ChinaSparrow Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I know it sounds extreme, but we are totally in love. I was his student when i was matriculating at yr 12 (3 years ago) and we kept in touch. We have fallen in love but i am so afraid of what my family would do when they find out about us. I don't know how to tell them, or how to handle the situation. I think that in an ideal world love should conquer all and age shouldn't matter any more than race or sex but in society it seems to. What should i do? any advice people? Link to comment
ForAnother Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I believe that if two people fall in love then hey, thats great, regardless of age sex or race. Yet I believe that if you don't want to tell your parents of your love then perhaps you are embarrassed by it. I would suggest trying to tell some of your friends, perhaps some adults that you have as friends. Make sure that his friends know what he is doing. Make sure that you are both comfortable about your love before devoting all you have to someone. ForAnother Link to comment
under_the_pressure Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Well, I know im kinda young but if you all are in love and care for each other, nothing should get in the way of that. No matter if it's age, race, he's been divorced 8 times, if you love each other that should be the only thing that matters! The thing about your family, well like if you are close with your mom more then your dad, or like a brother or sister. Let one of them know first, and then just eventually sit them all down and explain you love each other and you're happy and they should want you to be happy, so in the end everything will work out if it is meant to be. Thanks Ya! Link to comment
RandyB Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I'm not saying any age difference is too great, and I'm sure you have already considered this, but imagine how much more quickly he will age than you. And if you stay together and you should want to have children eventually, don't you want the father living long enough to see your children through high school and into adulthood? (My father died when I was 18, and I sure needed him later in life.) I know you are not thinking of this now, but the reactions you will get from friends and family (his and yours) may put a strain on your own relationship, so if you stay together, you and he had better decide how you are going to respond to some pretty silly and nasty remarks, because you are going to hear a few, I guarantee it. I had trouble with my ex-girlfriend's family. I was 42, she was 24, and that seemed really extreme to them. They never told me so directly, but I learned of their feelings through her. We'd all like to believe love conquers all, but real life is a pretty harsh test of love, even among couples the same age. Look at the divorce rate. Good luck to you, and without meaning to, you just made every guy in his 40s feel so young. RandyB Link to comment
kalobaby Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 I really want to know how do you do it, I mean it's 40 years. I was going out with an older man also but our difference it's only 17 years, which I tought was a lot. What do you guys talk about? Where do you guys go? Look it's great being with someone oldern than you , cause they treat you as a real woman (most cases), and they tell you all the right things, but stopped for a minute try to picture your life in 10 years from now, you will be only 28 years and he will be 68. I am sure that he will want to stick around with you, but how about you? You might say yes I will still love him even when he's 90, but seriously think about it, and make the call. It's better for you to cut things right not before someone gets really hurt here. So think about it. Karen Link to comment
ChinaSparrow Posted April 24, 2004 Author Share Posted April 24, 2004 He and i are not really archetypical of our ages. We have lots of interests in common such as theatre, film, music etc. The whole relationship was based on an intellectual connection, and i think that it's because of that that i would alwyas love him, regardless of age. We enjoy talking about literature, music genres that my other peers consider boring or dated, and we both just seem to have a similar outlook on life. We go out to beautiful dinners, we see films together, and sometimes just for walks. Believe me i worry sometimes that i will eventually bore him- he's got a degree (amongst others) in linguistics! i feel so uneduacated and dull! I suppose i'll have to get over that- anyway, there are many factors to consider, and my main worry is that society will crucify him when they see us as a couple. They will see him as a predator, and that's not the case at all. Would you think that if you saw a couple like us together? I love him so much though, and we really make each toher happy. Link to comment
RandyB Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 China Sparrow, I think you must already be having at least some doubts that you haven't admitted to yourself yet, or why would you even post this in the forum? All of us wish you the best, believe that, but consider this: is what you're talking about really love? Not that love isn't everything we like to think it is, but romantic love isn't the only valuable kind of relationship there is either. I have been a teacher for a dozen years, and there have been a few female students your age who shared some of my interests, too - maybe even a kind of intellectual kinship - but for everyone's sake, my own included, I didn't try to make it more than it was. I don't want to be a spoil sport, but for your sake, and his, you should consider how and when you can get out of this without either one of you being hurt too badly. Kalobaby is right, the sooner the better, because chances are one of you will get hurt, and all this while you and he may be missing opportunities to develop relationships with a much greater chance of success with someone else closer to your age. Forgive me for speaking about myself here, but it may help you see other possibilities and options in your situation. I am infatuated now with a 25-year old woman that I've gotten to know pretty well through business, but I haven't spoken of these feelings to her yet, because I just turned 45 and I am forced to consider what's best for her AND me. Believe me, a 20-year age difference is pushing the outside of the envelope when it comes to romantic attachments. I'm also waiting to see if this is nothing more than what I just said it was, an infatuation. I will be thrilled even if we never become more than good friends, because she has the kinds of qualities I value in friends, and I don't want to risk losing that by asking more from us than what we really need, emotionally speaking. Frankly, I think we insult friendship whenever we use the phrase "just friends." True friends are never "just" anything, and I suppose you two could become friends of a sort, perhaps, and benefit more from that than anything else. If you two were meant to be (and I don't believe anything is really "meant" to be or not), but if you DO believe that, it won't hurt to give yourselves a chance to date within your respective age groups for a year or two and then see. RandyB Link to comment
Ingrid Posted May 30, 2004 Share Posted May 30, 2004 When there is a major age difference in a couple, there is a presumption of abuse : Most people presume (or assume) that it is not a sincere relationship, that there is something fishy. Usually, when the woman is much younger that the man, people assume that : 1. the woman is poorer, is selling her youth for material comfort; 2. the man is rich and takes advantage of a poorer young woman, OR is stupid enough to believe she loves him for himself and not for his money 3. When the man is younger, one would assume that the older woman is using sex to trap him. All these are nothing but assumptions. There might be a real true connection regardless of age. You must ensure though that : He is not married, committed to another woman, and using you for sex only. He is not buying your affection. If there is pure love between you, you need not care about society, nor your parents. Take care! Link to comment
BobBurton Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 You know what I've come to realize is that tomorrow is of no importance and yesterday is gone. Meaning that if you guys are in love then it's all that matters RIGHT NOW! I mean , I'm 33 and my girlfriend is 19 and we're having a blast! Why would we pressure ourselves with the future, wedding, kids, bla-bla-bla!! Some couples have the same age and still they break-up after 1 or 2 or 10 years! Have they seen it coming? NO. That's right, NO! When it's over then it's over! Regardless of age, sex, race. I say take your time. Talk to your friends about it. Your parents IF YOU WANT. Stay connected with them. I think the key is not to insolate yourself in any relationship. Today is all that matters anyway. There ya go! ;-) Link to comment
JonnyG Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 I don't think age should matter when there is love around. My ex is 31, shes nearly 9 years older than me, and i thought that was a big gap, but it didn't bother me. But a 40 year age gap is extreme . Like every1 has posted, think about the future, how things will change, and would u still be happy. Don't rush into anything. Give it a good couple of years and see how u feel then. Gl in whatever u decide to do. Link to comment
piscesprincess Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Check out my other posts-- I talk about this guy "S"...he was the best lover I have had so far (I am 23 now). No ofense to my current b/f of 3 years. I met this "older man" while I was w/"J"--talk about bad timing. he was rich, married 3 times & had two daughters (from 2 ex-wives). I guess he never found his soul mate. I guess I used him (subconsciously) for experince & he found me irresitable (not that i think I'm hot). I worked for him & I was an efficient worker (he like that) so he assumed I would make a detailed lover, as well. We got along so great: he was understanding & nurturing & he was well-established in business. he alwasy said the right thing. We talked on the phone more than we were physical: our personalities truly clicked. The onlty problem was the inevitable "generation gap." Sometimes we clashed in the way we handled issues. other than that he was generous & patient. It was not easy to be in public, although some of his family knew about us. We also went out to dinner a few times. In the end, I chose my man (only 5 years older than me). When we fight, I wish I could go back to "S". But, I was the one who brok up & "J" loves me- we can experience new things together as a couple. With "S" it was more like- been there, done that. Link to comment
snowngel Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 I tend to believe from experience that age difference does matter but I guess too that it depends on how young you are when it all begins. I don't have much problem with someone who is already mature and knows what they want with getting together with someone who is much older than them. I do, however think that issues will arise when only one person is old enough to know what they really want out of life. I began dating my husband when I was only 14 and he was 21. For years, I believed that I had everything I could ever want...until hitting about 28 and realizing that I was living the life that he wanted and had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life. I think that control is a big issue for men who find much younger women desirable. Since leaving him and being able to look at him objectively, I realize that he surrounds himself with people who are younger than he is who he can manipulate. He is currently 38 and dating someone who is 19. I may sound like the jealous (soon to be) x-wife but I think that he is perverted for even being interested in someone that young. I think about our children and how their father is going to be regarded by our friends and family. He has a son from a previous relationship who is older than this girl that he is dating. What could they have in common? I am dating someone 2 years older than me and have so much in common with that person and we enjoy each other so much. Maybe someone could help me understand this and give me advice on what to tell my children (15, 13 & 4) when this becomes an issue with them. Link to comment
sasha505 Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 I say you should go for it. Live in the moment, make each other happy, try not to be concerned with other people's opinons, and take the challenges that life throws at you as they come. Love is love. Age is a number. You're both adults and if this is what you want, go for it, just don't expect everyone to understand your reasons for being together. Link to comment
xcherryx Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 !~!hey it doesnt matter what other people think as long as your happy!~! Link to comment
xcherryx Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 !~!hey it doesnt matter what other people think as long as your happy!~! live in the molment not in life Link to comment
Scout Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 I'm sorry - I totally disagree. Age is not just a number. It's a symbol for where you are in life, what you've experienced, and how far you've developed as a person. Mentally AND physically. I can understand a ten year gap, and maybe a 15 year gap...I suppose in some instances a 20 year gap...but a 58 year old taking a barely legal 18 yr. old as a lover? That's repugnant. Link to comment
Caldus Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Yeah I agree with Scout. I was wondering why so many people on this thread were thinking that age is just a number in all instances. I wouldn't say that age determines exactly how mature or developed they are because there a lot of mature 20 year olds and a lot of immature 30 year olds, you know? I agree that age is a good indication of where someone generally is in life though. I'm not so sure about whether this would truly be a meaningful relationship given the age gap. But it's the original poster's choice. Link to comment
xcherryx Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 hey that's kinda what happened with, my cousin and his wife to be, he's like 20 and she's 54 almost 55. they met & started to date, she was like the mom that he never had and then, she helped him get through collage and life and then after about 3 or 4 years they are getting married!!!!! i think that its kinda grose, but im not the one that has to deal with it, they are!!!!! xcherryx Link to comment
ChinaSparrow Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Hello everyone. Thanks for your thoughts. We are still together and it's been nearly five months, and... my parents still don't know. It's getting really hard to keep it a secret! Are there any parents out there with an opinion? i don't know how to go about telling them. Also his sons don't know and i think they'll be pretty cheesed too. what a mess eh? the things we do for love! Link to comment
sym666 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I'm sorry - I totally disagree. Age is not just a number. It's a symbol for where you are in life, what you've experienced, and how far you've developed as a person. Mentally AND physically. I can understand a ten year gap, and maybe a 15 year gap...I suppose in some instances a 20 year gap...but a 58 year old taking a barely legal 18 yr. old as a lover? That's repugnant. Apart from the repugnancy, I agree with him completely. ChinaSparrow, I really can't understand how it is possible for a 55 years old teacher to love such a young girl. You said you both have common interests..well look: it's very likely that he knows each thing you named 1000 times better than you. Did you spoke deeply about cinema, literature and music? Really? Besides, every couple go to see movies, have dinners and walks. You may be a smart girl, more clever than the average, but I feel the impulse to warn you anyway. I mean no offence for your partner, he could have the best intentions with you. to him Link to comment
Scout Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Legally, he's not a pedophile, but morally - I think he is! Link to comment
jennykitty Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 I am sorry, i think people that say it isnt possible for yall to have the same interests is horse crap, I have a partner and he and I have about the same age gap as you china. We have a wonderful relationship ( over 2 years). We talk about life, I'm going in to special education, he teaches, but i mean we just connect.. he loves golfing and fishing, i don't.. but i will watch golfing with him because i love him and he watches my decor shows because he loves me. I honestly believe two people that share to many same interests will get bored, What fun is it to already know what the other person will do or likes because you know them so well. Youcan't have that, it won't work. Anyhow, My parents don't know. his kids don't know, but we aren't telling them till we are ready.. we have talked about it, and i believe that is what yall need to do. Decide if you think this going to work out and then tell them. I believe, that if my family loves me that they will accept who i love even if they don't agree with it. if they think it is a mistake, they will need to let me make it and support me. I think that is the Additude to have. You do what is best for you and what you feel. Do look the the future but don't plan on it. Some of the people don't understand the love and see the age thing. Be ready to be seen as a gold digger or him being a "dirty old man".. it comes with the relationship. But mostly be happy with yourself and think clearly.. you will make the right decision and not everyone will agree. Link to comment
Scout Posted July 26, 2004 Share Posted July 26, 2004 Any man almost at the age of sixty who is taking a barely legal teenager of eighteen for a lover is a dirty old man. Link to comment
jennykitty Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 That is your ingorance, scout.. dont try to push it on others. You don't know him and you assumed they are sleeping together. Who gave you a right to judge him, are you that righteous that God has it on you to say what or who a person is and is not. You have no right to say that about that man and i believe that shows poor moral character. There is nothing more hurtful when people say my parnter is a dirty old man... nothing could be farer from the truth. He is a good man, who raised honest and good Childern. He has only acted like a true gentleman to me, not some perverted manic only thinking of his sexual desires and sexual wants. He is a caring and warm man,whom i love deeply. I am sure China feels the same way about her partner. Just keep in mind scout that you don't have a right to judge about one's moral character till your is perfect. Link to comment
Scout Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I have the right to give my opinion because the poster asked for people's opinions. That's what this forum is all about. Deal with it. Link to comment
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