. Wow. I don't believe you do that to people you love. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I wouldn't buy it.... What if next time she feels confuse again, will she look for someone else.. If you have to keep thinking if she will cheat or not then the relationship is not worth anything... Link to comment
banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 she is professing how she will do anything to fix this and doesn't want to lose me over this mistake. She is telling me how much she loves me and only wants to be with me is this normal reaction?? Link to comment
DN Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 If I were you I would talk this out with her - and, as I said, tell her that both of you need to understand what impelled her to do this. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 she is professing how she will do anything to fix this and doesn't want to lose me over this mistake. She is telling me how much she loves me and only wants to be with me is this normal reaction??Yes it's a normal reaction with someone that just got busted.... Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 she is professing how she will do anything to fix this and doesn't want to lose me over this mistake. She is telling me how much she loves me and only wants to be with me is this normal reaction?? of course. she's been caught. Had she not been caught, she would be cheating still. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Quick question...... Are you supporting her financially? She might be laying it on extra thick because she can't afford to be without you. Just a thought.... Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Quick question...... Are you supporting her financially? She might be laying it on extra thick because she can't afford to be without you. Just a thought.... Good point. She might say anything to hang onto her meal ticket. I knew of a girl that basically did this exact same thing. Craigslist and all. Link to comment
banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 WOW....yes, i am pretty much supporting her and her 3 year old daughter. I never really thought about it like that. am i just being dooped here? i mean, she tells me that she can't live without me and would die without me....that can't be the reason right?? Link to comment
Timbone Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Sounds like you might be being duped. She's afraid she can't make it without you, at least financially. She did something along these lines twice? Wow, do you want a Strike Three? She was clearly going to do something with another girl had she got the chance. She was lying to you again about the ad only being for a way for her to get off to someone's email descriptions. Isn't that another strike right there? Everyone's been right, she's ashamed because she was busted, nothing more. She's more afraid she'll lose you as a meal ticket. Get rid of her. You'll find better. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 am i just being dooped here?Yes very likely.. i mean, she tells me that she can't live without me and would die without me....that can't be the reason right?? That explains it all. She is a single mother with a 3 year-old. She wants someone to support both her and her daugher. Run....... You're about to get into a big mess there... Link to comment
metrogirl Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 WOW....yes, i am pretty much supporting her and her 3 year old daughter. I never really thought about it like that. am i just being dooped here? i mean, she tells me that she can't live without me and would die without me....that can't be the reason right?? I kinda figured it had to be something along those lines. She's probably going to be as sweet as pie and try to convince you that she was wrong and wants to work on the relationship with you. Ultimately it's your decision of course, but just keep a big open eye for her shenanigans if you choose to stick around. Link to comment
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