"Listing" qualities

[ay0_x]

Lately I've been thinking about why my relationships had failed and basically the fact is, I don't know what I'm looking for. I mean, yes, I'm looking for a relationship but I don't know what traits I'm seeking out.

 

Basically the only thing I've been seeking out is "chemistry" & I'm sure a lot of you know that chemistry isn't a great foundation if two people are fundamentally different and want different things.

 

My friends all have lists of qualities they want in a man. One of my friends has 63 prerequisites, characteristics and traits that her boyfriends must have.

 

I don't know how stringent her "selection" process really is but she at least has an outline of what she wants.

 

I stopped "listing" after someone said to me "People are not a shopping list, you will find someone who meets all your criteria and you still won't like them. Things just flow", but my friends have been telling me "Yuck, you really need to have more standards".

 

So now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two. What do you guys think? Is it time to write a list or should I just keep doing what I'm doing even though it's not really working?

[metrogirl]

I think your friend that has 63 pre-requisuits is likely to be single for a very long time.

 

It's okay to have a common idea of what the perfect boyfriend should be like but keep in mind that sometimes someone will come into your life and completely take you by surprise and they may not even fit the list so to speak.

[needadvice911]

I don't think you should label it as a list. Maybe saying it differently will help you adopt one (list) I would think, that before you get into a relationhip you would want to know if the guy your are going to date is currently selling roses on the street everyday to make a living, if he has 18 kids around the country and behind on child support, if he is wanted by the FBI, if he plans on worshipping Star Wars for the rest of his life as a 24 hour a day hobby, and if he believes in polygamy... you get where im going.. So yes I think having preferences is definitely a must

[quirky]

I don't really have a list as such but I know the few most important traits I'm looking for. I'm happy to be surprised by traits I'd never even thought of..you know? example: I really need someone to be generous, that's my number 1. Because from my experience a generous person is generous with their time, feelings, not just money - overall a person that likes to share. And I am like that. If I'm not careful about finding someone generous I can end up with a selfish man that hasn't got as much to give and that brings big issues. Self awareness is very important but making a list not so.

 

A lot depends on your age and what you're looking for.

[needadvice911]

maybe you dont know what you really want because you have never been in a serious relationship.

[ay0_x]

maybe you dont know what you really want because you have never been in a serious relationship.

 

What would you define as a serious relationship?

[ay0_x]

The fact is, I always make exemptions. I'm a smart girl and I would love to be with a smart guy... but none of my ex's were smart, in fact, they'd be considered stupid or dopey by a lot of people. Two of them didn't finish high school, one is still in high school and failing. None of them had plans to go to college. None of them had decent jobs.

 

I know some girl friends who are like "If my boyfriend doesn't call me everyday that he doesn't see me, it's a problem", but I'm really leniant with things like that. I'm really accepting.

 

I know some girls who demand to look through their partner's phones, or demand that their partners always have money for a date, or demand that their partners have a car or that they work out or that they would physically fight for them... I'm not like that either.

 

I let everything go. I'm really patient and it compromises hte quality of relationships I have because I give just about anyone who makes me laugh or who I think I can "look after" a chance

[loulee]

Is it time to write a list or should I just keep doing what I'm doing even though it's not really working?

This is the classic definition of insanity., its when you keep doing the sames things over and over hoping for a different result. Example: 1+1 will never = 3..

maybe you need to adopt some new strategies and place more priorities on the quality of any future relationship first as opposed to quantity. Chemistry is important, but if you meet someone and you both have chemistry then take all the rest slowly from there. Ensure that the most important qualities are present before you sample the chemistry. lust is short lived, Things like honesty, reliability,trust, thoughtfullness, etc etc the list goes on are far more important, make sure that you are getting these things or that they are developing before you take things to the next level(physical/sexual)..you are more likely then to sustain a healthy ongoing relationship... So perhaps you just have to just simply change the order of your list or what you seek before you plunge in..take your time...good luck!

[ay0_x]

I'm actually reading about the "insanity definition" ahah.

 

The fact is, I can say I want honesty, reliability, trust, thoughtfulness etc and it sounds great, and any guy can claim to have them, but it's sometimes hard to discern whether they are presenting it and whether or not it's really them or they're just faking it until the mask coems off, the honeymoon period is over & their true colours shine through.

[heloladies21]

You can try and change everything you want, but the simple fact is that you haven't been doing anything wrong, and the simple reason you haven't found someone who really captures your heart is due to misluck.

 

Obviously you've obtained a certain amount of experience with men, but being a guy myself I get the inside scoop by being friends with other guys. I get their true views uncensored, I can see their actions without any emotional involvment on my own, and I've studied them for quite sometime in order to better understand my own actions and the way they come accross to women. Now the reason why I give you this background is that I've narrowed down the consistent trends in successful relationships, and believe it or not it has everything to do with how the guy acts and nothing to do with any conscious choice a female makes! To sum up, the key ingredients a guy needs to keep his girl happy are 1) showing that he cares about her, 2) always willing to stick up for himself to her, and 3) not irrational (crazy, and believe it or not a guy can get away with not completely fulfilling this part).

 

Finding a guy who knows how to do this is a difficult task, there are a lot of confused/selfish/weak guys out there. It's especially difficult because women for the most part wait for the guy to make the first and most subsequent moves. That's why for women, it all comes down to randomly bumping into one of the few guys who actually get it, and then you're home free.

[needadvice911]

honesty, reliability, trust, thoughtfulness

 

This is mainly what everybody wants when they look for a relationship, truth is there aren't many people that posses these qualities. Trust and Honesty is a big factor in divorce these days. The problem is how to get trust and honesty and these traits that you are looking for. I think it all starts out in the beginning of the relationship. That is the most important part, if in the beginning of a relationship you don't care if your partner parties every night and then a change of circumstances happen, like you move in together, then the partying every night becomes a problem.

 

I dont think you need the answer to whether you need a list or not, I think maybe you should not date for a while and get to know yourself. This way you will know what you really want. You said your friends have a list, but you on the other hand don't really care too much, so maybe you don't know what you want because you still need time to find what you like in the opposite sex or in life in general...

[90_hour_sleep]

 

I stopped "listing" after someone said to me "People are not a shopping list, you will find someone who meets all your criteria and you still won't like them. Things just flow", but my friends have been telling me "Yuck, you really need to have more standards".

 

 

 

 

i have a little book of things that are either insightful, moving, inspirational, or otherwise just enjoyable. that statement is going in it. there is so much truth there. by limiting what you choose to see in another person, you're effectively closing yourself off from a large majority of wonderful people. you're creating separation...which doesn't seem like it would actually help you to find someone to share your time with. what's so important about 'likes' and 'dislikes' anyway? are they really all that important? have you ever stopped and asked yourself why you find one particular quality to be so important? is there an event in your life that has created a sort of mental filter in which people are now forced to pass before they can be considered worthy of your attention?

 

perhaps there is a person out there with infinite levels of compassion and empathy, someone who bonds with you on the deepest of levels. someone who allows you to be who you are...embraces it in fact...allows you to just be...however, on the outside, that person is rather unappealing. they may not have an arsenal of ''acceptable'' qualities...but on the most profound level...the bond is like nothing you've ever imagined. what would you choose?

[needadvice911]

jeeshh have you found that person?

[tastytoothpaste]

How long are you usually single in between relationships/dating?

[ay0_x]

You can try and change everything you want, but the simple fact is that you haven't been doing anything wrong, and the simple reason you haven't found someone who really captures your heart is due to misluck.

 

Thanks.. I just I'm a lot more open or understanding of people's circumstances. Like if a guy hasn't been to college, I know that there's reasons for that. Or if he's jobless, or if he still lives with his folks etc. I know someone can be poor, or not very booksmart, and still be a virtuous person, and that just because someones rich or educated or suave it doesn't mean they have the capacity to love.

 

honesty, reliability, trust, thoughtfulness

 

This is mainly what everybody wants when they look for a relationship, truth is there aren't many people that posses these qualities. Trust and Honesty is a big factor in divorce these days. The problem is how to get trust and honesty and these traits that you are looking for. I think it all starts out in the beginning of the relationship. That is the most important part, if in the beginning of a relationship you don't care if your partner parties every night and then a change of circumstances happen, like you move in together, then the partying every night becomes a problem.

 

I dont think you need the answer to whether you need a list or not, I think maybe you should not date for a while and get to know yourself. This way you will know what you really want. You said your friends have a list, but you on the other hand don't really care too much, so maybe you don't know what you want because you still need time to find what you like in the opposite sex or in life in general...

 

That's true too.. I guess I'm pretty sheltered (overbearingly strict parents) so there's a lot of things I haven't experienced that those my age have.. but on the other hand I've had to grow up really quickly because of certain traumatic events, too.

 

How long are you usually single in between relationships/dating?

 

Not long at all. There's always "opportunity" and I try not to dwell.

[Jpo]

Guys don't really sit around and make lists like a few of the women I know, but even my guy friends have certain criteria they look for or will not put up with. I noticed, like you, I have none. The only one I have is that I am attracted to her and she is attracted to me, I usually try to work through everything else.

 

I remember I saw someone post in a thread something like, and I paraphrase: I have fairly wide spectrum of who I am physically attracted to, but narrow for the personality I am attracted to - and many times the personality boosts the physical aspect making it wider.

 

Lots of people replied and said they agreed with the comment. When I read it I was thinking damn, I think I have a fairly narrow spectrum of women I am physically attracted to and rarely even take personality into account. In fact, if we aren't clicking or it is awkward, I almost always blame it on my own inefficiencies and never think it just doesn't work or maybe they are just douche bags, etc. I always wonder what I did wrong.

 

It isn't that I am shallow and just want a "hot piece of ass". I want a relationship, but I think, or know I am really insecure. When people don't like me or we don't get along, it's my fault. I have trouble recognizing incompatability, I feel inefficient and the idea of someone who I find attractive liking me at all seems too good to be true. And so, depressingly, is the only criteria that matters to me.

 

To go back to the comment that I paraphrased, I think when I read that is when it hit me. What I am doing is not normal. It isn't good. I think I actually talked to you a little bit about it Ay0 before, but honestly I don't know how to make the change. I tried to set standards, but when the rubber met the road, the moment of truth shows me wanting. :sad:

[tastytoothpaste]

 

Not long at all. There's always "opportunity" and I try not to dwell.

 

Bingo! From the ages 14 to 19, the longest I had ever gone without a boyfriend was about 2 or 3 months. I was extremely unhappy after each relationship ended, and it started to take a very serious toll on me. I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted. Then, after a lot of talking to my mom and sisters, I decided I needed to just be single. It was so scary because I had never really done it. I've been single for almost a year now, and it has been such an eye opening experience. I finally know what kind of man I want!! I know exactly what I'm looking for, and I know exactly what I want for myself in my own life (guys excluded). I think that some time being single would do you some good. You might learn a lot that you had no idea you were even capable of experiencing.

[sparkles4]

Maybe you should try a compromise between listing qualities and chemistry. Any relationship that doesn't have chemistry isn't going to be very fun, but just because you have chemistry with someone doesn't mean you should date them. Try to look back on past dating experiences and determine what traits worked for you and which ones caused problems in the relationship, and go from there. Find someone you have chemistry with without compromising the main qualities you're looking for in a guy.

[Capricorn3]

I've never been into making lists when it comes to what I want in a human being, but if that's the road you want to take, then I think the easiest thing to put on your list would be all the things you DON'T want - such as abuse, alcoholic, drug abuser, etc. If they're clear of all the BAD qualities, then chances are good that they're pretty decent individuals.

[90_hour_sleep]

jeeshh have you found that person?

 

no...not personally...but i've witnessed it on several occasions with close friends.

[ghost69]

i've dated a lot, moving on happens. it's why we date. we are looking for things in people we like and moving on for the things that don't meet our preferences enough. some things we can look passed and some are complete deal breakers. i won't settle if it means looking my whole life for that one special someone.