I'm 23, she's 45

[sjb6050]

Hey all, my name is Derek...

 

 

So for some reason I thought this would be different, but by looking at this forum apparently it is pretty normal. I've met this woman at work and have only known her about 4 months and we really began to hit it off. We had always been flirty and stuff at work but I never really thought that she dug me or even looked at it that way. Partially because of her age I think and partially because she has three kids and is divorced.

 

Anyway when another coworker said to me one day that he thought she was kind of into me I asked her out and we hit it off instantly....I'll just say we did more than just go to dinner and a movie.

 

So I don't know if society wants me to feel weird for semi (at this point) dating someone twice my age, but she is a great girl, very funny, thinks I'm funny and she is very attractive. I guess I don't really have a problem to spew on here about, just want to say that I think in the right situation dating a much older woman is AWESOME. I don't really think about the future or anything beyond what we are doing right now, I just really enjoy it and am rolling with the punches.

 

Thoughts?

[metrogirl]

I think if she makes you happy and you make her happy then who cares what anything thinks.

[lady00]

Hmm..while I advise against workplace romances, sounds like you're not worried about that aspect of things...

[sjb6050]

Hmm..while I advise against workplace romances, sounds like you're not worried about that aspect of things...

 

You bring up a good point, and you are correct, I'm not really worried about it. Mostly because I consider the job temporary (although it is a good one, especially with how things are these days) because I am finishing school very soon and am focusing on getting out of the area and pursuing my dreams elsewhere. That said, I know not to bring things into the workplace and she's already schooled me pretty well on it...she is mature enough to separate the two aspects of it completely and I respect and understand where she is coming from. Its because of this that I treat her only as a coworker at work.

[tiredofvampires]

Hey, I'm with metrogirl! As long as both of you are rolling with the punches and have equal expectations (or lack thereof), and are clear about that, who cares.

 

just want to say that I think in the right situation dating a much older woman is AWESOME.

 

Out of sheer and total curiosity, what is "awesome" about that? For you, as a younger guy? If you care to elaborate, up to you.

[zzprometheuszz]

Like everyone said, the only thing you should pay attention to is how to deal with working together while dating. besides the usual drama there's the usual gossip. I would keep it on the D-low if i were you just to avoid the unnecessary drama. otherwise you are good

[lady00]

You bring up a good point, and you are correct, I'm not really worried about it. Mostly because I consider the job temporary (although it is a good one, especially with how things are these days) because I am finishing school very soon and am focusing on getting out of the area and pursuing my dreams elsewhere. That said, I know not to bring things into the workplace and she's already schooled me pretty well on it...she is mature enough to separate the two aspects of it completely and I respect and understand where she is coming from. Its because of this that I treat her only as a coworker at work.

 

That's certainly part of it. What worries me about workplace dating though isn't so much what happens while both people are together, but after they breakup. And I'm not referring to people acting weirdly or unprofessionally (though some might!)...just the difficulty of dealing with the feelings and being sad at having to be around the other person.

 

Anyway, it sounds like that is not an issue for you because you plan on moving anyway and sounds like things are going to remain casual due to that (and perhaps other factors).

[pinkrobot]

My aunt (she's 48...ish?) just ended a several-year relationship with a 25-year-old guy. I think they ended it because he moved for his job, and they weren't going to do LD--not because they had problems.

 

It can totally work. I can't imagine dating a guy 20 years younger than me, but then again...that would leave me dating a child. Lol. So if it's working for you, nothing wrong with it!

[sjb6050]

Hey, I'm with metrogirl! As long as both of you are rolling with the punches and have equal expectations (or lack thereof), and are clear about that, who cares.

 

 

 

Out of sheer and total curiosity, what is "awesome" about that? For you, as a younger guy? If you care to elaborate, up to you.

 

I guess that is what I was implying, but what I really mean is that its awesome either way. Not like "hey guys I'm banging the milf", more like "I'm happy to be having a good time with her, regardless of age or anything else."

 

In other words, it wasn't a braggy guy thing because I truly hate that kind of behavior myself.

[sjb6050]

So, to update this story a little bit, we are still together and everything. She just does something sometimes that leaves me confused. She will sometimes say something like "just so you know I don't date" as in go out with someone (although i dont really know how else you would describe what were doing). I think she says it because she has obviously been hurt in the past and she is afraid of it happening again because I am pretty sure she likes me alot.

 

My issue is though that when she says it I get a little frustrated...sometimes almost pissed off, sometimes dissappointed to the point where I want to get mad at her because of the things I do for her and how I treat her (although she does show me that she appreciates it in other ways). Then I step back and think about how that sounds and feel like a jerk. I think the most mature way to handle it is to realize that she's had bad things happen to her before and that is probably what this stems from. I need to not be insecure about her saying this because we hang out all the time and she talks to another girl I work with about me and tells her how much she likes me.

 

What do you guys think? is it something I should get upset over or should I handle it maturely and remember that chances are she just doesn't want to get hurt?

 

thanks

[sun]

You are much younger than her and insecurites in women increase with the age.

Maybe you don't think about the future, but maybe she does and she is scared that sooner or later she won't be able to compete with younger women.

And... it is complicated...

[Clarity]

What do you want from her? A long-term relationship?! If so, then I guess this would be troublesome, but I was under the impression that this was a fling, for both of you.

[Intelek]

Although there are always exceptions to everything in life, these type of relationships only work if its for fun or short term.

[JakJak]

Glad you found a nice lady. I had a similar thing when I was your age. Now I'm on the older side of the same thing, so I may have a useful perspective.

 

If she is saying "Just so you know I don't date" more than once or twice, it is because there is something important to her going on and for whatever reason that is the language that works for her. But it could be damn near anything. Maybe it is the obvious, she is concerned that you may not really believe that she is only into you. But it could be other things, too. One possibility (only a possibility) is that she wonders if you are dating others. Her "Just so you know..." may be a subconscious or conscious way to give you an opening to respond, "Well, you should know I'm not...."

 

But those two examples are wildly different, and there are many, many other things that could be going on. The only thing I know is that she is likely not using the same language on accident in several distinct conversations.

 

If you are not dating anyone else, I suggest you make it clear to her. Tenderly.

 

Good luck.

[fortyniners]

i think shes making it clear that she doesnt want to be seen with you in public only fwb

[sharples2]

Are you looking for a serious relationship with this woman? I know that I couldn't do it. In 15 years you would be 38 and she would be almost 60. I couldn't imagine doing the deed with a 60 year old woman if I was in my prime in my 30's.

[Car Chick]

What scociety thinks doens't matter. If you like her, go for it. In the end, you are the one you have to make happy, not scociety. I spend a lot of my time advocating for age gap relationships because I think it would be nice if scociety wouldn't always be on people's backs about age gaps and I think that some people just need to understand it better and then they'd be find with it. But ultimatley, scociety cannot tell you who to love.

[Car Chick]

Hey, I'm with metrogirl! As long as both of you are rolling with the punches and have equal expectations (or lack thereof), and are clear about that, who cares.

 

 

 

Out of sheer and total curiosity, what is "awesome" about that? For you, as a younger guy? If you care to elaborate, up to you.

 

You should really try dating someone older. It would help you see what's so awesome about it. Older people are more mature, more stable, more attractive (in my opinion), they know what they want out of life and thier relationship so there's none of the liking you one day, not the next, and again the next that you get with younger people, and they respect you more. Also, with more dating expierence, they are ussually better at realtionships too since they have hopefully learned the do's and dont's of dating through their expierence.

[Johnathan]

Awww, comon man!!! When I was 23 I met a 37 year old who was HOT as hell. She flirted with me for a bit but when it came down to it, she told me I was too young for her. And we never did anything. I was really bummed out.

The same exact thing happened a year later when I was 24 and I met an amazingly gorgeous 31 year old. She also ended up telling me I was too young for her.

And now I come on this forum and read about stuff like this all the time. What the hell man.

 

GOD***f&*&^**** that pisses me off.

[sjb6050]

So I am just posting this in this thread because this is when our relationship began. It has been nearly 2.5 years later and I think we may be on the verge of ending it. I have loved this woman for the last few years and I know she feels the same about me but it has just gotten to be bad. She will not make adjustments to her schedule anymore for her and I to do ANYTHING alone. The hierarchy goes HER KIDS(understandably) > Her Job> then maybe me which now just consists of talking on the phone about her job with zero romance ever and even when we get time together it isn't even remotely how it once was. This is a stale nearly gone relationship.

 

I am 25 and she is 48 at this point and it has never been this bad. Sure, we've had our fights like all relationships but she makes ZERO effort anymore. Its not like she doesn't care about me and won't even talk to me but she has no interest in us anymore. I haven't seen her even since last Sunday because she goes home every night immediately to her kids (who her mom watches while she and I are at work) and would never even consider coming over to my appartment or doing something with me even for an hour before she goes home. I recently did move into my own appartment and I thought maybe once I did we could have something like a nice "date night" maybe once a week or so but she isn't even remotely willing to commit to something like that.

 

Regardless of what the other thing she has to do eventually is, it is always more important than me now. I really don't know what to do and I think if I stay with her she will just continue to do it and realize that I will never do anything about it anyway because I'm too afraid of losing her. I feel like however, that if I put my foot down and end it that maybe she would come around in a few weeks if I really end our relationship.

 

I wish we could throw the age difference out the window because I feel like some of you may judge that part of this situation and if it factors into your response that is fine but to me she has become a woman that is completely disinterested in this relationship that once was so loving/caring/fun. Meanwhile I sit here lonely in my appartment on enotalone.com wondering what direction I am going in, our relationship sucks, my job sucks and is going nowhere and I feel horrible about my entire life practically. I feel like * * * * .

[Miss Firecracker]

You may not want to hear this, but I would never go out in public with a young guy.

 

I have a feeling the older she gets, the less comfortable she will be with this. Maybe you should look for a new job too.

[chitown9]

she has become a woman that is completely disinterested in this relationship that once was so loving/caring/fun. Meanwhile I sit here lonely in my appartment on enotalone.com wondering what direction I am going in, our relationship sucks, my job sucks and is going nowhere and I feel horrible about my entire life practically. I feel like * * * * .

 

Why don't you have a heart-to-heart conversation with her? It seems to be your only hope...

[sjb6050]

You may not want to hear this, but I would never go out in public with a young guy.

 

I have a feeling the older she gets, the less comfortable she will be with this. Maybe you should look for a new job too.

 

See this is what I am trying to say...the age thing is NOT an issue anymore, I understand that is how you feel but that is not what's actually going on here. Its becoming stale and we do nothing together, she even was blaming her job last night for the reason she doesn't get to see me and that she wants to but I think it actually is her that just doesn't feel like making the time and she is blaming it on her job.

[Miss Firecracker]

See this is what I am trying to say...the age thing is NOT an issue anymore, I understand that is how you feel but that is not what's actually going on here. Its becoming stale and we do nothing together, she even was blaming her job last night for the reason she doesn't get to see me and that she wants to but I think it actually is her that just doesn't feel like making the time and she is blaming it on her job.

 

She probably isn't going to say she made a huge mistake to carry on with a young guy and that it's getting embarrassing. I can imagine myself doing that at a certain age, but it's amazing how you change your feelings with each year that passes.

[Lonewing]

I think the wisest thing you could have done from the very beginning was to resolve that this was a temporary relationship from the very onset, and to enjoy the ride while it was good.

 

Now, you're just going to have to get off the train - it's time, and you both know it! So make it easy for her, be a man, and man up...by parting ways. You may have to get a different job, but all in all, the sooner you do it, the sooner both of you will be better off.