Married six months so far... need insight regarding ?abuse?

[ThisAmazingWoman]

Let me say this first:

Aside from the stuff below, my husband is a gentle, loving, sensitive, bright, kind hearted man (or I wouldn't have married him)...

 

What are the signs of abuse, exactly?

 

Verbal: During our engagement, my ex-Marine husband got really mad during an argument and started doing some boot-camp style yelling in my face. That scared the crap out of me (child abuse issues were triggered) and I tried to get out of there. He blocked my exit, causing me to "shimmy" under the garage door to get away. After that incident, and before the wedding, I explained how I "absolutely could not marry him" if this is the way he is going to behave. So he agreed to a weekend workshop two weeks before the wedding; we learned good communication tools, and he opened up like never before. We were married, and I thought he was "healed".

 

You can guess the rest. Once we were married, the tools got put to use less and less (by both of us, admittedly) because they feel unnatural, contrived, artificial. Most arguments about money, workloads, housework, etc. , went poorly but not crazily... until a huge blowout about my (our) 7-year old son came up. The boot-camp style yelling was back, complete with name calling, cussing and disrespect. Of course, this triggered my fight or flight response, first I yelled back in kind...then I tried to get away, and he blocked my exit again.

 

Ever try to trap a wild animal? I went nuts: scratched him and tried to get my 140 pound self through his 210 pound musclular body. I am not proud of trying to squeeze through a small space to get out, and fell injuring myself on the way down through the opening. My son saw all of this and was crying. I was screaming, and it was completely chaotic. More went on, but I was thinking that since he didn't put his hands on me directly, then it's not abusive. But I guess I am reading here that it could be construed that way.

 

That happened 6 weeks ago. Since then, I have openly discussed my options of leaving if he cannot find another way to express himself. I explained that this is not the Marine Corps, and since he retired right after the wedding, he will have to learn new ways of being around me and my son. I hate to threaten to leave, but at that point, I really felt that I should get out before it escalates. I can see how people could slice each other up in just minutes! But he apologized profusely and vowed to try harder. He has been better, but I am not a fool. I am trying now to learn how to NOT REACT the way I have been, because he sure cannot fight all by himself! I have been putting some techniques to work, (and I can see that he has changed his approach) which have helped keep our recent arguments from spiralling out of control.

 

Judgemental: But lately he is getting more and more judgemental of my friends and what they are doing with their lives; to the point where I will not talk to my friends on the phone when he is around. He judges them and their choices, thinking he knows what's best for everyone.

 

Controlling: When my son doesn't do things the way my husband thinks they should be done, he reprimands him (think more boot-camp). He has very strong opinions of how children should behave, and a lot of his discipline techniques have been good for my son. I will not allow him to spank my son, but he wants to. (I do the rare spanking of the child, because frankly, I am scared because I won't be in control of it if he does it.) They do enjoy each other too, at times (to be fair).

 

Power Struggle: I am a strong woman. He moved into my house after the wedding, and I have been running my own business, my house and my child successfully for a long time. His salary tripled when he got out, and now we are building a beautiful new house; this should ease the territorial issues; but I see that I don't easily allow him to have much control (especially of the boy), and for that he thinks I am "chopping his balls off". Most of the time we are both struggling to gain/maintain power... that much I can admit.

 

 

Is this part of the "Hardest First Year" stuff they tell us about, or do I really have something to worry about on my hands? As I type this question, I realize the answer is all up to me... and how I handle it.

 

Still, feedback is always nice.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read all this... writing it down sure helps!

 

~C

[lil_mamarains13]

I have read your post, and to be honest I think your husband is out of control, and should not use his Marine training to intimidate you or your son. There are other ways of handling these situations. All couples argue and have fights and do things they regret, but what makes the best couple is if they can do this and then sit down and talk about it and work it out like two mature adults. I am not blamming you or him, but it seems you two need to try and work together. I don't like the sound of him being the way he is towards your friends. Sounds like my ex (who was very emotionally abusive) who said degratting things about my friends to try and get me to stop hanging out with them. I think maybe you two should try and find ways to argue without it getting out of control especially in front of your son. That will have an effect on his life. Your husband should not trap you or make you feel trapped to where you feel like a trapped animal and will do anything to get out. You will probably never get through him no matter how hard you try. He has marine corps training and if he is starting to use it this early on I am afraid he will use more and more of it later. Of course the choice is ultimately up to you, and I think you should be careful and wise about your decision. We are always here to listen to you, and I hope I have helped some. Be careful and do what is best for you and your son. Keep us updated.

[Scout]

I don't like that his behavior frightens you or your son. The first thing that needs to be established is that he cannot behave in a way that frightens the wits out of you and your son. That is unacceptable. Period. That being said, it is encouraging that in the past he took a workshop to learn how to handle anger and to communicate on a more productive and healthy level. It means he's open to counseling. I think you two could benefit from marriage counseling, because at this point, you are both still dedicated to making this marriage work. Maybe even family counseling - after all, you've all had to make adjustments as a family.

 

I feel this is the needed next step. Good luck, and remember, this forum is here for you, too.

[ThisAmazingWoman]

Scout - Yes, I enrolled the child in therapy (that's what the big fight was about), because he has diagnosed ADHD issues and the spanking was making it worse. Hubby is *ajar* to therapy (not completely open ) but will do it if I totally insist. Next we are to meet with the therapist to plan the next course of action. He is dragging his feet coming up with an acceptable schedule, so I'll have to push this issue.

 

His problem with therapists and such is that he thinks he knows as much as they do. Gets offended when I say that I'd be more open to trusting medication than trusting his spanking approach. His ego hates that I don't turn to him as often as I turn to books, websites, counselors.... basically the PROFESSIONALS and the SUBJECT MATTER EXPERTS when it comes to advice about handling the child's special needs. If it weren't so serious, I'd almost laugh at his ignorance and closed-mindedness. But it's way too serious for laughter, and too much is at stake. Thanks for the feedback!

 

~C

[Scout]

Above all, do what you feel you must for the sake of your child's well-being, and your own. Many people have an aversion to therapy, for whatever reasons. Most people think that therapists are just paid to listen, and that's it. Wrong - a quality therapist will help you pinpoint your desires and goals at the beginning of your therapy journey, and will provide a strong source of listening AND feedback through-out. A good therapist will help you & your family develop the tools you need to lead a healthy, productive life.

 

Your husband does sound extremely controlling, and unacceptably so, but at this point at least, it seems like there may be some hope for him changing. At least the door is "ajar", not "closed". Hang in there, and stick to your guns. Keep us posted.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Other than the arguments getting a little out of hand things really don't seem to be going exceptionally badly from what I hear, but if things don't get straightened put with his reactions in regards to arguments quickly, then you do need to take a close look at leavening. My mum has been that kind of relationship twice. In one the guy (my father) said he would change but never did and things ended up getting violent to the point where mum would drive out in the middle of nowhere and sleep in her truck so she would feel safe. The next time things were worse off in the beginning, but he was willing to work with her. Things have never been perfect, but they have never been real bad.

 

The judgmental thing is natural, and if you ask me the discipline is great. It isn't very often that you see a well disciplined child these days. I guess that's just the way my step dad raised me, and I turned out good… at least I think so.

 

The power struggle in my opinion is the most dangerous thing I have heard about in your marriage. A marriage shouldn't be about power and control. As long as things are a competition things will continue to degrade. A successful marriage is about what you can do for him. For him it needs to be what he can do for you. Any power struggle is both parties trying to get out of the other what they want and desire. Successful marriages are both people doing there best to give the other what they want and desire. The outcome is the same in the short term, but the journey will ether make or break a relationship. A battle destroys, and a gift builds up. You both need to relinquish control and go after things together or you will end up tearing each other apart.

[Scout]

If someone was barking, indeed yelling, in my face like the drill sargeant from "Full Metal Jacket" I would be very frightened. That is scary. For a man to do that to a woman and know that it's scaring her is cowardly, in my book. As for a well-disciplined child, I agree, we could do with more of them. However, I don't know if I think corporal punishment is the sure-fire way to accomplish that, especially a child that has been diagnosed with a medical condition. I've always thought "time-outs" were effective at calming the child, distancing yourself from their tantrums, and letting them see that when they are behaving unacceptably, their presense is not wanted until they shape up and can come out of their room with a better attitude.

[funkygirl758]

In my opinion, maybe Marine training is good for the US but not for husbands. I married one, having similar problems. He still talks about his marine training and days. So look out for your son and yourself. I think moving out of your house and into "your" house would be a mistake. Just go ahead with caution. GOod luck, and watch out.

[Celadon]

I agree with FunkyGirl about the Marine training. I have known other military personnel, and getting out of that culture is tough. The real world is nuthin' like the armed forces. For one thing, my friend was used to being obeyed without feedback or dissent or discussion or anything. That expectation is so out of whack with non-military life. I think your husband understandably has problems, 'cause he's not equipped for the real world, and he feels he's lost his power.

 

This is a tough one, alright, but it might help for you to re-train him as best you can -- giving him appreciation when he's dealing well with you or your son. Recognizing when he's disagreeing without being disagreeable. Whatever you do, though, don't patronize him! Just be genuine, and show him that strength and self-control can go hand in hand and even be effective.

 

Good for you for reacting differently around him. Keep it up!

[sebaot]

Well, I'd say leave him. But it's never that simple. I think you owe it to your son to let him grow up in a safe environment. I think you owe it to yourself to say stop to the abuse and put the cycle to an end.

 

It's a shame I see nobody relating to their own experiences with abuse. It usually has a better effect. I met a girl when I was 23 and developed very strong feelings for her. When I'd spend the night with her and go to bed a little later, she could start screaming in the dark bedroom when I got in there. I boxed quite a few years of my life so it's natural to me to go around and keep my arms busy and just play with people that way. She had absolute terror in her eyes the ONLY time I did that and covered her face. I told her to chill and I was just playing. Anyway, the bedroom terrors were really getting to me because it happened so often ... I knew she'd had a long relationship before that. She told me the details this time. This guy had been real nice and charming. They'd moved in together after 6 months or so, and shortly followed the verbal abuse. It went on for I don't know how long, but then came the physical abuse. She got beat, got thrown around, and got pushed down the stairs. She wanted to leave but he threatened to kill her brothers if she did. He'd like pick up the phone and call them, asking what they were doing/going/etc just to "show her up". Eventually she saw no way out and tried to commit suicide. She slit her wrists, called her mother and said she was sorry, and her mother called 911. A few years later I met her.

 

After hearing her story and having some time, I started noticing a change in me with her. I loved her very much but I couldn't be with her. This hate inside me just grew with time because I saw on her how a wonderful, beautiful person had been broken down by this sick . I was angry at her for letting it "happen to her" (I'm not saying it makes any sense, I'm just saying what I'm feeling) and I was angry at him. I was angry at her environment for letting it happen and I was angry about them meeting. I wanted to beat him to death, wake him up and kill him again. It consumed me and I started getting angry. I'd get into arguments with her about him. It'd be about lots of things, but I was jealous and upset that she'd stayed with him even though that was happening, and I felt he'd gotten "the better of her" and I got what was left and had to deal with depressions and a never-ending, never-working process of making her feel better. I'd get angrier and eventually kick doors to pieces and like I know I broke the TV and fridge. And it honestly had nothing to do with her (and I didn't and would never hurt her) as a PERSON. It had everything to do with what she had been put through, and it was just this anger built up. I eventually couldn't deal with it, you know. I couldn't take looking at her and seeing all that'd been destroyed by him, and I knew I'd fix absolutely nothing by paying him a visit. The whole situation felt unfair and even worse it felt like there's no undoing it, and finally, no getting over it. That's the kinda emotions your son will get to deal with. He'll see you change and he'll grow up with an enormous hate for your husband. There'll be plenty of years to cultivate that hate. He'll have to carry around anger that won't really go anywhere or amount to any good because what your husband did is already done and can't be changed by your son no matter what he does. Point of the story is get the out while you can and if you're not doing it for your own sake then do it for your son.

[Scout]

Wow. Great comparison at the end there, about how her son will start to related to the situation. It was generous of you to share that story, I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to remember all the conflicting things you felt, some of which you may not be very proud of. Yet, you still shared it with us. I can very briefly tell you that in my early twenties I had a boyfriend who turned out to be abusive. I was not mature enough at the time to get out immediately, I was very naive and felt sorry for him because of stories he told me about being abandoned by his parents and raised by abusive grandparents, and so for a while, I was able to forgive him for his behavior. Anyway, by the time I realized I needed to get out, I was absolutely terrified of him - because quite simply, he was bigger and stronger than me, and he seemed crazy. Finally, with the help of my family, I did leave.

[mahlina]

I'm sorry ThisAmazingWoman,

 

I really am. I can relate to you to a certain degree. My ex was an ex-marine. And, what I can tell you is, his behavior for shouting at you the way that he does, is UNACCEPTABLE! I guess I'm leaping back into my depressive moods, especially after reading about your husband, and going through recent drama. It brings back a lot of 'traumatizing' memories!

 

What I can tell you is, this man is 'scary'. I don't know about you, but I get pretty passive when it comes to men hitting me. I don't fight back. So, my best advice to you, is fight back! Don't let him take away your 'dignity.' That's what I did when I was with him. A lot of the times, I don't like to post on all of the negative stuff about relationships, but it's important that we realize that if things escalate to this point, then we should not be, point blank, 'lying to ourselves'! I really hope that you don't subject yourself to this abuse anymore. Even if it's verbal, emotional, or mental! Do not take it casually.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. I guess, after reading your post, it's given me some 'insight' as to why I should be happy that the relationship with my ex ended. And, about the shrinks saying that it's not a 'big deal' with your child, I agree with you! That's utterly wrong for them to say so! If they think it's okay, then I don't even see why they're qualified to with a 'professional' degree, or 'title'!

 

Guess what? My mom's ex boyfriend was like that to me in the past! Guess what it's done to me as a person? It's destroyed a lot of my 'boundaries.' Not only was he controlling like your husband, but he was physically abusive (and other sick things). So, let me tell you something, your husband is out of control! What he needs to do, is sit down and look at the person that he's become! He should mature, and see the person that he is! He needs a reality check! Parenting is not a one or all solution! It's about sitting down with your wife, and maturely 'discussing' about ways to teach your children! Compromise. He's not doing that at all! That in itself, tells me that your in a situation, (in which, you are a smarter woman than that, and deserve better) that's completely 'unhealthy' and way out of line! What kind of 'behavior' is your husband teaching him???? I hope that your son is okay. And, I especially hope that he will not learn to pick up that kind of attitude with his future kids. I certainly hope that he's in good hands, as well as you!

 

I guess what I'm saying is, Look at yourself! You are that STRONG woman. Just commited, loyal, and in love...Love is truly 'blind.' But, what you need to realize is, his actions and behavior, show little respect you for you as a person. He should give you that respect that you need! I really am sad to see that your stuck in a tough situation, being married, and trying to be strong for your son, and yourself! I admire you for you 'courage.' It really hurts me to see this. I can truly empathize, knowing what my mother and I went through! I'm so glad that she finally met a man who respects her and loves her for the 'beautiful' lady that she is. I especially hope that you'll find the same!

 

After going through what I went through with my mom's ex, (I can relate to your son), it's really made me a passive person in my relationships with men! I'm trying to break away from letting men like my ex, stop 'abusing' me! I should speak up for myself more often. I speak out for OTHERS, but seldom speak up to people, like my ex. But, my mom allowed her ex to talk to me that way. In which, I see that you should at least talk to your husband, and not allow your son to go through all of that drama. It really affects a child you know. It does! It's affected me in tremendous ways, now that I'm an adult. Kids pick up on these 'unhealthy' patterns of behavior, and 'internalize' it as something 'normal,' when it's NOT! They pick up on things pretty quick!

 

I hope that things will be okay for the two of you, (you and your son). If your husband can't express himself without going off all vulgar and 'controlling,' then I think that you are still that 'strong woman,' and deserve better. If he's continuing to do this, then 'walk out'! Walk out as soon as you can, before it consumes you as person.

 

I didn't realize it, but I let my ex get away with the 'little things,' and it escalated to the point of 'violence.' I truly did not ask for it. As I sat there and cried, he kept on yelling, pushing, and at times, punching me. I acted out passively, with 'least ressitance.' No resistance. Just quiet. Crying, and being compliant! I shouldn't have done that! I should've yelled back! But I didn't! Why? Because of the violence that I've been through as a kid, made me think that it's 'normal' when in fact it isn't. It's about what I've 'internalized' as a child.

 

So, I'm sorry ThisAmazingWoman, what I am saying is: "Take this situation into your own hands." I know, I hate seeing the statistics for 'divorce,' but I'm really sad to see what you're going through, and especially your son. It's wrong! Unacceptable! And completely 'unhealthy'! Just don't let it escalate to the point where your child will end up like me, (confused, jaded, sad to see how 'sick' and 'violent' people can be. just digusted with life in general).

 

Going through with what I went through with my ex, what I can tell you, is that, I feel like the number 'zero'. I lost myself in the process of him abusing me! I should've stopped it, when he crossed the line once! You husband should really stop. My ex took the very last straw out of me! Now, I've lost everything. My all, my ambition, and my enthusiasm. I'm tired of the abuse, tired of the lies, and tired of the 'method of control.'

 

I used to be a strong woman like you, but am slowly recollecting myself. I let the little things pass (like you did), and things escalated to something ugly. Phsyical abuse, and verbal violence. I've never seen such rage, other than my mom's ex. My ex was truly the 'worst'. He's SICK! Men who abuse women, are truly SICK! I am so distraught. So jaded, and have lost all hopes in ever 'trusting' people again.

 

You can literally, sit in a pool of blood like that, and an abusive man, could care less about your being, and let you lay there in pain! It happned to me. So, don't let him get away with the 'little' things, because it can happen to you! I will never be feel 'secure' again. I will never be the same! I will no longer trust people the way that I did. I will never be able to look at somone in the eye, without questioning their intent! I will never look at life the same again! Not especially after re-visiting my past, through what's happened to me recently. I hope that you do not end up like me. I hope that you won't allow him to continue doing what he does to you! It's truly unhealthy, and straining on your mind and emotions.

 

Try to think about the consequences that will happen to you and your child in the future. Try to break away from that. Realize that you are a strong woman! Please take care of yourself, and your son.

 

Much Love,

Mahlina

 

P.S.- Try not to take this matter lightly. It will be not only an 'issue' for you, but your son, when he grows up! Believe me. It will play a huge role on his outlook in life, ambitions, and self-worth! Now's his time to see what demonstrates 'good' verses 'bad' behavior! Take care!