girlfriends daughter comes first

[mid50]

2 year relationship, 50 year old girlfriend has 13 year old daughter, I am a divorced grandfather. I raised my children to work for what they want but I find my girlfriend cannot say NO to her daughter. Not only in buying clothes or things, what troubles me is TIME that we should have together. On several occasions I would plan a dinner date but at the last moment plans where changed because the daughter wanted to go to a movie and or bowling. Yes I went a couple of times but the point is I feel that the daughter is controlling the mom.

 

Over the last couple of months my dinner date at home with the two of them was cancelled because I did not feel like going to a movie. I was told to make myself at home and they would return...I did not wait. My girlfriend told me that her daughter is going thru a change and I need to be patient. Another issue is if mom is driving the car the daughter now sits in front and me in the back. If I am driving mom's car , mom sits in back....the answer we both get is the daughter says she hates to sit in the back.

 

If I am watching tv the daughter can take control and I most give up the remote control. My news watching can be bumped for a fashion show and mom says nothing. A friend of mind invited us to a birthday party with other children there, but when her daugher wanted to go home her mom says we have to go now because her daughter is tired, I did not disagree but simple took them home and sat outside while the daugher made her mom sit and watch a movie on tv. Too many little things to mention but the last situation is we planned a weekend together but it has been changed because the daughter wants to go on a two day trip, yes I was invited but as I told my girlfriend I cannot afford ( money and time ) to go.

 

The daughters father is not in the picture, after 9 years I am the only male fiqure in her mom's life. I find as I try to fit my children and grandchildren into our lives with visits and time together that in my relationship with my gf and her daugher it appears to me that she cannot say NO to her daugher. I have a fair relationship with her daughter but only if I do not say anything as far as disapline goes. I realize that this all may sound selfish of me but I feel the older the daughter gets the problem I am having may truly interfere with our relationship with both of them.

 

I ask for suggestions because last weekend my girlfriend has asked me to move in with her and I simple told her that I am not ready to take that step. I do care about her mom but I feel that this giving the daughter anything she wants is going to create more problems down the road in our relationship. Is the daugher afraid of losing mom...Maybe...

 

maybe some of you at enotalone have found yourself in this position...what do you suggest. I have entertained the thoughts of moving in with my gf but at least as long as I am living in my home .......it's my remote control.

 

Is the daughter afraid of losing mom, is the daughter spoiled, is mom having issues or am I being selfish.

 

thanks for your time...dlh

[mgirl]

Oh my gosh, i understand how you feel. Your girlfriend should have more boundaries with her daughter. It sounds like her daughter is running the show with her mother.

 

When my mother met my stepfather, she practically dumped my sister and i, which hurt. But, i do believe there is a middle ground. A mother should have boundaries with her daughter - her daughter is not the centre of the universe.

 

Are you sure the mother (your gf) is not using the daughter as a way to avoid intimacy?

 

I understand your reluctance to move in with them.

 

Perhaps suggest a change in attitude towards the daughter? Afterall, it is the mother you are having a relationship with.

[daylite]

i totally agree with what u said. here

[Imprecision]

I disagree.

 

It's perfectly natural that the mother should see her daughter as her number-one priority.

 

Furthermore, the OP should not interfere. After all, it's not his daughter.

[Lonewing]

When the mother takes a new man, that child becomes their shared responsibility, and any couple that doesn't recognize this is headed for disater. You cannot be a house divided - and if there are any parts of the household that youa re not compleltey willing to share 100%, including the parenting of your previous children, perhaps you should not be engaging in a realtionship in the first place.

 

I know it's harsh, but it's true.

 

If you have previous children, you best find a man who you can respect raising your children. If you can;t share that responsibility, i find it selfish and unrealistic.

[itsallgrand]

It makes sense they'd have a super glue bond after 9 years of the two of them as a family. I think you'll have to be patient if you want to stick around longer term. I mean, very patient.

 

I think it's very smart to have declined the invite to move in now. Keep your home. Take the time.

 

Was speaking about this in another post, how my step father (came in the picture when I was 14) kept his own home during the time it took me to grow up. Meaning, 18 and leaving the house. I really appreciated that, and though there were conflicts a plenty to go around, we developed a strong bond in that time. Respected, cared, and grew to love that man.

 

Reading your post actually reminded me a lot of what it must have took my stepdad to stick it out with us. Lots of patience and lots of biting his tongue for a long time. And, he was honest. Honest all around and let me know exactly what was going on (which is something my mom was less on the ball as far as doing!).

 

I honestly think, it's true - you aren't the daughter's father and you can't be. And she'll come to respect that position and accept it, and if you work hard and are lucky tho - you might get what I got and get a mutual fondness that can run deep.

 

It's a package deal. It's up to you if you think mom is up for it, that it could work out, that it's worth it.

 

good luck!

[mid50]

Gosh I feel better all ready having these quick replies. " It's all Grand " thankyou for the side that makes very good sense from the daughter point of view. I kinda have this thought in my head, my house my rules, her house her rules..AND it's all in the accepting and not the expecting. As a father with children and grandchildren I know the situations we Divorce parents can find ourselves in. Since my children are not depended upon me in a living arrangement my gf still has her daughter at home for several more years.

 

Is she worth it too me to stick it out, that's why I asked for your thoughts concerning my situation, if I didn't care about the two of them, you would not be reading this post.

 

off to work, dlh

[BellaDonna]

I am a mom- and I agree with making your child your number 1 priority. But what I disagree with is spoiling a child.

 

Another issue is if mom is driving the car the daughter now sits in front and me in the back. If I am driving mom's car , mom sits in back....the answer we both get is the daughter says she hates to sit in the back.

 

 

To, me- that is totally inappropriate and ridiculous. Sometimes, in life, you have to do things that you do not like. She should learn to sit in the back seat out of courtesy for other.s This mom is making the daughter the center of the universe. That is problematic.If the world is constantly revolving around this child, she will never learn any values.

 

If I were you I would not move in anytime soon. Also, be honest about why. Don't be attacking, but let your GF know that you are not comfortable with some of the things that go on. Give examples of the little daily realities that you don't want to (and don't have to) live with. For example:

 

If I am watching tv the daughter can take control and I most give up the remote control. My news watching can be bumped for a fashion show and mom says nothing.

 

^ Again, totally inappropriate.

 

If you move in, your life will be like that 24/7.

 

Is the daughter fond of you?

[Sunflour]

The problem here is that the mother refuses to act like the authority figure she is (or ought to be) and set reasonable limits on her daughter's behavior. She's acting like her daughter's friend, not her mother. The result is inevitably a spoiled kid with no sense of reasonable boundaries. That isn't doing the daughter any favors in the long run.

 

DLH55, you can't control the boundaries (or lack of them) that your girlfriend establishes for her daughter. However, you can establish your own boundaries.

 

"GF, I understand that your daughter comes first with you and always will. But I don't think it's unreasonable of me to expect that if you agree to dinner plans or a weekend getaway with me, you won't change our plans and do something with your daughter instead. That's disrespectful of me, and it's sending your daughter the message that you aren't allowed to have any life of your own."

 

"GF's Daughter, I'm watching the news right now. You can have the remote when my program is over."

 

"GF's Daughter, sometimes rank has its privileges. The adults get the front seat. You get the back."

 

"GF, I love you and I see us having a future together. But there's no way I'm moving in until you start putting some reasonable limits on your daughter's behavior. She's a good kid, but you're letting her walk all over you--and our relationship. That isn't doing you or your daughter any favors."

 

Do understand, though, that it's the mother who's at fault here, not the daughter. The daughter is only acting consistent with the way she's been raised.

[kalikat]

Been there, and completely understand what you are feeling! So frustrating, isn't it?

 

This is what I learned: GF daughter is competing with you for her moms attention. She has not had to share her mom with anyone significant before. So she will continue to play this "I am the Queen" role until one of these things happens:

1) you go away (she wins)

2) Her mom becomes so over burdened with guilt (for not being available 24/7 for her daughter) that GF asks you to go away.

3) All three of you sit down and discuss the situation.

 

You need to let the girl know that she is not being replaced, that she is not loved any less, and help her see that instead of losing half her moms love & affection, she will actually have twice as much as before you showed up.

 

Kids often don't realize that adults have all kinds of love to share - they will think that if mom loves someone else, they couldn't possibly be loved any more.

So help her dispel these thoughts. And, yes, GF needs to be let in on this as well. I will bet you anything that at least part of the reason she has been allowing daughter to play dictator is because she feels guilty about spending lees time with kid than before. I'm sure GF's kid has helped manipulate theose feelings as well.

This could work, but it will take some work (with all 3 of you) and lots of patience while you redraw the lines.

Good luck!

[mid50]

Having raised three children I am know stranger to the ups and downs of parenting. I am very sensitive to my gf's handling of her daugher, they both seem to get along very well for the last 9 years with out me. My plans is truly not to move in because I need to be sure for me that I can live in a different parenting environment, for if I am not happy then they will know it.

 

So after reading the replies to my vent, I learned that I am not alone in this situation...maybe i will start with the back seat line and see where this gets me. I feel I have a good relationship with the daughter but then again I find it difficult to take a BACKSEAT to a young child. If by some chance this fails I hope the drive is not to long,

 

thanks for your help...Dlh

[Dating Coach]

I absolutely cannot stand parents who let their children have their way. I witnessed this growing up with my aunt and her daughters, and I saw the kind of impact it has on the children's developement. It's BAD. It creates little monsters, only the parent's have trouble seeing that as "Oh, they're angels but this is just the way they are". It is SUPER POOR PARENTING and it creates little selfish brats.

 

I view parenting as THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING that I will EVER do. I am molding a human being and will eventually release them into society. If I don't do a good job I am basically releasing a drain on society, a person who will bring negativity and drama into the world. I do not want that at all. Besides, people like that are NEVER happy.

 

I saw what parents like these do to their children. They ruin them as people. Sometimes they turn out okay but more often than not they do not turn out right. Children become master manipulators of parents, and the only way to control that is to learn to be in control at all times. Your rules cannot bend or break, no matter how much they whine or scream or throw fits.

 

Ever watch "The Worlds Strictest Parents"? Not that I agree with everything on that show, but much of it I do. Look at those people's children and how well behaved they are. That's what happens when you give a child boundries, structure, discipline, etc. You create an environment for them to grow up with maximum potential. There are some things I disagree with though, as sometimes those parents do not allow the kids to grow thinking for themselves, but that's another extreme end of the situation. There needs to be a middle ground where you allow the child the freedom to express themselves, but within boundaries that you control.

 

Anyway, your story bothers me because it hits close to home. I saw the lifestyle my cousins grew up with because their mother behaved much like your girlfriends. Time is running out for her to gain control because this girl already has many many years of mastering the manipulation and now the mom is a pawn. Turning the mom from a pawn to a Queen is not going to be easy but you should either step in and encourage that to happen or personally, I would walk. I would not want to get into a situation with a child like that and a parent who is willing to let it happen. Just my 2 cents.

[waveseer]

It's a package deal, either you accept the whole package the way it is or you send it back. No parent is perfect, no child is perfect, and no outsider is perfect either.