Step daughters raging out of control!

[kalikat]

I am hoping that this is the best place for this. I am in dire need of help /advice...

My boyfriend and I have been together now for 4 years, although we have been friends for almost 20 years. We had a very strong bond, very committed to each other. Until...

His 2 daughters decided they wanted to live with him instead of their mom (a whole 'nuther problem).

I also have a daughter, the same age as his

oldest (18). His younger daughter just turned 16 a couple of months ago.

Here's the situation:

Both his girls are out of control! They show no respect to him, me , the house, etc. I have come home more than once to find either the older one in her room naked with her boyfriend, or locked up in the bathroom smoking pot,etc. She was also thrown in jail once for shoplifting (even though she had $100 in her pocket!). I've also come home to find the younger one having a party (all boys), with the alcohol flowing! The younger one had also, on more than one occasion, taken her grandma's car ,without permission, for a joyride - before she got her license.

The worst episode happened a couple of weeks ago - the younger one came home with 2 of her friends and ran up to her room. We could smell the alcohol as they walked in the door. My boyfriend immediately went out to the car and found tons of empty beercans inside. This may not seem like such a big deal to some, but the 2 friends were only 15 and 14 years old!

He came in raging mad, and she simply tells him to stop being such an A*hole and to F* off!

the friends are both throwing up everywhere. And for some reason neither girls parents were "accessible" by phone.

we finally got that situation somewhat settled and went to bed. At 2AM, we here a thundering "CRASH" dowstairs! We both got up and went running to see what had happened. Turned out to be the older daughter. She came home from a party, and I would swear she was on PCP or something, but she decided to sweep everything off the top of the china cabinet (which was the crash we heard). She then proceeded to beat up her dad! He was trying to calm her down, and she was hitting him and scratching him - all the way out to the backyard. then they fell into the pool.

He later told me that even in the pool, she threw a roundhouse punch to the back of his head (he lost consciousness for a couple seconds).

Okay - insanity, right?

The biggest problem? He refuses to set boundaries with either of them. There are rarely any consequeces for their actions. And if there is a consequence, it lasts for about an hour.

He says that it is his style of parenting - that he tries to give the girls tool to make good choices. and while I understand and respect the overall philosophy, it just is not working with these two.

whenever they get caught, instead of learning from their mistakes, they just try to figure out how to not get caught next time. and there is always a next time!

As much as I love him, I don't see how I can live with this craziness anymore! Any thoughts? Please...

[Capricorn3]

You're much much stronger than I could ever be in a situation like this. I know for a fact that I could NEVER live like this, in this type of environment, and if it were me, I'd pack my bags and run so fast you wouldn't see me for dust, lol. I just couldn't handle this kind of drama in my life, at all.

 

The ball is in your court. You have to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. You have to decide if this makes you HAPPY. You have to decide if this is what you want your future to be like, etc etc.

 

I know what I would do and I wouldn't even think twice about it.

 

I wish you well.

[sarahN]

I'm only 27, and I was also raised by my dad. That behavior would have NEVER been accepted by him, and I was daddy's little girl for sure. It's not your place to put a foot down, it's his. I've never had a boyfriend with kids, but if he can't control them, I'm certain it's going to negatively affect you and your relationship. I would probably write him an email or letter explaining your exact feelings and concerns. Express that you understand his boundaries, them being his daughters, but he also has to understand your boundaries as his girlfriend. Also, you do know drunk kids at your house could lead to both of your arrests? Put it on paper for him. He is probably overwhelmed so I'm sure this is a huge balancing act, with that said, if you are living with him, you have rights too. Best of luck.

[Lonewing]

It's too late for those girls, I hate to say....dad was too nice all his life.

[trezz]

first things first your daughter has one mother you are responsible for your daughter whats happening to her? sounds like she's in danger in that house.get her out of there.

[brando]

His style of parenting appears to lack discipline. Kids need rules and structure. Without it they will try and take advantage of everything as you are experiencing.

 

You are in a difficult situation, you need to decide if you want your child exposed to this chaos you are now living in, and you also need to decide if you want to live like this as well.

 

Your bf sounds as if he is more concerend about his daughters liking him then he is about teaching them respect.

 

Why did they want to leave their mothers residence to live with you two?

Perhpas she had rules? Perhaps their behavoir extends from the mother raising them?

 

I honestly can't see your relationship with this man developing any further with this turmoil you are both accepting to live in. Unfortunately the only choice you seem to have left to make is staying or leaving. I have been married to a woman with children from a previous relationship, and I have learned that what I wanted for those children never ranked higher than what she wanted for them. I had similar experiences, not quite as troubled as yours with my ex's oldest daughter, and my ex decided to handle it in a way that never seemed to curb her oldest daughters behavoir, even when I disucssed things with my ex it was irrelevant because her children were not mine. needless to say we are no longer together, and her oldest daughters behavoir was definitely a breaking point in the progress of my ex and I having a healthy relationship.

 

If you decide to stand back and do nothing then things will eventually get much worse. Your only choice I see is leaving. He doesn't appear to be willing to take charge, or even ship them back to their mothers.

 

Either way his daughters will be affected most if nothing is done to teach them respect.

 

be well,

brando

[itsallgrand]

Holy shyte. That's just so out there it truly has me gaping. lol. I know it's not anything funny to you, but it's so absolutely ridiculously out of control that even you being in the midst of it probably won't see how wild it is until you are out of it or it changes.

 

I know what I'd do.

 

I had a step father in my teens. My mom and discipline and stability? Didn't exist. Unless you consider periodic bursts of angry yelling and threats discipline. She was never around much anyways.

My step father even had his own home and only lived with us through the two homes. I was quite the hellion for a time. My mom did nothing. I became even wilder. Step dad left my mom for a time. And I gained a lot of respect for him for that.

 

How do you see your partner now? Have any of your feelings changed? If you have managed to have the same level of respect for him watching him in action as a father - one who lets his grown ass kid knock him unconscious and still let them be in his house, with others, and that whole mess - well you are either a bigger person than I or something.

[wish4me]

If his daughter are behaving this way YOUR daughter could think it is acceptable too.

 

If you think it's tough now, it's not going to improve until you both do something about it.

[mgirl]

Omg, what a pack of brats! My mum was strict. My sister and i (particularly me) played up a bit, but we were basically good kids. We respected their rules and i rarely ever sweared at my mum, little lone hit her.

 

The point i am trying to make is that discipline is paramount. I'm not sure what your boyfriend is going to do. I wonder if he can give you permission to discipline them? I suspect they are trying to get away with everything because, subconsciously, they know he will not stand by you and that you are not a solid unit. In other words, they know they can get around him.

 

I don't know what i would do if i were you, but if i were full-time employed and had a daughter, i would probably get the hell out of there!

[kalikat]

You all have no Idea! there is so much more to this twisted tale - I don't know if I should place it here in the replies. I think I need to do a "part two"on this one. If nothing else, I could probably come away with enough material for a miniseries!

 

All of your comments have been helpful and enlightening! Many of you asked of my daughter.

She is wonderful! just graduated high school with a 3.95 gpa. starting at the University in 1 week - full scholarship. Not into drugs, drinking or any of that (thank goodness!) Very talented jazz musician - works quite a bit all over town. And she is only eighteen! Very proud of her.More to write - I will continue in new thread - the saga continues!

[trezz]

i am glad your daughter is ok.

if she visits your house with drunk/drugged people present she is in danger and you will have been the reason for her being there.

if a girl could seriously beat a grown man within minutes of entering the house what chance does your daughter have?

you are a mother first girlfriend second.

what are your instints as a mother telling you.

i am concerned for your daughter not your relationship.