Sigh.

[MissIreenie]

Recently my boyfriend of two years and I went on vacation to Las Vegas. We had a wonderful time, save for an argument the night before we were to check out and drive home.

 

The night we arrived home, we went to the grocery store to re-stock food from being gone. We were in the car when my boyfriend's iPhone chirped a text message. Boyfriend prompted me to read it to him and answer it.

 

I picked up the phone and tapped around trying to get to the text messages screen. By accident, I tapped one too many times, and opened a text series I didn't intend to. It was a conversation between Boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend whom he dated for 5 years about a year before me. I didn't read any of it, but my eyes landed on a line before I had a chance to exit out. "So we still on for tonight?"

 

I was devastated, but trying to keep my calm because it could have been anything. In the store, Boyfriend kept asking me what's wrong because my face is like an open book. I didn't want to discuss it in a public place, but finally I just couldn't stand it anymore. I took him to an empty aisle, and told him how I came to find the texts. His face was un-readable. Then concerned. He told me that she was coming into town for a couple of weeks and wanted to go have coffee. She'd apparently invited me too. And he was going to bring it up on the way home from Vegas, but because of our argument, he didn't think it was a good idea.

 

He then said he loved me, and asked if I believed him. I tearfully said yes, and he kissed me, and we kept shopping. My chest still hurt though, and I was still reeling from the fact that he hadn't even mentioned it.

 

I didn't get a chance to talk to him about it again until a week later because we had house guests. While we were getting in bed for the night, I asked him if I could talk to him about something. Offhandedly, he said yes. I explained that I was still wondering why he hadn't told me that he was talked to his ex-girlfriend.

 

And he exploded on me. He got really defensive, and started saying hurtful things like "what, so now I have to tell you everything?" "She's just a friend, why do I have to tell you about all of my friends?" "See? This is why I didn't tell you because I knew you'd make a big deal out of it." "You do know she's engaged, right?"

 

I got so angry. How could I possibly know anything about her, when I didn't even know they were in contact? Anything I said, he just made me feel worse for even bringing it up. I told him I tell him everything, and he knows everyone I know. Why would he choose to keep this one thing a secret? I didn't even know they still talked to each other. I had no clue at all, and I'm a bad person for being upset? I'm sure he'd be upset if I was all of a sudden meeting my ex-boyfriend. And it went on and on.

 

We went to sleep angry, and I still don't really have closure for this. This happened last month, and I just yesterday saw more text messages to her saying things like "Sorry, I really wanted to see you. She freaked out, so I couldn't go."

 

I don't think he's cheating on me. But I've never been hurt by him like this. I didn't think he could be that inconsiderate. And it bothers me even now. It makes my chest have that dull throbby pain thing. But I'm scared to bring it up again because I don't want to go through that all over.

 

What the hell happened?

[n83]

Wow.. he got so defensive ... and on top of that, he made it sound like it was your "freaking out" which is why he didn't go, rather than him telling her something like "it's probably not a good idea ..."

[waveseer]

You caught him red-handed, that's what happened.

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way right now, but I still strongly suggest you have another talk with him and let him know what's on your mind. If he knew that he wasn't doing anything wrong, why would he get so defensive about it? I'm sure if the tables were turned, he would react the same way. Ask him directly why he is still contacting his ex-girlfriend. It's one thing, being friends with someone - however, if you're being so secretive about it, then it's clearly a problem. Secondly, if he knew how much it bothers you, he should be there to console you and make sure you're okay rather than blowing up on you. You have every right for an explanation. Good luck!

[loulee]

Did you notice he said she freaked out so I couldnt go..I thought he was planning on taking you???

This behavour(angry defensive) is classic passive aggressive. Now he has you looking guilty and for what??? For the fact he has been in undisclosed contact with his ex (liaing/ deceptive) and the fact that you dared mention your dismay over it.. You should make a stand over this. No he doesnt have to tell you everything..not at all..but this isnt just anything this is contact with a former partner and a plan to meet with her and I bet it was by himself. he has even blamed not meeting the ex on you to the ex. What a shirker of being accountable. Do not feel bad about this nor too intimidated to bring it up again, You can do this nicely without drama. tell him that you find his behavour dishonest and ask HIM if it is going to continue. If he gets angry again ASK HIM what he feels is honesty within a relationship between 2 people and also what he thinks is "okay" not to mention about who he is planning to spend time with.....sometimes asking those people who try to blame others for their own shortcomings what they actually think is positive and trust building about choices like this within a relaltionship etc is a sure way to leave them red faced with not much to say at all. he was not short on words condeming you over it...was he...see how he goes after you ask for his expectations of honesty between you?

[Ms Darcy]

Do not feel bad about this nor too intimidated to bring it up again, You can do this nicely without drama. tell him that you find his behavour dishonest and ask HIM if it is going to continue. If he gets angry again ASK HIM what he feels is honesty within a relationship between 2 people and also what he thinks is "okay" not to mention about who he is planning to spend time with.....sometimes asking those people who try to blame others for their own shortcomings what they actually think is positive and trust building about choices like this within a relaltionship etc is a sure way to leave them red faced with not much to say at all. he was not short on words condeming you over it...was he...see how he goes after you ask for his expectations of honesty between you?

 

I agree with the excellent advice above with one exception. I wouldn't start off the conversation by telling him you find his behavior dishonest only because it might put him on the defensive. Otherwise, Loulee is really spot on - as usual.

 

Honey, I know this is a really hard situation and you fear bringing this up again. But, realize that he is using his anger to control you - to make you fear challenging him so that he can go about his business as usual. You deserve better than that. At the same time, you can craft a constructive conversation with him.

 

If he's serious about this relationship, then he's going to want to discuss his opinions. In my humble opinion, this might take a compromise - such as he can befriend her and other women so long as you are actively involved in the meetings with them. Best to you dear.

[MissIreenie]

Thanks for your replies, guys. Sometimes, it's hard to get real advice from an unbiased party. My friends are all the sort that would cheer me on even if I'm wrong.

 

Since Boyfriend and I work together, we often send each other emails through work and personal email. I was looking for a specific email thread that I'd erased part of that talked about some important things that I wanted to re-forward to him to show him what we dicussed a year ago.

 

I made the mistake, the night I wrote that post, of checking his sent mail from his personal address. I found a letter, dated a year ago, from him to the same ex, professing his undying love and wanting another chance. He even mentions her fiancee, and me, but stated "it doesn't matter, I still have all these feelings for you and I can't ignore it."

 

He recalled some memories from their anniversaries and outings, and signed it "Love Always, and Kisses."

 

That is what pushed me over the edge. I was waiting for him when he came home from his football game party. I confronted him, and as I thought, his first move was to get angry at me for checking his email ... I've checked his email lots of times at his request.

 

I didn't let it go though, even though it killed me to yell and scream at him, I got him to listen. Yes, a year ago (which would have been a year we'd been dating at the time), he wrote that email. The ex responded saying it wasn't fair to me (allegedly), and supposedly they hadn't talked since the text message series.

 

We discussed our main issues with one another. I learned he had major issues with me, and I reamed him for never talking to me about it. Then I told him pretty much all my wonderings from the first post I made here, and explained why those actions hurt me.

 

He accepted it calmly like an adult. Then he promised me he didn't have feelings for his ex anymore, and they're better off as friends. I don't know if I believe that (which I told him), and I'm still extremely hurt and in pain.

 

He said he understood, but pointed out that if we wanted to make this work, that we'd both have to work on it. The first mature thing I've heard him say regarding our relationship in a long time. I agreed, but said I'm not ready to be his girlfriend just yet.

 

I'm currently in the process of deciding what I'm going to do. I'm not as confused ... but making a decision will be hard, because either way, it's going to hurt.

 

Thank you again for all of your advice. It's amazing how helpful just talking to some random nice folks can help you.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm so sorry to hear this additional news. The letter from a year ago, one year into your relationship, is a terribly disappointing sign. Me thinks he doth protest too much. Had you posted that a year ago, you may well have been advised to leave him. He showed no respect for you or your relationship.

 

I think you need to get some distance from this guy. I think your anxieties and concerns are in fact your instincts trying to warn you. Observe his behavior and trust your gut.

[Scorpion Fury]

I would absolutely dump him in a heartbeat. I don't believe he's over her for one second. He had been with you for A YEAR. !!! A YEAR...........wow.....anyway, he had been with you for a year when he wrote that, and now he's trying to sneak around behind your back to see her? I would absolutely be done. His things would be tossed off my balcony.